Trump is right to tariff these pro-DEI penguins. Do dire wolves next.
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Dire wolves extinct for 13,000 years recreated from ancient DNA
Colossal, a Texas-based biotech company, revealed that it successfully recreated extinct dire wolves.
Of all the tariffs President Donald Trump has rolled out, my favorite – and I do love them all, just like I'm going to love patriotically paying $579 for a new phone charger – are those slapped on the penguins of the unpopulated Heard and McDonald Islands.
Since taking office, Trump has made clear that "wokeness" is dead and America will no longer be taken advantage of on the global stage. Well, few have flaunted destructive diversity, equity and inclusion policies more than penguins.
For starters, they are black and white simultaneously. They sometimes form same-sex couples, like I read about in the children's book 'And Tango Makes Three,' which I'm trying to get banned from my local school district even though I don't have children. According to PBS, which I hope President Trump defunds because it shares overtly sexual information about penguins, 'Some female penguins may have one to three partners in one season and some males may have one or two partners.'
Penguins are dangerously pro-DEI, and they must be tariffed
And, perhaps worst of all, a group of penguins in the water is called a raft, while a group of penguins on land is called a waddle. YOU GET ONE GROUP NAME, PENGUINS, MAKE UP YOUR MINDS!
These vulgar, flightless birds present a clear danger to the minds of America's children, so the 10% tariff Trump hit them with is more than appropriate. All the penguins have to do is stop being woke and the tariffs will (maybe) go away.
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On Sunday, CNN host and noted penguin sympathizer Jake Tapper interviewed Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins and said, 'The Heard and McDonald Islands have zero human inhabitants. They had zero exports. They had zero imports. They do have a lot of penguins. Why are you putting import tariffs on islands that are entirely populated by penguins?'
Rollins smartly responded, 'I mean, come on, whatever. Listen, the people that are leading this are serious, intentional, patriotic.'
Penguins give us nothing. Of course, Trump should slap tariffs on them.
That's right. These serious, intentional and patriotic people know that filthy, amoral foreign penguins deserve to be smacked with harsh tariffs.
It shows the American people the Trump administration knows exactly what it's doing and is in no way run by dozens of children standing on each other's shoulders wearing trench coats so they look like adults.
Besides, what does America get from these stupid penguins? Nothing.
The Heard and McDonald Islands, which, if you believe in 'maps,' are located somewhere between South Africa and Australia, have never once sent us a package of succulent penguin meat.
Liberals will argue that's because no humans live there, and penguins aren't good at harvesting and shipping their own meat. But that's the kind of lazy thinking that made us suckers in the global trade order.
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Trump's tariff plan is going well and everyone loves him and thinks he's doing a fantastic job, with the exception of the leaders and residents of every other country on earth, U.S. consumers who are about to see Amazon prices rise astronomically and anyone who was hoping to retire within the next decade or so.
As Rollins told CNN: Whatever.
Dire wolves must also be subject to stiff Trumpian tariffs
While we're on the subject of smart policies, I'm hopeful the Trump administration will swiftly move to put tough tariffs on dire wolves.
As you might have heard, three of the previously extinct Ice Age predators were recently resurrected by the Dallas-based company Colossal Biosciences, using DNA from ancient bones.
The dire wolf puppies may appear adorable and reminiscent of the loyal creatures from 'Game of Thrones,' but their days of taking advantage of America should be over.
We have a sharp trade deficit with dire wolves, in that we give them the privilege of no longer being extinct, and probably some food, and they give us nothing but a sense of wonderment and perhaps a mild fear that this all is going to go terribly, terribly wrong.
Tariff the dire wolves, President Trump. They, like the penguins, need to learn who's boss.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
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