Asking Eric: Most of the time, a crush is just a crush
Dear Eric: My husband and I have been estranged from our 17-year-old granddaughter for eight years. We were loving, supportive grandparents but after the mother of our granddaughter broke up with our son, the father, she stopped our granddaughter from seeing us as well.
For eight years, I have tried to keep contact with our granddaughter with gifts and cards on her birthday, Christmas and other times. I do not receive a response of any kind from her. We believe her mother forbids her from contacting us.
My question is should I continue to send cards and gifts to her? I'm ready to stop. I don't want her to forget us but I'm very tired of attempting to reach out to her with no response.
– Estranged Gramma
Dear Gramma: Eight years is a long time to go with no response. I'm sorry; I know that's hard. If you're ready to stop – or modify this practice – I think it's OK to do so. Sending cards and gifts hasn't had the desired effect thus far and if it's just contributing to your grief and sense of loss, it might be best to take a pause.
Consider, however, that your granddaughter is about to be a legal adult and therefore will be able to make different choices about who gets to contact her. And also consider that the gifts may have had a positive impact on her, even if they didn't result in a closer relationship with you. There are a lot of unknowns. As such, don't feel obligated to keep up a tradition that's wearing you down.
You might, for instance, take a few years off, and then reach out with a letter asking if she's open to reconnecting. You'll have to respect whatever she chooses, but there are other paths forward. They'll just take a little more time.
Dear Eric: I have been dating my girlfriend for one and a half years now, and we have a really strong relationship. I care about her a lot, and our relationship means a lot to me. However, recently our relationship has been missing the spark it used to have, and it just isn't as exciting anymore (although I still very much enjoy spending time with my partner and our relationship is fine).
Additionally, I have started finding someone at work attractive and have found myself looking at them a lot and trying to be around them often. I have already told my partner that I find this person attractive, but I said it didn't amount to much (sort of like thinking a movie star is attractive) and so my partner was not too upset.
However, I feel very guilty about my feelings of attraction and am worried that it could be a sign my girlfriend may not actually be right for me. I'm hesitant to just break up with my current partner and begin talking to the person I'm attracted to as I feel it would hurt her greatly and I also don't want to lose such a good relationship.
Furthermore, I haven't spent much time with this coworker whom I'm attracted to, and don't wish to spend any time with them as it feels like cheating. So, I don't know much about their personality, and they could end up being someone that I actually dislike. Is it a bad idea to throw away a perfectly good relationship just for a 'crush'? Is it immoral to have these feelings and stay with my partner? Are these feelings a sign that maybe our relationship isn't meant to be?
– Confused Lover
Dear Confused: Bad idea? Yes. Immoral? No. A sign? Reply hazy, ask again.
Your relationship with your girlfriend is changing, as is natural. Things won't always have the sizzle and spark of your early attraction. That can be jarring, but it's often an opportunity for you both to reinvest in the relationship, to make some adjustments, and to light new sparks.
Relationships aren't ever static. Try to communicate openly about what you miss, what you're hoping for, and ways – big and small – that you can keep building the relationship.
I don't know what the inside of this crush looks like. But I know that it's often easier to look at something that's new and mostly unknown and start to construct an idealized narrative. It's easier to imagine that everything will be perfect with some other person – without even really knowing that person – than to accept that 'perfect' with the person we do know takes work.
Most of the time, a crush is just a crush. If you want to get to know your coworker outside of the office and see if reality matches your imagination, that's fine (presuming she also wants to get to know you). But I think your first step should be spending some time working on your relationship with your partner.
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Dear Eric: My husband and I have been estranged from our 17-year-old granddaughter for eight years. We were loving, supportive grandparents but after the mother of our granddaughter broke up with our son, the father, she stopped our granddaughter from seeing us as well. For eight years, I have tried to keep contact with our granddaughter with gifts and cards on her birthday, Christmas and other times. I do not receive a response of any kind from her. We believe her mother forbids her from contacting us. My question is should I continue to send cards and gifts to her? I'm ready to stop. I don't want her to forget us but I'm very tired of attempting to reach out to her with no response. – Estranged Gramma Dear Gramma: Eight years is a long time to go with no response. I'm sorry; I know that's hard. If you're ready to stop – or modify this practice – I think it's OK to do so. Sending cards and gifts hasn't had the desired effect thus far and if it's just contributing to your grief and sense of loss, it might be best to take a pause. Consider, however, that your granddaughter is about to be a legal adult and therefore will be able to make different choices about who gets to contact her. And also consider that the gifts may have had a positive impact on her, even if they didn't result in a closer relationship with you. There are a lot of unknowns. As such, don't feel obligated to keep up a tradition that's wearing you down. You might, for instance, take a few years off, and then reach out with a letter asking if she's open to reconnecting. You'll have to respect whatever she chooses, but there are other paths forward. They'll just take a little more time. Dear Eric: I have been dating my girlfriend for one and a half years now, and we have a really strong relationship. I care about her a lot, and our relationship means a lot to me. However, recently our relationship has been missing the spark it used to have, and it just isn't as exciting anymore (although I still very much enjoy spending time with my partner and our relationship is fine). Additionally, I have started finding someone at work attractive and have found myself looking at them a lot and trying to be around them often. I have already told my partner that I find this person attractive, but I said it didn't amount to much (sort of like thinking a movie star is attractive) and so my partner was not too upset. However, I feel very guilty about my feelings of attraction and am worried that it could be a sign my girlfriend may not actually be right for me. I'm hesitant to just break up with my current partner and begin talking to the person I'm attracted to as I feel it would hurt her greatly and I also don't want to lose such a good relationship. Furthermore, I haven't spent much time with this coworker whom I'm attracted to, and don't wish to spend any time with them as it feels like cheating. So, I don't know much about their personality, and they could end up being someone that I actually dislike. Is it a bad idea to throw away a perfectly good relationship just for a 'crush'? Is it immoral to have these feelings and stay with my partner? Are these feelings a sign that maybe our relationship isn't meant to be? – Confused Lover Dear Confused: Bad idea? Yes. Immoral? No. A sign? Reply hazy, ask again. Your relationship with your girlfriend is changing, as is natural. Things won't always have the sizzle and spark of your early attraction. That can be jarring, but it's often an opportunity for you both to reinvest in the relationship, to make some adjustments, and to light new sparks. Relationships aren't ever static. Try to communicate openly about what you miss, what you're hoping for, and ways – big and small – that you can keep building the relationship. I don't know what the inside of this crush looks like. But I know that it's often easier to look at something that's new and mostly unknown and start to construct an idealized narrative. It's easier to imagine that everything will be perfect with some other person – without even really knowing that person – than to accept that 'perfect' with the person we do know takes work. Most of the time, a crush is just a crush. If you want to get to know your coworker outside of the office and see if reality matches your imagination, that's fine (presuming she also wants to get to know you). But I think your first step should be spending some time working on your relationship with your partner.
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