Asking Eric: Living with Alzheimer's leads to social isolation
As I no longer drive, thank God, there are days when I do not see or hear from anyone. I know lots of people, and I get lonely and sometimes cry. I have come to terms with Alzheimer's. It is the lack of social events that brings me down.
I am lonely. What do you suggest?
— Wanting Company
Company: I'm so sorry to hear that you're lonely. It doesn't have to be this way. Illnesses like Alzheimer's can be isolating, but there are ways that your friends and your husband can show up for you. Start by writing down a list of social connections that you're missing and share it with your husband. Ask him to help by thinking through alternatives or modifications that meet you where you are. You and your care team know your capacity. While some things might not be workable anymore, prompting your husband to think creatively might open some new doors for you. As you write, he means well, but it would appear he's not fully grasping some of the most difficult parts of your experience.
This isn't your problem to solve alone, of course. But giving your husband — and, perhaps, close friends — concrete ways they can show up for you may make them better advocates and give you back some of the connection you're seeking.
Additionally, you may want to make use of an Alzheimer's support group — online or in person. You can find great resources at alz.org. Not only do these groups connect you with people who understand what you're going through, but they'll also provide meaningful social connections.
Dear Eric: We've had some improvements done on our home lately, and for each job I would get quotes from two different contractors for comparison. There would be the typical friendly back-and-forth between us and the contractors as we work out the details of their proposals.
My husband and I then go over the quotes and make our selection of contractors. I always follow up with the contractor we do not go with, thanking them for their time and their quote and offering a very short explanation (always politely worded) about why we went with the other contractor (price; lead time; etc.) as I think they would want some feedback as to why they weren't chosen.
These follow-ups are invariably met with radio silence. I understand that the contractor we did not go with has spent time with us which did not ultimately lead to a sale, which is undoubtedly disappointing for them. But as consumers, my husband and I need to make the best choice of where and how we spend our money, especially on big-ticket home improvements costing thousands of dollars.
Am I wrong to expect any sort of reply from a contractor after declining their quote? If I go into a store and ultimately do not end up buying something, I am 100 percent more likely to return to the store or recommend the store to someone else if I hear 'thanks for coming' or 'have a good day' as I am leaving. I appreciate their good will. If the contractors we don't go with would even reply with a stock email saying that they hope they can work with us on a future job, I would definitely consider them again. But being ignored just doesn't sit right with me. Isn't at least an acknowledgment of our final communication in order? Or am I expecting too much from a contractor who didn't get our business?
— Confused Homeowner
Homeowner: Having worked with my share of contractors, I can attest it can be difficult to get and hold their attention sometimes. And I get it — every moment they spend replying to an email or doing a consultation is a moment they're not billing on a project. It's a volume game. And it's different from other sales jobs, like the insurance agent who checks in every year.
So, grant them a little grace, even if this particular touch point is a little shortsighted. It is in their best interest to end the interaction on a good note. You're paying for craftsmanship and skill, and part of that skill involves good communication. But, if you liked other aspects of their work and wish to hire them in the future, proceed with caution but don't let this deter you too much.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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