Biblical formula for choosing spouse offers lessons that modern dating overlooks
The Bible – our great guidebook – has the answer.
In Genesis 24, Abraham sends his servant Eliezer to find a wife for his son Isaac.
His only instruction? Go to Haran, the place where Abraham once "made souls." (See the video at the top of this article.)
It was a culture open to God. That's trait No. 1. Look for a spouse in a good place.
Eliezer arrives and sees Rebecca. She's "very fair to look upon" — that's trait No. 2.
Then he watches her draw water not just for him, but for all his camels — an exhausting and generous act. That's trait No. 3: generosity.
On the basis of these three — and only three — characteristics, Eliezer decides: She's the one.
Rebecca, in turn, is told only two things about Isaac.
"The Torah gives us an instructive sequence: 'Isaac married her. She became his wife. And he loved her.'"
He's wealthy, which means he can provide. And he loves God, which means he has a strong set of values.
She agrees to marry him.
Then the Torah gives us an instructive sequence: "Isaac married her. She became his wife. And he loved her."
As Isaac and Rebecca had the best marriage in the Bible, their formula for marital happiness is worthy of our reflection.
Identify a few essential traits. Get married. Become a spouse through continual acts of giving. Then love will follow and continually grow.
"We don't give to those we love; we love those to whom we give."
The Hebrew language supports this. The root of ahava — love — is hav, meaning "to give."
Those of us who have enjoyed or even just observed long, happy and loving relationships know why: We don't give to those we love; we love those to whom we give.
We don't "fall in love." We cultivate it.
Modern culture says the opposite.
Waiting until age 30 to marry and have children, for example, increases infertility risks, both for women and men, to varying extents.
Casual dating often leads to casual sex, which is so unsatisfying that we are now in what sociologists call a "sexual recession," in which young men prefer video games (particularly new releases) to sex.
Repeated rejection causes long-term emotional wear that the body recognizes as physical pain.
In the model cited earlier, people "test" compatibility for years. A 2016 Barna study found that 84% of couples who live together before marriage do so to check for compatibility.
And yet, according to the Institute for Family Studies, the No. 1 reason for divorce? "Basic incompatibility."
When it comes to advising our children and grandchildren about a happy marriage, the Bible offers the now-proven formula.
Throw out the 100-item checklists.
For more Lifestyle articles, visit foxnews.com/lifestyle
It doesn't matter if the young woman prefers warm-weather vacations over cold-weather vacations.
It doesn't matter if the young man's friends are funny.
If the couple has a foundation for love, which can be found in two or three core characteristics, they might think about getting those church bells ready to ring — as they are set for a wonderful marriage.
Mark Gerson's new book is "God Was Right: How Modern Social Science Proves the Torah Is True," published by BenBella Books and distributed by Simon & Schuster (June 2025). This article is part of a series featured exclusively by Fox News Digital.
Hashtags
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Yahoo
2 hours ago
- Yahoo
15 Reasons People Stay In Bad Marriages Longer Than They Should
Relationships can be tricky, and sometimes you find yourself sticking it out in a marriage that's not quite right. Maybe it's a comfort thing, or perhaps it's more complicated than that. Either way, staying in a bad marriage longer than you should is more common than you might think. Here are 15 reasons why you might find yourself in this situation, even when you know it's time to go. Hopefully, this list will shed some light on what's keeping you there and help you take steps toward a healthier future. 1. They're Afraid Of The Unknown Ending a marriage means stepping into an unpredictable future, which can be scary. You might worry about where you'll live, how your finances will look, or even how to navigate life as a single person. Author and relationship expert Dr. Gary Chapman emphasizes that fear of the unknown is a major roadblock. In his book, he says the uncertainty can be paralyzing, making it easier to stick with the familiar, even if it's not ideal. It's human nature to cling to what we know, even when it's not good for us. But avoiding change doesn't make the problems go away. You're likely aware that the longer you stay, the more entrenched in unhappiness you become. It's a bit like living in a house that needs repairs; ignoring the issues doesn't make them disappear. Over time, these problems often get worse, affecting your mental and emotional health. Accepting that change is part of life can be liberating, even if it's initially daunting. 