Is it okay if your partner still follows their ex on social media? Here are some questions to think through
Let's transcend the digital realm for a moment and consider the crux of this pain point, which reveals a conundrum that reaches far beyond our phones. There is a psychic threat to one's emotional safety in a relationship when a partner still maintains connections, in some way, to past lovers. The truth is that there's no black-and-white answer to this dilemma. Because, to put it bluntly, some people cannot be trusted to follow (or be connected to) their exes, because they have not yet emotionally processed the course and end of that relationship, and/or because they have not done the work to cultivate the healthy emotional, mental and social boundaries that are conducive to a new partnership.
Some people have, though, and thus can actually be friends — chosen family, pet co-parents, whatever — with their exes. Some relationships do redemptively transform for the better and evolve into a much more nourishing and aligned version of however they existed before. When that happens, it's beautiful. But this is not always the case. The plot thickens when considering non-monogamous, polyamorous and/or queer relationships — the boundaries here may be different. Every relationship, and every personal history that a partner brings into that relationship, is unique. So the question becomes: Who are you dating, and what are their true intentions with you and in staying connected to their ex(es)? That's up to you to find out.
The way to do this is by cultivating discernment through patient observation. Time is on your side — any pressure to rush, especially in a relationship, is usually a sign to slow down. Examine their behavior. Try calming your nervous system by treating this process like an opportunity to discover more about how to meet your own needs first. (Because dating, after all, is a practice, not a destination — it's an opportunity to learn by gathering information about what you really need to feel safe.) How does your lover talk about their exes — with wistful yearning, or are they matter-of-fact when opening up about how they've grown through relationships? What's their energy like when you run into their ex — do they clearly introduce you and involve you in the conversation? Do they handle it in a way that makes you feel secure and prioritized? Do they hide their phone, always place it screen side down, always take it with them to the bathroom?
Everyone has a different relationship to technology and social media, and their reasons for their behavior can vary. Observation is so powerful because, even if you've been with someone for years and years, you're still getting to know them. Every day spent with them presents many chances to learn more about them. Building a solid emotional foundation in yourself and understanding that you are your ultimate safe space can help you remain calm and give you the courage and the peace to ask honest and thoughtful questions of your partner. This can help you build emotional intimacy together and find a path along which you both feel seen and heard.
So, if your beloved has an ex in their life, approach it mindfully. Remind yourself that you can't control others, but you can find safety within yourself. Then, try your best to suspend judgment of your love's situation. Get curious about it. Ask them to talk about what is meaningful to them about that connection still (of course, with boundaries — you can ask them to spare the sultry details, if that would be painful for you to hear). And then listen, connecting with the emotional energy of your love. Them being able to open up to you about something sensitive yet important to their story will only bring the two of you closer and cultivate a sense of security and understanding in your love, too. If they get defensive, elusive or both — make a note of it. Don't get reactive in the moment, which will only escalate the situation and emphasize a feeling of rupture. But do assemble your notes, spend some time in thought and meditation, and plan your next move — and figure out what you need to feel truly loved — from that process.
Goth Shakira is an Aquarian Queen of Pentacles divining and loving in Los Angeles. Send your questions to our resident love expert here.
This story originally appeared in Los Angeles Times.
