Couples Reveal Their 'Aha' Moments In Couples Counseling
Couples therapy can be intense and uncomfortable at first: Inevitably, there are awkward pauses. There are revelations that are hurtful to hear and bursts of anger. And all of this while a third party listens.
But eventually you and your partner get into the swing of things at your therapist's office ― or the Zoom square you're sharing, if it's teletherapy.
Even better, you start to learn fundamental things about your relationship and the way you and your partner engage with one another: Maybe you learn about attachment styles and realize that you're anxiously attached while your partner is avoidant, which has caused a lot of misunderstanding and strife in your relationship. Or perhaps you learn to ask 'Do you want comfort or solutions?' when discussing something that bothers one of you.
'Aha' moments and lessons like that can be game changers in relationships. Below, married couples who've attended marriage therapy share their 'aha moment' and talk about how it changed their relationship for the better. (Their responses have been edited lightly for clarity and length.)
'My husband and I have been married for seven years and became first-time parents during the thick of the pandemic. No visitors were permitted in the hospital, and family couldn't visit as they sought vaccinations. So when couples with new babies usually have their village to support them, it was just the two of us. Becoming new parents is one of the most stressful events in the best relationship. The isolation of parenting during COVID magnified the stress. As I fell more in love with my baby, my marriage was slowly crumbling. Our sweet baby wasn't the only one crying and screaming; we joined her voice in our home, fighting each other. Our conflict resolution differences under stress and sleep deprivation became magnified. We were wired to address conflict in very different ways in our lives.
'We sought help in facing this crisis. The biggest thing we learned in therapy, and continue to work on daily, is how we fight. Learning how to communicate in ways that are not tearing each other down is essential. Even more critical, we learned the consequences to our relationship of continuing to fight. 'Pause before we react' is a tool our therapist taught us, and we continually work on it. We are more mindful of the results of attacking back. Of course, that doesn't help our relationship or daughter. Pausing helps us remember that by responding when we are triggered, we are almost guaranteeing an end to our relationship.' ―Vanessa Watson-Hill, a psychotherapist in New Jersey
'Monotony used to be a challenge for my husband, Daniel, and I. We've been together for 14 years. We'd get into emotional routines, and the boredom would make us shut each other out of our internal worlds. Therapy helped us understand that no matter how much we think we know about one another, there is always more to discover. Always. We're comrades, but we're also beautiful strangers. At any given moment, there are things going on in my husband's head that I can't see, which I find endlessly thrilling. And whenever I try to mine those things, I discover things about myself I haven't conceptualized before. It's an exhilarating give-and-take that not only saves us from boredom but also makes both of us feel seen.
'Since we learned that, even arguments have become more fulfilling. It's allowed us to let go of expectations about how a relationship should work, which makes us more accepting of our shortcomings. We are gentler with each other and more invested. I can't tell you how gratifying it is to feel that my partner cares enough to look for the mysteries in me. It makes me feel desired. It creates a beautiful reciprocity.' ―Micah Unice, a medical administrator in Salt Lake City, Utah
'My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have been going to marriage counseling for over six years. We started attending not because there was a crisis but because we ― well, I ― wanted us to be able to communicate in a way that reduced the tension I felt in the relationship and made everything feel easier.
'One of the most helpful pieces of structure that we've introduced into our lives because of therapy is a Saturday morning, 30-minute conversation in which we review the last week and look forward to the next week. We have two small children and a house and lives of our own, so life can get busy.
'Figuring it out ahead of time has made our lives easier. And especially because I tend to be the planner (which I literally am by profession) and my husband the 'go along to get along' type (a wonderful type to have, by the way, during the COVID quarantine), this structure really lowers my stress about keeping the household running without me needing to maintain an iron grip on it.
'The single most important question we've learned to ask is, 'What do you need?' Let's say my husband is angry ― about what is less important. He's venting. I instinctively start to spin all sorts of (usually totally wrong) tales in my own head about how he's feeling or what he's thinking. It creates an uncomfortable atmosphere that I really wish would go away.
