Labor Nurses Reveal Red Flag Husband Behaviors
Take it from people who see this dynamic every day. While labor and delivery nurses are there in the room helping pregnant people endure the pain of contractions and epidurals, they are also sometimes dealing with bored, judgmental partners.
'A lot of times, you just are making eye contact with the other nurses in the room. Like, 'Can you believe what is happening at this moment?'' said Yancy Guzmán, a North Carolina-based nurse.
'Labor is where partners rise to the occasion or fail miserably,' said North Carolina-based nurse Jen Hamilton. 'I see it all the time where people have so much hope that their person is going to just step up to the plate ... It's just so devastating to watch somebody who you know had these really high expectations and then they weren't met.'
And the nurses interviewed, who have seen hundreds of births, said this unsupportive behavior is exclusive to heterosexual men.
Although they cannot predict whether couples will divorce, several of the nurses said they know when you should divorce, or hope you will. 'I never know the end of people's stories, but I feel like I can make a very educated guess on whether or not their relationship will stand the test of parenthood,' Hamilton said.
Washington-based nurse Alyssa Richard said that during labor, nurses see who men 'authentically are behind whatever facade they may put up in front of people.'
Here are the biggest offenses nurses say they've seen from men while their partner was in labor.
1. They Sleep Through Active Labor.
Richard said men sleeping through their partner's active labor is the most common unsupportive behavior she sees that frustrates her the most.
'If there's an emergency, and if the baby's heart rate drops, tons of nurses will come running in and start doing all kinds of stuff with the mom, and the dad's just over there sleeping, or pulls the blanket over their head so they don't have to be bothered by what's going on — that's my biggest pet peeve, that's crazy,' Richard said.
Hamilton said she recently had a woman who was screaming during labor, and 'this guy is trying to cover his ears to get a better snoozy position. I was so aggravated.'
Richard said that birth partners should only be sleeping when the person who is laboring is sleeping. 'It's such a short chapter in your life ... I don't think it's that big of an inconvenience for you to also be awake with them.'
In some cases, Richard has woken up sleeping men with, 'Hey, time to be up now. We need you [to be] a part of this.'
2. They Complain About Their Discomfort.
While their partner is going through the ordeal of birthing a whole human, some men will make this day about them, nurses said.
Hamilton said that when a man's first instinct is to worry about his own comfort in the room rather than his laboring partner's — with comments like 'How do you work the TV?' or 'I need more pillows' — it raises a red flag for her.
'Just a couple weeks ago, I had a dad make a comment about how this was really inconvenient for him because he had been working all day,' Richard said. 'And I'm just like, 'What the heck?' I can't even imagine saying that to someone, let alone your partner that you're supposed to be having a baby with.'
3. They Play Video Games.
There are some men who prioritize watching a screen over being there for their partner. 'I've seen them with headsets on so they're fully involved in an online game, while there's just like chaos going on around them,' Richard said.
'I've seen a guy go to Best Buy while his wife or girlfriend is in labor and get a 55-inch screen monitor and bring it to the hospital because their gaming system wouldn't hook up to our TVs,' Hamilton said.
Richard said it's fine to play games if your partner is comfortable or resting, but 'when your partner's awake crying ... playing your video games isn't inappropriate.'
4. They Leave When It Matters Most.
'I had a guy one time who had signed up for a timeshare talk, and literally left his wife when she was eight centimeters dilated to go to a timeshare talk and missed the birth of his child,' Hamilton said.
Guzmán recalled a time when a dad never acknowledged the nurses in the room. 'He moved his recliner so that he was facing the TV and never had to look in our direction ... and then he kind of got up abruptly. He's like, 'I've just been stuck in this room this whole day, and I just need to walk outside,'' she said. 'Meanwhile, his partner's in the bed, who literally can't leave the room, who's the one doing all the hard things, and he's turning it into this situation where it's about him.'
After childbirth, stitches might be needed for vaginal repairs. On more than one occasion, Richard said, she has heard men making 'incredibly inappropriate comments about sewing it up tighter or 'Is it going to look as good as it did before?''
6. They Judge Their Partner's Decisions During Childbirth.
Hamilton said it's unsupportive when men insert their own judgments about the laboring patient's choices with comments such as 'You don't need an epidural' or 'You're being a wimp.'
'I am going to support whatever she wants, but he's making it so much harder for her to get relief,' Hamilton said. 'He's making it so much harder for her to feel at peace in her decision.'
Guzmán said when men make judgments about what their partner should do for pain management, 'I will try to get the dad out of the room by saying, 'Can you go get me some ice water for her or whatever?' And then I do take advantage of that time to say, like, 'What do you want? Why is he speaking for you?''
Hamilton said that sometimes men will override the laboring patient's decisions about who she wants in the room, recalling partners who wanted to bring someone like the mother-in-law into the room. 'That indicates a lack of respect for her boundaries and not protecting that sacred space where she needs to feel the safest,' she said.
Fortunately, supportive birth partners outweigh the disengaged and outright hostile birth partners, nurses said. But often, there are also confused, nervous partners who could simply be better with more guidance.
Ideally, Richard said, birth partners should ask their pregnant partner, 'What do you think would be helpful if you were in a lot of pain?' before the day their child is born. Some people might prefer to be touched and held, while others would not, and it's better to talk this out before the high-stakes, stressful situation of labor.
And when it's time to give birth, be humble about what you don't know if you're trying to be a support person. 'A lot of nurses would really admire someone to say, I don't know what to do, but I want to be helpful,' Guzmán said.
And if you are pregnant and concerned your baby's father will make labor a nightmare, Hamilton encourages you to bring someone else, even if that person makes zero sense to outsiders — like a sibling, a best friend or your hairdresser who is always there for you in a crisis.
'It's OK to pick someone that others may see as random,' Hamilton said. 'Protect your peace. Labor is too hard to bring someone with you who is just going to make it harder.'
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