Expert Answers To Your Trans Dating Questions
Welcome to Love Transcends, a special project by Cosmopolitan that celebrates the resilience, wisdom, hope, and joy of the trans community as its members navigate romantic love. Through in-depth interviews and personal essays, trans people share what it's like to date, hook up, break up, and fall in and hold onto love in the midst of sweeping anti-trans legislation and attacks on personal safeties and freedoms of expression. Click here to see the entire collection.
If you're new to dating as a trans person, it's only natural to have some questions about what to expect—from how your identity may affect your love life to where and how to find successful, satisfying relationships. And while there's no one standard 'trans dating experience,' odds are, many of your fellow daters are wondering some of the same things you are.
We tapped some of the top queer dating and relationships experts in the country to answer the most frequently asked questions they hear from their trans clients. Keep reading for their insight and advice that can help guide you in creating a rich, safe dating life.
Just keep in mind, this isn't meant to be a definitive instruction manual. As always, your love life is yours, and what will work best for you is entirely dependent on your own unique needs and desires.
'This question is at the heart of so many trans people's dating app experiences. It's not just about strategy; it's about safety, self-trust, and emotional capacity. When it comes to dating as a trans person, there is no one-size-fits-all approach. Some trans folks are comfortable sharing their identity on their profile. Some share later, once there's a sense of trust. All are valid. What matters most is that you get to set the terms of your visibility in a way that feels celebratory of you. You don't owe anyone access to your story before you're ready to share it.' —Moe Ari Brown, love and connection expert at Hinge
How can I make sure I'm safe when meeting someone new?
'A lot of people begin their journey on trans- and queer-friendly apps, which make it easier to filter and can provide anonymity, if needed. I often tell my clients to create a blank profile and just have a look around to see how it feels before they fill it out. Then, when meeting, it's worth getting to know someone in public spaces before being alone. This means you can get a feel for who they are and whether you might enjoy their company in a more private setting in the future.
When meeting someone for the first time, I recommend telling a trusted friend or family member what your plans are and where you're going and checking in with them when you get home. And if you do feel uncomfortable or like your safety may be at risk, try to leave the situation and/or inform someone in the vicinity. You can also report bad behavior on most dating platforms.' —Shae Harmon, queer sex and relationship therapist
'The answer to this can vary depending on many factors including where you live and how you met them. Some people disclose before a first date to filter out incompatible matches early and to help them feel safer from potential transphobia or negative reactions down the line. Others prefer to wait until they've decided there's a connection that's worth pursuing. I always recommend at least disclosing before any intimacy occurs and to have that conversation in a public space for your protection.' —Nathan Serrato, queer love coach and founder of Queer Conscious
Is it possible for trans people to find love?
'Absolutely! Some people aren't open to trans dating, but if someone can't accept us on the most basic level, why would we want to be with them? Smart dating is not about attracting every fish in the sea; it's about attracting better fish. Life is too short to convince someone to love you. The right person will love you for all of you.' —Kara Chang, trans dating and relationship coach
How can I find other trans people to date?
'Many trans people want T4T (trans for trans) relationships because they feel it's important to date others who have an understanding of trans experiences. It can be easier to bond when someone else can empathize with your experience. That said, dating only trans or nonbinary people means the dating pool becomes smaller, and it can be harder to find new connections. Some places you might find other trans people to date include local queer/trans meetups, queer speed dating events, dating apps (especially queer- and trans-friendly ones), social media, and online groups.' —Harmon
'When your identity has been fetishized, misunderstood, or reduced to a curiosity, it makes perfect sense to wonder: Is this genuine interest, or am I just someone they want to try? One of the most significant signs someone may be fetishizing you is if they only see the label, not the person. They focus on your transness, not your wholeness. You are more than your labels. You are more than your history or gender transition. Watch their language. Are they asking questions that center you, your passions, your joy, and your beliefs? Or do they fixate only on your transness? Being curious about trans people isn't the same as being ready to love one. You deserve someone who sees your identity and interior world—someone who is intrigued by your story and devoted to your peace, pleasure, and becoming.' —Brown
'No. Trans-attracted people seek long-term relationships, are secure in their identity, and respect trans people. Trans-chasers are often on the DL, seek discreet encounters, and objectify trans people. Healthy attraction empowers us; chasing dehumanizes us. By knowing the difference, we can create a dating culture rooted in respect and shift the narrative around trans love.' —Chang
'As trans people, we've had to be strong in ways most people will never understand. That means we sometimes have to guard our softness to avoid harm. So how do you stay open without sacrificing your safety? First, notice how your body responds around someone you're dating. If your breath deepens and your shoulders drop, that's a green flag.
'When opening up to a new date or partner, start with micro-vulnerability. You don't have to overshare to be real. Offer something true but small about yourself and see how they respond. A safe person won't rush your story; they'll honor it and respect your pace. Also, give yourself permission to pause and to pivot. Softness doesn't mean staying open to everyone. You absolutely get to walk away when your peace is disturbed.' —Brown
'One of the best ways to stay hopeful is to build queer and trans community around you. Dating with an affirming community behind your back who's boosting your confidence and meeting your needs can be the stable foundation you need to get through the ups and downs. Additionally, research shows that most LGBTQIA+ relationships begin as friendships, so by building community and nurturing those connections, you might just naturally meet someone who becomes more than a friend.' —Serrato
'You deserve relationships where people celebrate your identity, not just tolerate it. It can be exhausting to manage other people's discomfort, especially if you feel like you're constantly preparing for the worst. One approach is to lead with pride—speak about your relationship with joy and respect, not as someone you need to explain or defend. And remember: Your transness isn't a complication. It's just part of who you are.' —Madison Werner, LGBTQIA+ advocate and the first trans face of a CoverGirl beauty campaign.
For an expanded list of resources specific to the trans community, click here.
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