Neurodiversity and relationships: ‘It's about recognising where you both struggle and where you both thrive'

Irish Times

15 hours ago

From the outside, some couples make relationships look easy. As though they were always meant to be together and simply 'get each other'. But relationships are often more complicated than they seem, and the younger generations are navigating an increasingly challenging relationship landscape.
With more people being identified as neurodiverse, the dating scene becomes even more intricate.
'As humans, our need for connection is vital, not just for survival, but for companionship, love, and even growing a family,' says Afrah Al-yufrusi,
psychosexual and relationship therapist with the
Evidence-Based Therapy Centre
in Galway.
'For those of us who experience neurodiversity, how we connect and relate to others may look different. We are influenced by early relationships, cultural experiences, personality traits, and how our brains are wired. These neurodivergent traits can affect how we navigate the world and, of course, how we form and maintain relationships.'
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When we consider relationships at a base level, they come with a nuanced understanding that everyone is different. How people connect and develop relationships is often influenced by personalities and past experiences. Relationships are always complex. Couples navigating neurodiverse connections may find it more intricate as they seek to embrace the neurological differences within their relationship.
'Let's not sugar-coat this, relationships are challenging for everyone,' says Al-yufrusi. 'Ari Tuckman says: 'A good relationship pushes you to become a better person.' They take hard work, commitment, communication and reflection. The idea of 'happily ever after' in movies doesn't prepare us for the real, everyday challenges. When things don't match our expectations, frustration can build, disappointment sets in, and suddenly we're questioning our self-worth.'
A neurodiverse relationship comes with potential challenges such as a difficulty in expressing emotions, experiencing different sensory sensitivities, and miscommunication. Awareness, understanding and appreciation of neurodiverse differences is important in a relationship that may also be affected by potential social stigma.
'In neurodivergent relationships, these challenges don't disappear, they're often just amplified,' says Al-yufrusi. She explains this by using the example of a partner with
attention deficit hyperactivity disorder
(ADHD) who might forget repeatedly to pay a bill, despite being capable and competent, leading to arguments and financial stress within the relationship.
'These small issues can create distance, as partners may start to turn away from each other rather than addressing the problem together,' she says. 'It can be especially difficult when consistency seems out of reach. Over time, this can lead to feelings of isolation and a widening emotional gap.'
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Another example is a partner with
autism
who might look for more structure or predictability in their life and relationships. They may find it difficult to show empathy in the way their partner expects and express their love through different actions other than words or physical contact such as maintaining the house. Al-yufrusi says that when these small but significant differences aren't recognised, it can leave both partners feeling misunderstood. Not everyone expresses love in the same way and it's important to recognise that neurodivergent individuals may not express and receive love in ways that are considered to be more traditional, such as receiving gifts, words of affirmation, or acts of service.
'If you and your partner have different ways of expressing love, there can be disconnects, but it's all about understanding and bridging the gap. It's not about changing the person. It's about embracing the unique ways in which they express affection,' says Al-yufrusi. 'It's important to be flexible and mindful of how these languages play out in a relationship.'
Recognising neurodivergence can be challenging, especially when a partner masks their neurodiverse traits. The signs and patterns will be there, however. Some of these include a partner who is easily distracted, forgets plans, or needs more time to process information or emotions.
'However, it's important to remember that neurodivergence is not an excuse for bad behaviour in a relationship,' Al-yufrusi asserts.
'Sometimes, it can be challenging to distinguish between neurodivergent traits and a situation where your partner may not be valuing you or the relationship. It's crucial to take a step back and assess the situation, whether it's a communication issue related to neurodivergence or a deeper relational issue that needs attention.'
Understanding your own neurodivergent traits is the first step. When you know yourself, you're better equipped to communicate your needs and understand your partner's
—
Afrah Al-yufrusi
It's important to identify that a person with ADHD may be challenged by attention regulation and may seem disengaged during conversations, non-committal or forgetful. Someone with autism may experience sensory overwhelm, prefer routines, or struggle with certain social cues. The signs are subtle, says Al-yufrusi, but are important to notice.
'If you're in a relationship and recognise these behaviours in yourself or your partner, it might be worth considering whether neurodivergence is playing a role,' she says.
'Sometimes, this realisation comes after a diagnosis in our children, or it may surface as we reflect on our own childhood experiences or recognise patterns in our relationship. It could also be sparked by something we've read or seen. For some, it can be particularly challenging when they reach perimenopause, and the strategies they've relied on no longer work, making it harder to mask their neurodivergent traits.'
The best advice Al-yufrusi can give to readers navigating a neurodiverse relationship is to encourage a personal level of self-awareness.
'Understanding your own neurodivergent traits is the first step,' she says. 'When you know yourself, you're better equipped to communicate your needs and understand your partner's. It's about recognising where you both struggle and where you both thrive.'
Within this self-awareness, Al-yufrusi suggests that self-regulation is also crucial as couples can learn to manage their emotions, especially in times of stress, by creating space for both partners to reconnect and communicate effectively. Miscommunication is another obstacle. As one partner is struggling with sensory overload, the other can feel ignored or dismissed.
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'When you understand the underlying cause, whether it's ADHD, autism, or any other neurodivergent trait, you can approach it with more empathy,' says Al-yufrusi. Communication, empathy, understanding and mutual respect encourage a relationship to thrive.
'Neurodivergent relationships can be both challenging and deeply rewarding,' says Al-yufrusi. 'The key to making them work lies in understanding yourself, your partner, and the neurodivergent traits that shape your interactions. With self-awareness, good communication, empathy and patience, neurodivergent relationships can thrive, offering growth, connection, and beautiful moments that are unique to each couple.'