What it's like dating as a trans woman
At the time, I hadn't officially come out yet, and there was a thrill in not disclosing I was trans on the apps — in dating as a woman without a complicated backstory; in just living the life I believe I was intended to live. I've always had the privilege of 'passing', meaning I look like a cisgender woman, and revealing that I'm trans was something I only got into when a relationship approached physical intimacy. (I fully acknowledge this gave — and continues to give — me a general sense of safety not all trans women have.)
My first two dates with Matthew had been fun, and for our third, we hit an upscale Chinese food restaurant in NYC's chic Chelsea neighbourhood with his model colleagues. It felt glamorous to be counted among all the long limbs and symmetrical faces. Matthew was attentive and seemed proud to be with me, and as the night stretched on, the conversation turned to people's greatest fears. Face-altering acid attacks and home invasions came up. I shared that my biggest one was my own demise. Then Matthew announced to the table that his started with the letter 'T'. Shouted-out guesses included tigers, terrorism, and tsunamis. 'Worse,' he replied. 'Transgenders!'
In my mind, the entire room expeditiously shunned Matthew for his hateful views. In reality, though, what happened was... nothing. As the blood drained from my face and my heart dropped into my stomach, the rest of our table barely reacted. Some of the male models even nodded in agreement. No one said a word in defence of the community they had no idea I was a part of.
I was suddenly terrified that everyone could see right through me. And as a wave of self-doubt washed over me, a growing awareness of my own blind spots felt infuriating. How had I wound up on a third date with a transphobe? I faked an emergency and excused myself, rage-texting every trans friend I had on the way home in search of support and understanding.
Back in my dorm, I blocked Matthew's number and made the decision to put a gender marker, 'trans woman', on my dating profiles. Even if I wasn't out publicly, I would be on these apps. Two years later, in a mutually transgender, or T4T, relationship and in love for the first time, I took it a step further. Inspired by my then-boyfriend's openness, I took to my YouTube channel with a new video titled 'I'M TRANSGENDER' for my 100,000+ subscribers.
Surely, I thought, the internet would work its magic, serving this truth algorithmically to anyone I might cross paths with in the future. My work was done: I had come out and would never have to come out again. Except that's not at all what happened. As I've continued to date, I've learned that the work of coming out — and protecting yourself while doing so — is never really over. And that no matter what I do, the burden remains almost entirely my own.
Thanks in part to this hyper-charged political moment, where hateful voices are so often empowered, I've had to develop an extremely thorough screening process (deep dives on Google, full reads of social media; I will stalk you for any hint of transphobia). But even so — and even with my own gender identity completely searchable on the internet and the apps — I still find myself with dates who haven't put in anywhere near the same effort.
Once when I was out with a Disney Channel 'star' (he was actually more of a recurring extra) I met on Raya, he said something that made it obvious he had no idea I was trans. I came out to him then and there... and spent the rest of the date watching him decide if he was down for a doll.
These moments can definitely be tough or awkward, but they have also taught me to keep an open mind. I'm not offended when a date is clearly (and respectfully) navigating unexplored-for-them terrain. It can be mutually exciting and a good opportunity for growth.
I've also gotten a lot more comfortable discussing my gender. It's no longer something I worry about — it's simply part of who I am. And in a society that wants people like me to be invisible, loudly proclaiming my identity protects me while also forcing everyone else to acknowledge my existence. If a guy seems clueless, I just ask, 'Have you been with a trans woman before? Did you know that I'm one?'
Less satisfying is the realisation that there's no one thing I can do to ensure dates understand that I'm trans before we meet. (Unfortunately, many cishet men are too lazy or privileged to take the extra step of looking up a match beforehand.) And that means I need to stay vigilant. Trained by Matthew-like incidents and plenty of other horror stories, my instincts are now constantly on high alert.
Before a first date even begins, I've got an escape route planned. I arrive early to connect with restaurant staff so they know who I am and that I'm meeting a guy for dinner. When the conversation veers toward transness, I keep eye contact, locking in on their facial expressions. I'm an expert at clocking any fetish-y, fearful, or hateful vibes. If someone's lips curl down, if they cross their arms or legs, if they physically pull away, I can practically hear sirens. And then I'm out. I've done everything from going to the bathroom, calling a car, and ghosting to lying about explosive diarrhoea. Safety is everything.