'If I simply ask him, 'What do you need right now?' then it usually leads quickly to him stating out loud what he needs and what, if anything, I can do for him. No more catastrophizing or guessing on my part. He feels cared for. And sometimes (!!) there's even something I can do to make his life better.' ―Meg Bartelt, a financial planner in Bellingham, Washington
'My husband, Josh, and I have been married for 13 years. We began going to therapy when our oldest was 3 and our twins were under a year old. My parents actually saw some signs of fracture in our relationship. Having gone through a rocky season with infant twins and a toddler early in their marriage (I have twin brothers three years younger than me), they offered to pay for therapy and watch our kids.
'The biggest revelation for us was when our therapist began to really integrate some family systems theory into our sessions. I don't think either of us realized how much our families of origin affected how we handle conflict and decisions. My family is loud and debates and fights and lays it all out on the table, and then quickly repairs and moves on from the situation. That can be good but also bad ― sometimes problems need time to simmer and feelings can get steamrolled in the effort of getting back to 'normal.' Josh's family is much quieter about conflict, more likely to hold things inside and quietly stew or be introspective. Again, good and bad. Time to think is good, but stuffing feelings down is damaging.
'These family systems totally shaped how we viewed our relationship. For Josh, a giant blow-up was devastating, whereas for me, it was a release of pressure so that things could return to homeostasis. For me, when Josh holds things in or is introspective, it feels tense and awful. We haven't entirely unlearned these patterns and probably never will. We have, however, learned to recognize how our partner is dealing with a situation and see it through a different lens.'― Meg St-Esprit, a part-time staff writer at Romper and freelance journalist and content writer who lives in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
'My wife and I have been together for five years, and we have four children in total and two sons together. Recently we discovered both of our sons have autism. Because of our busy day-to-day lives, we rarely discussed in detail how we really felt on the inside or how our lives would be drastically changed through our sons' diagnosis. I wasn't knowledgeable about autism and was fearful of the unknown, so I began to withdraw when it came to figuring out autism-related things, like behavioral therapy and speech therapy. Instead, I focused more on what I knew I could do, which was housework and taking care of the boys. I didn't realize my lack of interest in their autism was an issue until my wife and I got into a heated argument about how she needed me to be more involved in that part of their lives.
'While in couples counseling, our counselor suggested we discuss how we truly felt to each other, and afterwards we entered into a new realm of intimacy with one another. The discussions strengthened our bond and were integral in helping us face our new reality together with love, communication and understanding. I realized my family needed me to be present in every aspect of their lives, not just the parts I wasn't afraid of. The discussions helped me face my fears and extinguish them as I became more available and hands-on with their autism, and it helped me become a better husband and father.' ―Shon Hyneman, a content creator who lives in the Austin, Texas, area
'My fiancé and I recently got engaged and had our first child together, but as we were planning our wedding, it suddenly dawned on us that we had some unhealthy communication styles that we wanted to address in premarital couples counseling prior to walking down the aisle.
'Prior to counseling, I always avoided the difficult conversations with him because one of us would either get too defensive or too prideful to accept criticism about ourselves, and the conversation would go left and nothing would be resolved.
'Thankfully, in couples therapy I learned how to be a reflective listener, which taught me how to actively listen and give my fiancé the opportunity to speak freely. In our conversations, we learned to use the 'I' instead of 'you' technique that taught me to say, 'I feel hurt when you do X,Y, Z,' instead of saying, 'You hurt my feelings.' By simply learning how to redirect the emphasis on trying to understand each other rather than focusing on winning the conversation or counter-arguing, we learned how to communicate on a deeper level.' ―Brittney, a stay-at-home mom in Missouri
'My husband and I have one of those meet-cute stories that people 'aww' over, and it really set the tone for our early relationship. It was fast-paced, exciting and full of promise. Of course, the honeymoon phase eventually ended, and we were left with no tools to get us through the rest of our lives together.
