'Jeremy Corbyn's new party could be called Palestine Inaction - it has a certain ring to it'
It's a difficult thing, picking a name for a political party.
Labour arose from the trade union movement, which arose from the Chartists, and you can probably draw a line all the way back to the Peasants' Revolt. Yet its current membership, political leaders and voters have soft, white hands that have never laboured at much more than picking their noses.
The Conservatives, if their name is accurate, want to keep things the same as they've always been. Only they've just presided over Brexit, the biggest constitutional, social and economic upheaval since the Dissolution of the Monasteries. The Greens would be better known as the Rainbow Flag Warriors, the Liberal Democrats should really call themselves Combined Watersports and have done with it, and Reform UK is, well, more like Nigel Enterprises Ltd.
Thanks to Jeremy Corbyn this is all about to get much harder, because he wants us ALL to have a go at naming the party he's setting up after finally splitting from Labour, which of course split from him some time ago.
The obvious one, is therefore, Splitty McSplitface, in honour of the Great British Public's penchant for ridiculing the whole idea of voting for names of things which already ought to know what they're called.
We could go with Peace, Love, & Understanding, but with his back catalogue of internal party rows it'd have the sketchwriters cackling with glee. Better, perhaps, to go with something less likely to highlight one's own failings, and points the finger instead at others. Calling the new party Keir Starmer's Not Very Good At This, Is He, would thoroughly tickle the nation's toes every time they issued a press release.
If, on the other hand, Jezza really wants to cause the government a headache, he could opt for Palestine Inaction - having just declared its near-namesake a terror group, it would highlight the tectonic slowness of the official response to the horrors of Gaza, and at the same time make Home Secretary Yvette Cooper spit staples. It's certainly got a ring to it.
If that's just a little too terrorist-y, there's always highlighting the authoritarian decision to outlaw environmentalists for the terrible crime of sitting down in inconvenient places. Must Stop Oil, Action on Sofas, Greenpolice: they're are all there for the taking.
If he really wants to clean up British politics and lead a Left-wing insurgency, he could try calling it Reformed Reform UK. Although it's possible that the Electoral Commission will throw it out for being too similar to another party, and it'd have to be tweaked to Deformed UK. That probably wouldn't sell so well at the ballot box.
Perhaps Jeremy has no interest in attacking other parties, and still has his head in the allotment. In which case, a name like Courgettes Have Feelings Too could be on the shortlist, along with Potato Justice and Co-Operative Jam Making.
There is no substitute for making sure your party is of the now, ahead of the zeitgeist and with its finger on the pulse of what people really want. In which case, for broad media coverage and general public approval, the best name might well be Publish The Epstein Files, Ya Big Pervert.
But let's be honest - the entire point of this party is not to win general elections, which Jeremy has twice proven is beyond him, nor to appeal to a broad church of otherwise-disaffected Britons. Because if he was capable of that, he wouldn't have lost.
The only reason that he and fellow purgatory-adjacent MP Zarah Sultana have set up a new party is to cause problems for Labour, to split the vote, unbalance a centrist leadership, and give themselves a home they won't be evicted from for their host of unwelcome views, friends, and habits.
And so there is only one possible name that will suit. One name, one vision: to piss off Keir. Which is why, Britain, when you are asked to come up with a title for the new iteration of Corbynmania, you must baptise it 'New Labour Ego Trip'. For nothing else comes close.
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'They kidnapped my eight-year-old daughter for 50 days, murdered my ex-wife along with one hundred of my friends… and this is the result? Incredible.' Sir Ephraim Mirvis, Chief Rabbi of the UK, said the move 'fundamentally undermines the cause of peace and security for Palestinians and Israelis alike'. Lawyer Adam Rose, who represents the families of seven hostages with British links, warned: 'The families are deeply concerned that the hostages have been made a bargaining chip by the UK.' Steve Brisley, whose British sister Lianne Sharabi and nieces Noiya, 16, and Yahel, 13, were murdered by Hamas while their father Eli was taken hostage, said: 'I am absolutely shocked … that it is not a clear precondition to any discussion about support for a state of Palestine that Hamas releases all the hostages.' In a post on X, the Israeli PM said: 'Appeasement towards jihadist terrorists always fails. It will fail you too. It will not happen' While Sir Keir reiterated his calls for Hamas to free the hostages, he did not explicitly say this is required for recognising Palestinian statehood. Pressed on this, Transport Secretary Heidi Alexander said: 'This isn't about Hamas. This is about delivering for the Palestinian people and making sure that we can get aid in.' Q&A What does the recognition mean? It is largely a symbolic step that would placate many Labour MPs while angering Israel and the US. But it would enhance Palestinians' international standing by acknowledging their right to self-determination. In practical terms, it would allow the establishment of full diplomatic relations with a Palestinian ambassador in London, where there is currently merely a mission to the UK, and a British counterpart in Palestine. Where would the borders be? The UK has not spelled out what it would consider to be the territory of the new state. Palestinians want control over the areas they lived in before the Six-Day War of 1967 when Israel defeated a coalition of Arab countries to seize the Golan Heights, the West Bank including East Jerusalem, and the Sinai Peninsula and Gaza Strip. The proposed capital would be in East Jerusalem, which is occupied by Israel. As well as opposing the two-state solution, Israel is increasing the size of Jewish settlements in occupied territories. Why has Starmer announced it now? He has come under increasing pressure from Labour backbenchers and even members of his Cabinet to act as conditions in Gaza have worsened. Emmanuel Macron's announcement last week that France would recognise Palestine in September at the UN General Assembly in New York made it even harder for Sir Keir to resist. He may also have taken heart from Donald Trump's failure to object when they met in Scotland this week. What are the conditions? Sir Keir said he will make the move unless Israel takes 'substantive steps' to end the 'appalling situation' in Gaza, agrees to a ceasefire, commits to a sustainable peace and allows the UN to restart the supply of aid. Hamas has been urged to release the remaining hostages, sign up to a ceasefire and accept it will not play a part in the running of Gaza. Will all these conditions be met? The Government will assess progress by Israel and Hamas in September. However, peace talks between the two ended last week without any progress, while Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu opposes the two-state solution to which Sir Keir wants him to commit. Therefore, it is likely that the UK will recognise the Palestinian state in September.