Is all this ideal? Obviously, no. But I like to think by sharing my story, I'm helping others avoid the hurtful, harmful situations I've been in. Speaking of, Matthew did come around again after my public coming-out. Not with an apology or a change of heart though. He overcame his 'biggest fear' to ask me for advice on growing his social media presence. I blocked him again immediately.
*Name has been changed
For a list of resources specific to the trans community, visit the LGBT Foundation.
Ella Snyder is a model, photographer, and writer living in New York City. When she's not on set, she's in a method acting class or drafting a diaristic entry for her Substack, Esoteric It Girl.
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
The Hill
2 hours ago
- The Hill
Hong Kong pro-democracy activists granted asylum in Australia and Britain
TAIPEI, Taiwan (AP) — A Hong Kong pro-democracy activist and a former lawmaker who are wanted by the city's authorities have been granted asylum in Great Britain and Australia, respectively. Tony Chung, an activist who was imprisoned under Hong Kong's sweeping national security law, and Ted Hui, a former lawmaker who was facing trial for his role in anti-government protests in 2019, both announced over the weekend that they have received asylum in the countries where they now live. They are among dozens of activists on the run from Hong Kong authorities. Civil liberties in the city have been greatly eroded since Beijing in 2020 imposed a national security law essentially criminalizing dissent in the former British colony. Both Beijing and Hong Kong have hailed the security law as bringing stability to the financial hub. Hui, who fled Hong Kong in December 2020, is part of a group of overseas activists who are targeted by police bounties of up to 1 million Hong Kong dollars ($127,800). The former lawmaker is now working as a lawyer in Adelaide. He announced on Facebook on Saturday that he and his family have been granted protection visas. 'I express my sincere gratitude to the Government of Australia — both present and former — for recognising our need for asylum and granting us this protection,' Hui wrote. 'This decision reflects values of freedom, justice, and compassion that my family will never take for granted.' While in Hong Kong, Hui had been an outspoken pro-democracy lawmaker. He was also known for disrupting a legislative session after he threw a rotten plant in the chamber to stop a debate of the national anthem bill — controversial legislation making it illegal to insult the Chinese national anthem. He was subsequently fined 52,000 Hong Kong dollars ($6,600) for the act. Chung, who had advocated for Hong Kong's independence, was sentenced to almost four years in prison for secession and money laundering in 2020. He was released on a supervision order, during which he traveled to Japan, from where he fled to Britain seeking asylum. In a post on social media platform Threads on Sunday, he expressed his excitement at receiving refugee status in Britain along with a five-year resident permit. He said that despite his challenges over the past few years, including persistent mental health problems, he remains committed to his activism. British and Australian authorities didn't immediately comment on the activists' statuses. Hong Kong's government did not comment directly on the cases but issued a statement on Saturday condemning 'the harbouring of criminals in any form by any country.' 'Any country that harbours Hong Kong criminals in any form shows contempt for the rule of law, grossly disrespects Hong Kong's legal systems and barbarically interferes in the affairs of Hong Kong,' the statement read.
