Will mom get detained? Is dad going to work? Answering kids' big questions amid ICE raids

Los Angeles Times

18 hours ago

By the time Josefina and her husband sat down to talk, the immigration raids had been going on for days, and protests over the federal actions had turned violent in parts of downtown Los Angeles.
At night, they could hear the helicopters from their Boyle Heights home.
The couple couldn't afford to put off the conversation any longer — fear was mounting over the potential separation of their family. Josefina's husband, a garment worker, is an undocumented immigrant from Mexico.
When U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers raided the Ambiance Apparel garment factory June 6, the couple's 15- and 19-year-old children had texted their father in a panic. He, too, works at a garment factory.
Should he go to work? That's what they had to hash out Tuesday night.
The couple was seated in the dining room. Their children were engrossed in a movie in the living room. The parents had not wanted their kids to hear the conversation — and figured they were out of earshot.
They weren't.
'Dad should just stay home,' the teenagers insisted.
And with that, the whole family was part of a difficult conversation. It was not how the couple had scripted it, but Josefina came to terms with keeping the kids in the know.
'I've done my best to shield them, but they have a lot of questions,' said Josefina, who like others in this report asked that she and her family not be fully identified over safety concerns. 'They're trying to understand what happens after this. So what I've been offering them is that this isn't how things are going to be forever, that there's power in community.'
Conversations like the one in Josefina's dining room are unfolding across the Los Angeles region, as families with undocumented members grapple with fraught questions pushed to the fore by the Trump administration's chaotic crackdown on what he has called a 'Migrant Invasion.'
Could mom be arrested? What happens if dad can't go to work? These and other queries are sparking excruciating — and potentially life-altering — discussions centered on planning for the possible deportation of a family member.
Parents are often conflicted about how much to tell their children — even when dealing with ordinary issues. But the intense anguish some feel at this moment has exacerbated the dilemma.
Child psychologists and counselors said children should be brought into the fold for these crucial conversations in age-appropriate ways. Doing so, said licensed clinical social worker Yessenia O. Aguirre, will help kids reckon with a moment suffused with anxiety.
'I would counsel people to have the conversations from early on,' said Aguirre, who is co-developing a coloring book for parents to help them navigate fears and anxieties related to immigration. 'Kids can know about real dangers and still have a joyous childhood. We don't have to protect our kids from things they are already going to hear from the news, social media, and from just going to school.'
If there was ever a week in which children might have heard about issues related to immigration, it was this past one in L.A.
Aggressive sweeps by ICE were met with fierce resistance by protesters and others beginning June 6. A Home Depot in Paramount became a flash point after border patrol agents began massing there early on June 7. Eventually, the scene erupted, with demonstrators clashing with authorities, leading to multiple arrests. The episode was one of the triggers that led the Trump administration to deploy National Guard troops to L.A. over the objections of Gov. Gavin Newsom.
ICE forays deep into neighborhoods have continued, sparking new outrage. On Wednesday, The Times reported that a 9-year-old Torrance Elementary School student and his father were deported to Honduras.
The cascading events have made it a profoundly uncertain time for immigrant families. And that can spawn anxiety, said psychologist Melissa Brymer, a director at the UCLA-Duke National Center for Child Traumatic Stress.
But there are, she said, simple actions parents can take to help children, such as organizing a comforting family meal or arranging for other relatives to check in on a youngster to increase their sense of security. Even asking kids if they are getting a good night's sleep can spark a wider discussion about how they are faring.
'Kids are usually willing to talk about it from a sleep perspective,' Brymer said.
Crowded around the dining room table, Josefina and her husband told their children that they would decide whether he'd return to work by Friday.
Even though the kids were now part of the conversation, it was still going to be the adults' decision. They had to weigh the risk of a workplace raid and the husband's possible arrest against the financial implications of losing a vital source of income. The family was trying to save money to pay for a legal defense, Josefina said, should her husband be detained.
'We don't have the money to be like, 'Oh yeah, quit your job,'' Josefina said.
Until the teenagers overheard their conversation, Josefina hoped they knew enough to draw comfort from the family's plans. She said, for example, that the kids know what to do if ICE officers come to their house and which lawyers to call if their father is detained.
That, experts said, is the right instinct. Aguirre said that preteens and teenagers 'pick up on our moods,' and may understand more than parents realize. 'They are sensing our anxiety, they are looking at our behaviors,' she said. 'They may want to listen in and see what's underneath if we aren't speaking up.'
When broaching a tough topic, older kids should be given 'space to vent,' Aguirre said, and parents should resist the urge to immediately tell their children not to be scared or worry. Instead, they can empathize, telling them, 'It makes sense — we are all so scared.'
