Here's how to be refused service with a smile
Or at least she assumed it was scrummy. Though after watching, aghast, as the fly made a paddling pool out of the cheese and tomato topping, she was loath to have a nibble.
'Don't flick it off,' said Julia's hubby, clearly desperate to block any unnecessary violence at the dinner table.
'It'll make a great topping,' he added persuasively. 'Probably taste like anchovy.'
Geography for beginners
English teacher Kate Russell once marked an essay about classic beatnik novel On the Road by Jack Kerouac.
At a memorable juncture in the script the student mentioned the journey across the vastness of America. Though instead of talking about the West Coast and the East Coast, he said the characters in the book travelled from the "right side" of the country to the "left side".
Kate explained to the student that this wasn't the most accurate of descriptions.
'Wit's the big deal?' countered the defensive scholar. 'Same difference, intit?'
Jobbing actress
Proud dad Ross Bennett was bowled over by his daughter's performance in an amateur play.
'You were great!' enthused Ross to the 12-year-old.
'Don't get carried away,' shrugged the youngster. 'I know I was good, but I want a secure career. I'm thinking mechanical engineering.'
'What's happened to kids?' sighs Ross. 'When I was my daughter's age, I wanted to be an international super-spy.'
Madcap moniker
We mentioned people with wacky names.
Finlay Dixon tells us: 'If I ever have a kid, I'm calling him Andy.'
Nothing unusual about that, our readers may conclude, until Finlay adds: 'I'm spelling it &y.'
Slow learner
On a Glasgow train Kenny Robertson spotted a chap perusing the best-selling political diatribe How to Be an Antiracist by American polemicist Ibram X. Kendi.
A cheeky chappie leaned across to the engrossed reader and said: 'I see you've just started the book. Does that mean you're still a racist?'
Choc-full of goodness
Health-conscious Christine Lawrence was informed by a pal that the more colourful the salad, the better it is for you.
'So,' she says, 'I've replaced croutons with M&Ms.'
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