The case for snooping on your kid's phone

Mint

3 days ago

Your child's phone is a portal into their world: friendship drama, romantic relationships and school worries all play out on their social-media accounts and in their text messages.
It's also how kids can be exposed to a world of danger. While you can set up parental controls and monitoring services, nothing is more effective than simply looking at the phone itself. But should you?
Some parents feel phone snooping amounts to a breach of privacy. Others argue that as long as they're paying for their kid's phone, it's theirs to look through. As with most things, I feel the best approach is somewhere in the middle—and that the younger or less mature the child, the less privacy they should expect.
'A fourth-grader should have a different level of privacy than a 17-year-old. You want to cultivate an increasing level of privacy as they get older," says Devorah Heitner, who has a doctorate in media, technology and society and wrote the book 'Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World."
Regardless of age or maturity, there's one nonnegotiable: All parents should know the passcode to their child's phone. It's a necessity in the event of an emergency or tragedy. I interviewed multiple families recently whose teens ended their lives after being targeted in sextortion schemes. The parents said they likely never would have understood what happened if they hadn't been able to get into their kids' phones.
If you do conduct regular phone checks, be transparent about it. I tell my kids I will occasionally glance at their phones because I can't look out for their safety and provide guidance if I don't know what I'm dealing with. It's also important to emphasize that you're not trying to catch them doing something wrong—rather, you're trying to help them avoid and solve problems.
The ideal time to start conducting periodic checks is when they get their first phone. That way you can start talking about what kinds of social-media accounts are good to follow and the best way to respond to texts. If you have older teens and have never checked their phones before, it's not too late. You can explain that there are new and growing online threats every day that require your vigilance.
Don't rest easy about phone behavior just because your child seems happy and well behaved in the real world. 'We know the frontal lobe is underdeveloped until age 25. You can have the most trustworthy child and they're still going to be impulsive at times," says Nicole Rawson, founder of the Screen Time Clinic, an organization of digital-wellness coaches.
Social-media apps. Check what your kids are posting, who they're following, who's following them and who they're communicating with in direct-messaging chats. Take a look at their TikTok and YouTube feeds to see what the algorithms are showing them. A constant loop of dieting or political extremism videos, for example, could mean they're going down potentially dangerous rabbit holes.
Texts. Messaging apps such as WhatsApp or Apple's Messages are another place to monitor, especially if you suspect there's any bullying happening or communication with people you don't know. Many videogames kids play on their phones, including Roblox, also have in-app messaging systems that are worth checking.
Call logs. You can look at their call and FaceTime history to see who they're talking to and for how long. If they're perpetually tired in the morning, it might be because they're staying up for late-night conversations (I advise parents to keep devices out of their kids' bedrooms at night).
Chatbots: Parents should be aware of which AI chatbots their kids are using, and for what. Are they just asking for homework help, or are they developing what looks like a friendship with the bot? Is the conversation veering in a direction you don't like?
Photos. Peruse the camera roll to make sure they aren't taking or saving any inappropriate photos or videos. It's worth glancing at the 'recently deleted" folder in the photos app, too.
Location-sharing. You can check Snapchat, Life360 or Apple's Messages or Find My apps to see if your kids are sharing their location with anyone you don't want to have that information.
How often to check your child's phone should be dictated by your child's specific circumstances. If numerous checks of social media have yielded no concerns, you can peek in less often, or focus your attention on other features where there may be red flags.
If your child is struggling with mental-health issues, regularly engages in risky behavior, has been bullied or engaged in bullying, more frequent and thorough checks might be warranted.
It's better to check at random so the kids don't delete things first. But before you unlock their phones, it's helpful to ask your kids if there's anything they'd be embarrassed for you to see. That gives them an opportunity to own up to possible errors in judgment.
I've checked my kids' phones in front of them, and in private. When there has been a specific concern over a conversation, I have offered guidance on how to respond. Or if I'm doing a quick check to make sure there aren't any forbidden apps installed, I'll just glance at the phone while they're there. But it can feel cringey for a teen to sit and observe a deeper dive, so I would suggest reserving that for another time.
You probably don't need to keep checking your kids' phones until they move out of your house. Once you have evidence that your kids are making good choices most of the time and acting responsibly with their phones, you can step back.
Heitner and Rawson both caution against checking kids' phones just out of curiosity. 'You don't want to become neurotic about it," Rawson says.
Write to Julie Jargon at [e-mail]