Do You Know How Much Your Spouse Makes? Some Couples Are Clueless.

New York Times

02-03-2025

Here's a pop quiz for married couples.
Do you know your spouse's salary? What about the balance of your partner's 401(k) — and credit card? Bonus points if you can cite how much your husband or wife thinks you need to live comfortably in retirement, or even what age he or she hopes that will happen.
If you're like most married people, you're sure you'll ace this test. Nearly nine in 10 couples say they communicate well with their partner about money, and 94 percent say they are open and transparent with their better half about finances, according to studies released last year by the financial services companies Fidelity and Ameriprise.
In reality? Not so much.
The Fidelity survey found that more than a third of couples couldn't correctly identify their partner's salary within at least $25,000 of their actual pay. Over half disagreed about much they needed to save for retirement. Research shows similar disconnects among many couples when it comes to debt, net worth, savings and lifestyle goals.
That's not even counting the outright secrets that about four in 10 married couples admit to keeping about money, according to a 2025 Bankrate survey. Leading the list of indiscretions: spending more than their partner would be OK with, followed by hiding debt, credit cards or savings accounts.
'About 50 percent of the couples I talk to don't know their combined household income and 90 percent of those with debt don't know how much they owe,' said Ramit Sethi, author of the book 'Money for Couples' and host of a podcast of the same name. 'But beyond facts and figures, the most important thing couples don't know about their partner is what their vision is of a rich life — what ideally they hope their money will allow them to do and accomplish together.'
Ignorance Isn't Bliss
This lack of knowledge about key aspects of a spouse's finances can hinder planning for retirement and other goals, such as buying a home or paying for a child's college education, advisers said. After all, it's tough to get to your destination if you don't know what road you're actually on.
'When there's misinformation or an absence of clarity about the resources you have to work with, you're more likely to make suboptimal financial decisions, and partners' habits and behavior don't always align with goals,' said Douglas Boneparth, a New York City financial planner who writes a newsletter with his wife, Heather, called 'The Joint Account.'
The relationship can suffer too. 'Not being on the same page about money can lead to anxiety, blame and resentment,' Mr. Boneparth said.
Research backs up the potentially adverse impact on marital happiness. Studies show, for instance, that couples who do not communicate well about money or fail to make financial decisions together tend to feel more dissatisfied with their relationship than those who do. A 2021 study by the National Endowment for Financial Education found that, among people who had kept a secret about money from their partner, the deception resulted in arguments for 42 percent and less trust in the relationship for about a third.
Being ill-informed about the way a partner has managed family money can prove especially problematic if a couple splits up or a spouse dies — an issue that often hits harder for women, who are more likely than men to leave investing and retirement planning to their male partner. A UBS survey of women found that, after a spouse's death or the end of their marriage, three-quarters of widows and divorcées encountered 'negative financial surprises,' such as hidden debt or less in savings than anticipated.
'When you're already grieving emotionally, it can be extremely scary to find yourself also having to worry about how you'll pay the mortgage or whether you'll ever be able to retire because you didn't have an accurate picture of how your partner was handling money,' said Aja Evans, a New York City financial therapist and author of the book 'Feel-Good Finance.' 'It just makes a tough situation that much worse.'
Truth and Consequences
If lack of communication and transparency about money hurts so much, why do so many spouses keep each other in the financial dark?
One common culprit is the couple's system for managing the household finances. Nearly half of the couples in the Fidelity survey, for example, said they did not make financial decisions jointly. Other research shows that in many relationships, one partner assumes the role of chief financial officer, taking the lead on investment decisions and financial planning, which can leave the other spouse out of the loop.
'Very often, the issue is this divide-and-conquer approach to money, not that one partner is willfully hiding assets or income,' said Ryan Viktorin, a vice president and financial consultant at Fidelity Investor Center in Framingham, Mass. 'One spouse is very interested in investments and tracking progress on spreadsheets, and the other feels overwhelmed by the numbers and details and is happy to leave the finances to the partner.'
