QUENTIN LETTS: What a day for the Chancellor to be away... she's in a scrap with Rayner, then PM does the dirty!
Sir Keir Starmer made (or, to be strictly accurate, read off his notes) a joke about Nigel Farage being away on holiday; there was, however, a more glaring absence from the chamber during PMQs.
Where was the Chancellor, Rachel Reeves? Her customary position next to Sir Keir was occupied by Yvette Cooper, radiating all her customary gaiety.
Home Secretary Yvette was looking so glum, I initially mistook her for Dame Nia Griffith, the infamously cheerless equalities minister.
It was an unfortunate day for Ms Reeves to be away at a G7 finance ministers' meeting in Canada. The morning had already brought her a triple dose of setbacks.
An unexpected jump in inflation coincided with news that she and the deputy PM, Angela Rayner, were having a fight over more taxes.
Then came a wonky TV news clip of Ms Reeves in which her voice was played at the wrong speed. This made her sound like Pinky or Perky. Chancellors do not like being laughed at.
On top of all this, Sir Keir did the dirty on her. In his first answer of the session he signalled a rethink about the winter fuel payment cuts.
A stronger Chancellor would have insisted on making that announcement herself. Instead, with Sir Keir performing the U-turn, it looked as if No 10 Downing Street was forcing its will on an errant No 11.
Ms Reeves had been at the despatch box just 23 hours earlier for Treasury questions. Why did she not make this announcement then?
The opposition benches emitted a long 'ah-ha!' when Sir Keir unveiled his U-turn. Cabinet ministers adopted impenetrable expressions.
At such a moment it is dangerous to nod, for that might be interpreted as 'thank goodness the idiot has finally seen sense'. Jonathan Reynolds, Trade Secretary, went particularly still.
If No 10 has indeed put the black spot on Ms Reeves, might missing-Romanov-lookalike Mr Reynolds be a beneficiary?
Kemi Badenoch, markedly sparkier, reacted to the U-turn news by weaving questions about it into her prepared sally on the economy.
Mrs Badenoch again had to endure prolonged abuse from the Labour benches – at one point I saw Blackpool South's not entirely intellectual Chris Webb flicking a rude gesture at her.
She took on her taunters, observing that plenty of Labour backbenchers were looking unhappy. They responded with theatrical, Brian Blessed-style laughter. Mrs B did not flinch.
'They're laughing just as they laughed at the Budget,' she said. That quietened their frenzy. Then she asked, 'hands up here who wanted winter fuel cuts'. No one raised a paw.
As for Ms Rayner, she blushed and jiggled her legs when Mrs Badenoch jested about her feud with Ms Reeves. It must be true, then.
Sir Keir, all turkey-voiced and panicky when trying to defend his economic record, had a better moment when Reform's Lee Anderson (Ashfield) entered the fray.
Big Lee mentioned immigration but Sir Keir was keener to discuss the temporary emigration of Mr Anderson's boss Nigel Farage, who was playing truant in France on holiday.
'He was first through the e-gates,' said Sir Keir. 'Nice work if you can get it.' He pronounced Nice as in the French riviera town.
Few laughed louder at Mr Farage's expense than Reform's Richard Tice.
Then a low moment. Paul Holmes (Con, Hamble Valley) said a six-year-old constituent called Teddy was in the Strangers' Gallery.
Teddy was 'a self-professed eco warrior on a mission to change the world', not least by recycling sweetie wrappers.
Any sketchwriter, on hearing such pap, thinks 'what an insufferable little squirt – spare us another Greta Thunberg'.
Politicians are wired differently. They go all gooey. Sir Keir said Teddy was 'really incredible' and he would ensure that the child had a meeting with the relevant minister.
Dear God, let it not be Scary Bridget Phillipson, or Teddy will be scarred for life.
Scores of MPs turned their heads like sunflowers and waved – helloooo! – to Teddy in the gallery. Even Yvette did this. Aieee, that smile was grisly.
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