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Boston Globe
6 hours ago
- Politics
- Boston Globe
Steve Benson, provocative editorial cartoonist, dies at 71
In an interview in 2017 with KJZZ Radio in Phoenix, Mr. Benson said that 'the role of an editorial cartoonist is not really to give the bottom line on anything, because all we want to do is kick bottoms and, and if it incentivizes people to jump into the -- into the riot -- then that's great.' Get Starting Point A guide through the most important stories of the morning, delivered Monday through Friday. Enter Email Sign Up 'I don't aim to please,' he often said, as his mantra. 'I just aim.' Advertisement In criticizing President Trump's insistence on extending barriers along the US-Mexico border in 2018, Mr. Benson depicted President Reagan speaking before a wall topped by concertina wire and saying, 'My fellow Americans, don't build this wall.' It was a takeoff on Reagan's speech in front of the Berlin Wall in 1987, when he famously invoked Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev in declaring, 'Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!' In one of the 10 cartoons that earned Mr. Benson the 1993 Pulitzer in editorial cartooning, Prime Minister Yitzhak Shamir of Israel and Secretary of State James Baker are standing beside a graveyard of Jews whose tombstones say they were killed by terrorists. Shamir asks, 'I suppose you're going to blame us for this growing Jewish settlement, too, Mr. Baker?' Advertisement Another was that of a starving Somali child whose torso takes the shape of an hourglass with its sand having nearly run out; it appeared at the time of a US-led United Nations military intervention in Somalia. He had been a finalist for the prize in 1984, 1989, and 1992 and would be again in 1994. Mr. Benson grew up in a Mormon family, a grandson of Ezra Taft Benson, the president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints from 1985 until his death in 1994 and the secretary of agriculture under President Eisenhower. Steve Benson's cartooning and religious faith clashed when he often lampooned Evan Mecham, a conservative Republican who was the first Mormon to be elected governor of Arizona; Mecham served only 15 months, stepping down when he was convicted of two charges of misconduct in an impeachment trial in the state Senate in 1988. While in office, he rescinded the holiday that honors the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. Mr. Benson, who had early on been a supporter of Mecham's, ultimately portrayed him as a 'paranoid pipsqueak whose ethics rose no higher than his socks,' The New York Times wrote in 1988. His cartoons rankled his Mormon relatives -- he was excluded from a Thanksgiving dinner at his in-laws' house -- as well as Mecham, who called to tell him that his work violated the Ten Commandments. Advertisement Even more, Mr. Benson was ousted as a local church official in 1989 after his cartoon, 'The Second Coming' -- drawn after Mecham said he would run for reelection in 1990 -- showed the governor descending from heaven holding a volume titled 'The Book of Moron, by Ev Mecham.' In 1993, Mr. Benson and his wife at the time, Mary Ann Benson, announced that they had resigned from the church. Steve Benson said he had become an atheist. He also moved from conservative to liberal in his politics, expressing his new leanings with cartoons that supported civil, transgender and abortion rights and Native Americans. Stephen Reed Benson was born Jan. 2, 1954, in Sacramento and grew up in Salt Lake City; Richardson, Texas; and Fort Wayne, Ind.. His father, Mark, was the president of a division of Saladmaster, which makes cookware. His mother, Lela (Wing) Benson, was a music instructor. Steve's early drawing talent was nurtured by his paternal grandmother, Flora Benson, who arranged for art lessons. As a teenager, he enrolled in an art correspondence course, on a scholarship, and submitted work all through high school (in Richardson and Fort Wayne). One summer job in high school was caricaturing customers at the Six Flags Over Texas amusement park. After serving a two-year Mormon mission in Japan, Mr. Benson entered Brigham Young University, where he was a political cartoonist for the student newspaper The Daily Universe. He started as a graphic arts major but switched to political science when he 'realized that he needed a bigger canvas,' Ferguson, his wife, said. He graduated with a bachelor's degree in 1979. He was hired by The Arizona Republic, based in Phoenix in 1980. In 1990, he left for The Tacoma Morning News Tribune