‘My son's teacher thinks he might have ADHD but my husband does not want to have him assessed'
Question
My nine-year-old son has been struggling in school for a few years. The teachers say he can be disruptive, talking out of turn and interrupting everyone. He also is tuned out with the school work and does not apply himself at all in class, though on formal tests he is quite bright.
His teacher, who is very nice and patient with him, says she thinks he might have
ADHD
(attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder) and needs to be assessed. This all makes sense to me, but my husband is against it. He doesn't want to label him and thinks he is a normal active boy who is getting a hard time in school because they don't know how to 'teach him right'. My husband had a terrible experience in school and left early, though he has done well as an adult setting up his own business. As he was talking, it struck me that he might have ADHD too, and when I said that to him he laughed.
I am not sure what to do, as it is now a source of argument between us, and I need my husband on board to start my son's assessment. I do most of the liaising with his teacher and the school, so it is me who sees the problems and not him.
Answer
Couples often have different feelings when the issue of a potential ADHD assessment comes up for their children. One parent might be keen to get the label to access supports for their child's education and another might be concerned about the process of the assessment or how the label might affect their child's identity. Certainly, most parents are reminded about their own childhood experiences when their child has challenges in school. Many ADHD children have a parent who is also neurodivergent, and indeed a significant number of adults who seek their own ADHD assessment start this because their own child has being assessed. In helping their children, it can be helpful for parents to reflect on their own experiences and to compassionately explore their similarities and differences.
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I cannot accept that mental health issues and neurodivergence are 'overdiagnosed'
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The important thing to remember is that you don't have to start a formal assessment to support your son. More important is to collaborate with your husband so you are both on board and co-operating as you support your son. You can still reach out for information and support with or without diagnosis from family support charities such as ADHD Ireland. More than half the parents who attend the Parents Plus ADHD children's programme do not yet have a formal diagnosis for their child.
Talking to your husband
When talking to your husband, focus on your common concerns rather than your areas of disagreement. For example, you both want what is best for your son and to make sure he is getting the right supports in school. Listen to your husband's concerns and indeed see them as strengths – he wants to make sure his son is 'taught right' and that he does not have the same school experiences he had. Encourage your husband to talk about his own childhood and school experiences and to explore what he would like different for his son. Your husband could also seek his own personal support or to attend counselling about his own past, if he feels this might help him.
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'My 15-year-old son hates going to school and is not doing any homework'
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Encourage your husband to get more involved
Encourage your husband to get more involved in the process of supporting your son in school. This might mean making sure he attends all school meetings with you and also that you both get involved in learning more together about your son's needs. For example, you could attend webinars or join social media groups for parents wondering if their children have ADHD or who have children struggling in school and so on. Your husband might benefit from listening to the experience of other parents and fathers in similar situations as himself as well as the lived experience of parents raising ADHD children. One of the great benefits of the modern internet is the access it gives us to information and support from real people facing similar challenges to our own.
Seeking formal supports
Reassure your husband that you will take time to discuss things and to make assessment decisions together. As waiting times are long, you might agree to put your son on different waiting lists for assessment but agree you will decide together how to proceed before an assessment starts. Also, your husband might be more open in exploring certain assessments first. For example, you could do seek cognitive psychological assessment to see where your son's strengths and challenges lie. For example, he might be gifted or have a high IQ while also having specific learning challenges such as dyslexia (both of which can co-occur with ADHD). This information could provide useful information for his teacher in providing the best teaching for him. It also may provide a route for the school to provide extra resources.
Either way, do work with his teacher to support his school experience and to design the best educational programme that builds on his strengths.
John Sharry
is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He is delivering a parenting workshop on Helping Your Children and Teenagers Manage Anxiety and Stress on May 13th, 2025.
solutiontalk.ie
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