New York Post
3 hours ago
- New York Post
Migrant allegedly scalded baby with hot coffee in sickening random attack after visa application was rejected
China is being urged to take action against a Chinese national who allegedly threw hot coffee on a nine-month-old baby despite the man being protected from extradition under Chinese law. Baby Luka was with his mom in Hanlon Park on August 27, 2024 when a man, not known to the family, dumped a Thermos of hot coffee on him before fleeing the scene in a random attack which sparked public outcry. Advertisement The infant sustained burns to 60 percent of his body, including his face and upper body, and was forced to undergo multiple surgeries. 8 China is being urged to take action against a Chinese national who allegedly threw hot coffee on a nine-month-old baby last year. QLD Police The man was captured on CCTV footage fleeing the scene but authorities were unable to track him down. Just days after, the suspect – who was identified as a 33-year-old Chinese national – drove to New South Wales and flew out of Sydney on August 31. It is believed he returned to China via New Zealand. Advertisement Almost a year on from the incident, authorities are pushing for China to take action against the alleged offender, The Australian reports. 8 The man was captured on CCTV footage fleeing the scene. QLD Police 8 The infant, Luka, suffered burns to 60 percent of his body and had to undergo multiple surgeries. Under Chinese law, citizens cannot be extradited for prosecution to foreign countries. Advertisement It is understood that evidence from Queensland Police against the suspect has been provided to Chinese authorities. However, authorities have refused to confirm the move, the publication reports. 'There are ongoing conversations between Australia and China in relation to this matter,'' an unnamed source told the publication, adding 'it's been made clear that they don't extradite their own'. Queensland Police last year put an arrest warrant out for the man for intending to cause grievous bodily harm, which carries a maximum life sentence. Advertisement In June, Acting Commissioner Shane Chelepy told radio station 4BC investigations into the 'horrible incident' were ongoing almost one year on. 'This isn't something we've parked in a corner; this was a very serious offence, and we're working hard on it,' he said. 'What I can say is we're still working with our international partners to progress this matter and to get a resolution here. Every morning, the NY POSTcast offers a deep dive into the headlines with the Post's signature mix of politics, business, pop culture, true crime and everything in between. Subscribe here! 'We've got a range of investigative strategies.' Acting Commissioner Chelepy said the incident 'struck our investigators pretty hard' and paid tribute to their efforts in finding the culprit. Radio host Peter Fegan asked the acting commissioner if Queensland Police had sent detectives to China, which he declined to answer. 'I don't want to compromise investigative strategies,' he said. Advertisement 8 The 33-year-old Chinese national is believed he returned to China via New Zealand. QLD Police Queensland Police Detective Inspector Paul Dalton revealed last year the man fled the country just 12 hours after they identified him. 'I was in the investigation centre when we put a name to the face and it was a very happy room, only for us to do a check in 15 minutes and find out we've lost him,' he said. 'We've got 30 detectives working for me. They're devastated that they missed this person by 12 hours.' Advertisement 8 'We've got 30 detectives working for me. They're devastated that they missed this person by 12 hours,' Queensland Police Detective Inspector Paul Dalton said. QLD Police Young boy still undergoing treatment About to turn two in October, Luka is still undergoing treatment for the serious injuries he sustained during the attack. 'Luka still has to have regular surgeries; he gets laser and skin needling to reduce the appearance of the scars,' his parents, who did not wish to be named, told The Australian. Advertisement They added the young boy has scars on his chin, shoulder, and back, but 'otherwise, he's healed really well and is thriving in life'. 8 According to the baby's parents, the boy has scars on his chin, shoulder, and back, but 'otherwise, he's healed really well and is thriving in life'. Luka's mother previously told the Courier Mail in November that her little boy had become 'a bit wary of people' since the incident. 'In those first few weeks, we had no idea what his future was going to look like, especially because the burns were so significant,' she said. Advertisement 'He's healed really well and baby skin is amazing and the synthetic skin graft that they did worked really well.' His father said the prominent burns seen on Luka's body after the incident had healed 'better than we ever thought'. 'Hopefully by the time he becomes a teenager you won't even be able to see the scars anymore,' he said. Suspect arrived in Australia six years ago Chinese media reported that the man had been on various visas since arriving in Australia in 2019, first using a working holiday visa and then switching to a student visa. He has lived in a number of locations on Australia's east coast and previously worked in a meat processing plant. 8 The suspect was reportedly furious when his most recent visa application was rejected, and allegedly took out his anger on baby Luka. QLD Police But when his most recent visa application was rejected, the suspect was reportedly furious and allegedly sought to take out his anger on baby Luka. 'Finally, he vented his anger and [allegedly] hurt a baby before leaving Australia,' reported China's New Tang Dynasty Television. A person claiming to be a co-worker of the suspect said he had a 'brain problem' on Chinese social media. 8 A person claiming to be a co-worker of the suspect said he had a 'brain problem' on Chinese social media, 'Little Red Book'. QLD Police 'On the mainland social media 'Little Red Book', a Chinese person in Australia who claimed to know him, broke the news that this man has always been weird and difficult to deal with,' added NTD Television. 'He has been working in a meat factory with a study permit for a long time. Later, the meat factory did not require a study permit.' The TV station added that Luka was 'probably [attacked] to take revenge on the white people.' Police say the suspect has no family or criminal record in Australia and had previously worked in Queensland, NSW and Victoria. In a statement to Queensland Police said the investigation is ongoing. 'Investigators from QPS and AFP remain committed to securing justice for the victim and his family,' the statement said. 'Further information will be provided at an appropriate time.'