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Yahoo
3 hours ago
- Yahoo
People Who Had Sex With Their Ex's Sibling Revealed How It All Went Down, And Oh...My God
A while back we shared stories from people who've slept with (and even married) their ex's siblings, and the stories were wild. So wild that they even prompted our readers to share some of their own: Some stories are also from this Reddit thread because they're just too good not to share. 1."So, my husband 'Bill' and I have been together for a bit over five years. I met Bill through his younger brother, 'Bob.' Bob and I had been friends for almost two years, and dated on and off through that. It wasn't anything serious. We were young, and Bob was a womanizer and a bit of an asshole. Anyway, Bill and I ended up dating and then got married. Pretty much no one in his family gave a crap, other than Bob, who held a grudge. Bob was pretty petty for a while and tried to sabotage things between me and his brother for the first year or so." "Soooooo, that brings us up to now. Bill and doing too well. He cheated in the first year of marriage, and I got over it, but he never really did. Divorce has been thrown around. Finally, we settled on staying together for the kid and opening up the relationship with a don't ask, don't tell policy. Well, lo and behold, Bob and I get along okay sexually, and now he's my on-again, off-again friends-with-benefits partner. It's funny how life works out, I guess." —AllUpInThatFamily 2."My grandma married my mom's dad. Then divorced. Then she married his brother and got pregnant. After they divorced, she remarried my mom's dad, and he raised his nephew like his son." —maedessaint 3."My uncle had an affair with his sister-in-law. Her husband was his wife's brother. She had several kids, two of whom belong to my uncle. They both divorced their spouses and married. Many years later, my uncle died of a terminal illness. His wife/ex-sister-in-law had a sister who died shortly after my uncle. She then married her sister's widow! She loves keeping it in the family, I guess." —Anonymous, 59 4."I married a man who dated my sister first. He asked her to marry him, but she found out he was cheating with her best friend. So, her best friend married him because she was pregnant. They had been married for five years, and he caught her cheating with her boyfriend from high school. They divorced. He asked my sister out again, but she was seven months pregnant, and her husband left her for another woman he was cheating with. So, he started following me to my karaoke shows, which I was DJing, and we started dating. We ended up marrying as soon as both our divorces were final, and were married for 23 years until he cheated on me with his ex-wife!! She can have him!!!" —Anonymous, 58, Georgia 5."My mom's dad had an affair when my grandma was pregnant with my mom. He cheated with my grandmother's sister. My mom claims that her mom never showed her the same love or attention because of the affair. Grandma was furious, and my mom says Grandma always resented her, even though my mom had nothing to do with it." —Anonymous 6."Not me, but my husband's baby mother. After my husband got with me, she was angry about it, even though they weren't dating, so she hooked up with his brother. My brother-in-law was dating my now-sister-in-law, and he cheated on her with my husband's baby mother. The baby's mother was best friends with my now-sister-in-law, so it was a huge betrayal. My brother-in-law and sister-in-law got married down the line, and the baby's mother is on, like, her 12th boyfriend since all that. The interesting part is that her first baby father (not my husband, BTW) had a best friend who she hooked up with also." —Anonymous, 35, New York 7."As a teen, I became friends with a guy who adored my sister. My sister never gave him a moment's notice. She ended up dating his older brother, and eventually they were married for over 20 years. 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Forbes
5 hours ago
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Temperance: How To Cultivate The Quiet Strength That Shapes Character
In a series of articles, I explore each of the 11 character dimensions in the Leader Character Framework, as described in the MIT Sloan article 'Make Leader Character Your Competitive Edge.' I am starting with temperance because research at the Ivey Business School and Virtuosity Character consistently reveals it as the weakest dimension. It may be that temperance is neglected because people often view it as a weakness rather than the quiet strength that shapes character. They fail to see the cost of its absence, such as the erosion of trust when someone loses their temper. Although we often underestimate its impact, we are more likely to notice and feel the effects when it is missing. It also plays a crucial role in tapping into all dimensions of character, and most critically in shaping our judgment. Explaining what temperance is, why it matters, and how to develop it is essential for sustained excellence and well-being. Defining Temperance The virtue of temperance has a long history in moral philosophy. Although the temperance movement of the 19th and 20th centuries often distorted its meaning by associating it with alcohol abstinence, its component behaviors have stood the test of time. Benjamin Franklin ranked temperance at the top of his list of virtues that he checked daily. Although the highly respected philanthropist and investor, Warren Buffett, hasn't used the term temperance, his philosophy and approach to investing reveal the five virtuous behaviors—being calm, composed, patient, prudent, and self-controlled—that can manifest as both deficiency and excess vices. A good video introduction to temperance is available through Virtuosity Character. The vices of deficiency, such as being anxious, agitated, impatient, inattentive, and rash, are common everyday experiences. 