Holy arbitration, Fatman! Starmer's superhero alter-ego is revealed

Telegraph

16-07-2025

Super-injunction sounds like Keir Starmer's alias were he a Marvel hero. 'By day, he's a lawyer. By night… he's also a lawyer.' A woman falls from a tall building: Keir squeezes his belly into a leotard, flies to the scene, and arrives after she's hit the ground but in time to ask witnesses to sign a non-disclosure agreement.
'Holy arbitration, Fatman!'
The caped headmaster was up for his last PMQs of the summer term, putting on his 'be sensible' scowl, handing out prizes for the best crawl or suck-up.
Jacob Collier, resembling one of those cherubic middle-aged men who lie their way back into school, said Keir was handsome and clever, and 'I welcome Labour's warm home discount'. Indeed, replied the Holborn Porker, 'I met his constituent Nicola in her kitchen who told me how hard she's working to support her family.' She also asked: 'How did you get into my kitchen?' and 'Could you please leave?'
The public is so anti-politics now that the only way to conduct a focus group is to secrete a minister into a voter's house and surprise them when they come down to breakfast. 'Before you call the police: how would you rate the economy, out of 10?'
The polls don't bode well. One puts Labour neck-and-neck with a Corbyn-led party that hasn't been named or formed and we're not sure Corbyn actually wants to lead. This is the equivalent of drawing even with 'TBC' – although the Tories do little better and the Lib Dems are an asterisk. In a display of their utter lack of definition, Ed Davey first asked about anti-Semitism, then accused Israel of war crimes. He wants to have his babka and libel it.
Kemi Badenoch offered Labour an end-of-term 'scorecard': higher taxes, rising unemployment, growing inflation. The PM dug deep into his repository of wit: '14 years... £22bn black 'ole... she comes here every week and she just talks the country down.' Kemi slapped back, 'I'm talking him down!' and demanded to know if taxes would rise. Starmer wouldn't say yes or no, which means yes. Sitting to one side, Angela Rayner thought: 'I want your job.' To the other, Rachel Reeves thought: 'Would someone please take my job?'
Tory Graham Stuart described the Labour manifesto as 'beautifully written, deeply moving, and, like that other great blockbuster... The Salt Path, a total pack of lies.' Can the PM recommend 'a summer recess read?' Keir, who seems to have skimmed Animal Farm and assumed it was a utopia, pointed a finger at the vacant Tory benches and said the Opposition was 'already on its summer recess!'
One suspects they are busy consulting their lawyers. Given the scale of the Afghanistan mess, it's staggering that only Davey asked about it, Starmer limiting himself to a brief swipe at 'Conservative management of this policy' that lacked feeling. Why is the Commons so complacent? Because the Tories don't want to fuss about an error they oversaw, and because politicians of all stripes love war and love immigration. This scandal ticks both boxes.
No wonder Reform is the only option polling well, the anti-everything, smash-the-system vote, the party of clicks and giggles. Gregg Wallace for equalities minister? Only a matter of time.