Mom Sparks Debate After Saying Her Kid Should ‘Hit Back Harder' if They Get Hit First

Yahoo

23-07-2025

Experts say our understanding of emotional regulation, conflict resolution, and social consequences have changed–which means our advice should also change.
Should kids hit back if another child struck first?
The question has sparked a debate on TikTok after Brittany Norris, a Louisiana mother of two, shared her controversial take.
'If someone hits my kid, I'm not raising them to go tell the teacher — not raising a snitch,' said Norris in a July TikTok.
'Handle it yourself, hit back, defend yourself, and if that's not enough, I will interfere. If that's controversial, I don't really care...Hit back harder. Thank you.'
The take has received a slew of polarizing opinions, with some users applauding Norris' advice and others raising concerns.
'I was always taught that I can't be the one to throw the first punch, but I damn well better throw the last,' writes one person.
'We use the 'don't start it, but you better finish it' rule,' shares another.
A responder, who isn't on board with the idea states, 'This teaches kids to solve problems with violence instead of seeking help or resolution. It also undermines trust in teachers and makes schools harder to manage.'
At least one teacher agrees, saying, 'As an elementary teacher, this is the mindset of nearly every parent, and so fighting is out of control.'
Why Is the Idea of Hitting Back So Polarizing?
While the idea of hitting back can trigger a swift reaction either way from parents, behavioral experts say the nuance involved deserves more thought.
'The conversation about hitting back is layered because it triggers two important parental instincts: the desire to protect our children and the desire to raise kind and well-adjusted human beings,' Emily Guarnotta, PsyD, PMH-C, psychologist and co-founder of Phoenix Health tells Parents.
Dr. Guarnotta understands the the inclination to tell kids to hit someone who struck them first, because it feels like justice. However, she doesn't advise parents to teach their kids to retaliate.
Other experts agree.
'It's not surprising that the conversation around 'hitting back' becomes layered and even polarizing,' says Zishan Khan, MD, a child, adolescent, and adult psychiatrist and regional medical Director with Mindpath Health. 'Much of this stems from generational beliefs about toughness, survival, and respect, especially in communities where standing up for oneself was framed as a necessary defense against bullying or oppression.'
Dr. Khan notes how many adults remember being told, 'If someone hits you, hit them back, or else you'll be seen as weak.' However, he stresses that times have changed.
'We now understand far more about emotional regulation, conflict resolution, and the social consequences of physical retaliation, particularly in structured environments like schools where rules are often rigidly enforced,' he says.
So, Should You Teach a Child to Hit Back?
Generally, experts advise against teaching a child to retaliate with physical contact.
'While it comes from a protective plane, it teaches children that violence is an acceptable tool for solving conflicts with peers,' Dr. Guarnotta says. 'Hitting back also often escalates the situation and increases the likelihood of someone getting hurt.'
Dr. Khan also mentioned the potential for injury—and missed opportunities.
'We want to equip children with skills that are sustainable in all environments—school, playground, or home—where verbal problem-solving, emotional regulation, and seeking help are far more constructive in the long-term."
Indeed, not hitting back doesn't mean 'accepting harm.'
'Kids need to be taught to stand up for themselves,' says therapist Laura Fink. 'Hitting back is not the only way of doing that. This conversation is really about educating our children on power, boundaries, and self-worth.'
With that said, there are, as with many rules of thumb, some exceptions.
'There are rare situations where hitting back may be necessary, especially when a child is in danger and needs to protect themselves,' says Sanam Hafeez, Psy.D, a neuropsychologist and the director of Comprehend the Mind. 'If a stranger is physically attacking them or trying to take them somewhere against their will, their safety comes first. In those moments, self-defense is not just allowed, it's critical.'
Dr. Hafeez emphasizes that, in such instances, there's no other option but to use physical force.
'This is different from reacting to a peer during a disagreement or playground scuffle,' she says. 'The goal in a dangerous situation is to create enough space to get away and find help, not to win a fight.'
Tips for Helping Children Manage If Another Child Hits First
So, if it's not advisable to teach kids to hit back when someone else hits them, what is? Experts share the following:
Distinguish between tattling and support
Fink specifies, 'Tattling is usually about getting someone in trouble. Asking for help is about getting support or keeping someone safe.'
Dr. Hafeez says using concrete examples can help children understand the difference.
'Try saying, 'If someone pushes you or hits you, that's not tattling, it's getting help when someone crosses a line,'' Dr. Hafeez says. 'Reinforce that asking an adult for help in serious situations is a smart and brave choice, not something to feel bad about.'
Dr. Khan suggests role-playing scenarios with stuffed animals, is useful for demonstrating minor conflicts and actual harm, so kids feel confident when they opt to involve a grown-up.
Teach the power of pause
Hitting is often a knee-jerk reaction. Pausing can help.
'Help your child recognize the 'fight or flight' feelings that come up when they're hurt or angry, like a fast heartbeat or clenched fists, and practice deep breathing or counting to 10 as a way to pause before reacting,' Dr. Khan says. 'This brief pause can prevent an impulsive response that they may regret later.'
Name the feeling
'Peer conflict among kids tends to escalate quickly because children have difficulty naming their emotions,' Dr. Guarnotta notes. 'They might feel the intensity of anger, but struggle to put words to it. Teaching kids about their own emotions can help them name these feelings when they arise, which will also help them respond more effectively.'
Dr. Guarnotta suggests using statements like, "It sounds like you felt angry when he took your toy,' helps kids process emotion.
Use strong, clear words
Societal norms often glorify physical strength. However, Dr. Guarnotta suggests teaching children to use strong voices and language to set boundaries.
'One of the most important tools that we can give our children is [the ability] to use their voice,' Dr. Guarnotta says. 'You can role-play these types of situations at home with statements like 'stop' and 'don't touch me.' Practicing this can help prepare children for applying these skills in real-life situations.'
Walk away
Leaving instead of fighting back doesn't mean a child accepted mistreatment. Instead, it can be a sign of strength and maturity.
'Let children know it's OK to leave a situation that feels wrong or unsafe,' Dr. Hafeez says. 'Walking away isn't weakness—it's using good judgment to stay in control. Praise them when they handle things by stepping back instead of reacting physically. Over time, this helps them feel strong without needing to fight.'
Read the original article on Parents
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