in Washington state, but returned to the Republic a year later. Advertisement Mr. Benson stayed at the Republic until 2019, when he was laid off; he then joined The Arizona Mirror, a nonprofit news website, which preserves his cartoons online in 'Benson's Corner.' The collection includes a cartoon of the Statue of Liberty standing on a map of Arizona and saying, 'I'm here to help you guard your reproductive rights.' After Mr. Benson's death, Jim Small, the editor of The Arizona Mirror, wrote in a tribute, 'His work was as ubiquitous as it was powerful, and it not only sparked water cooler conversations in workplaces across the state, but it sometimes actually drove news cycles.' Mr. Benson retired in late 2023. In addition to his wife, he leaves his daughter, Audrey Benson Nuamah, and his sons, Brent and Eric, all from his first marriage, to Mary Ann Christiansen, which ended in divorce; his brother, Michael; his sisters, Stacey Ann Reeder, Margaret Ferry, and Mary Richards; and seven grandchildren. Another sister, Stephanie Benson Young, died in a car accident in 2022. Another daughter, Rebecca Benson, also from his marriage to Christiansen, died in 2018 when a vehicle struck her bicycle. Steve Benson found a fan in Queen Elizabeth II after he portrayed her as rain-soaked, wearing galoshes and carrying a dripping umbrella to Buckingham Palace after her West Coast tour in 1983, which coincided with severe rainstorms. A palace guard asks her, 'A pleasant trip, your majesty?' A spokesperson said that she had been amused by the cartoon and asked Mr. Benson for the drawing. Mr. Benson told the AP that 'as one of the queen's loyal subjects' he would make an exception to his rule against giving away originals. Advertisement This article originally appeared in
Dominion Post
9 hours ago
- Sport
- Dominion Post
COLUMN: Think Provo, Utah is not a Big 12 road trip worth taking? Think again
MORGANTOWN — My feet were dangling, suspended over a 500-foot drop. I wasn't scared. 'Wow,' I said. I was surrounded by miles of Utah's beautiful mountains, a lake and waterfalls. After a couple of moments, I accelerated my zip-line trolley forward, moving at speeds of up to 60 miles per hour. It was one of the coolest experiences while visiting Provo, Utah. In 2021, BYU was one of many schools announced to join West Virginia in the Big 12 for athletics in the future. Fast forward a couple of years, and BYU is about to begin its third year in the conference. The Cougars have already made an impact in athletics, and don't show signs of slowing down. BYU landed top-rated basketball recruit, A.J. Dybantsa, and was ranked the highest Big 12 team in the Learfield's Director's Cup. BYU has made a surge in football, too. In 2024, the Cougars finished 11-2 and tied for the best conference record. If BYU quarterback Jake Retzlaff didn't recently transfer, it'd be a Big 12 contender this season, and still may be. On Oct. 3, Rich Rodriguez's Mountaineers make the 1,700-mile trek to play BYU for the third time and first time in Provo, Utah, as a member of the Big 12. Provo will be new territory for a lot of West Virginia fans, so what should they expect? I spent three days in Provo, learning what the town of 113,000 people has to offer for Mountaineer fans if they make the trip. At first glance, Provo's a Mormon town with strict rules, and more importantly for sports fans, no alcohol. While alcohol might not be as easily accessible as it is in Morgantown, there are some places where you can get a drink. Mormons do come in bunches, but it plays to the benefit of how friendly the community is. You could say that won't be the case when Mountaineer fans roll into town for the game, but BYU is one of the few schools that offer free ice cream after the first quarter to visiting fans. Provo might be stereotyped to have a lot of rules, but there's also a lot of fun to be had when visiting. If you are making the trip for the Friday night game, here are a couple of highlights from my trip that might be of interest. MOZZ Artisan Pizza Located right in downtown Provo, it specializes in craft pizzas, which are sourdough. I had the Serrano Honey pizza, which had that sweet and a little bit of spice. It was easily consumable by one person and will run you under a little under $20. It could be shared with guests if not so hungry. Black Sheep Cafe One of the highlight restaurant spots on the trip. It's a Native American-style restaurant, but it has your usual lunch and dinner foods. I recommend the Navajo Pork Tacos, and so will everyone in the town if you talk about Black Sheep Cafe. It's another