Lesbian Spaces Are Disappearing. Where Do Queer Women Find Love?
During LGBTQIA+ History Month, I read a post from Gay's The Word about First Out, an iconic cafe/bar tucked away behind Tottenham Court Road, that I used to go to before it sadly closed down in 2011. It was a great place to catch up with like-minded others, and well, if I'm honest, to meet a potential girlfriend.
Sadly, many lesbian bars and haunts have become part of our history, rather than the future, despite the fact that research suggests almost 10% of the population identify as LGBTQIA+, especially when you look at Gen Z.
Internet dating became the space to meet, with research from the Pew Centre suggesting that since the launch of match.com 30 years ago, a massive 24% of LGBT people met their long-term partner online. But according to recent reports, fake profiles and certainly the feedback from my queer female and non-binary audience, shows people are tired of swiping and liking.
So where do queer women go to find love?
I have been running events for queer women for the last 10 years, and during COVID saw a real desire from queer women to meet up in real life again. It's why I set up Out & Wild, now the UK's biggest festival for lesbian, bi, trans and queer women and those who are non-binary, to attempt to create fun, safe and supportive spaces to extend friendship circles and meet potential dates.
Please don't call me Cilla, but my events have brought lots of couples together. We even had a proposal last year, from a couple that met at the 2023 festival. And I've also had some lovely messages from couples that have connected in London and other regional events I have run over the last 4 years.
When I set up Out & Wild, it became really clear in the research that queer women were not just up to meeting at bars. They were much more interested in connecting with potential partners through shared experiences and common interests.
We do not run speed dating or any other type of 'forced matchmaking' at Out & Wild events or ask you to wear different coloured stickers to show if you are single. We just have lots of focused activities and experiences that bring people together, like wild swimming, hiking, spoken word and interactive workshops. The events encourage participation and conversation and well, the rest flows from there.
Bars will always be popular, and much needed, especially for those that identify as poly or who are looking for more casual relationships.
But if you check out meet up or outsaavy you will see a real growth in experience driven events for queer women, from games nights, campervan nights away, to gong baths, and group dog walks.
I constantly tell LGBTQIA+ work networks that they will never grow their female attendees by solely going to the pub/watching drag queens. And even when we are going to a bar, we really value facilitated 'solo meet ups'.
I am also seeing the rise of lesbian 'speed friending', where you get to move around and do your 5 minute spiel, but without the pressure or stress of knowing if someone wants your number or not. These events simply promote opening conversations and then allow those who are keen to continue chatting afterwards.
I get asked a lot how people can find dates, and my answer is to spread your bets. Go to events that spark your interest as well as bars. There is nothing wrong with dating sites, but try to widen your friendship circles, it's a great way to meet new people. And the biggest one, if you do connect with someone, just bite the bullet and ask for their number, fortune favours the brave.
Polly Shute is a partnership and sponsorship expert, formerly having worked as a Board Member of Pride in London for four years. Now the Co-founder of Out and Wild Festival, Polly is passionate to connect the LGBTQIA+ community and create inclusive events across the country.
Having been named as one of the OUTstanding Top 20 LGBT Public Sector Leaders, Polly is now a popular speaker, activist and influencer on gender and LGBTQIA+. Last year she was shortlisted for a Lifetime Achievement Award at the British LGBT Awards. Polly was honoured with awards such as the 2019 Social Purpose Award, the 2013 Most Innovative Fundraising Campaign award and recognised on both the Pride Power List and DIVA Power List.
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