‘Believing' and Belonging

New York Times

04-05-2025

Last week, Dwight from 'The Office' called me to talk about God.
Almost. It was the actor who played Dwight, Rainn Wilson. He'd read my essay that launched 'Believing,' a project on how people find meaning in their lives — in religion, spirituality or anywhere. He'd written a best-selling book on the topic, one that was so self-aware and funny I actually laughed out loud. He just wanted to connect.
That seems to be a theme.
Since I published 'Believing,' I've heard from thousands of Morning readers. Everyone has a story to share about belief, no matter how they come at the topic. My inbox is now a microcosm of the internet: MAGA bros, professors, wellness influencers, theologians, climate activists, pop psychologists, grandmothers and a source who sent me an unpublished letter from Pope Francis. I heard from people across America and around the world, including Brazil, New Zealand and Saudi Arabia. In the messages, a clear trend emerged that unites this very disparate group: People crave meaningful connection.
In 'Believing,' I explained that religion offers people three B's: beliefs about the world, behaviors to follow and belonging in a community or culture. Readers seized on the last one. They said they wanted to belong — in rich, profound and sustained ways.
It makes sense. A major, global study recently released by Harvard and Baylor universities affirmed what so much other data has shown: People flourish — they live happier, healthier and better lives — if they have strong social connections. It also found that religions, for all their reputational baggage, can provide people with robust communities.
The power of belonging
In 'Believing,' I shared that I once belonged to a strong community — that I was raised Mormon in Arkansas but that I have since left the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It was vulnerable and weird and hard for me to talk about. Still, it seemed to be a catalyst for connection.
Soon, my inbox was filled with personal stories.
'She began with a personal testament of her own loss of faith, so forgive me if I too bare my soul,' Richard Dawkins, the famous advocate for atheism, replied in a letter to my article.
I heard from Orthodox, secular and Messianic Jews; Catholics, lapsed and practicing; Muslims; Southern Baptists; Unitarian Universalists; Quakers; and Zen Buddhists. I heard from devotees of Alcoholics Anonymous and a secular-humanist organization in Houston. 'I also grew up deeply faithful, as the son of a Presbyterian Minister,' the Rev. Duncan Newcomer wrote. 'I had a deep love, like you, of the whole thing.'
People said very little about God. The topic was simply a gateway to people's most intimate worlds: childhoods, divorces, diagnoses, deathbed diary entries, unforgetten books and poems and passages. Bill Goodykoontz, from Maine, encouraged me to research 'thin places' — spots in the world where people say they can feel something beyond themselves.
All the messages point to something bigger.
A structural issue
People need to be in strong communities to flourish, defined as being in a state where all aspects of their lives are good. That's what the Global Flourishing Study found last week. People are more likely to flourish in countries like Indonesia and the Philippines, where people report finding more meaning or purpose in their lives, than those in many more-developed nations. 'The negative relationship between meaning and gross domestic product per capita is particularly striking,' they wrote. 'We may need a reconsideration of spiritual pathways to well-being.'
Kelsey Osgood, an author who was raised without religion, knows this. She converted to Orthodox Judaism in adulthood. She said people in her community offer support to one another reflexively — when someone is sick, hospitalized, grieving. 'Everybody knows exactly what to do. Everybody knows where to go. You know what to say,' she said. Osgood said this makes the more taxing elements of religious practice 'worth it' to her.
The inverse is also true. When people feel exiled from their religious community — because of their politics, their sexuality or their beliefs — they often lose entire worlds. The grief that follows can be comprehensive. Many people stay away from faith communities, often for good.
Others decide to come back, which seems to be contributing to the pause of secularization in America. Robert Stempkowski, a 62-year-old writer in Michigan, sent me a 36-page document about his journey with belief. He described a time when he was 'shooting himself in the foot' as a 'failed husband, absentee father and a drunken, former restaurant critic,' he said. 'I was out of bullets and bylines.' He ultimately found his way back to church.
I responded to his email and expressed my sincere gratitude that he took the time to write.
He replied: 'Thanks for letting me share.'
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You also had the experience of being a caregiver for your mom when she was dying from cancer. I know that your mom had a sense of your accomplishments as a writer. But she was illiterate. Do you know if anyone ever read your work to her?
I think it was hard for her to be in proximity of my reading and writing, because I was evidence of what she could have done if she had a normal life untouched by war. When I realized that, I stopped reading in front of her, because it was almost mocking. Also, where I'm from, reading itself is a class betrayal. Oh, you're too good for us. You're trying to read to go to college. You're trying too hard to get out.
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