8 Polite Ways to Decline a Party Invitation

Yahoo

6 days ago

Credit - Photo-Illustration by Chloe Dowling for TIME (Source Images: MirageC/Getty Images, Liliya Krueger—Getty Images)
When you get invited to a wedding or a party, 'yes' might feel like the only socially acceptable response. If your RSVP is something short of that, you might put off responding at all—or stumble into a response that's unintentionally rude.
'We're raised to be polite or not rock the boat and to avoid hurting someone's feelings, and yet in trying to be nice, we end up being vague and unclear and often more hurtful than if we were just candid,' says Priya Parker, a conflict resolution facilitator and author of The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why it Matters. 'There are so many ways to decline with grace, but instead of saying we'd rather not, we flake, or we're ambivalent and say 'maybe,' which is horrible for the host.'
When opting out of a gathering, Parker recommends following this formula: acknowledge the invitation; honor something about it, like the host's creativity or vision; express gratitude for the fact that they thought of you; and then clearly decline, without putting the weight of your reasons on the person inviting you.
Here's what that might look like in action.
If you can't swing an event, say so confidently and directly: "What a lovely invitation! Thanks for thinking of me.' 'All invitations are nice, even if you don't want them,' says Lizzie Post, co-president of the Emily Post Institute (and great-great-granddaughter of renowned etiquette expert Emily Post). That said, 'You have the agency to decline them. They're requests, not demands—they're hopeful wishes.'
Instead of sticking to a simple 'yes' or 'no,' some people turn their RSVP into a soliloquy about why they can't attend. Parker recently heard from a woman who, while planning a 30th wedding anniversary celebration, received a surprising number of emails from invitees who weren't sure if they could make it or not. 'She was getting these responses, like, 'If I come to your party, I'll miss X, Y, and Z,'' Parker recalls. 'Or, 'I'll have to move mountains to get there, but I'm trying.'' These types of notes made the host feel so badly, she second-guessed even having the party. In some cases, she felt compelled to apologize for causing them distress. 'Do not transfer your guilt onto the host,' Parker says.
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On the flipside, the woman received one denial that was so lovely, she told Parker she read it multiple times, including to her husband, and shared it with others. It read, in part: 'I was waiting to RSVP for your celebration because I was hoping to resolve a conflict we had. Unfortunately, the timing just didn't work out on that exact weekend. I want you to know that we're really touched you invited us. It's so important to mark special occasions with people you love and who love you back, and we consider ourselves in that last category.'
Aim to compliment something about your host that you genuinely admire. Maybe they always throw the most epic birthday parties, know exactly which restaurant to book, or reliably plan out-of-office mixers for colleagues in a lonely profession. The point, Parker says, 'is to honor and see what it is they're trying to do.' That will make it clear you appreciate them and cushion the blow of the fact that you can't attend.
If you genuinely feel bad about declining an invite, and hope it doesn't preclude you from being included in the future, don't refrain from expressing your enthusiasm. You might tell your friend: 'I want to say yes so badly.'
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'Let them know this isn't you faking it,' Post adds. 'My cousin does this a lot. He's like, 'I can't say yes today, but ask me again any time you think of it. I really want to do this with you.' It works.'
No matter what, a short and to-the-point response is better than fibbing about why you can't make it to a gathering. 'Saying you're committed to something else when you're not is unnecessary,' Post says. 'Why do it when there's potential to get caught later on?' The host, after all, will be much more likely to forgive you for sitting out her second cousin's baby shower than for lying about why you can't be there.
You don't have to share that you're declining an invite due to financial reasons, but if you have a close relationship with the person, it might make sense to provide context. Post's friend, for example, is traveling to New York City this summer, and Post hopes to meet her there—but can't swing a whole week in a hotel. Post told her how much she'd like to attend, and then added: 'For me it would have to be a budget trip, and I'd need to really look into it to make sure I could commit.' From there, the two brainstormed solutions, like a shorter stay in the city.
By wording your response like this, you're making it clear that you're setting a boundary, which can be useful if someone keeps pushing you after you've said 'no' once. It's best used when you don't want to leave anything open for negotiation. 'It's short, clear, and calm,' says Cheryl Groskopf, a therapist in Los Angeles. 'You're not apologizing. You're also not being rude—just honest.' Consider this approach if you often get talked into doing things you don't want to do, she suggests. 'Directness isn't cruelty,' Groskopf says. 'It's clarity.'
This option makes sense for those who feel they have to justify why they're not attending a gathering, Groskopf says. It's an especially good choice 'if you're the kind of person who's always been the helper, the listener, the one who shows up even when they're drained,' she adds. It focuses on your capacity, rather than the event or person, which is key. You're simply saying, 'I don't have it in me right now.' 'This one also gives the other person something they can understand,' Groskopf says. 'Most people get 'I'm maxed out,' even if they don't know what's behind it.'
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