2. They're Financially Dependent Money is often a significant factor in why people stay in unhappy marriages. If your partner is the primary breadwinner, you might worry about how you'll support yourself if you leave. Maybe you've been out of the workforce for a while, and the thought of re-entering the job market is overwhelming. Questions about affording rent, car payments, or even groceries can make the idea of leaving feel impossible. Financial stability, or the lack thereof, can be a powerful deterrent to making a fresh start. But financial dependence doesn't mean you're stuck forever. There are resources out there to help, from job training programs to financial advisors who specialize in helping people in your situation. It's worth taking the time to explore these options and see what's available. Sometimes, the fear of financial instability is bigger in your mind than in reality. Taking concrete steps toward financial independence can make leaving feel more feasible. 3. Their Children Are Involved When kids are in the picture, the decision to leave becomes even more complicated. You worry about how a breakup will affect them, fearing they might feel responsible or get caught in the middle. Researcher Judith Wallerstein found that children often suffer long-term effects from their parents' conflicts, making parents hesitant to split. You might think staying together will provide them with stability, even if it's not the happiest home. But kids are usually more perceptive than we give them credit for and can pick up on tension. Staying in a bad marriage for the kids might not be doing them any favors. A household filled with constant conflict can be just as damaging as a divorce, if not more. Kids need a healthy environment to thrive, and sometimes that means having parents who live apart. By modeling a relationship based on respect and happiness, even if it's separate, you set a better example for them. Ultimately, prioritizing a healthy family dynamic, even if it looks different than expected, can be more beneficial in the long run. 4. There's Social Pressure The stigma around divorce can be a significant barrier to leaving an unhappy marriage. Society often places a premium on staying together, and the fear of judgment from friends, family, or community can be powerful. You might worry about being perceived as a failure or as someone who didn't try hard enough. Sometimes, the thought of facing social events alone, or worse, explaining your situation repeatedly, is daunting. This can make you feel trapped in a situation that doesn't serve you. Social pressure can weigh heavily on your decisions, but it's important to remember that you're living your life, not anyone else's. People tend to have opinions, but at the end of the day, they go back to their own lives. You are the one who has to live with the choices you make. Prioritizing your well-being over others' opinions is crucial. Over time, those who truly care about you will understand and support your decision. 5. They Hope It'll Change Hope can be a double-edged sword when it comes to staying in a bad marriage. You might hold onto the idea that things will improve, especially if your partner promises to change. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes that while hope is important, repeated patterns of behavior are hard to change. It's easy to get caught in a cycle of waiting for things to get better, even if the evidence says otherwise. Unfortunately, this can lead to years spent in a situation that's unlikely to change. While it's understandable to want to believe in your partner and the future of your relationship, it's also crucial to be realistic. Accepting that some things are unlikely to change can be difficult, but it's a necessary step. Instead of waiting for a breakthrough that might never come, consider what you need for your happiness. Sometimes, the hope that things will improve can keep you stuck in a loop. It's vital to assess the situation honestly and decide when enough is enough. 6. They Have Low Self-Esteem Low self-esteem can significantly influence your decision to stay in an unhappy marriage. When you don't believe you're worthy of more, it's easy to settle for less. You might convince yourself that this is as good as it gets or that you don't deserve better. This mindset can keep you stuck, feeling like you have no other options. It's a painful place to be and can make leaving seem impossible. But it's important to recognize that self-worth isn't static; it can be built up over time. Working on self-esteem through therapy, self-help books, or support groups can be empowering. As you start to value yourself more, you may begin to see new possibilities. Confidence can open doors and help you make choices that align with your well-being. Remember, you deserve to be happy, and you have the power to change your situation. 