'Couples therapy has provided numerous long-lasting benefits for my husband and me, but the most powerful takeaway has been learning psychologist John Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, the key indicators of divorce he discovered through his research of couples: They are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. Being able to identify these as they occur has helped us immediately take a step back, regroup and then re-approach each other and the situation.
'In our short seven-year relationship, we've had job transitions, deaths in the family, cross-state moves, financial difficulties, life-threatening pregnancies, sick children and many other major stressors. Having an open dialogue and recognizing the signs of a struggling relationship have helped us face these stressors head-on and come out the other side with our relationship not just intact but strengthened.' ― Jemma, a graduate student who works in marketing and lives in Washington state
'Luis and I attended premarital counseling and have been in therapy ever since. We have had some months where we don't actively go because our therapist says we are OK, but we try to go for maintenance and, honestly, we enjoy it ― both of us do. It's like going on a date for us. When we leave, we feel rejuvenated and like we just learned something completely new about each other, even after 17 years and three children.
'I would say we have learned three key things in therapy that have greatly helped our relationship. One, we both understand that we are a team and teammates don't try to hurt each other. We understand that if arguments or issues arise, it's us against the issues, and not one against the other.
'The second lesson I learned was how to ask him to get certain things done around the house. As Africans from Cape Verde, we were both raised with the habit that the house has to be clean at all times and everything must be in order. I used to get upset when I asked him to do certain things and they wouldn't get done. The conflict happened when I wouldn't tell Luis when I needed them done. We are both full-time parents and full-time professionals, so it's busy. Our therapist suggested I make a list of things I needed done and include deadlines as well. In this way, I could communicate what I needed and he would figure out a good time in his schedule to get them done. So, for example, I can write: '1. Change the bathroom light bulb (no later than tomorrow); 2. Fix my laptop (the end of the weekend).' These were clear asks with deadlines. If the deadlines were unrealistic, we could discuss further.
'Lastly, we learned about 'Is this a listen or a fix it?' My husband loves finding solutions to anything his sees as a problem. However, sometimes I just need a listening ear and a shoulder. So in therapy he learned to say, 'Is this a listen or a fix it?' instead of telling me 'You should do this' or 'You need that.'' ―Terza Lima-Neves, a professor of political science who lives in Charlotte, North Carolina
'When Mandi and I chose to engage in couples therapy recently, we had come to the realization that we were communicating in a way that had become unhealthy for us, our child, our sex life and just our relationship in general. Mandi has ADD, and I am a bit more Type A than I'd like to admit, so we were butting heads over simple things like cleaning the house, parenting... you know, all of the stuff that comes along with a relationship. Our disagreements had gotten hotter and hotter, and her defense mechanism of shutting down and threatening to leave was getting tiresome for us both. She didn't want to leave, but knew it was a button to push to stop the conversation (I've been married twice before). So we decided to enter therapy and found a killer therapist, which was really hard to find.
'For me, the 'aha' moment came when I had to make some realizations about myself and how I communicate. I had to own a lot of my own stuff before I could get into how I reacted to her. First and foremost, I learned that I sit on a thing that is really heavy to me but might mean nothing to her. I let myself spin out about that, and once that particular problem is solved, I keep going and will find any and all things negative that pull me into a really nasty spiral. The 'aha' came when I realized how miserable my own behavior was making those around me. I had to work very hard, and still do, to catch myself when the spiral begins. I now have the tools to tell Mandi it's starting, and she knows to let me just go work through it without pushing on the conversation. I also know to not try to enter the conversation in that state.' ― Brian Rickel, a dean of arts, media and entertainment at a community college in Sacramento, California
'Many people hear 'couples counseling' and they automatically assume something is wrong with the relationship. That was not the case in ours. I wanted to be in therapy as a way of keeping our relationship healthy.
