50 Hilarious Jokes From The Funniest Comedians Ever

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'I once walked in on my parents having sex. It was the most embarrassing 30 minutes of my life.'
—Norm Macdonald
'An escalator can never break — it can only become stairs. You should never see 'Escalator temporarily out of order,' just 'Escalator temporarily stairs.''
—Mitch Hedberg
'I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I've never found any strange panties in my dog's house.'
—Wanda Sykes
'I was going to sail around the globe in the world's smallest ship, but I bottled it.'
—Mark Simmons
"I don't think we're as amazing as our parents are… I'm not going to have any struggles to tell my kids about. What's my story going to be like? 'Ah, son, once, when I was flying from New York to LA, my iPad died!'"
—Aziz Ansari
'A doctor gave his patient six months to live…but he couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.'
—Henny Youngman
"Asian women, we live forever. And you know why we're such bad drivers? Because we're trying to die. We're like, 'Yeah! Let me see how invincible I really am!''
—Ali Wong
'My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person — so I can get a better girlfriend.'
—Anthony Jeselnik
"I hate weddings...they're needy and arrogant. They go, 'Oh, we're getting married. Do you wanna come and watch us for 12 hours?' 'No. Fuck, no.' Even the invite is arrogant, isn't it? It's like a royal decree. 'You are cordially invited…' It's not a fucking honor. I don't wanna go to your shitty wedding. Know what I mean? And then you go, 'Oh, right, yeah. When is it?' They go, 'Two years' time.' They know you haven't got an excuse for two years' time."
—Ricky Gervais
'My sister was with two men in one night…she could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners? That's a lot of food.'
—Sarah Silverman
'I used to think the brain was the most fascinating part of the body. Then I realized, well…look what's telling me that.'
—Emo Philips
"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."
Also: 'I spilled spot remover on my dog, and now he's gone.'—Steven Wright
'I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then boo.'
—Phyllis Diller
"I can't listen to any new songs. Because every new song is about how tonight is the night and we only have tonight. That is such 19-year-old horseshit. I want to write songs for people in their 30s called 'Tonight's no good. How about Wednesday? Oh, you're in Dallas Wednesday? Let's not see each other for eight months and it doesn't matter at all.'"
—John Mulaney
'I travel a lot. TSA looks at my name, and suddenly I'm the most interesting man in the world. 'Mr. Mohammed…please step this way.''
—Mo Amer
Said to her boyfriend: 'Do you know how easy it would be for me to cheat on you? Do you know how many holes I have in me? I take this slice of Swiss cheese around the block — it's over for you, dude.'
—Taylor Tomlinson
'Here's all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.'
—George Carlin
'You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus, and you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next 50 years.'
—Chris Rock
'The first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You just kind of sit there. You're the least excited person at the party. You didn't even really realize that there is a party. Both birthday parties' people have to help you blow out the candles. It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you.'
—Jerry Seinfeld
'I want a woman…with original factory settings.'
—Gabriel Iglesias
On accidentally setting himself on fire: 'Fire is inspirational. They should use it in the Olympics, 'cause I did the 100-yard dash in 4.3. You know something I found out? When you're on fire and running down the street, people will get out of your way. Except for one old drunk, he's going, 'Can I get a light? How about it? Just a little off the sleeve. Okay?''
—Richard Pryor
'I was diagnosed as an ugly child at the age of 11 by a caricature artist at a Six Flags, and I didn't know until then. I really didn't, and then he turned that canvas around and my dad was like, 'Oh my God, it's uncanny.' My whole family's like, 'Whoa, Nik, it's you!' 'I'm like, 'Really? Okay, I didn't know I had buck teeth and bushy eyebrows, a Founding Father haircut and a tiny bicycle.' But then I knew.'
—Nikki Glaser
'Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?'
—Robin Williams
"It's amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? 'What the? Has someone been kidnapped?'"
—Jim Gaffigan
"I'm paranoid about everything in my life. Even at home on my stationary bike, I've got a rearview mirror."
—Richard Lewis
'I love being married. It's great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.'
—Rita Rudner
'I don't get no respect — when I was born, I was so ugly…the doctor slapped my mother!'
