Tulisa of N-Dubz speaks on life after infamous drugs sting: ‘It's only now that I'm in a more peaceful place'

Yahoo

a day ago

More than a decade after her life was irrevocably altered by a tabloid cocaine sting, N-Dubz singer and former X Factor judge Tulisa Contostavlos is reflecting on the profound cost of fame.
The self-styled 'Female Boss' now lives quietly in Cheshire, maintaining a low profile while occasionally dipping into the spotlight, most recently appearing in I'm A Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here! last year. She asserts that fame for its own sake holds little importance for her. "I want the ability to do the things that I'm passionate about and earn income off that," she explains. "I'm more focused on business and property investments outside of fame, so that I don't have to be in the fame world if I don't want to. The only thing I guarantee is I'll never step away from is N-Dubz."
This perspective is a stark contrast to 2013, when undercover reporter Mazher Mahmood, known as the 'Fake Sheikh', posed as a film producer. He met Contostavlos at luxury hotels and restaurants, claiming she had vowed to procure cocaine for him in exchange for a lead film role. This led to her arrest and charge for being concerned in the supply of a class A drug, which she denied. The highly publicised trial collapsed in 2014 after a judge ruled it was likely Mahmood had manipulated evidence and lied under oath. He was subsequently jailed for 15 months for conspiring to pervert the course of justice.
Now 37, Tulisa has penned Judgement, her personal account of the sting, the trial, and its devastating aftermath. The book recounts the set-up, the shocking headlines, intense press intrusion, and two suicide attempts as her career imploded, even after her exoneration. "It just felt like it wasn't going away, just never ending," she says. "Career-wise, cool, I was free, but the damage had been done. Certain brands didn't want to go near me, some people didn't want to work for me anymore. There are still people walking around thinking I got done for doing cocaine, which wasn't the case at all. There was so much damage done and not enough information out there of what really went down."
She documented her experiences in a diary during the trial, which she has kept for nearly 12 years. "After all that happened, I actually didn't want the attention of being in the spotlight and exposing it all again," she admits today. "It's only now that I'm in a more peaceful place that I've been able to go back to it."
The ordeal undoubtedly forced her to confront the true price of fame. Her role as an X Factor judge had already attracted tabloid scrutiny, exacerbated by an infamous sex tape leaked by an ex-boyfriend. When the drugs trial publicity left her career floundering, she was unable to meet mortgage payments on her Hertfordshire mansion, losing her deposit and the house itself. She resorted to living in rented flats. "I also had a million quid in legal bills, so it was a nightmare," she recalls. "The only reason financially I was able to survive is because of my songwriting. I have royalties which continue for the rest of my life. So if it wasn't for being a songwriter, I would have been absolutely finished financially."
Despite the hardships, she expresses no regrets. "I'm a very spiritual person and I'm a big believer of what is meant to be is meant to be," she offers. "I'm very happy and proud of the person that I am today. I'm a lot more comfortable in my skin and I wouldn't be this person without every single experience that I've had. So personally, I wouldn't change a thing."
For five years post-trial, the Camden-born singer felt fragile, vulnerable, and preoccupied with public opinion. "Somehow I've just got back to this place now where I think I've balanced my vulnerability, but I've also got that old savage in me that doesn't give a sh*t." Today, she finds herself in a happier, calmer space, though she is grieving the recent deaths of her father, Mungo Jerry keyboardist Plato Contostavlos, and her beloved dog, Narla. She uses exercise and work as coping mechanisms. Regarding her mental health, she states: "There's been a lot of healing, a lot to figure out, a lot of self awareness and self therapy. It's not been the easiest 10 years. Being kind to yourself is key."
The resilient singer is no stranger to mental health challenges, having been the primary carer for her mother, Anne Byrne, who struggled with schizoaffective disorder, from the age of 11. Having lived alone for eight years, she confesses she would struggle with cohabitation, comfortable in her isolation. She has frozen her eggs to allow more time to consider having children. "What I will say is that I currently have a long-standing emotional connection with someone in my life, but I remain single for now," she shares. "I'm open to dating but I'm quite lazy with it. If I'm going to end up with someone, it's more than likely that it will be with someone I already know. I'm not really into new connections. I just don't have the energy." She does not plan to have children alone, despite offers from two ex-boyfriends. "If I do it, I feel like the man's got to really make me want to have kids and set the tone in an environment that makes me go, 'Ok, I like this'. I really would need a 50/50 partner."
She admits to an ongoing conflict regarding fame, torn between redeeming her celebrity career and the anxiety of the spotlight. "I remained conflicted for many years, which is why I'd have a burst where I might release a little song, or you might see me on TV, and then I completely disappear again. That conflict exists to this day, which is why I'm always dipping in and out. I'm sure there are things that I could do at this point, whether it be going into the presenting world or maintaining some kind of job in television, but I like having the ability to dip in and out because of my mental health. I'm just not someone that could consistently be in the industry like that after everything I've experienced."
In 2022, after an 11-year hiatus, she reunited with N-Dubz bandmates Dappy and Fazer for a sold-out tour. The band remains a source of genuine happiness, and she anticipates more gigs. While she has enough material for another book, the suggestion of more reality TV "feels like someone took a cheese grater to my soul." For now, she prioritises self-care, exercising regularly, training an hour daily, and maintaining a healthy diet. "I go easy on myself in terms of being kind in the way that I speak to myself. In this day and age people are very harsh on themselves when it comes to self talk."
Judgement by Tulisa Contostavlos is published by Blink Publishing on Aug 13, price £22.
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