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The excess vices—being indifferent, detached, overly accepting, overly cautious, and over-regulating—are mainly linked to deficiencies in other character areas. It's easy to see that someone lacking courage, drive, or accountability might become overly cautious, while someone with weaknesses in justice and integrity could become overly accepting. A person lacking transcendence, humanity, humility, and collaboration might become indifferent and detached. The core of temperance is that all five virtuous behaviors need to be strengthened, but temperance cannot be viewed in isolation. It requires support from the other 11 dimensions. Judgment, or what Aristotle called 'practical wisdom,' acts like an air-traffic controller, serving as a central dimension among the other 10, as shown in Figure 1. Whereas we often fail to recognize when we are lacking humanity or humility, deficiencies in temperance are usually apparent to ourselves and others. We feel anxious, and others can see that we are impatient. In 'Towards a Model of Leader Character Development: Insights From Anatomy and Music Therapy,' Corey Crossan, Cassie Ellis, and I reveal how character development depends on four underlying anatomical systems – physiology, affect, behavior, and cognition – what we refer to as the PABCs. Research in cognitive behavioral therapy recognizes the interdependence of these systems when seeking to change behavior, whereas leadership development typically neglects one or more, particularly physiology. Although there is recognition of the fight, flight, and freeze responses in humans, as Forbes Councils Member Peter Stewart describes, and their links to affect, which includes feelings, emotions, and mood, the link to character, and in particular temperance, has been underexplored. Yet the connections are critical. Take, for example, a person's fear of public speaking, which Forbes contributor Jane Hanson describes as 'the most common phobia ahead of death, spiders and heights…with experts suggesting that nearly 75% of the population is affected.' As Hanson describes, 'the same complex bodily response that protects us from danger - the fight or flight response - is at the root of public speaking anxiety. When we are stressed, our body releases stress hormones that shut down the part of the brain responsible for memory. Next thing you know, your mind 'goes blank' and you forget that witty opening line you'd practiced so many times.' Why is it that we don't trigger the fight/flight response during every conversation? Consider that the moment we imagine ourselves giving a speech, a range of things happen simultaneously, including cognitive scripts such as 'I hate giving speeches' and 'I am not good at it,' along with associated feelings of fear, as well as the physiological adrenaline rush that accompanies these responses. Consider a different sequence: that without even being fully aware, our physiology shifts and our heart rate becomes increasingly erratic. We notice the shifts and start to label the energy in motion (emotion) as one of fear, making sense of it with scripts like 'I hate giving speeches.' But what if part of that energy in motion is excitement about the opportunity, which could then have a different set of scripts? When we start to unpack the development of temperance, we need to keep in mind the PABC systems that underpin it. But first, let's address why temperance matters. The Importance of Temperance Research at the Ivey Business School reveals that differences between individuals with weak and strong character are associated with a 14% increase in leader effectiveness and a 10% increase in resilience, job-related well-being, and job satisfaction. Fred Kiel's book, 'Return on Character,' reveals that leaders of strong character achieved up to five times the Return on Assets compared to those organizations with leaders of weak character. The interesting question is what role temperance plays within the constellation of the 11-character dimensions. Although the Ivey research reveals that the character dimension of judgment plays a central coordinating role in the constellation, temperance has a special role because of its strong connection to the PABCs. When individuals lack patience and calm, many describe themselves as 'not their best selves,' meaning they typically possess more humanity or humility, but in the moment, they struggle to access it. Essentially, temperance seems to act as a portal through which we access other dimensions of character, so when temperance is weak, people are unable to access those other dimensions. There are many examples of leaders with weak temperance – being impatient, agitated, and rash. Forbes Contributor Nellie Akalp even suggests impatience might just be a virtue for entrepreneurs, citing Steve Jobs as an example. However, what has been misunderstood is that people often equate a lack of temperance with high drive, but neglect the fact that you need both. Cultivating temperance does not erode drive. Therefore, giving someone a pass when they lose their temper because they have a lot of drive is like a race car without an adequate braking system. Weaknesses in temperance undermine judgment. However, the solution isn't about 'getting emotions out of decision-making,' which is a common refrain. Instead, temperance is about the capacity to regulate affect—including feelings, emotions, and mood. However, excess temperance is also problematic. It is less common in senior leadership roles because organizations tend to overemphasize drive and underestimate the importance of temperance, which leads to promoting leaders with a similar profile to Steve Jobs. However, excess temperance shows up in leaders who often create many roadblocks for why something can't happen or, like the race car analogy, seem to be riding the brakes all the time. In our workshops, we use the example of Apollo XIII to illustrate how temperance functions in the virtuous state, leading not just to excellent decision-making but also to the safe return of the astronauts. The famous 'failure is not an option' scene reveals strength in several character qualities, including courage, accountability, drive, and transcendence, while highlighting the crucial role of temperance as they collectively decide on the rescue mission. When tempers begin to flare over the options, NASA