Reform's absence risks them looking like Putin's poodles
The PM's statement on defence was one for the history books. With peace in Ukraine dangerously close, and Putin about to land at Dover, Labour has decided now is the moment to raise defence spending – not just to 2.5 but 2.6 per cent, and 3 per cent thereafter. Paid for how? By cutting the foreign aid budget. In short, vote Labour and you get Reform – although Reform, curiously, is sitting things out.
'Russia is a menace,' said Starmer, his hair layered with Bostik; Britain must rearm! Kemi Badenoch agreed, noting that she'd given a speech on the same theme earlier at 10.30 GMT – known in KMT as 'the crack of dawn' (she arrived late to the event with, said a bitchy reporter, 'a whiff of toothpaste').
She urged the PM not to raise taxes, thinking of the rich; cut welfare instead, remembering the poor. The consensus seems to be that building bombs is good for the economy, so Starmer promised re-industrialisation and 'British jobs for British workers.' Ed Miliband stared sadly into the distance. He'd prefer the UK to fight its wars with wind, water and solar, like Captain Planet and the Planeteers.
The sacrifice of water and food for Africa split the Labour benches. The young Turks – baby-faced MPs with Rolex watches – hurrahed at the 'realism'. Old Lefties looked sick to their stomach (Richard Burgon listened sadly, then departed for lunch). The SNP's Stephen Flynn denounced the foreign aid cut as straight from 'the populist playbook'. Zubir Ahmed (Lab) condemned nationalists trying to 'fragment our Union' at this critical time – and Flynn, hearing his tune, quick-marched out of the chamber in disgust.
Flynn can give it but he sure can't take it. Minutes before, he had called Reform 'Putin's poodles' and noted their absence from the chamber. Indeed, none of them had joined David Lammy's statement the day before; for Starmer, only Lee Anderson showed up, and said absolutely nowt.
Now, there might be good reasons for this non-attendance – a conference in Aspen, or televised Bingo calling – but it's being interpreted as fear of upsetting Donald Trump or, worse, sympathy for Putin.
Labour made hay of it. Rachel Taylor reminded Starmer that Farage once said he 'admired' the Russian despot, and Starmer primly replied: 'You don't show patriotism by fawning over Vladimir Putin.' No, one does it by paying foreigners to take your islands off you.
In this bizarre new order, the globalists – like Keir – are parading as populists, and the populists – like Nigel – are on a permanent global tour. The casualty in this dash to what Kemi calls 'realism' is socialism, for charity begins at home under Labour, and there's precious little of it even here.
Tory nudist Bernard Jenkin, mercifully clothed, observed that '3 per cent' likely won't 'be enough' to deter the orc armies of Mordor, in which case – I must ask – what schools and hospitals are we willing to sacrifice to pay for more?
The real winner is militarism. And as the young Turks rose to declare 'Ukraine's security is our security', one sensed they were reaching for victory not just over Putin but that ageing peacenik they once lovingly called: 'Ooo, Jere-my Cooor-byn!'
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