'One of our main 'aha' moments in therapy was when our therapist had us identify our main love language. For years we were using how we identify love on one another, but we learned in therapy we should love each other the way the other views love. In our early 20s, the world was not talking about love languages, but we somehow made it work. Our therapist taught us how to prioritize how the other identifies love ― a sacrifice that is easy to make when you're open to learning and growing. My husbands is 'acts of service,' and mine is 'words of affirmation.' So he started to give me the reassurance I needed and I started taking things off his to-do list. We are nine years strong, have been in therapy for five years and our daughter, Sunset, will be 1 in September!' ―Billi Sarafina Greenfield, a writer, mother and business owner in Southern California
15 Books All Couples Should Read, According To Marriage Therapists
My Husband And I Have A Great Marriage But We Still Go To Couples Therapy. Here's Why.
8 Questions About Couples Therapy You May Be Too Afraid To Ask
Hashtags
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Medscape
9 minutes ago
- Medscape
The Most Vicious Cycle of All: Cardiac PTSD
Just surviving a major cardiac event is an achievement, but of course getting through whatever initial resuscitation and procedures necessary are merely the first steps. As a patient embarks on their rehabilitation journey, one incredibly dangerous setback cardiologists must be on the lookout for is cardiac posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This remarkably common complication — according to a 2004 study published in Critical Care Medicine , as many as 27% of those who survive cardiac events may develop PTSD — can not only cause noncompliance with medication and other ongoing treatment modalities but also put the patient at an increased risk for a second cardiac event. 'In the aftermath of cardiac arrest or a heart attack, one of the most overlooked aspects of recovery is the emotional toll it takes, said Srihari S. Naidu, MD, a professor of medicine at New York Medical College and director of the Cardiac Cath Labs at the Westchester Medical Center Health Network, both in Valhalla, New York. 'The experience can be deeply traumatic, not just for the patient, but for their loved ones as well. Despite this, mental health remains one of the least systematically addressed components of cardiac care.' One problem, Naidu said, is that we 'still, we lack standardized approaches to routinely screen, diagnose, and treat PTSD in this vulnerable population.' Indeed, the American Heart Association identified this as a problem in its 2020 scientific statement, Sudden Cardiac Arrest Survivorship. In this publication, the association said the coordination of multidisciplinary care, to include emotional care, must start as early as within the ICU, but that it needs to continue throughout the recovery period. Srihari S. Naidu, MD 'Without a coordinated plan during hospitalization to assess both short- and long-term recovery needs, we risk missing the broader picture,' said Naidu, who is also the president of the Society for Cardiovascular Angiography and Interventions. 'In my experience, the outpatient clinic visit is often the first, and sometimes the only, opportunity to uncover these issues, which may manifest as anxiety or persistent thoughts about the event, or a variety of unrelated symptoms.' James Jackson, MD, director of Behavioral Health and professor of medicine and psychiatry at Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee, said the symptoms are all united by one thing: The fact that the patient has the source of their trauma with them at all times. 'If you're carrying your heart around with you and the heart is the source of the trauma, you're constantly reminded, right? And if your cardiac event developed out of the blue, the concern is it could develop out of the blue again, right? So you're carrying this trauma around with you. It's a constant reminder,' he said. 'The trauma is not parked somewhere in the rear view. The trauma is sort of in the present and even in the future.' Symptom-wise, this trauma manifests itself in a variety of ways and can often go overlooked due to the focus on the physical recovery, Naidu said. 'During follow-up, subtle cues begin to emerge; patients who seem emotionally distant, who have trouble sleeping, or who avoid talking about what happened (can be red flags),' he said. 'PTSD doesn't always present dramatically.' Sometimes, Naidu said, it's the patient who suddenly bursts into tears when recalling the event. Other times, it's the one who avoids follow-ups, skips cardiac rehab, or steers clear of anything that reminds them of the hospital. Early symptoms may include hypervigilance, nightmares, intrusive memories, emotional numbness, and avoidance. The Cycle Folds Onto Itself When you break it down and look at triggering factors, it's not hard to understand how PTSD becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. 