place in downtown Provo, and it was busy, so I'd recommend getting a reservation in advance. Ernies Sports Deli This is a place for sports fans. There are pool tables and televisions everywhere. This is another spot in downtown Provo. There were a lot of options for lunch and breakfast sandwiches, and it wasn't too crowded. Backdoor BRGR This was a classic burger spot just a couple of blocks down from MOZZ downtown. The burgers were a bit small, but they had a neat Western vibe. Strap Tank Brewery This place is where West Virginia fans can get the alcohol fix. This is a classic brewery with fill-you-up bar food and craft drinks. I didn't try any of the drinks, but the drinks menu looked like it had a bit of everything. This place is a bit outside of downtown Provo, so a car or a rideshare will be needed. Bearclaw At the top of Sundance is a little restaurant with some entrees but more shareables. It's not a place to center a whole meal around, but good for a quick bite with an amazing view. Sundance Owl Bar There are two restaurants at the base of Sundance Mountain, and this is the 21-plus option. This bar has food, cocktails, and all beers are brewed in Utah. There's sometimes a band that plays, and on nice days, an option to sit outside. There's also a nice little stream surrounding the outside. Swig/Sodalicious One of the things Utah is most known for is its craft sodas, and something I didn't know about before arriving there. How it works is you choose a base soda like Coke, Dr. Pepper, Mountain Dew, etc., and then there are a couple of options where they add different flavorings to it. It's like a virgin cocktail, if that's easier to understand. Sodalicious is walking distance, and Swig is a little car trip outside of downtown. Vinci Gelato There are a couple of Gelato places around downtown. Vinci was a mile walk from downtown and had a lot of different options. It was a bit on the pricey side, but it was a nice little establishment with an outdoor seating area. Top Golf There are Top Golf places everywhere, but there's no Top Golf place I've seen with a better view. The driving range looks right into the beautiful Utah mountains. Dreamwalk Park This was one of the coolest experiences on the trip, and I highly recommend it. It's inside a mall, and the backstory is that it was created by a sci-fi set builder, whose movie was scrapped because of the pandemic. The trio of Brad Skaar, Ben McPherson, and John Pope decided to make the scrapped sets into an interactive experience. It's hard to explain without actually experiencing it, but if you like movies like Star Wars, Avatar, or Indiana Jones, you'd appreciate this experience. The whole experience can take you only an hour or as long as two hours. There are games at the end and interactivity all over the park. Great for all ages. Herber Hatchets I didn't get to experience this, but I wanted to include it as an option. It's an axe-throwing place with a couple of bays that's located under Backdoor BRGR. High County Adventures If it's a nice day, this is a beautiful and peaceful experience. Provo River runs through the valley, and there's a section that you can either tube or raft on. You can take in the beautiful mountains and scenery in either a tube, a raft or a guided tour. The water is freezing, though, because it comes from a reservoir, even when it's 90-plus degrees outside. Ziplining This was by far the coolest experience on the trip. At the top of Sundance Mountain Resort, three ziplines run from the top of the peak to the bottom. These are self-braking ziplines, allowing you to control your speed and take in the scenery, including Mt. Timpanogos, which is the ninth-tallest mountain in Utah. This experience is very pricey, but if you have the money to spend, I highly recommend it. Art Studio Sundance For the more creative people, there's an art shop at the base of Sundance Mountain. The art shop has classes on making pottery, perfume, candles, painting, soap, glass, pretty much anything art-related. The candle-making class wasn't long, and it wasn't too expensive. Y Hike This hike definitely wasn't for the weak. It's pretty steep, but a very doable hike that's very active and not too long. Even with frequent stops, I completed the hike in 90 minutes. It might seem daunting, but the view over Provo was worth it. You might be sore the next couple of days, though. Stewarts Falls Hike I ran out of time for the Stewarts Falls hike. It's located at Sundance Mountain. It's not as steep as the Y Hike, but it has a little more distance. From the zipline, the waterfall looked really pretty.
