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RFK Jr. Mandates All Americans Drink Mysterious Glowing Liquid

RFK Jr. Mandates All Americans Drink Mysterious Glowing Liquid

The Oniona day ago
WASHINGTON—Claiming the luminous potion would make the nation strong and vigorous, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued an order Friday directing all Americans to drink a mysterious glowing liquid. 'In order to end the chronic disease epidemic in this country, it is imperative that every man, woman, and child take a large swig of this wondrous concoction,' said Kennedy, who held up a corked bottle emitting a bright, almost neon, green glow and explained that the eerie liquid would be added to municipal water sources to ensure the entire populace had access to it. 'In the past, corrupt medical researchers have doubted the curative powers of my extraordinary and stimulating elixir, and government regulators have done everything in their power to stop people from ingesting it. But that ends now. Soon, every American will swallow this unique medical preparation, feel its intense burn upon the lining of their esophagus, and know its restorative properties are taking effect.' An independent chemical analysis later confirmed the mysterious glowing liquid was just ivermectin with a lot of green food coloring added.
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Earlier this year, the outgoing U.S. surgeon general, Vivek Murthy, recommended a label on bottles of beer, wine and liquor that would clearly outline the link between alcohol consumption and cancer. The federal government's current dietary guidelines recommend Americans not drink or, if they do consume alcohol, men should limit themselves to two drinks a day or fewer while women should stick to one or fewer. Gallup's director of U.S. social research, Lydia Saad, said shifting health advice throughout older Americans' lives may be a reason why they have been more gradual than young adults to recognize alcohol as harmful. 'Older folks may be a little more hardened in terms of the whiplash that they get with recommendations,' Saad said. 'It may take them a little longer to absorb or accept the information. Whereas, for young folks, this is the environment that they've grown up in ... in many cases, it would be the first thing young adults would have heard as they were coming into adulthood.' The government is expected to release new guidelines later this year, under the directive of health secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who has promised big changes. Kennedy has not hinted at how the alcohol recommendations may shift. Slightly more than half of Americans, 54%, report that they drink alcohol — a low in Gallup's data that is especially pronounced among women and young adults. Young Americans' alcohol consumption has been trending downward for years, accelerating the overall decline in alcohol consumption. In sharp contrast with Gallup's findings two decades ago, when young adults were likeliest to report drinking, young adults' drinking rate is now slightly below middle-aged and older adults. Americans' reported drinking is among the lowest since the question was first asked in 1939. For most of the last few decades, at least 6 in 10 Americans have reported drinking alcoholic beverages, only dipping below that point a few times in the question's history. Even if concerns about health risks aren't causing some adults to give up alcohol entirely, these worries could be influencing how often they drink. The survey found that adults who think moderate drinking is bad for one's health are just as likely as people who don't share those concerns to report that they drink, but fewer of the people with health worries had consumed alcohol recently. About half of those who worry moderate drinking is unhealthy said they had a drink in the previous week, compared with about 7 in 10 who did not think drinking was bad for their health. Overall, only about one-quarter of Americans who drink said they had consumed alcohol in the prior 24 hours, a record low in the survey. Roughly 4 in 10 said that it had been more than a week since they had poured a drink.

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