The sneaky online habit that may have a darker meaning – & it could spell trouble for your romantic relationships
CRUSHED The sneaky online habit that may have a darker meaning – & it could spell trouble for your romantic relationships
IF you have a one-sided crush that is so intense it's basically moved into your head and started redecorating, you might be experiencing a powerful (and exhausting) romantic state known as limerence.
It's not just butterflies - it's obsession-level longing, and social media is currently buzzing with explanations about this all-consuming love sickness that many are secretly battling.
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Limerence is heightened due to social media access (Stock pic)
Credit: GETTY
We're spending more and more time online, peeking into the lives of people we've never met - friends, influencers, strangers - and falling a little bit in love from a distance.
It's admiration turned obsession, and it's fuelling an emotional epidemic.
What is limerence?
Limerence is a state of intense, obsessive infatuation with another person, characterised by intrusive thoughts, a desire for reciprocation, and a tendency to idealise the object of affection.
It can infiltrate every part of a person's life, too. Many who experience it find it hard to focus on anything else other than their 'limerent object,' - and their work, social life, and other relationships suffer as a result.
Anna Runkle, relationship specialist and author of self help books Connectability and Re-Regulated, explains that being 'stuck' in limerence 'becomes a way of life that leaves people isolated and lonely - and makes it nearly impossible to build a real, healthy relationship".
The obsession is not based in reality; it is 'the projection of an ideal,' says psychologist Dr. Jordan Peterson: 'Relationships are built on negotiated reality - not fantasy. True love is when you stop idealising and start serving - when you move from projection to participation.'
What causes limerence?
Runkle emphasises that limerence is not a sign of being broken or irrational - it's an emotional injury, often rooted in past trauma. And like many trauma wounds, it can be healed.
'If people didn't pay attention to who you are, and what's unique about you, we develop a capacity for imagination and we can see love where there is no love,' she explains.
This behaviour - though obsessive - is not the same as stalking.
Most people with limerence never act out their fantasies or harass the other person in any way. Instead, the fixation tends to be inward, private, and emotionally exhausting.
How to tell if you have limerence?
If you're not sure if you're in it right now, there's one sneaky habit that could be a key indicator, Runkle says: 'You're searching the other person's social media, believing that you see coded signs in what they're posting—that it was really like a little wink at you or a reference to something that you like."
But what is it like to be a limerent person? These real-life stories show what happens when limerence takes over...
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"Limerence is the projection of an ideal. But relationships are built on negotiated reality—not fantasy.' - Dr. Peterson (Stock pic)
Credit: getty
Emma: "On paper, I have it together, but my love life feels like a loop I can't escape"
"From the outside, I look like I have it together; two degrees, an interesting career, I'm stylish, articulate, and I like to think I'm attractive," she says.
"But my romantic life almost always feels like chaos.
"Looking back, the pattern is clear. I am never really 'single'. I go from one intense 'relationship' to limerence to a new 'relationship'. Rinse and repeat. Each of these relationships only lasts around four to six months."
Emma continues: "I swear it always feels mutual at first. We will spend all weekend together and will text nonstop. It's passionate and silly and incredibly intense. I know I can be manic. I wrap people up in that energy.
"But I always go for people that I know are emotionally - or physically - unavailable and once the real relationship ends, the obsession lingers.
"I find myself replaying conversations in my head; moments of tenderness, things their friends said to me.
"In the most recent case, I was invited to his friend's birthday party at a bar just a month or two into seeing each other.
"Two of his friends separately told me, 'He's never like this with anyone,' and, 'He's crazy about you.' They were probably just drunk pleasantries, but I clung to it like gospel."
I made offhand comments mean more than they ever should have, turning a crumb into a feast
Emma adds: "I look for signs everywhere. If I glance at my phone at the exact second he texts, I think the stars are aligning (never mind the fact that I had been checking obsessively every few minutes).
"Then I start playing one-sided games. If I text him and have already sent two messages, it's his turn; I can't send a paragraph if he only sends a sentence - the thread has to look 'fair' if someone were to scroll through it.
"It's like I'm trying to choreograph proof that I'm wanted, not chasing.
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Anna Runkle explains limerence is a form of avoidance (Stock pic)
Credit: Getty
"I met the guy I'm currently hooked on while I was working abroad for a few months. That definitely added to the romance and spontaneity of it. And whilst I know, deep down, that it's impractical to be together, I can't stop day-dreaming about the 'what-ifs'.
"At the moment, I'm trying to go no contact. I've blocked him, deleted every photo, and scrubbed my phone clean of reminders.
"I make sure that I surround myself with friends and family that will hold me accountable and I'm trying therapy. Honestly, the cliché healthy habits like working out and journaling have helped too.
"I guess my goal now is to be 'crushless'… It takes up so much brain space."
Kenny: "I love my wife, but I'm obsessed with a barmaid at my local pub"
Kenny explains: "For me, it started innocently. I'm a married man in my 40s, and I've known the barmaid at my local pub for years. We'd always had friendly banter, nothing more. But then something shifted.
