Are you 'too soft' on your child? Ivy League-trained psychologist says compassion builds resilience, not 'snowflakes'

Time of India

10-05-2025

You're in the middle of the grocery store, and your child is on the floor wailing because you didn't buy the frosted cereal. Eyes turn. Embarrassment creeps in. Your instinct might be to discipline—or even scold. But what if the real answer is not toughness, but tenderness?
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A new wave of parenting wisdom suggests that showing compassion—even in the middle of a meltdown—isn't spoiling your child. It might just be building the foundation for a resilient, emotionally strong adult.
The Surprising Truth About 'Soft' Parenting
Dr. Becky Kennedy
, an Ivy League-trained clinical psychologist and bestselling author, wants parents to know they don't have to fear being 'too soft.' In a recent episode of her popular podcast
Good Inside
, she addressed a common misconception: that
compassion in parenting
leads to emotional fragility.
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'It's almost like we view compassion as dangerous,' said Kennedy, who holds a PhD from Columbia University. 'We think it's going to lead to kids being soft, being snowflakes.'
But Kennedy challenges that assumption with both research and personal experience. As a mother of three, she admits she once believed that calm parenting in the face of tantrums might reinforce bad behavior. Over time, she discovered the opposite.
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'When I add my criticism, my invalidation, the feeling just gets bigger. It's so counterproductive,' she said.
Compassion is Not Coddling—It's Coaching
Instead of reacting with frustration, Kennedy suggests that parents acknowledge their child's emotions—even the explosive ones. Simple affirming phrases like,
'It makes sense you're upset,'
or
'I know you'll get through this,'
can do wonders.
The goal is not to excuse the behavior, but to validate the emotion behind it. Psychotherapist Amy Morin supports this approach, writing that parents can say,
'It's OK to feel upset, but not OK to act this way,'
reinforcing emotional awareness while gently guiding behavior.
This method helps children learn that feelings like anger, sadness, or disappointment are normal—but expressing them destructively is not. Over time, it cultivates
emotional intelligence
and equips kids with the tools to handle life's inevitable lows.
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Why Self-Compassion Is the Real Superpower
Kennedy emphasizes that a child's inner voice often echoes what they've heard from their parents. If criticism and dismissal dominate the early years, children may grow up internalizing those voices as adults—resulting in self-doubt, shame, or paralysis in the face of failure.
'A parent's voice becomes a child's self-talk,' she explains. 'If that voice is critical, it'll be that much harder for a child to find their feet, confidence, or resilience later.'
The antidote? Teaching self-compassion. According to psychologist Kristin Neff's research, this quality is crucial not only for emotional health, but also for personal growth. People who respond to failure with compassion are more likely to try again, take responsibility, and avoid spiraling into negativity.
'Compassion after failure makes people more likely to persevere and try again,' Kennedy says. 'It helps people take responsibility for mistakes without spiraling into shame. That's huge.'
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Softness Today, Strength Tomorrow
In a culture that often glorifies grit and discipline, Kennedy's approach feels like a breath of fresh air. She isn't advocating permissiveness—but rather
mindful parenting
that sees emotional outbursts not as misbehavior, but as opportunities to teach empathy, resilience, and self-regulation.
So the next time your child screams over the wrong color of sippy cup, take a breath. Offer compassion, not correction. You're not raising a snowflake—you're helping sculpt a human being who knows how to weather the storm.