New York Post
11 hours ago
- New York Post
James Craig, dentist on trial for wife's poison murder, claims victim was emotionally manipulative, unstable
As prosecutors attempted to paint a Colorado dentist as a calculated killer who poisoned his wife to pursue a new romantic life, the defense took a dramatically different route by portraying his wife of 23 years as emotionally manipulative and mentally unstable. Dr. James Toliver Craig, 47, is charged with first-degree murder in the March 2023 death of his wife, Angela Craig, a 43-year-old mother of six. Her cause of death was determined to be lethal doses of cyanide and tetrahydrozoline. In opening statements Tuesday in Colorado, defense attorney Ashley Whitham acknowledged the couple's rocky 23-year marriage but described Angela not as a victim of betrayal, but as someone who was emotionally broken, deeply private and at times manipulative. 'You're going to hear her own daughter describe her that she was also manipulating words,' Whitham revealed to jurors Tuesday. 'Again, that if she wanted to try to get something, she would be manipulative.' The Colorado couple's marital strife was laid bare in Tuesday's opening remarks. Prosecutors pointed to his relationship with a Texas orthodontist, Dr. Karin Cain, as the motivation for the murder. Cain has not returned Fox News Digital's requests for comment. The defense said the 47-year-old husband had extramarital affairs throughout the couple's marriage. 'Karin Cain was just like the others. This wasn't some new obsession,' Whitham said. 4 Dr. James Toliver Craig is charged with first-degree murder in the March 2023 death of his wife. AP 4 Defense portrayed his wife of 23 years as emotionally manipulative during the trial. AP Along with a series of affairs, Craig also allegedly used the website advertising himself as 'Jim and Waffles' and claiming a net worth of $10 million in search of 'sugar babies.' Whitham described Angela as an 'extremely private' stay-at-home mom of six who, due to her deeply held Mormon faith, was reluctant to share the couple's marital issues. She claimed Angela was isolated and someone who was 'not about to tell people about her marital struggles' and who was 'broken.' Defense attorney Kelly Hyman delved into the dueling strategies as the high-stakes murder trial kicks off. She noted that the defense's strategy to cast Angela as manipulative and unstable plays into their aims to create reasonable doubt and reframe the context. 'By doing so, the defendant implies that [he] wasn't responsible,' she explained to Fox News Digital. 'That could go to the heaty of the defense that Angela killed herself and that it was suicide.' 4 Angela Craig, a mother of six, was poisoned with lethal doses of cyanide and tetrahydrozoline. Summerbrook Dental Group/Facebook While prosecutors argued Tuesday that Craig's alleged Google searches, chemical orders and romantic messages to his alleged mistress amount to premeditation, Hyman warned that speculative interpretation of digital evidence isn't always a slam dunk. Every morning, the NY POSTcast offers a deep dive into the headlines with the Post's signature mix of politics, business, pop culture, true crime and everything in between. Subscribe here! 'A way to do this is to challenge admissibility and the reliability of the digital evidence. This can be done on cross-examination or through a defense witness to counter the digital forensic and timeline reconstruction,' she said. The defense argued Tuesday that investigators operated with 'tunnel vision' and failed to investigate other leads. The defense said Angela's personal laptop was never seized or searched despite prosecutors showing images of her using it from her hospital bed to research symptoms. 'The defense could argue that the unexamined laptop may contain information supporting an alternative theory of events or potentially pointing to another person and/or a different timeline,' Hyman said. 'This omission may suggest an incomplete and/or biased investigation.' Hyman also noted that the absence of direct physical evidence, such as cyanide residue on containers or packaging, could work to the defense's advantage. 4 Craig also allegedly used the website advertising himself as 'Jim and Waffles' and in search of 'sugar babies.' Summerbrook Dental Group/Facebook 'The absence of direct physical evidence like poison residue on the protein shake containers or the victim's body presents a key argument for the defense to use,' she said. Investigators alleged in court documents obtained by Fox News Digital that, in the weeks before his wife's hospitalization and death, Craig used a dental office computer to search for 'undetectable poisons' and how to obtain them, later purchasing arsenic and cyanide by mail, 'how many grams of pure arsenic will kill a human' and 'is arsenic detectable in an autopsy?' Alongside these online searches, investigators alleged Craig made YouTube queries such as 'how to make poison' and 'Top 5 Undetectable Poisons That Show No Signs of Foul Play.' Fox News Digital has reached out to James Craig's lead attorney, Lisa Fine Moses, for comment.