'Often with patients in a cardiac context, they get quite anxious. Their heart starts beating fast, and then they really worry. And so their response to that is, I'm going to withdraw. I'm going to disengage,' Jackson said. While physical activity or exercise often helps reduce stress, patients are often short of breath and are reminded how it felt when they were having the attack. James Jackson, MD 'And so if they start to exercise, it's all well and good,' Jackson said. 'But as soon as they get slightly short of breath, even if they're fine physiologically, as soon as they get short of breath, they're going to shut that down. And this is just one example, but it becomes a very isolating sort of process.' Patients left in this sustained crisis state experience a significantly diminished overall quality of life, and a study led by Antonia Seligowski and published in the March 2024 issue of Brain, Behavior, and Immunity found that PTSD after cardiac arrest significantly increases the risks for both major adverse cardiovascular events and all-cause mortality within just 1 year of discharge. This is supported by the findings of Donald Edmondson, MD, associate professor of behavioral medicine in medicine and psychiatry at Columbia University Irving Medical Center, New York City, both in his 2013 study published in the American Heart Journal and in research he has done since. 'Over the years now, we've studied cardiac patients, both acute coronary syndrome, so myocardial infarction, as well as cardiac arrest and stroke,' Edmondson said. 'What we see is that between 15 and 30% of patients will screen positive for PTSD due to that cardiac event 1 month later. Those who screen positive for PTSD are at least at doubled risk, if not greater, for having another cardiac event or dying within the year after that first cardiac event.' These outcomes highlight how critical it is to address PTSD early and effectively, Naidu said. 'As cardiologists, we often focus on optimizing medications, procedures, and physical rehabilitation, but without integrating behavioral support, we're missing a major part of the healing process,' he said. PTSD and cardiovascular disease have a well-documented relationship: PTSD can worsen cardiovascular risk, and in turn, living with heart disease can amplify psychological stress. Jackson said that there are behavioral health approaches at work in other areas that may be useful for cardiac events that are not sudden onset. 'There's a general sort of a movement afoot called prehab,' Jackson said. 'The general idea about prehab would be, 'Hey, you're going to have this surgery. We think that it's going to knock your brain down. So we're going to try to do some brain training with you before the surgery, and we think that in doing that, we're going to build your reserve up.' Is There a Type? Although a 2022 study led by Sophia Armand and published in the Journal of Cardiovascular Nursing showed that younger age, female sex, and high levels of acute stress at the time of the event to be significant risk factors for developing PTSD after cardiac arrest. There's no one overarching 'profile' in terms of who's likely to develop PTSD after any cardiac event. Naidu has his hunches, though. Donald Edmondson, MD 'I would say that I suspect cardiac arrest is more frequently associated with PTSD than other types of cardiac events. Compared to conditions like myocardial infarction or unstable angina, the psychological impact of cardiac arrest, particularly when complicated by anoxic brain injury, tends to be more profound,' Naidu said, cautioning that individual risk factors should be weighed in every case. 'Anoxic injury significantly increases the risk of depression, anxiety, and PTSD, often for an uncertain duration.' At Columbia, Edmondson said there are two indicators that together predict a high risk for a cardiac patient developing PTSD. 'They tend to pay close attention to their cardiac sensations and catastrophize them,' Edmondson said of the patients who go on to develop PTSD. 'Initially, in the ER [emergency room], they're extremely distressed. Then, post event, they'll say over the past 4 weeks, when I feel my heart beating fast, I worry that I'm having another heart attack. Or if I feel short of breath, I worry that I'm going to die.' 'Having those two predictors together, so initial high distress in the emergency department and this sort of high, what we call interoceptive bias, those two things together place people at high risk for developing PTSD at that 1-month period (after their cardiac event).' Regardless, more research must be done on this extremely risky and highly debilitating mental health issue that's so deeply entwined with its cardiac trigger. 'More focused studies are needed to better understand the timing, risk factors, and mechanisms behind these symptoms, and to develop standardized strategies for early screening, intervention, and long-term psychological support,' said Naidu. 'An urgent need exists to screen for and treat PTSD, not just for mental health but to help prevent repeat hospitalizations and improve long-term cardiovascular outcomes.'