7. Their Religious Beliefs Religious convictions can be a compelling reason to stay in a marriage, even when it's unhealthy. Many faiths place a strong emphasis on the sanctity of marriage, making the idea of divorce feel like a betrayal. Dr. Scott Stanley, a marriage researcher, highlights how deeply ingrained beliefs can significantly impact relationship choices. If your community or spiritual beliefs condemn divorce, you might feel trapped by an obligation to stay. The weight of these expectations can make prioritizing your happiness feel selfish. However, it's essential to balance your beliefs with your well-being. Many religious communities offer support for those in troubled marriages, and talking to a trusted spiritual advisor may provide clarity. Sometimes, interpretations can vary, and understanding your options within the framework of your faith can be eye-opening. It's vital to consider what your beliefs say about self-care and mental health. Ultimately, your spiritual journey should uplift you, not keep you in a place of unhappiness. 8. They Fear Being Alone The thought of being single can be intimidating, especially if you've been married for a long time. The idea of starting over, attending social events solo, or navigating the dating world can feel overwhelming. You might worry that being alone means you'll be lonely or that you'll never find another partner. These fears can make staying in a bad marriage seem like the safer option. After all, better the devil you know than the one you don't, right? But there's a difference between being alone and being lonely. Being single provides an opportunity to rediscover yourself and pursue interests that may have been neglected. It can also offer a chance to build a life that reflects who you are now, not who you were when you got married. Embracing solitude can be empowering, allowing you to focus on personal growth and self-discovery. In time, you might find that being alone is not as scary as it seems. 9. They're Emotionally Attached Emotional ties can complicate the decision to leave a marriage, even when it's unhealthy. You might have shared years of history, milestones, and experiences that make the thought of leaving painful. Emotions can cloud judgment, making it hard to distinguish between love and attachment. Sometimes, emotional bonds hold us back, even when our logical mind says it's time to move on. This attachment can make the prospect of leaving seem insurmountable. But emotional attachment shouldn't be the sole reason to stay in a relationship. It's important to evaluate whether these feelings are based on genuine love or simply familiarity. Sometimes, taking a step back and considering your emotional needs can provide clarity. By focusing on what truly makes you happy, you can start to disentangle yourself from unhealthy attachments. Remember, a healthy relationship should support your emotional well-being, not hinder it. 10. They Feel Guilt And Responsibility Feeling responsible for your partner's happiness can make leaving a bad marriage difficult. You might worry that without you, your partner will struggle or be unhappy. Guilt can weigh heavily, leading you to stay out of a sense of duty rather than desire. This sense of responsibility can become a burden, keeping you in a relationship out of obligation. But it's crucial to remember that you are not responsible for someone else's happiness. Understanding that each person is responsible for their own well-being can be freeing. You deserve to be in a relationship based on mutual happiness, not guilt. Letting go of this responsibility can allow you to make choices that prioritize your needs. It's not selfish to seek a life that fulfills you; it's necessary. In the long run, both you and your partner will benefit from a relationship rooted in desire, not obligation. 11. They Lack Support Having a support system can make all the difference when contemplating leaving a marriage. Without friends or family to lean on, the prospect of leaving can feel daunting. You might worry about where you'll turn for emotional support or practical help. This lack of backup can make the idea of leaving seem impossible. It's hard to take such a big step when you feel like you're doing it alone. But support can come from unexpected places, and it's worth seeking out. Joining a support group or seeing a therapist can provide the encouragement you need. Sometimes, opening up to trusted friends or family can yield surprising results. Building a support network can give you the strength to make difficult decisions. Remember, you don't have to go through it alone, and reaching out for help is a sign of strength. 