Buzz Feed
a day ago
- General
- Buzz Feed
16 People Divorced In First Year Of Marriage Share Why
We recently wrote a post where people who got divorced in their first year of marriage revealed the shocking reasons why. In the comments, more readers shared their stories, which range from devastating to absolutely shocking. Here's what they had to say: "We were together for seven years before getting married, so I thought it was a sure thing. About six months after the marriage, he started getting distant. One night, I asked what was wrong. Completely blindsided me by saying he couldn't do it anymore, and he wanted out. He moved out shortly after claiming we had grown apart and weren't the same people. It turns out he was with a woman from his work; they married two years later and have a kid now." "I was in my early 20s and had a young child from a previous relationship when I married my high school sweetheart. I broke up with him in high school because he cheated. I never felt the same about him. He had never gotten over me and pursued me consistently. Against my better judgment, I gave in because marrying him seemed to make sense. He proposed, probably a month after I agreed to be his girlfriend. He went out of his way to care for my daughter and me. After marriage, he flipped a switch." "I married the Mormon missionary who baptized me. Moved from California to Tennessee, where his mother refused to let go of her 'baby.' I was pregnant after one month of marriage. His mother convinced him that he didn't love me and needed to divorce me. She had us over for dinner, where she tried to convince me to give our son up for adoption to his only sister. My dad flew out to Tennessee and packed my Ford Ranger up and drove me back to California." "She was emotionally cheating on me with a friend for about 10 months and had had multiple physical affairs I never knew about. We'd been together five years, living together for three, and had a house together. We got married last June, then in September, our mutual friend, with whom she was having an emotional affair, gave her an ultimatum of either leaving me for him, or he would break things off. She freaked out and wrote me a letter about how she had been having this emotional affair since our engagement, six months before the wedding, and it was going strong, but she wanted to be honest with me and tell me herself. ... I decided to stay with her and give couples therapy a chance because I was raised that you don't just give up on a marriage. After all, a situation gets difficult, or someone makes a mistake. Through that, though, she ultimately confessed that she had several physical affairs in the past five years." "I had just turned 21, and he was 31 when we first got together. We were together for four years, and it was alright (in hindsight, there were tons of red flags I ignored). We rushed the marriage because I needed health insurance. We were already engaged, but I had doubts that I chose to ignore because of health insurance. We had a little court wedding, and that night, he started laying out 'rules' for how a wife *should* act. I knew then I had messed up badly. Four months later, I filed for divorce." "He was a Navy corpsman stationed out of state. When I called in the wee hours to tell him I was taking our infant son to the ER, a sleepy woman answered. I heard her tell him, 'It's your wife. Tell her, don't call here anymore.' When he came home, the top picture in his wallet was a strange baby girl. I found out that it was his daughter. He had started a new family near his post. I was done." "I was older, 36, previously married, and had a child. He was younger, 30, and never married. After a few dates and starting to have strong feelings, I had a conversation like, 'It's early and probably too soon, but it's pointless to go further if you want to have children. I'm not having any more, my tubes are tied.' He reassured me that he would be happy with me and my child. Fast forward, we get married within a year of dating, and then after a couple of months of marriage, he asks me to have my tubes untied. Um, no, that's why I told you that from the start." "We met in college and stumbled through years of an on-and-off, mostly long-distance relationship. I was young, hopeful, and maybe too eager to become a wife. We hopped from state to state, chasing fresh starts, but everything shifted once we landed in Texas. That's when the distance between us wasn't just about geography anymore. He started pulling away, blaming stress from his new job. His phone was always off. When I asked why, he casually turned it on like I was overreacting. When I questioned the woman who kept calling, he brushed it off: 'Just a colleague,' he said. She even vouched for their 'friendship,' managing to convince me I was out of my mind for doubting it. Still, something felt off. Marriage — once the topic we danced around