"Suddenly, every glance, every smile, every throwaway joke seemed charged, like it carried some hidden message just for me. I felt like a teenager again - giddy, restless, electric.
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Kenny says "I haven't seen a single comment where someone confessed their limerence and the other person was understanding and accepting." (Stock pic)
Credit: Reuters
"Let me be clear: this wasn't love. Not even close. She's not someone I'd ever want to date. Honestly, she's a total train wreck. If she ever turned to me and said, 'Let's go out back and make out,' I'd run screaming in the opposite direction.
"Still, when she started texting me about other guys, venting about her latest hook-ups and asking for advice, something snapped in me. I couldn't take it anymore.
"In a strange haze of jealousy and confusion, I texted her to tell her that I had feelings, and I couldn't keep hearing about her guy troubles anymore. The message was clumsy and passive-aggressive. I know I didn't really want to pursue anything with her. I just wanted the aching to stop.
"It backfired. She saw it as a betrayal of trust, and we haven't spoken since," he adds.
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Many people have turned to online communities and chat bots for help (Stock pic)
"Desperate to undo the damage the text had made, I turned to a chatbot for advice," Kenny admits. "I remember driving to pick my wife up from the hospital after she'd had surgery, and arguing with the 'bot about it. That's when it told me: 'This could be limerence.'
"I had never heard the word before, but once I started reading about it, everything clicked. Suddenly, I wasn't just 'crazy' or 'creepy'; I was experiencing something that had a name. And soon, I found a whole community that understood exactly what I was going through.
"That was the lightbulb moment.
"I had never heard of it, but soon found an online community of other people talking about their own, similar feelings.
How to stop the cycle
Likening limerence to a drug addiction, Anna Runkle shares the following tips to help you stop obsessing: No contact : And no contact means no contact. Stop texting, calling, or "accidentally" bumping into them.
: And no contact means no contact. Stop texting, calling, or "accidentally" bumping into them. Block them : Unfollow or block on social media. No more "stalking" their feed.
: Unfollow or block on social media. No more "stalking" their feed. Stop searching for 'coded messages' : Those "coded messages" you're seeing? They're just your imagination - remind yourself that these are your 'romantic projections' that are not based in reality.
: Those "coded messages" you're seeing? They're just your imagination - remind yourself that these are your 'romantic projections' that are not based in reality. Put down the tarot cards : engaging with psychics is prolonging your obsession - watch out for emotional spending on services that feed the fantasy.
: engaging with psychics is prolonging your obsession - watch out for emotional spending on services that feed the fantasy. Seek support : Runkle also points to 12-step programs for relationship addiction, which are free and widely available.
: Runkle also points to 12-step programs for relationship addiction, which are free and widely available. Heal yourself: Often, limerence comes from old emotional wounds, like childhood trauma. A good therapist can help you figure out what's really driving your obsession.
"These online forums helped me understand why I may be so prone to obsessing over people I don't even really like, and soon I found I am pretty much a textbook case.
"I have OCD, and I'd say that my mother was nutty enough to have caused some 'maladaptive coping mechanisms' that everyone seems to be talking about. And now that I understand limerence, I can see that this isn't the first time it's happened," he continues.
"In the past I'd find myself thinking 'why are all the people I'm into, not into me?' Now I realise that I was limerent, and my obsessive tendencies were burning so bright that all of the normal relationships in my life seemed so dull and faded by comparison.
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"Limerence is an inevitable byproduct of human romantic idealism," Dr. Peterson explains (Stock pic)
Credit: Getty
"My wife even still tells a funny story from before we officially started dating: we were at the bar and I introduced my future wife to this woman I was obsessed with as 'my sister.' I don't know why, she wasn't anyone I would ever want to 'be' with, but I was obsessed with wanting her to 'see' me in that way.
"Later in the night I was kissing my (now) wife and she said 'what must that chick think, seeing you kiss your 'sister' like that?!'
"Looking back, I don't know that my limerence for that woman ever 'ended'. My future wife and I moved away from the area, so that situation resolved itself.
"I want to clarify - my relationship with my wife is wonderful. I suppose over time, as all couples do, we've fallen into a rhythm that is at times more functional than romantic," Kenny says.
"I guess that made me more vulnerable to catching limerent feelings for the waitress at the bar.
I haven't told my wife about it, but the barmaid is acting weird around her now, so I'm afraid she's going to say something.
"As for my current situation, I haven't told my wife about it, but the barmaid is acting weird around her now, so I'm afraid she's going to say something.
"The shame has been the hardest part. I've barely told anyone about how I feel and haven't talked to anyone in-person the way I can on the forum.
"Coming out and saying 'I have an obsessive fixation on someone' still seems a bit much for people to process," he adds.
"Before I understood limerence, it just felt like something creepy or immature.
"It will be so nice when this becomes more widely known and the stigma drops."
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