12. They Invested A Lot Of Time After spending years in a relationship, the thought of walking away can feel like throwing away all that time and effort. You might think about the memories you've made and the life you've built together. This sense of investment can be a powerful motivator to stay, even if the relationship isn't fulfilling. It's easy to get caught up in the idea that you've put in too much to leave now. But staying just because of time invested doesn't guarantee future happiness. It's important to consider the value of your present and future happiness over past investments. Every day spent in a bad marriage is a day you could be spending building a more fulfilling life. It's never too late to choose happiness and well-being over routine and familiarity. Embracing change can bring new opportunities and experiences that were previously out of reach. Remember, your time is valuable, and how you spend it matters. 13. They Have A Lack Of Options Sometimes, it feels like there are no viable options for leaving the marriage. You might be in a situation where logistics, like housing or financial resources, seem insurmountable. The thought of uprooting your life without a clear plan can be terrifying. This perceived lack of options can keep you stuck in an unhealthy relationship. It's easy to feel trapped when you can't see a way out. But it's important to remember that options often exist, even if they're not immediately apparent. Exploring resources such as community programs, legal aid, or counseling can reveal paths you hadn't considered. Sometimes, brainstorming with a trusted friend or advisor can help generate solutions. Taking small steps toward independence can open doors you didn't realize were there. Recognizing that you have choices can be the first step toward change. 14. They're Settling For Less Over time, it can be easy to lower your expectations and accept less than you deserve. You might convince yourself that an okay marriage is good enough. This mindset can keep you in a situation that doesn't truly fulfill you. Settling for less becomes a habit, and you may stop imagining a life that could be more. This acceptance of mediocrity can be a significant barrier to leaving. But you deserve a relationship that meets your needs and makes you happy. Raising your expectations can be a catalyst for change, pushing you to seek more fulfilling experiences. It's important to remember that wanting more doesn't make you ungrateful or demanding. You have the right to pursue a life that reflects your values and aspirations. Embracing this mindset can be empowering, leading to positive changes. 15. Their Loyalty Is Misplaced Loyalty can be a beautiful trait, but in the context of a bad marriage, it can become a shackle. You might feel a strong sense of loyalty to your partner, even if the relationship isn't working. This sense of obligation can make you feel like you owe it to them to stay. But misplaced loyalty can keep you stuck in an unhealthy situation. It's important to evaluate whether this loyalty is serving you or holding you back. Recognizing that loyalty should be reciprocal can change your perspective. A relationship should be a partnership where both individuals feel valued and respected. If loyalty is one-sided, it's worth considering whether it's time to prioritize your own needs. Building a life based on mutual respect and happiness is possible, but it might require difficult choices. Remember that loyalty to yourself is just as important, if not more so. Solve the daily Crossword
Black America Web
17 hours ago
- Black America Web
Cynthia Bailey, Toya Johnson, Shay Johnson: Fibroid Nightmares & Hope
Source: John Lamparski / Getty 'I almost lost my life,' admitted Love & Hip Hop: Miami alum Shay Johnson, recalling how heavy bleeding went unchecked for months. ' I thought I was just stressed, working too much. I was drinking, not eating right, and ignoring my body. Then I collapsed. Doctors found fibroids the size of grapefruits, and I needed a blood transfusion.' Now Johnson says she's cut back on alcohol, overhauled her diet, and prioritizes sleep. 'I can't keep living like I'm invincible. I've got a daughter now. My career's growing — I have to be here for her, and that starts with me taking care of me.' Her path to motherhood was paved with pain and heartbreak. After undergoing a myomectomy – the surgical removal of fibroids – she revealed: We care about your data. See our privacy policy. 