Parents can also convey that they have a plan, and clue the kids in on it. 'At that age,' Aguirre said of teenagers, 'it is more of a family dynamic — where they are included.'
Some scenarios — such as detainment of a parent — are dark. But kids should be made aware of them, Brymer said. 'I think it's truly important that we talk to kids about potential separation,' she said. 'Kids are worried about that, and so let's make sure we talk it over with them. How may a potential separation impact them?'
As for Josefina's family, they decided that her husband — who immigrated from Mexico when he was in elementary school about 40 years ago — would return to work. 'He decided, 'I still have a responsibility, and I still want to help provide,'' she said.
For their 15-year-old daughter, having a plan has made her feel safer.
'I feel like out of my whole family, I'm the least afraid of the stuff that's happening,' she said. 'I think it's because I have hope in our people in L.A.'
Ana's son was set to graduate from eighth grade on Tuesday, and amid the ongoing ICE sweeps, her family had wrestled with whether to attend the celebration at his Mid-Wilshire area school.
Her husband is an undocumented immigrant from Mexico. And she is a recipient of the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program, the 2012 policy that provides protection from deportation to immigrants without lawful status who came to the U.S. as children. The program has been the focus of a lengthy legal challenge and could eventually be ruled illegal.
Their 14-year-old son knew the stakes.
'He understands what's happening — that there are arrests,' Ana said.
Still, the family decided to attend the graduation. Even so, on the morning of the event, their son wanted to revisit the decision, asking his parents if they were comfortable with it. He even suggested they could watch the ceremony from home on a livestream the school had arranged.
'I told him, 'No, we're going to accompany you,'' Ana said. 'And we did. In the end it was worth it to be with him and applaud his successes.'
Experts could understand her decision. Maintaining a sense of normalcy — when it is safe to do so — helps kids stay on an even keel. Brymer recommends encouraging them to continue to go to school and summer activities if possible, and to participate in their typical social events.
'Kids do better with routines,' she said. 'They should be allowed to play and interact.'
Aguirre, however, noted that children crave 'a sense of safety and connection with loved ones' more than they desire a 'sense of normalcy.' She added: 'It might not be the best time to keep that normalcy — that puts a lot of pressure on parents.'
If attending a public event or milestone celebration presents a big risk, Aguirre said, parents might consider opting out, and making plans to ensure their presence is felt from afar.
'Prep the child ahead of time and say, 'We are not able to physically be there, but we are so proud of this accomplishment,'' Aguirre said. She said parents might tell their child, 'We are going to ask [a friend at the event] to blow this whistle, and when they blow it, know that we are there.'
'For eighth-graders, there would be heartache around not having parents there, but I can also imagine if anything were to happen, they would feel a lot of guilt,' Aguirre said.
On the day of Ana's son's graduation, the school auditorium opened hours early, so that families did not have to wait on the sidewalk. But the celebration was bittersweet, she said. Fear was palpable among both the students and the crowd. And familiar faces were absent.
'It's a little hard to face sometimes,' Ana said. 'But at the same time we have to be with them in these important moments in life.'
Paige and her 8- and 11-year-old daughters stood in front of Long Beach Civic Center on Tuesday evening, alongside roughly 400 other protesters.
They chanted slogans near the Port Headquarters building amid signs and swirling American and Mexican flags. 'Seeking safety is NOT a crime,' one sign read. 'Humans are not illegal,' said another.
The family isn't new to protesting. Paige and both daughters took to the streets in 2020 after George Floyd's murder sparked outrage. But this time the issue is personal: The girls' father is an undocumented Mexican immigrant.
'Now that it's impacting our family significantly, it's a bit harder for her,' Paige said of her younger daughter. 'She's fighting for her family.'
Paige is separated from the girls' father, and he lives elsewhere. It's been difficult for the kids to spend nights apart from him, she said. To allay their worries, he's stayed over a couple of nights. And attending the protest provided additional comfort, because it showed the children that they were part of a supportive community.
In times of crisis, giving kids the chance to express themselves by participating in the moment helps them process their feelings, Brymer said.
'People are out protesting because they love their culture, and they're trying to advocate for their rights and for rights of' others, she said.
But participating doesn't necessarily have to mean protesting, which may not feel appropriate for some, Aguirre said. Instead, children can help in other ways, such as helping to deliver groceries for a vulnerable neighbor, she said.
It's important, Brymer said, to acknowledge that children 'really want to be those agents of change.'
Sequeira reports for The Times' early childhood education initiative, focusing on the learning and development of California children from birth to age 5. For more information about the initiative and its philanthropic funders, go to latimes.com/earlyed.