with excitement — suddenly became a conversation he avoided like the plague. When I finally threatened to leave, he flipped the script." "I asked for a divorce exactly a year later when his drinking became his only priority, and his family made excuses for it. In our year of marriage, he lost his job, drove drunk with my child in the car, and told his mom every 'bad' or 'wrong' thing I did so she would yell at me for her son. It got so toxic, I felt like the only good thing I could do was walk away." "I knew it was a bad idea. His horrid mother had pushed us until we married after canceling a wedding that she had taken over. My parents were shell-shocked that I still married the guy. It was over as it began, but we stayed married for nine years. Again, my mother-in-law pushed us to stay together, have a kid, etc. We were so young that neither of us realized that his mom just wanted to dominate our lives." "It all started in January when I met my ex. I wasn't looking for love — just something new, a shift in my routine. But he had this way of making everything feel alive. We clicked instantly. Conversations felt effortless, like we'd known each other in another life. By March, we were practically inseparable. It was fast — too fast, according to some. But to us, it felt right. We got married in June, in a small ceremony with just our closest people. There was so much hope at that moment. We really believed love could carry us through anything. But by September, the cracks started to show. Living together uncovered more differences than we anticipated — how we communicated, handled stress, and what we each wanted out of life. What used to feel exciting started feeling like constant friction." "We were together for four years before getting married, and there were so many signs I should run for the hills and moments I would think, 'You don't want this; leave now!' We were both previously married and were trying to blend our families. We decided to get married before our actual wedding. I didn't tell my parents or friends, which is unlike me because they knew everything. On our wedding day, I knew I should walk away, but I didn't." "My ex-husband and I had an on-and-off relationship for several years. We shared a child and later married simply because he had nowhere else to go. On our wedding day, after we exchanged vows and kissed, he told me he loved me — for the first time. I brushed it off at the time, but once he moved in, I realized he had a severe alcohol addiction. [Eventually], I knew I had to leave. I left a few months before our two-year anniversary." "When we married, I knew she was pregnant but didn't care. We both agreed that the child would be mine because she wanted nothing to do with his dad. After we married, every day while I was at work (I found out from a friend later on), she would see the child's dad while the kid was in daycare. Then, while I was at home with the child, she would say she had school. Yes, she did some college at night, so I didn't second-guess it. After a while, my friend finally told me what she had seen. I asked my wife about it, and she said nothing was going on. The next day, I found her moved out of our place and into his. This was all within four months of being married." "I married my first husband when I was 21, and he was 22. We had dated for less than one year. He was in the army and was getting stationed in a new base, and he didn't want to go without me. So romantic, right? Even though I knew it was a rash decision, I did it anyway. About three months after we got married, he cheated on me with our neighbor's 15-year-old sister, who was visiting for the summer. I did not find out about it until three months after that, when I stumbled upon love letters she had written him, complete with naked pictures taken inside my house." And finally... "I had a lot of fun in high school. I played football and was very social. However, college was a difficult time. My parents' finances collapsed, and my mom committed tons of fraud on me — a whole other story — and I became super serious and lost touch with my best friends. Shortly after college, I met a very nice girl and someone I would have never pictured myself as being with when I was growing up — quiet, reserved, and kind of dull — but that's what I kind of became. People my age were getting married, so five months in, I proposed. It felt…okay. We went to different schools but were from the same town; both of us were known. When the time came to line up the wedding party, I reached out to my old friends, who were excited for me, but there were clear 'what is he doing?' vibes. Nothing felt right, except that this event brought my old friends back into my life." Wow. If you went through a divorce in your first year of marriage and feel comfortable telling your story, share in the comments. Or, if you prefer to remain anonymous, you can use the form below.