'They didn't tell me I could never conceive vaginally because of the surgery —I cried on social media because I wanted that womanly experience. But I got my beautiful baby—and I want one more.' Transforming her struggle into purpose, Shay now champions women's health through her own wellness brand, The Healthy Hand , Fibroids affect 26 million American women, disproportionately impacting Black women. The Fibroid Fighters Foundation, created by Dr. Yan Katsnelson, works to end the epidemic of unnecessary hysterectomies and educate women about minimally invasive treatments like UFE. Every ten minutes in the U.S., twelve hysterectomies are performed—and shockingly, nine of them are unnecessary. READ MORE STORIES: Cynthia Bailey, Toya Johnson, Shay Johnson: Fibroid Nightmares & Hope Jagged Edge Unveils 11th Album Trilogy and Line Dance Remix MFT: Jane Handcock Remembers First Marriage Her Music Saved Reality stars Cynthia Bailey, Toya Johnson and Shay Johnson joined an awareness event in New York at the Fibroid Fighters Foundation's Your Health in Full Bloom event—a gathering created to amplify stories like theirs and introduce women, especially Black women, to treatments beyond hysterectomy. Their efforts are part of a broader push to destigmatize fibroids and ensure women know all their options—not just the most invasive ones 'I found out about fibroids when I was pregnant with my daughter, Noelle,' Cynthia Bailey recalled. 'They just kept growing and growing. I had super heavy periods, bloating—I was always on the celebrity baby bump list for a child I wasn't pregnant with. I had a bunch of fibroid babies inside of me, and lipo can't help that.' Bailey eventually underwent UFE, a procedure that shrinks fibroids without surgery. 'Please make sure you always ask for UFE first,' she urged. 'A hysterectomy should always be the last resort.' Beyond advocating for women's health, Bailey is stepping into powerful new roles. Fresh off season 16 of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, she's filming a short drama titled Diamond where she plays a mother battling heroin addiction—her most challenging acting role yet. 'I wanted to do something where I completely lose myself in a character,' she said. And yes, even queens have bad habits 'I don't drink enough water, I'm a late-night eater, and I have tons of supplements I don't take as regularly as I should,' she admitted with a laugh. RELATED STORIES: 'No One Should Have to Go Through This': Venus Williams On Fibroids & Fighting To Be Heard Sis, It's Not Too Late: The Rise Of Black Motherhood After 40 Inside Her Story: How To Identify And Prevent Fibroids Toya Johnson: 'If You Want That Flat Stomach, Get UFE' Toya Johnson knows the pain fibroids bring. 'I had them twice. I got a myomectomy and later did UFE. My stomach would bloat like I was four months pregnant—and liposuction doesn't fix that,' she explained. Johnson uses her platform to educate women who, like her, once didn't know what was happening to their bodies. 'Walk, work out, stay active—but most importantly, take care of yourself. If you have fibroids, get that UFE if you can.' As for what's next? 'I have a new book coming out called ' Forties Kicking My Ass ,'' she revealed. 'When you hit 40, life changes—your vision changes, your energy changes. But it's all about growth, opening up, and being vulnerable.' The reality star, now married, shared her secret to a happy relationship: 'Date the person you're with. Be friends. Communicate. A person can't read your mind—you have to walk communication, not just talk it.' Her 'bad habit'? 'Always wanting to be right. We're not always right, but who wants to hear that?' she joked. Source: John Lamparski / Getty Shay Johnson: From Pain to Purpose 'I never even heard of fibroids until I had them,' said Shay Johnson, who has become one of the loudest voices in fibroid awareness. 'That's ridiculous. This should have been talked about in our families, our communities, on social media. Women deserve to know their options.' Johnson's first surgery, a myomectomy, allowed her to conceive her daughter—but left her devastated when she learned she could never give birth vaginally. Now single and focused on her wellness brand, The Healthy Hand, Johnson is filming new episodes of Love & Hip Hop and raising her daughter to be a boss. 'She just launched her own elderberry gummy line—I want to teach her business ethics young so she can take over when I'm gone.' Johnson confessed to a strange quirk: 'Because I'm anemic, I brush my teeth ten times a day with baking soda. It's horrible, but I can't stop!' Cara Maria Sorbello: Fighting Fibroids and Winning Challenges MTV's The Challenge champion Cara Maria Sorbello faced her own fibroid nightmare—one the size of a grapefruit. 'When I found out it was 16 centimeters, I thought surgery was my only option. I didn't have insurance, I didn't know where to turn. They even wanted to put me on a menopause-inducing hormone, Lupron. I was terrified.' Then Fibroid Fighters stepped in. 'They answered every question, didn't rush me, and gave me hope—even about having kids someday,' she said. After undergoing UFE, she was back in the gym within a week. 