3 Relationship Types That Are Unconscious Power Plays, By A Psychologist

Forbes

5 hours ago

Why do people misidentify control as love? Here are three ways to answer that question.
Not everything that looks like love to begin with actually turns out to be true. Sometimes, what feels intense or devoted stems from fear — fear of being left, of not being enough or of losing control.
Many people are stuck in relationship patterns that feel all-consuming. They think they're in love, and in some ways, they might even be, but underneath, the dynamic is more about control than connection.
These patterns aren't always obvious or intentional. In fact, many people believe they're being caring or protective. But what they're doing is trying to manage their anxiety, and in the process, the relationship dynamic takes a massive hit.
These dynamics involve unconscious power plays, but often appear harmless at first. That's why it's so hard to recognize them. It's also why, in therapy, one of the hardest truths clients come to terms with is this:
'It felt like love, but it was actually control.'
Here are three common ways control can show up in relationships, even when you can't quite put a finger on it.
1. Enmeshment Masquerading As Intimacy
This kind of dynamic often begins with intense affection. The couple becomes inseparable — texting constantly, planning everything together, finishing each other's sentences as if they were one unit. They say things like, 'We're all we need.' On the surface, it resembles deep intimacy. But underneath, something more complex is unfolding.
A 2022 commentary published in the International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction examined the conceptual development of codependency and enmeshment. It suggests that this kind of closeness can reflect a deeper pattern, one where emotional boundaries are blurred and over-involvement becomes the norm.
In these dynamics, the line between closeness and identity confusion becomes dangerously thin. What may feel like intense connection is often an inability to separate one's own needs and emotions from those of one's partner. This emotional fusion is not a sign of secure love, but a form of over-dependence, often rooted in early family and childhood experiences where individuality was discouraged or disrespected.
The paper also emphasizes how enmeshed family systems restrict the development of emotional independence. In adult romantic relationships, this manifests as personal space being mistaken for rejection, and sameness being conflated with intimacy.
In this light, the core narrative of, 'we don't need anyone but each other' begins to sound less like love and more like an entrenched fear of separation. What appears to be a choice for closeness is often a learned pattern in which connection feels safe only when autonomy is sacrificed.
So while enmeshment may feel like love, it's a tactic to manage fear and avoid the discomfort of healthy separation. The couple may genuinely care for one another, but the dynamic leaves little room for growth, individuality or self-definition.
2. Possession Pretending To Be Protection
You may have heard people say to their partner, 'Don't drive alone at night,' or 'I'll take care of that, don't worry.' At first, these gestures feel loving, even comforting. But over time, things may start to shift.
Especially when this happens constantly, the partner might begin to defer to their judgment, second-guess their instincts and what once felt like protection can chip away at their autonomy.
This is where well-intentioned care can quietly tip into 'paternalism,' where one partner decides what's best for their partner's 'own good,' slowly making choices on their behalf instead of with them. The control doesn't land as criticism or coercion because it resembles genuine concern.
A 2018 conceptual study on the ethics of interpersonal decision-making argues that many interventions in relationships are mislabeled as paternalistic when, in fact, they belong in a different category: maternalism.
Unlike paternalism — which presumes incompetence and justifies overriding someone's autonomy — maternalism operates relationally, that is to say, it is rooted in relational awareness. It offers support in a way that's emotionally attuned and autonomy-preserving.
In other words, real care is not supposed to disempower. Instead, it should hold space for both connection and agency.
When a relationship lacks this balance, helpfulness can become a form of quiet control. Often, one partner, typically the more avoidant or anxious one, manages their own vulnerability by over-managing the other person. They offer solutions instead of presence and decisions instead of dialogue. The result is a power imbalance that's hard to spot.
So if your partner always seems to 'know best,' and you find yourself feeling smaller in the relationship, less capable, less trusted or less like yourself, it's worth asking: 'Is this really care? Or is this control disguised as concern, even if it's unconscious?'
3. Idealization That Feeds Dependency
'You're my everything' is one of the most commonly used phrases in romantic relationships. It sounds romantic, even cinematic. But when one partner becomes the center of the other's emotional universe, that pedestal can quickly turn into a trap for both people involved.
Research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships in 2013 on over-idealization in romantic relationships helps explain why this dynamic — often mistaken for deep devotion — can quietly destabilize connection.
The findings suggest that while a moderate level of idealization can enhance relationship satisfaction, too much leads to discomfort, emotional distancing and a threat to one's sense of self.
When someone is excessively admired, as if they can do no wrong, they often start to feel unseen for they really are, misunderstood or burdened by the impossible image they're expected to uphold.
In practice, this creates a lopsided emotional dynamic: one partner is elevated to a near-mythical status, while the other becomes increasingly dependent on their validation. The power play here isn't obvious as it hides behind reverence. But it works by placing emotional responsibility on the idealized partner, making it harder for them to show vulnerability and be human with all their imperfections.
If any of these three scenarios resonate deeply with your experience, ask yourself:
These are not easy questions. But they're important because many people stay trapped in patterns that feel familiar, even when they're limiting. We often mistake intensity for intimacy, or control for care, simply because that's what we've known.
Unlearning these dynamics begins with naming them, with stepping back and noticing when love feels more like a performance than a partnership. Take the Relationship Control Scale to find out how this may be playing out in your own life.