‘My 10-year-old is being ostracised by her group of friends. Should I email the other parents?'
Question
My 10-year-old girl is being excluded in school. She had a group of five friends (including a best friend who she has known since she was a toddler) and all was fine until about two years ago when another girl joined the group and started to try to push my girl out.
There was a couple of incidents in the yard where she was physically pushing my daughter away from the group. I tried to speak to the girl's mother, but that did not go well and she was really defensive. We eventually told the teacher, who seemed to sort things out in the yard. From that time, this girl (and her mother) has not forgiven my daughter and has been excluding her.
Last week we discovered that the group had been arranging outings without including my daughter. Even her original best friend has been involved in this and the other girl now says she is now the best friend and they don't talk to my daughter in the yard. My daughter is obviously very upset about this, and I am very angry about how she is being treated.
We met the teacher and the principal and she said she would do a workshop with the class on friendships and include everyone. I don't know if this is enough.
READ MORE
My husband and I are wondering about emailing the other parents on the group to explain what is going on and how our girl is being treated. We have also wondered about changing our daughter's class as she has two friends in another class (who she knows from GAA) but that would be disruptive to my daughter when she is the victim of all of this. My daughter is particularly upset at the loss of her best friend.
One of the other mothers confided to us that she thinks the whole friendship group has become a bit 'toxic'. What actions should we take to help our daughter?
Answer
Being excluded from a friendship group you belonged to can be very hurtful, and your daughter has experienced the added pain of losing a best friend in the process. You are right to take your time to think how to respond. As you have discovered, contacting other
parents
can sometimes escalate friendship disputes (unless you know the other parents well and do this in a very sensitive manner). In my experience, parents get very defensive with any mention that their child might be a bully, and frequently parents get sucked into their children's disputes. As a result a letter to all the parents might make things worse.
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Bullying: School days can be the best days of your life – but what about when they're not?
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While most schoolchildren organise themselves in large friendship groups, these can easily become toxic and exclusionary as young children don't have the social skills to manage conflicts and frequently behave in a 'mean way' towards each other. The peak age for friendship disputes is about 10-13 before the children start to mature and learn better social skills.
How you can help you daughter?
The first step is to support your daughter emotionally. Acknowledge how hard it can be if you feel excluded and how painful it can feel if a 'best friend' starts spending more time with another child. However, be careful about over-reacting and being angry on her behalf. Instead, try to give your daughter perspective. Explain how friendships can move on and change, and children become closer to different children at different times. Explain that though children are sometimes mean and behave badly, this doesn't mean there is anything wrong with your daughter and that she deserves to be with good friends who treat her well.
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'Mum, I'm so lonely at school. Nobody speaks to me all day'
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Explore ways forward
The next step is to explore solutions with your daughter. If the group dynamic is toxic, would it help to arrange one-to-one play dates with your daughter individually?
You could support her on an outing with the original best friend or in a threesome with another girl in the group. However, it is also worth considering whether it is best for your daughter to 'move on' and to build friendships outside the group? In that instance, you could help her identify other children in the class who might be potential friends as well as supporting her connections with the two GAA friends from the other class.
In my experience the best approach is not to do anything dramatic such as completely breaking off contact. Instead I encourage children to pull back their energy from the friendship they are hurt by (but to not burn bridges in the process) and in parallel to focus on building new connections, enjoying new activities and seeking new friendships.
Work with the school
Continue to work positively with the school about the issue. The workshop on friendship might help the class be more inclusive. Also, the teacher may be able to help you identify other potential friendships for your daughter in the class as well as supporting her to make these connections. The teacher may also be able to subtly manage classroom dynamics and particularly yard time so your daughter feels more included.
Structured activities, pairing children creatively in projects, changing the class set up etc can all help move things on.
John Sharry
is clinical director of the
Parents Plus Charity
and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology.
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