Medscape
27 minutes ago
- Medscape
Pediatric HS Linked to Obesity, Acne, Other Comorbidities
A meta-analysis of 19 studies found that pediatric patients with hidradenitis suppurativa (HS) show an increased rate of medical and psychiatric comorbidities, including obesity. METHODOLOGY: Researchers conducted a systematic review and meta-analysis of 19 observational studies (14 US studies), which included 17,267 pediatric patients with HS (76.7% girls; mean age, 12-17 years) and 8,259,944 pediatric patients without HS. The primary outcome was the prevalence of comorbidities in pediatric patients with HS. The main categories included metabolic, endocrinologic, inflammatory, psychiatric, dermatologic, and genetic comorbidities. TAKEAWAY: In the meta-analysis, the most prevalent condition in patients with HS was acne vulgaris (43%), followed by obesity (37%), anxiety (18%), and hirsutism (14%). Obesity showed moderate certainty association with HS in children, with prevalence ratios ranging up to 2.48, odds ratios ranging from 1.27 to 2.68, and hazard ratios up to 1.52 ( P < .001). < .001). Researchers also found a probable association between depression and HS (moderate certainty), with all studies reporting a higher incidence among patients with HS. An association with diabetes was reported in three studies (low certainty). IN PRACTICE: 'Given the significant risk of chronic comorbidities and negative sequelae in pediatric HS, our findings highlight a need for comprehensive comorbidity screening clinical guidelines in this population and emphasize the involvement of multidisciplinary teams to achieve this,' the study authors wrote. SOURCE: The study was led by Samiha T. Mohsen, MSc, University of Toronto, Toronto, and was published online on June 11 in JAMA Dermatology . LIMITATIONS: Several of the included studies were graded as low quality, and most studies did not compare the risks of comorbidities between the two groups. Most of the studies were from the US, which could limit generalizability. Significant heterogeneity was reported across the studies. DISCLOSURES: The funding source was not disclosed. Three authors reported receiving grants, personal fees, and honoraria from multiple pharmaceutical companies, including AbbVie, Novartis, UCB, Incyte, Novartis, Celltrion, Leo Pharma, Pfizer, Sanofi, and the Pediatric Dermatology Research Alliance. Other authors reported no conflicts of interest.
Yahoo
27 minutes ago
- Yahoo
BioLab contests inspection reports on Rockdale Co. chemical plant
BioLab, Inc. is contesting a federal inspection that found that improper chemical storage caused the massive fire in Rockdale County last year. The fire pushed a plume of chlorine gas into the air, causing evacuations. A shelter-in-place order was in effect for nearly a month. Occupational Safety and Health Administration inspectors cited the company with six violations in April of this year. One explanation said the fire started because '…hazardous chemicals such as, but not limited to, Trichloroisocyanuric acid, (TCCA), 99% Sodium Dichloroisocyanurate (DCCA), and Bromochloro-5,5-dimethylimidazolidine-2,4-dione (BCDMH) were not stored properly.' [DOWNLOAD: Free WSB-TV News app for alerts as news breaks] In May, the company said it would stop manufacturing chemicals at its Conyers facility but said distribution is still operational there. 'We are still under the impression there are still poisonous chemicals there, and that is the problem,' Porchse Miller told Channel 2's Courtney Francisco. Miller is one of those neighbors suing BioLab, Inc. The Rockdale County Government is suing as well. 'If they have a distribution site, there got to be chemicals still there,' said Miller. County leaders declined to comment due to pending litigation. RELATED STORIES: BioLab to close Rockdale County facility at center of chemical fire 'Treat it more seriously:' Rockdale County man says BioLab fire made him sick Residents of Rockdale County demand answers after BioLab chemical fire I asked BioLab, Inc. if it had changed how it stores chemicals. A spokesperson said he cannot comment on that at the time. Federal records show BioLab, Inc. contested all six of the code violations inspectors cited it with in April. If a company challenges results within 15 days, it can get a hearing in front of the Occupational Safety and Health Review Commission. Channel 2 is waiting for the Department of Labor to confirm that BioLab, Inc. met that deadline. [SIGN UP: WSB-TV Daily Headlines Newsletter]
