‘I Am Ready, Warden' Subject on 'Strange Feeling' of Celebrating an Oscar Nom for a Film About a Tragedy (Guest Column)
On Jan. 23rd, I woke up early in the morning, after just two hours of sleep following a night shift, to some life-changing news: I Am Ready, Warden, a documentary about my experience processing my father's murder and ultimately deciding to forgive his killer, was nominated for an Academy Award.
Before long, my phone started ringing off the hook with calls from reporters wanting to know how I felt about going to the Oscars. The truth is, it's a strange feeling to celebrate something that was created out of your own personal tragedy. But everything about my experience participating in the documentary has been unexpected.
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It started with a direct message on social media, where director Smriti Mundhra reached out to me to inform me that she was working on a film about John Henry Ramirez, the man who stabbed my father, Pablo Castro, 29 times in a Corpus Christi convenience store parking lot in 2004. I've received many messages like this before from journalists and filmmakers, and I usually ignore them. I wasn't interested in another propagandistic anti-death penalty project that would sanctify my father's killer while making me look like a bloodthirsty villain for wanting justice.
But something compelled me to talk with Smriti, who would, in a few short months, become one of the most pivotal people in my life.After initially declining Smriti's request to participate in her documentary, months later I ultimately agreed because she took the time to get to know me as a person before delving into my experience of living through my father's murder and its aftermath. I allowed cameras into the most emotionally vulnerable time of my life, as I anticipated the promise of justice through the execution of my father's killer, but ultimately had a change of heart that even I didn't see coming.After filming completed in late 2022, Smriti and I stayed in touch, but I didn't see the finished film until 18 months later. Smriti was with me as I watched, and stayed with me as I processed my feelings about the film in what must have felt like an eternity of silence. I was astonished by what the film captured: deep emotions on my face that I didn't even realize I was experiencing, and moments of silence that spoke volumes. The traumatic events of my life were handled with respect, and years of emotional damage repaired, through the unexpected power of documentary, such as allowing me to hear an apology from my father's killer.How did she achieve this without manipulating through editing, music or effects? She listened and allowed the process to unfold authentically, even within the documentary's short runtime.
Smriti accomplished something I'm still processing: She organized my timeline of events, emotions, pain and thoughts in a way that made them clear and understandable, even to me. When trauma crowds your mind, it becomes impossible to analyze or explain how you feel, especially when asked how an event changed your life. She helped me see that I could be proud of my journey, and that all the years of speaking about my father's murder led me to someone who truly cared and shared our story with respect.
Now when the phone rings and reporters ask how I feel about being part of a film that's nominated for an Oscar, I say with pride that whether you're a film director or a movie star, a convenience store manager like my father was, or a regular person just trying to process their feelings like me, being a part of telling stories that change the world is an honor and a gift. And when you know how fragile time is, and how tomorrow is never guaranteed, you never hesitate to celebrate today.
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