Yahoo
a day ago
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
What is 'soft swapping' and how is it different for LGBTQ+ couples? Sex experts explain
You've likely heard of polyamory, swinging, and ethical non-monogamy, but what about the term 'soft swapping'? The practice has been around for a long time within the swinging community, but it gained popularity when it was featured on the reality show The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, which showed Taylor Frankie Paul's TikTok video where she talked about her and her friends being into 'soft swinging,' also known as soft swapping. Paul's marriage eventually ended in divorce, but she managed to popularize the term, which she said in a TikTok live referred to swapping partners where 'you just hook up but you don't go all the way.' Soft swapping can either be a relationship model or a way to dip your toe into ethical non-monogamy on your way to swinging or polyamory. The 'soft' in soft swapping means that penetrative sex is off the table. But what does that mean for the queer community, where penetrative sex doesn't look the same as it does for straight couples? We talked to experts to break down what soft swapping is, whether or not it's common for LGBTQ+ couples, which sexual activities are on the table, and what the downside is. JLco Julia Amaral/Shutterstock In an open relationship, both partners are able to date and have sex with people outside of the committed relationship, but with soft swapping, partners become intimate with people within a friend group or swinging community, and sexual contact is limited. This is different from 'hard swapping' or 'full swapping' which refers to swinging where penetrative sexual activity is allowed. 'Soft swapping is a form of consensual or ethical non-monogamy (ENM) where a couple explores sexual play with other couples, or within a community of other couples. It's a lot like swinging but tends to have more boundaries set out about what is allowed and often will restrict partners from having penetrative sex outside the relationship,' Emma Hewitt, a certified sex educator with Adulttoymegastore and the host of the podcast the Electric Rodeo, tells PRIDE. 'Historically, swinging in general has been considered a very hetero activity. You know the stereotype. The husband puts his key in a bowl at the party and whichever wife pulls his keys is who goes off with him for a good time,' Hewitt explains. 'Whether this party practice was ever actually popular or just a good trope for a comedy sitcom is up in the air, but what we do know is that how society learnt about swinging was definitely through a heterosexual lens.' But statistics show that the LGBTQ+ community is more likely to participate in non-monogamous relationship models than their straight counterparts. According to a 2018 study on open relationships, 32% of gay participants, 5% of lesbian participants, and 22% of bisexual participants report being in open relationships, while only 2% of heterosexual participants say the same. 'LGBTQIA+ folks likely are as into soft swinging as straight folks, if not more, but we just haven't heard as much about it. How queer people define sex tends to be different to how straight people do. While sex is often defined as penetrative sex by straight people, the definition is much more diverse for queer folks so how they define swinging or soft swinging is likely different too,' Hewitt says. Mincemeat/Shutterstock The parameters are fairly clearly defined for straight folks looking to spice up their sex life with soft swapping: just stay away from PIV sex. But what activities aren't allowed when you're dating in Queerland? 'In straight swinging circles, a soft swap usually refers to any non-penetrative sexual play,' she explains. "So, it might involve kissing, touching and oral sex. But in queer circles, these boundaries may look different depending on what the swinging partners determine to be sex.' Sex and relationship therapist Aimee Evnin-Bingham advises discussing your desires for soft swapping openly with your partner and then deciding together what sexual boundaries you're both comfortable with. 