My husband came home from a run and screamed at me because I was using the shower to clean our child, who had thrown up on herself. Then the dog started eating the vomit and the baby woke up. It was Mother's Day! Am I right to be mad? Ask Lisi
Q This past Mother's Day was an absolute s—t show. Part of it was uncontrollable, and part of it was totally avoidable. It started with my oldest child waking up crying and then vomiting all over herself and her bed. That was the uncontrollable part.
My husband had gone for an early morning run with the dog, thinking everyone would still be asleep when he returned. But when he got back, I was running the bath and trying to console my daughter while attempting to strip her bed without getting vomit everywhere.
When he got home and saw that the bath was half-full, instead of asking if I needed help, he became enraged that he couldn't shower. He raised his voice enough that it woke up the baby in a fright, who was then crying for her mama. He tried to pick her up out of her crib, but he was so sweaty she screamed. That was the controllable piece.
ARTICLE CONTINUES BELOW
So now I have a sick child, covered in vomit, who needs a bath; a crying baby who wants her mommy; a bed filled with vomit, a room that smells; and a sweaty, stinky husband pissed off that he can't shower that minute. I tried to remain calm; put my daughter in the bath; nursed the baby and changed her diaper while sitting on the floor of the bathroom consoling my daughter; and calmly asked my husband if he could carefully strip the bed.
He agreed but didn't do a very good job. He's usually good about household chores, so I think he was still annoyed about his shower. But then the dog was licking the vomit that had dripped on the floor and by the time we realized it, he threw up. Fortunately, he made it to his water bowl in the kitchen.
By 9 a.m., I was exhausted and needed a nap. I asked my husband to feed our daughter some toast and take the baby downstairs after he had showered, which he did, but he took an extremely long time, and I was miserable. When I got up an hour later he hadn't planned a single thing for the day. Not brunch, flowers, a card — nothing.
What the actual heck is wrong with everyone? Can a woman not be treated well on one single day of the year?
I'm so upset with him.
MOM — toughest job EVER
A Oh gosh! That does sound like a hellish way to start any morning, especially when you had hoped for a sleep in. I'm not sure why your husband was so aggro regarding his shower. It doesn't sound as though he had a fully planned schedule he needed to meet. It would have been much nicer for him to have helped with the kids without asking, and cleaned up the vomit and made you breakfast.
You deserve to be treated with respect every day, not just on Mother's Day. And yes, though it's a Hallmark holiday it's a good opportunity for everyone to stop and reflect on how much they love, appreciate and are grateful for their moms, their wives for mothering their children, and their children for mothering their grandchildren (if that's what phase of life you're in).
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Appreciation and respect are important every day, but especially on Mother's Day. And the same goes for fathers on Father's Day.
Q I read that you're based in Toronto. I often read your response to a letter where you say, 'in your state.'
Why are you publishing/taking questions from U.S. citizens when you likely have more than enough to publish from Canadian inquiries?
Nationalist
A My columns are syndicated across Canada and the U.S. And anyone can read them online, around the world. I'm happy to answer anyone's question, regardless of location.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman confused about kids (Mar. 7):
Reader 1: 'I felt your response to 'confused about kids' missed a critical point. This woman is considering a lifetime relationship with a man who threatened to 'knock her up' just to piss her off. He sounds very controlling, and this behaviour is a danger to her.
'She should be running in the other direction.'
Reader 2: 'The reader feels conflicted about having children for the simple reason that her partner is being manipulative.'
Reader 3: 'Any man who says he would 'knock her up just to piss her off' is showing extremely disrespectful and frankly dangerous controlling impulses. He may be 'kidding' to elicit a laugh or disarm her, but it's passive aggressive and doesn't indicate the serious consideration the question to have a family deserves. In fact, she should run in the opposite direction.'