flight director Gene Kranz encourages patience and calmness. The scene serves as a powerful example of prudence, which is often misunderstood, as the team faces the challenging decision of how to save and manage the energy needed to bring the module back. Kranz isn't relying solely on his temperance, but also inspires it in others when he calls on everyone, including people on the assembly line who made the module, to help figure out how they can manage the limited energy. Overall, weaknesses in temperance weaken the other character dimensions and ultimately judgment. Developing temperance involves cultivating the five habits of being calm, composed, patient, prudent, and self-controlled, which depend on regulating the PABC systems. Here's how. Developing Temperance The five temperance habits, along with all character development, follow a progression through five levels. The first level is the ability to observe and identify behaviors in oneself and others, whether they are in a deficient, virtuous, or excessive state. Opportunities to do this are available at every moment of every day as we witness our behavior and that of others. The examples of excess, deficiency, and virtuous behaviors discussed earlier illustrate how to begin diagnosing behaviors by examining character. Although many people believe that leaders should resemble Steve Jobs, with high drive, courage, and accountability, and low temperance, looking at counter-examples like Warren Buffett and Gene Kranz helps clarify how temperance functions. It's especially meaningful to observe it within ourselves. Few people see any benefit in their lack of temperance, and many worry they lack the ability to strengthen it, which leads us to the second level. Activating the chosen behavior is the second level. The foregoing article on the model of leader character development explains how music can not only be used to regulate the four anatomical systems but also to activate character dimensions and specific behaviors. Music is especially influential because research shows that it directly impacts physiology and affect, and can be used wisely to activate cognition—particularly when someone needs to remind themselves of what it feels like to be calm, for example. It is no surprise that many meditation apps rely on ocean sounds to help calm users. Our research revealed that one doesn't have to listen to music; simply recalling music can strongly activate character. We also use images, such as pictures and memories of places, to cultivate personal resources that help a person activate a behavior. These resources are like lifting weights that activate a specific muscle. The third level involves strengthening behavior, particularly in personal and professional contexts. In the Virtuosity mobile app, I co-created with Corey Crossan, we offer daily practices for all character behaviors. We often use the quote attributed to Viktor Frankl that 'between stimulus and response there is a space, in that space is our power to choose our response, and in that response lies our growth and our freedom.' However, we suggest that Frankl underestimated the role of character in being able to choose. For example, if a person lacks patience, they have closed off possibilities and allowed their physiology to dictate their choices. The first step is to use the space between stimulus and response to observe and identify behaviors. The following is an example of a daily exercise for developing self-control, a key temperance behavior. All exercises rely on prior research that informs the behavior. For example, the habit of developing self-control depends in part on decision science, which suggests that self-control is like a battery that gets depleted during the day and can also be replenished in various ways, including through sleep, a balanced diet, or even spending time in nature. Exercises to develop self-control involve becoming more aware of the decision fatigue in our daily lives that depletes self-control and learning to both regulate and restore the battery that fuels self-control. The fourth level is consistent for all character behaviors and involves exploring how interdependent they are. For example, as I worked on strengthening my self-control, I learned how dependent it was on my transcendence, particularly being purposive. I realized how I was putting a lot of pressure on my self-control when my sense of why I was doing something, or not doing it, was not fully activated. I also discovered how much my self-control relied on my integrity, particularly in habits such as being principled and consistent. I learned that the character dimension of collaboration was critical as I began to rely on others to help support my self-control. The final level involves strengthening the habit so that it remains consistent in different contexts. For example, lack of time can put a lot of pressure on being patient and calm, so it isn't simply a matter of cultivating calm when I am on my yoga mat, but rather strengthening it so that I remain calm even under duress. One of the surprising findings about temperance from the research at Virtuosity Character is that when people strengthen other dimensions of character, they also find that their temperance improves. For example, strengthening humanity through compassion and empathy helps people show more care towards others rather than being agitated or impatient. This is a testament to the interconnected nature of the character dimensions and how much pressure we often place on temperance because we lack in other areas. Cultivating temperance is not a matter of 'one and done,' but rather it is an ongoing practice of strengthening the character muscle we need daily. Like the brakes on a race car, it needs to be there when we need it and not a second later. Like Formula 1 race teams that stress-test their brakes alongside their engines, it is time to recognize the critical role of temperance in cultivating character.
Yahoo
6 hours ago
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Woman Upset After Mom Secretly Makes Changes to Apartment While She's Away on Vacation
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