—Rodney Dangerfield
"I am scared of the tuxedo. I'll explain. When you're a white man and you put on a tux, you go from average Joe to James Bond, secret agent. You look cool. When you're a Black man, you go from average Joe to Barack Obama. Presidential. When you're a Latino male, you go from average Jose to waiter."
—Erik Rivera
"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."
—Joan Rivers
'If you smell burning toast, you're either having a stroke…or just overcooking your toast.'
—Bo Burnham
'Throwing acid is wrong...in some people's eyes.'
—Jimmy Carr
'I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.'
—Dick Gregory
'If you could go anywhere in the world… I said, 'Anywhere?' He said 'Anywhere.' I'm like, 'To the other side of the room. Now please get out of the way of a woman and her dream.''
—Tig Notaro
"So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: 'You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation.' Yeah, does it look like I'm suffering? Those aren't tears on your belly."
—Robert Schimmel
'All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.'
—Red Skelton
'I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything.'
—Demetri Martin
'I have enough money to last me the rest of my life…unless I buy something.'
—Milton Berle
'I'm in therapy, which is weird because I'm Midwestern. I should be burying this pain in my backyard with a pie.'
—Jackie Kashian
'I just joined a gym. I don't work out there, I just joined it. It's nice to have something to cancel.'
—Todd Barry
'I get into arguments with taxi drivers all the time. I get out of the cab and slam the door, but that's not the way to win an argument with a taxi driver. The way to win is you get out of the cab and leave the door open. Then he has to get out, come around and close the door. While he's doing that, I'm on the other side, opening the other doors. And we just keep going around and around and around. And I got my own Benny Hill situation going on, and I won.'
—Hannibal Buress
On birthdays during his childhood: 'When I was 10 there wasn't trampolines and cartoon characters, I never went to Chuck E. Cheese! My mom said, 'You wanna see a mouse, pull the refrigerator out!'"
—George Lopez
'I was sitting in my apartment playing my favorite apartment game: Find the smell. Luckily, it was me.'
—Dave Attell
'Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating a salad.'
—Dylan Moran
"If you go to a Black history museum and you got a Black tour guide, you need to go in the morning while he's still in a good mood... You gotta catch him at 9:00 a.m. He just finished that McGriddle. 'How y'all doing? My name is Charles, it's my pleasure to take you on this journey. Look at these exhibits right here. Black history is American history. Come look at the exhibits.' You think that brother gonna be in a good mood at 4:30? He been staring at slavery all day. That dude liable to cuss out everybody. 'Look at this shit! Come look what you done to us! Look what you — get your ass out my museum, motherfucker!' You go to the gift shop, it's just people crying."
—Roy Wood Jr.
"I'm a procrastinator, man. It's really bad. It's a problem, you know? I'm worried eventually my bucket list is just gonna be a bunch of errands I haven't run yet. How sad would that be if my doctor was like, 'You got a few months left to live,' and I'm like, 'Dang, I got to hurry up and frame these photos.'"
—Sheng Wang
'A lot of Americans are suffering from depression younger and younger — our children are seeing the sippy cup as half-empty."
—Maria Bamford
"Asian parents are the last group of people you can ever convince to see a doctor... Nothing can make my mom see a doctor. My mom could have an arrow going right through her pants and she's trying to pull it out like Rambo, right? And you're like, 'Yo, Mom, let's go see a doctor.' And my mom will be like, 'No. They just want to take people's money.''
—Ronny Chieng
"I'm not a big supporter of small businesses. I'm more of a big business kind of guy. I like businesses so big there's another business inside of them, like a Target with a Starbucks in it. But the real reason I don't support small businesses is because I have irritable bowel syndrome…you have to use their bathroom, but these stone-cold killers will look you in the eyes and say no to you even after you say, 'What if I buy one of your stupid candles?''
—Chris Estrada
On relationships with immigrant fathers: 'You'd be like, 'Dad, what's your favorite color?' 'Stanford!' 'What? I want to know more about you.' 'Why do you want to know about me? Get into Stanford!'"
—Hasan Minhaj
'If you can see the handwriting on the wall…you're on the toilet.'
—Redd Foxx