This attack on Nigel Farage is Labour's most pathetic yet

Telegraph

3 days ago

What would life actually be like, under a Reform government? In recent weeks, senior Labour figures have taken to issuing us with ever more terrifying warnings.
According to Sir Keir Starmer, your mortgage would go through the roof. According to Wes Streeting, you'd have to pay £20,000 for a hip op. According to Angela Rayner, horrible men would post nude photos of your daughter all over the internet. And according to Peter Kyle, the Science Secretary, your grandchildren would be cyberstalked by the reanimated corpse of Jimmy Savile.
On Sunday, however, Labour issued its most chilling warning yet. In short: if you put Nigel Farage in Downing Street, you'll no longer be able to eat fish and chips.
That, at any rate, is the horrifying vision conjured by Bill Esterson, who has been the Labour MP for Sefton Central since 2010. He says that, if a Reform government ditches Labour's net zero schemes, the temperature of the seas around Britain will soar – causing our terror-stricken cod to flee for cooler waters. This, he grimly intones, could mean we 'lose our nation's favourite dish once and for all'.
I'm sure Sir Keir will be grateful for Mr Esterson's efforts. I fear, however, that the wider electorate may not find them entirely persuasive.
For one thing, voters may actually be aware that the overwhelming majority of the cod we eat doesn't come from British waters. Of the 115,000 tons we consume each year, 85,000 tons is imported from other countries, primarily Iceland, Norway and, believe it or not, China. So even if Mr Farage were to convert the English Channel into the world's largest hot tub, there is no reason to fear that your local chip shop will be reduced to serving deep-fried goldfish.
Secondly, voters may also know that Britain is responsible for less than one per cent of global carbon emissions. Which means that, even if Mr Farage were to go Full Greta and achieve net zero within his first week in office, the effect on global temperatures would be negligible at best. He could stick a wind turbine in every field, garden and windowbox in the land, and the planet's cod community would be no likelier to say, 'Let's all move to Britain – I hear it's wonderfully chilly this time of year.'
Perhaps the biggest problem with Mr Esterson's argument, however, is as follows. According to the chip shop industry's own representative body, the National Federation of Fish Fryers, the Government's net zero drive won't save the great British chippy. On the contrary, it could kill it off. Speaking to the Telegraph in March, Andrew Crook, the NFFF's president, said that full electrification of chip shops was not 'feasible or affordable' – and complained that ministers 'don't understand the fish and chip industry'. No one could accuse Mr Crook of having an anti-Labour agenda, either – because he added that he himself is a member of the Labour party.
On the whole, therefore, I doubt that Mr Esterson's warning will have much effect on the polls. But then, I doubt that any other warning will, either. Because the truth is, there's only one way the Government can see off the threat of Mr Farage – and that's by actually doing its job. Tackling crime, fixing the NHS, growing the economy, stopping the boats – things that would make the public say, 'Why should we vote Reform? Labour's running the country perfectly well as it is.'
Presumably, however, Sir Keir and co have concluded that such a scenario is so wildly implausible, they've got no alternative but to keep pumping out increasingly feverish fantasies about the hell of a Farage government. I look forward to seeing what they dream up next. Perhaps Reform would sell Trump your grandmother's smalls, or deport your German shepherd.
Nandy's trans troubles
Lisa Nandy, the Culture Secretary, has proudly published a photo of herself sporting a T-shirt emblazoned with the words 'Protect the Dolls'. This fashionable slogan is intended to express solidarity with trans women in their fight against those who refuse to accept that they're women, merely because they're male.
All the same, I can't help feeling that, if I were a trans woman, I would find the slogan quite hurtful. I'd think: 'What do you mean by calling me a 'doll'? A doll is a cheap plastic imitation whose appearance is based on a crude sexist stereotype of femininity. Are you saying that's what I am? How dare you, you hateful transphobic bigot!'
So, if Ms Nandy wishes to signal her commitment to the gender identity cause, I think she needs a slogan that is less problematic. I suggest: 'Protect the Women Who Are Just as Much Women as Any Other Woman, Even if Protecting the Former Type of Woman Undermines Protections for the Latter Type of Woman.'
A touch on the wordy side, I admit, but it would at least show that, in ideological terms, she's fully on board.
Way of the World is a twice-weekly satirical look at the headlines aiming to mock the absurdities of the modern world. It is published at 6am every Tuesday and Saturday