Ask Sahaj: My family doesn't understand me at all. I'm so lonely.

Washington Post

a day ago

Dear Sahaj: I feel lonely in my family because I feel as if I have to solve all my problems on my own without support, although that's what I need. I don't feel as if they give me support because they meet me and my concerns within their cultural frame. I don't really feel seen and heard, and don't get the help I actually need. It then leads me to solve my problems and concerns on my own, and it often feels like too much.
I have tried to challenge their views and make them see things from my perspective, but with no luck. It breaks my heart, because I felt I had to end a relationship I didn't feel truly ready for ending. I then always blame myself for not being assertive enough and brave enough to do things on my own despite their reaction and their approval. I was willing to respect some of their values in hopes they meet me halfway and be more flexible in their ways, but no.
My idea was to get a better job, save money, move out and do whatever I want, but knowing how I behaved in the past, I don't think I will because of my cowardice and fear of their reaction. How do I deal with this loneliness where I am not being met where I need?
— Lonely
Lonely: You're not cowardly. You're caught between cultural/familial loyalty and wanting to speak and live your truth. Your grief is real, but it deserves gentleness, not self-criticism. You are blaming and shaming yourself for trying to survive in the tension of needing belonging and wanting freedom. Continue to acknowledge your pain, but be careful to impose judgment on it. It's okay to feel as if you weren't ready to end that relationship. It's okay that you wanted to please your family.
Right now, your sense of self is deeply entangled with the approval and emotional responses of your family. If they don't support your dreams and desires, then those things feel wrong and bad. So you run yourself ragged trying to change them, or get them to see your perspective, or even love you as you are.
The hard truth is they may never come around. They may not understand what you need or what makes you happy and feel loved. This sucks and feels unfair, I know, but to really, truly accept this reality, you must decide for yourself at what point you stop focusing on them, and at what point you tend your own emotional wounds. Your grief, your anger, your disappointment feel wrong, but they aren't. They need to be processed. Reflect on what you are grieving — not just in your relationships but also in the life you are not living out but are seeking.
Your dream of getting a better job and having enough money to move out is not selfish, but you will want to disentangle who you are and what you need from what your family is imposing on you before you can plan the logistics of making these changes. Start by taking micro-actions every day to build internal separation from your family's emotional hold. This might look like journaling your feelings once a day so you start hearing your voice clearly and learn to separate your feelings from those of others. Or practicing low-stakes boundary-setting, such as limiting sharing personal details or making smaller decisions without consulting them. Or even carving out an hour a week that's fully yours for a hobby, social engagement or therapy.
Slowly, you'll train your nervous system to tolerate the discomfort of acting outside your family's expectations without collapsing into guilt or anxiety. Working through enmeshment isn't about cutting your family off (unless you choose to). It's about building enough emotional, financial and psychological independence so you relate to your family from choice, not fear or survival.
Finally, focus on who and where else you can seek support from. Is there even one family member or community member you can turn to and tap in for support and allyship as you navigate these familial struggles? Are there friends, mentors, online groups or access to professional support where you can have confidential and loving spaces to process your grief, anger and confusion? You don't have to be alone just because your family doesn't understand. These people and resources can become your scaffolding while you build your own sense of self. You deserve it.