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Toronto Star
5 days ago
- Toronto Star
My husband came home from a run and screamed at me because I was using the shower to clean our child, who had thrown up on herself. Then the dog started eating the vomit and the baby woke up. It was Mother's Day! Am I right to be mad? Ask Lisi
Q This past Mother's Day was an absolute s—t show. Part of it was uncontrollable, and part of it was totally avoidable. It started with my oldest child waking up crying and then vomiting all over herself and her bed. That was the uncontrollable part. My husband had gone for an early morning run with the dog, thinking everyone would still be asleep when he returned. But when he got back, I was running the bath and trying to console my daughter while attempting to strip her bed without getting vomit everywhere. When he got home and saw that the bath was half-full, instead of asking if I needed help, he became enraged that he couldn't shower. He raised his voice enough that it woke up the baby in a fright, who was then crying for her mama. He tried to pick her up out of her crib, but he was so sweaty she screamed. That was the controllable piece. ARTICLE CONTINUES BELOW So now I have a sick child, covered in vomit, who needs a bath; a crying baby who wants her mommy; a bed filled with vomit, a room that smells; and a sweaty, stinky husband pissed off that he can't shower that minute. I tried to remain calm; put my daughter in the bath; nursed the baby and changed her diaper while sitting on the floor of the bathroom consoling my daughter; and calmly asked my husband if he could carefully strip the bed. He agreed but didn't do a very good job. He's usually good about household chores, so I think he was still annoyed about his shower. But then the dog was licking the vomit that had dripped on the floor and by the time we realized it, he threw up. Fortunately, he made it to his water bowl in the kitchen. By 9 a.m., I was exhausted and needed a nap. I asked my husband to feed our daughter some toast and take the baby downstairs after he had showered, which he did, but he took an extremely long time, and I was miserable. When I got up an hour later he hadn't planned a single thing for the day. Not brunch, flowers, a card — nothing. What the actual heck is wrong with everyone? Can a woman not be treated well on one single day of the year? I'm so upset with him. MOM — toughest job EVER A Oh gosh! That does sound like a hellish way to start any morning, especially when you had hoped for a sleep in. I'm not sure why your husband was so aggro regarding his shower. It doesn't sound as though he had a fully planned schedule he needed to meet. It would have been much nicer for him to have helped with the kids without asking, and cleaned up the vomit and made you breakfast. You deserve to be treated with respect every day, not just on Mother's Day. And yes, though it's a Hallmark holiday it's a good opportunity for everyone to stop and reflect on how much they love, appreciate and are grateful for their moms, their wives for mothering their children, and their children for mothering their grandchildren (if that's what phase of life you're in). ARTICLE CONTINUES BELOW ARTICLE CONTINUES BELOW Appreciation and respect are important every day, but especially on Mother's Day. And the same goes for fathers on Father's Day. Q I read that you're based in Toronto. I often read your response to a letter where you say, 'in your state.' Why are you publishing/taking questions from U.S. citizens when you likely have more than enough to publish from Canadian inquiries? Nationalist A My columns are syndicated across Canada and the U.S. And anyone can read them online, around the world. I'm happy to answer anyone's question, regardless of location. FEEDBACK Regarding the woman confused about kids (Mar. 7): Reader 1: 'I felt your response to 'confused about kids' missed a critical point. This woman is considering a lifetime relationship with a man who threatened to 'knock her up' just to piss her off. He sounds very controlling, and this behaviour is a danger to her. 'She should be running in the other direction.' Reader 2: 'The reader feels conflicted about having children for the simple reason that her partner is being manipulative.' Reader 3: 'Any man who says he would 'knock her up just to piss her off' is showing extremely disrespectful and frankly dangerous controlling impulses. He may be 'kidding' to elicit a laugh or disarm her, but it's passive aggressive and doesn't indicate the serious consideration the question to have a family deserves. In fact, she should run in the opposite direction.'
