The price of love - the doctor who has South Africa talking about financial abuse

Yahoo

27-04-2025

A young female South African doctor has sparked a nationwide conversation about a form of domestic abuse often shrouded in silence - financial abuse.
In a series of viral videos Dr Celiwe Ndaba opened up about how she said she had been financially exploited by her husband, how it had spiralled and led to their separation.
Often sitting in her car on her way to work, the mother of three vlogged over two weeks about how despite her successful career she had become trapped in a toxic marriage for years, feeling manipulated to fund her husband's lifestyle - in particular his desire to drive a Mercedes Benz.
Taking out loans for him to buy such vehicles was the "worst decision" of her life, putting the family under huge financial pressure, said Dr Ndaba - who since sharing her story has reverted to using her maiden name and the number of her followers has ballooned.
Despite pleas for her husband to downgrade, she said he refused - accusing her of wanting to "turn him into a laughing stock by making him drive a small car".
The medic said she was speaking out as she wanted to issue a warning to others - that it was not only "uneducated" and "less fortunate" women who find themselves in abusive relationships.
Her estranged husband, Temitope Dada, has not responded to a BBC request for comment.
In the wake of the social media storm, he set up a TikTok account, where in one of his first videos he acknowledged: "You may know me as… 'Mr Benz or nothing.'"
The few posts he has made are accompanied by hashtags such as #divorcetrauma - saying the accusations are lies.
Nonetheless, the comments section on Dr Ndaba's TikTok and other social media platforms have transformed into support groups, filled with female breadwinners sharing eerily similar stories.
"You are brave to speak out so publicly… I have been suffering in silence," one person commented.
Bertus Preller, a lawyer based in Cape Town, believes this is because although South African women are becoming doctors, lawyers and entrepreneurs, getting well-paid jobs does not necessarily free them from the clutches of the patriarchy.
Women's financial independence clashes with "cultural norms that prioritise male authority", he says.
If anything, their success appears to make them targets.
Financial abuse occurs when one partner dominates or exploits the other's financial resources, the lawyer explains.
"It is a subtle yet potent tactic of domestic violence, aimed at keeping the victim under control," he says.
In South Africa, this is legally classified as economic abuse under the Domestic Violence Act.
Mr Preller says things like "unjustly withholding money for essentials or interfering with shared assets," are covered by the act.
A university lecturer, who requested anonymity, told the BBC how her husband had lied about his qualifications and eventually left her in financial ruin.
It started with her car that he mostly drove but never refuelled. Then loans she took out for his multiple failed business ventures. Finally, there came an eviction notice as she said he had stopped contributing towards rent, leaving her to shoulder all the expenses for their family, which included three children.
Despite this, they stayed together for close to a decade - even though he was also physically abusive.
"He's very smart... I was in love with his smartness, his big dreams. But he couldn't follow them up with actions. His pride was his downfall," she said.
Even when he managed to get some money, he still did not contribute.
"He started withholding whatever money he had for himself. He'd go out drinking with his friends, come back - the salary is gone," she said.
Legal financial expert Somila Gogoba says that beyond the control of money, financial abuse often has deep psychological roots.
"For the abuser, this behaviour may stem from feelings of inadequacy, fear of abandonment, or the need for dominance," she told the BBC.
"For the victim, the psychological impact includes feelings of worthlessness, fear, and dependence, which can be paralysing."
Research from the University of South Africa suggests these are not isolated cases – and that women who out-earn their partners face significantly higher risks of intimate partner violence.
Out of their in-depth study of 10 women who were the primary breadwinners of their families, only two were married.
"For eight of the participants, their choice of being single resulted from their experiences of physical, emotional and sexual violence… All the women said they believed that their role as female breadwinners was viewed as threatening to the traditional male role of a provider," said researcher Bianca Parry.
Ms Gogoba says female breadwinners are less valued than their male counterparts, despite their economic contributions: "This cultural backdrop can encourage some partners to feel entitled to control the finances, even when they do not contribute equally.
"This control is not just about money - it is also about power and maintaining a grip on the relationship dynamics."
Nombulelo Shange, sociologist lecturer at the University of the Free State, says it is part of a growing pattern in South Africa of middle-class women being financially exploited.
"Black women face a double patriarchy: Western expectations at work, traditional expectations at home. When these collide, harmful ideologies escalate," she told the BBC.
She explained that balancing the pressures of being a successful woman, but playing the role of "the caregiver, the mother, the good wife, the good neighbour and community member who goes to church every Sunday", was difficult as women were always taught to tiptoe around men's egos.
Since Dr Ndaba's revelations, women on social media have shared stories of giving their male partners their debit or credit cards when they go out to eat so it appears as though he is paying for the meal.
For Ms Shange this shows how the burden of a happy home is often placed on the woman's shoulders.
"You think: 'If I just get them a car, they'll be happy.' Love makes you blind. When your person struggles, you struggle too - you want to fix it," she said.
By the time the university lecturer divorced her husband, she was left with debts of 140,000 rand ($7,500; £5,600) - all racked up in her name.
"Before, I could plan things like holidays. Now they are a luxury," she said.
Dr Ndaba has been at pains to tell her followers, as she did on one vlog: "Finance is an important aspect of people's marriages."
The lecturer could not agree more, urging young women to take their time when getting to know their partners and have open, honest conversations.
"Talk about the finances, talk about your background, talk about emotions and character."
Ms Gogoba urged more people to protect themselves from their partner, telling them to keep a separate bank account, keep their pins secure and monitor their credit cards.
They all agreed that women should understand that love should not come with an unsustainable price tag.
Oscar Pistorius release: A reminder of South Africa's femicide problem
Will I be next? South Africa women ask
Do men hold the key to fighting rape in South Africa? Published 30 September 2011
Go to BBCAfrica.com for more news from the African continent.
Follow us on Twitter @BBCAfrica, on Facebook at BBC Africa or on Instagram at bbcafrica
Africa Daily
Focus on Africa