Los Angeles Times
19 hours ago
- Los Angeles Times
Myanmar military airstrike on gem-mining town kills at least 21
BANGKOK — An airstrike by Myanmar's military on the town of Mogok, the center of the Southeast Asian country's lucrative gem-mining industry, has killed at least 21 people including a pregnant woman, an armed opposition group, residents and Myanmar's online media said Saturday. The assault was the latest in a series of frequent and deadly military airstrikes, often causing civilian casualties, that have intensified in a bid to reclaim territory from resistance groups amid the civil war that erupted after the army seized power in February 2021. The attack occurred Thursday night in Shwegu ward in Mogok township, about 70 miles northeast of Mandalay, the country's second-largest city, said Lway Yay Oo, a spokesperson for the the Ta'ang National Liberation Army. The TNLA is one of the powerful ethnic militias fighting against the government army near the Chinese border. 'About 21 civilians were killed. Seven others were injured. Homes and Buddhist monastery buildings were also damaged,' Lway Yay Oo said. Mogok, the ruby-mining center in the upper Mandalay region, was seized in July 2024 by the TNLA, a member of an alliance of ethnic militias that seized a large swath of territory in northeastern Myanmar in an offensive that began in late 2023. The group's statement released Friday night on its Telegram social media channel said 16 women were among those killed in the airstrike, which appeared to target a Buddhist monastery in Mogok's Shwegu ward. It said 15 houses were also damaged when a jet fighter dropped a bomb. Two Mogok residents told the Associated Press on Saturday that the death toll had risen to nearly 30, though the exact number could not be independently confirmed. The residents, who spoke on condition of anonymity because they were afraid of being arrested by the military, said the death toll was high because one of the bombed houses had been hosting visitors to the pregnant woman. Independent online media, including Myanmar Now and Democratic Voice of Burma, released pictures and videos described as debris in the aftermath of the airstrike. The military did not comment on the attack in Mogok. In the past, the army has said it attacks only legitimate targets of war, describing the resistance forces as terrorists. Myanmar, also known as Burma, has been in turmoil since the army seized power from the elected government of Aung San Suu Kyi in February 2021. After peaceful demonstrations were put down with lethal force, many opponents of military rule took up arms, and large parts of the country are now embroiled in conflict. The military government has stepped up airstrikes against the armed pro-democracy People's Defense Force, and ethnic militias that have been fighting for greater autonomy for decades. The resistance forces have no defense against air attacks. The TNLA's statement said that 17 more people including two Buddhist monks had been killed and 20 others were injured in the first two weeks of August by airstrikes in areas controlled by the group. About 16 people, mostly truck drivers, were killed in airstrikes Monday on a convoy of trucks that were parked on the road due to heavy fighting near the town of Sagaing in central Myanmar, according to independent media reports in the country. Opponents and independent analysts estimate that the army now controls less than half the country while maintaining a tenacious grip on much of central Myanmar, including the capital, Naypyidaw. It has accelerated counteroffensives ahead of the election it has promised to hold at the end of this year in order to retake areas controlled by opposition forces. Critics say the elections won't be democratic because there is no free media and most leaders of Suu Kyi's party have been arrested. Suu Kyi was arrested in the 2021 coup. The planned vote is widely seen as an attempt to legitimize and maintain the military's rule. Several opposition groups have said they would seek to derail the election. Peck writes for the Associated Press.