A study in the Journal of the Association for Consumer Research confirms that the partner who is more confident about finances tends to drive the decision-making — whether that person really knows more about money or not. 'Perception and reality aren't perfectly aligned,' said Scott Rick, an associate professor of marketing at the University of Michigan's business school and co-author of the study. 'Partners are actually much closer in financial knowledge than they think.'
Also contributing to the lack of communication and transparency: a desire to keep peace. More than six in 10 people who admitted to lying to a partner about money said fear of disapproval was a motivating factor, according to the National Endowment for Financial Education survey.
'They may not want to have the conversation because they feel shame or embarrassment or think their spouse will pass judgment,' said Marguerita Cheng, a financial planner in Gaithersburg, Md.
Anticipating conflict sometimes has as much to do with each partner's prior experiences — say, if their own parents argued a lot about the family's finances or a former partner constantly criticized their spending habits — as with the present day.
'So often when we're having conversations with our partner about money, we're talking to the ghosts of their past relationships,' Mr. Sethi said. 'We come in with one set of assumptions, our partner comes in with another and one plus one equals a thousand.'
What to Do: Become a Team
Advisers recommend that couples meet regularly to talk about their finances — what many call a money date. But giving it a cute name and adding food and wine by itself won't lead to more open communication.
''Hey honey, let's go out to dinner and let me bust out this spreadsheet over appetizers' isn't going to get you where you need to go,' Mr. Boneparth said.
Here's what will.
Start with goals, not numbers. Advisers suggest putting monthly or quarterly meetings on the calendar to talk about your finances, with the first sit-down focused on aspirations, not nitty-gritty details like how much you're saving and spending.
'The goal of that first meeting is to walk away feeling good about talking about money,' Mr. Sethi said.
Prompts can help guide a conversation about shared goals and what your partner worries about most. Mr. Sethi's book, for example, includes activity sheets that help couples define a rich life and make 10-year bucket lists. Ms. Cheng has spouses jot down their top financial priorities separately, then exchange lists. Mr. Boneparth is a fan of the couples' money quizzes on the app Paired.
Coming to the meeting with the mind-set that you're going to be able to figure this money thing out together is key, according to research published last year in the Journal of Consumer Psychology. The authors noted that 'viewing conflicts as solvable rather than perpetual' mitigates anxiety and increases the likelihood that partners will talk openly about their finances.
Set up for success. Once you move to sharing facts and figures, start with the basics. 'At a minimum, both partners need to know what financial accounts they have, how much is in them, and how to access them,' Ms. Viktorin said. 'They also need a high-level understanding of their financial picture — whether they're generally on track with saving and spending.'
Using joint accounts to pay for everyday expenses and save for non-retirement goals like building an emergency fund makes sharing these details easier, experts say. It also forces partners to be more transparent about their spending.
'There are fewer opportunities to conceal troubling purchases or spending habits when couples are using a joint account,' said Dr. Rick, who has studied the impact of bank account structure on romantic relationships. 'Joint accounts also help partners think as a team.'
Money management apps are another tool couples can use to share information about their spending, saving and investing. Among those advisers recommend: Honeydue, which is a free app specifically designed for couples; Monarch Money ($14.99 a month; $99.99, if paid annually); and Copilot ($13 a month; $95, if paid annually; not available for Android devices).
Sharing details of every single transaction, though, may not be necessary — or even ideal. Dr. Rick also recommended that each spouse also maintain a small no-questions-asked bank account for personal use, which can eliminate the fear of judgment that drives many husbands and wives to hide spending or saving from their partner.
'We don't need complete transparency as much as we need translucency,' he said. 'Everyone is entitled to a little privacy.'
Show your spouse some grace. To help defuse tension when you're reviewing your finances together, avoid blame.
'Do not come in with, 'you did this' or react with 'you spent what?' because it will just shut the conversation down,' Ms. Evans said. 'Talk instead about what worries or excites you, how the money stuff is impacting you and why, so your partner understands where you are coming from.'
That willingness to see your partner's perspective and share your own is key. 'Couples often come into a conversation about money focused on being right,' Ms. Cheng said. 'What's important is to get to the point where they're doing the right thing — together.'