'Couples should decide on what they feel comfortable when opening up their relationship. It may differ on what is 'allowed' depending on the relationship boundaries,' she says. This means deciding together how you define sex and what sex acts are permitted within the agreement you have with your partner, and which ones are not. This also may be a good time to discuss how you both define cheating so that you know how to stay within the bounds of your commitment to each other. Soft swapping can feel like a safe way to explore open relationships and have sexual experiences with new people without committing to swinging, polyamory, or other forms of ethical non-monogamy. According to Evnin-Bingham, since soft swapping is often done when both partners are in the same room, it can give someone feeling insecure a sense of control because they know what their partner is up to, while for others, it can spice up the bedroom. 'It may be exciting to see their partners soft swinging with other people. It can broaden your desire and you can learn more about what you like and what you don't like,' she reveals. Hewitt agrees and says that soft swapping can also be a way to explore kinks, fetishes, and fantasies 'that their partner may not be interested in' without completely opening up your relationship. Srdjan Randjelovic/Shutterstock Even if you are in a stable relationship, jealousy can rear its ugly head and spell the end of your relationship. And if you end up falling for someone you're soft swapping with, you put your whole relationship at risk. This is exactly what happened to Paul when she developed feelings for someone outside of her marriage who she was soft swapping with. 'Soft swinging shouldn't be considered a band-aid for a relationship that is already in trouble. If you have trust issues with one another, it's likely to put more strain and pressure on an already struggling relationship and can be a contributing factor to relationship dissolution,' Hewitt says. If you're the one interested in trying soft swapping, have a conversation with your partner and be open about why you want to open your relationship in this way and how you think the experience will benefit you both. It can also help your partner feel less insecure if you remind them that you want to explore this with them, and not just as a way to skirt around monogamy. Then, give them the time and space to consider your request and be ready to accept it if they won't want to give it a try. 'Give them time to process and do some research about soft swinging if they aren't sure what it means and don't hurry them into answering then and there. This isn't something that people should dive into on a whim,' Hewitt explains. 'If they aren't interested, respect that. It's ok to ask if it's a conversation you can return to in the future but don't nag or pressure them if it's something they don't want to do.' And if your partner is the one who brings soft swapping up to you, try to keep an open mind and allow yourself to really think about it before you give an answer. 'Remember that it needs to work for everyone involved. If you are doing it because your partner wants to, but you don't, or vice versa, you are likely setting yourself up to fail as resentment inevitably kicks in,' she says. If you're going to start soft swapping, it's important to make sure you are taking care of both your emotional and physical health. Like with most things in life, and sex, communication is key. Consider setting up regular check-ins to make sure you are both still happy, and be prepared to be open about how you're really feeling. Set up clear boundaries. Hewitt warns that setting up 'blanket rules' for soft swapping won't be enough, instead you and your partner need to be specific about which sex acts are allowed with other partners and which are off the table since the way you each define 'sex' and 'cheating' may be different. Then, be clear about your boundaries with potential soft swapping partners. Talk about the future. After play sessions, you and your partner should talk openly about whether your needs are being met or your boundaries are being pushed so that you can decide together if you want to continue soft swapping. Safe sex is paramount. You are your partner need to be on the same page about your comfort level around fluid bonding, contraceptive use, and STI risks before you start soft swapping. Get tested regularly, consider going on PrEP, and talk openly about these things with anyone you and your partner may swap with. Emma Hewitt, a certified sex educator with Adulttoymegastore and the host of the podcast the Electric Rodeo. Aimee Evnin-Bingham, a sex and relationship therapist. This article originally appeared on Pride: What is 'soft swapping' and how is it different for LGBTQ+ couples? Sex experts explain If your girlfriend wants an open relationship but you don't here's what to do, say experts 10 tips for a better long-distance relationship 15 clear signs it's time for your relationship to be over