Ottawa Citizen
13-05-2025
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Rachlis: A runner's spirit lives on at the Ottawa Marathon
There will be thousands of runners at the starting line of the sold-out Tartan International Marathon on Sunday May 25, part of the Tamarack Ottawa Race Weekend. Article content Article content I give those runners some advice from my friend, the late Linda Rainville-Wagar, a red-headed dynamo who encouraged me and many others in writing and running: 'Think of all the people who can't, won't or don't have this incredible experience. For all those who never have, and all the people who never will, on your own terms, and at your own pace … just GET IT DONE!' Article content Article content Linda's passion was 'helping others cross finish lines.' Unfortunately, life is not a Hallmark movie, and adversity hit her early. When she collapsed from a severe brain aneurysm in October 2009 at the age of 52, her devoted family and friends optimistically hoped for a good recovery. It didn't come about: much of Linda's difficulty in recovering was due to damage to her frontal or pre-frontal cortex, which affects short-term memory and decision-making. Article content She passed away in December, 2024. But in order to allow her many friends and family to travel to Ottawa, the mass and celebration of her life was held in late March, at St. Patrick's Basilica, a chance for all to remember Linda's life in two parts. Article content Linda was a bit of a celebrity back on Oct. 11, 2009, when former running columnist (and now Ottawa mayor) Mark Sutcliffe wrote about her in his Ottawa Citizen column, noting, 'It's no surprise that when it (the aneurysm) happened, Linda Wagar was talking about running. And that she was offering her help.' Article content Article content While she was in hospital, friends contributed messages of hope on squares for a recovery quilt. The quilt was on display with her running medals at the Celebration of Life. Article content She spent her last years in a wheelchair in long-term care at Carleton Lodge, with visits home with family and friends. 'It kept me going and kept us all going, to know people cared,' said her husband, Carl. Article content 'Linda was an inspiration and a truly strong person,' said Edward Shammas, Linda's longtime next-door neighbour in Hunt Club and author of Arab Role Models: Dream, Lead, Inspire. 'I've always admired how dedicated she was to her family, her love for running, and her passion for travelling. She lived life with purpose and made a lasting impact on everyone who knew her.'
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Thousands of Canadians miscarry every year. For them, Mother's Day can be a reminder of loss
For many, Mother's Day is about celebration — a day when the roles are reversed and children are meant to let their mothers know just how much they mean to them. But for the estimated one in 10 mothers who have suffered a miscarriage or lost a child, the day is often one of grief. "There's the moms that get to hold their baby in their arms, and the joy and the messy breakfast in bed, and all that stuff you see on cards and on posters — the symbolic, typical Mother's Day. But for those of us who have had a loss, Mother's Day can be very difficult," says Nancy Slinn, coordinator of the Metro Vancouver Empty Cradle Bereaved Parents Society. Slinn became pregnant the first time she and her husband Peter tried in 1988 and thought it would be easy to have more children. But in the years that followed, they suffered through two miscarriages, a surgery, and then, a stillbirth. "I can still remember every detail of all my losses, especially the day that we lost our stillborn daughter," Slinn says, speaking from her home in New Westminster, B.C. "I still grieve for them. It's a different kind of loss now, all these years later, but it's still there. The pain never really goes away." In Canada, almost 100,000 couples every year lose a child sometime in the period between becoming pregnant and the first six weeks of their baby's life, according to the Centre for Studies and Research on Family Health Intervention. For some mothers, that means suffering one loss in their lifetime, but others, like Slinn, will endure numerous miscarriages or infant deaths. "Losing a baby at any stage and for any reason is one of life's most devastating experiences. Not only have you lost the physical baby, but also all the hopes, dreams and plans you had already begun to create for that child since you knew of their existence," Slinn says. It's one of the most common kinds of loss people experience, says Heather Mohan, a grief counsellor and co-founder of Lumara Bereavement, a non-profit based in Parksville, B.C., about 150 kilometres northwest of Victoria. It's also one of the least talked about. "I think there is a lot of silence because people are not sure how to talk about it, not sure how to approach it." The result is that parents often feel invisible in their grief, Mohan says. "And consequently, when something is invisible, there's not corresponding funding or services to provide supports or programs, because nobody has identified it as an issue or as a problem." On Mother's Day, that sense of invisibility and isolation can feel particularly strong because while these women will always be mothers, not everyone will know or recognize it, Mohan says. And while people's instinct may be to ignore the topic altogether to avoid causing a loved one pain, she says that is likely the opposite of what mothers need. "I can reassure you, you're not bringing up something that they're not already thinking about, particularly on a day like this when mothers are being honoured and celebrated." Slinn says in her experience, the best thing people can do is ask mothers directly how they want the day honoured. "Because some people will say: 'Oh, no, I just want to crawl in bed and stay under the sheets.' And some people will say: 'I'm still a mom, regardless of the fact that my baby lives in my heart, not in my arms.'" Across Canada, bereavement leave is minimal and very few supports exist for parents grieving a child's death. But a private member's bill introduced by Langley-Willowbrook MLA Jody Toor earlier this year in B.C. looks to establish perinatal and postnatal mental health care in the province, including for parents who have experienced a miscarriage or infant death. So far, the bill has received strong support from legislators through a first and second reading of it, but will need to make it through a committee and report stage, as well as a third reading before being passed into law. The next stages have not been scheduled yet.