'With surgery, you have to have a C-section. With embolization, you can give birth naturally. The recovery is night and day.' Sorbello is now competing on The Challenge: Vets vs. New Threats and hinted at a new Fox project premiering this fall. But she admits to one bad habit: 'I'm highly addicted to sugar. Fudge brownies are my crack,' she laughed. Dr. Yan Katsnelson's vision for Fibroid Fighters combines cutting-edge medical technology with patient-centered care. He aims to educate women on non-surgical options and reduce the link between fibroids and more serious health risks, including infertility and cardiovascular disease. With his foundation, he seeks to empower women to make informed decisions, improve outcomes, and prevent unnecessary hysterectomies. The evening concluded with an intimate concert featuring Tweet and fellow R&B powerhouse LaTocha of Xscape, leaving attendees inspired by both music and advocacy. As Dr. Katsnelson reminded the crowd, 'Knowledge is power, and awareness is the first step toward better health for every woman.' You can check out the whole conversation with Shay, Cynthia, Toya and Cara Maria in the video below Source: Jazmyn Summers / Jazmyn Summers Article by Jazmyn Summers. You can hear Jazmyn every morning on 'Jazmyn in the Morning 'on Sirius XM Channel 362 Grown Folk Jamz . Subscribe to J azmyn Summers' YouTube . Follow her on Facebook and Instagram. LIKE US ON FACEBOOK . FOLLOW US ON INSTAGRAM & TWITTER . SUBSCRIBE TO OUR YOUTUBE . STAY INFORMED! CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP FOR OUR NEWSLETTER! HEAD TO THE HOMEPAGE SEE ALSO
Yahoo
20 hours ago
- Yahoo
I wanted to hyphenate my last names once married. I realized it'd be incredibly offensive.
I always wanted to hyphenate my name when I got married. It turns out that my initials make hyphenating impossible. I still have to be strategic about how I style my name in public. My maiden name is Khorey. Last year, I married a man whose last name is Khanna. A few weeks after the wedding, I was chatting about it with a couple of women from my team at work. "What about your name?" One asked. She was about to get married herself, and these questions were top of mind. "Are you going to hyphenate or what?" "Well, my full first name is actually Katherine with a K," I said, trying to keep it subdued. "So I don't think that would be a good idea." It took a second, and then they got it. My initials would be KK-K. I always planned to hyphenate when I got married Years ago, when this question was hypothetical, hyphenating my name once I was married seemed like the right and only choice. I wanted to keep my last name. Khorey is a spelling unique to my family, and I felt the need to help carry it forward. Khorey represented a lot of family history. It also belonged to me. My grandparents on the Khorey side had married across immigrant groups at a time and place where that was uncommon. Growing up, I often felt my grandmother's Slovak culture got lost in the Syrian family shuffle, to say nothing of my mother's family from a completely different part of the world. Keeping Khorey seemed like a way to keep every person and place I'd come from, and myself as well. At the same time, there was no question that I wanted to adopt my future husband's name as well. That name would represent his history and identity: getting married would merge that with mine. Adopting his name would seal that, signal it to the world, and ensure we always kept him as well. I thought hyphenating would be the best solution. Even if my name and initials turned out to be a little unwieldy, as I wouldn't give up my middle name either, I could accept that tradeoff. Then I grew up and fell in love with someone whose last name also began with "K". At least it's been nice to keep my monogram. Sometimes I have to be strategic with my signature Cassie has been my nickname since birth. Thanks to my parents' preference, it's always been spelled with a "C". By adopting it professionally early in my career, I saved myself a lot of trouble. Now I can freely use the LinkedIn interface to display "Cassie Khanna (Khorey)" on my profile, keeping the recognition I've built as Khorey while making my name change clear and not evoking a founding hate group. I can do the same on my résumé and in other settings where I'm Cassie first. Sometimes, I can't avoid it. I now feel the need to say, "Wow, that's unfortunate," to whoever has to read off my first, maiden, and married names to prove my ID at Walgreens. It's OK, though. People know I didn't do it on purpose. I'm happy with the name I chose I had to make a choice when I got married, and I did. Legally, I changed my name to my husband's, because that was what I wanted to do. It doesn't diminish me; it adds to both of us, just like it added to the women in my family before me, who are not lost now and truly never were. Together, we are a mashup of cultures, races, and religions, almost none of which, incidentally, would be KKK-approved. It's us. It's all of us, with our families, histories, and identities combined. That's what Khanna means today. It will always mean Khorey, too. And that's enough. Read the original article on Business Insider Solve the daily Crossword
