The Midults: I slept with my male best friend – but I don't fancy him
Dear A&E,
I slept with my best male friend (we were a bit drunk) and it was a terrible idea because I do not actually fancy him but he has brought up 'giving it a go' with me. Then I slept with him again because the sex is really, really great (the best I've ever had) even though I still don't fancy him – which is weird. I know it's a stupid idea to keep getting a bit drunk and having sex with him but I'm finding it hard to resist and I feel guilty and confused about how to navigate this. I truly love him and don't want to hurt him or lose him.
– Licentious
Dear Licentious,
Interesting times, your end. Gosh, our 20s can be wilderness years, can't they? Some seem miraculously able to get themselves sorted romantically, financially, emotionally with little fuss, while others of us (no less kind or capable) flail about, wrecking everything and – hopefully – learning about ourselves and other human beings along the way.
There are, to us, two stand-out phrases in your letter (edited above): ' the best sex I've ever had ' and 'I truly love him'. Then there's the self-confessed weirdness of the situation: 'I still don't fancy him'. No wonder you are confused. And he is not some random bloke, so there is jeopardy (and, perhaps, promise) woven through the fabric of your conundrum.
You say you don't fancy him. Maybe this is worth examining more deeply because, even though you don't fancy him in theory, it seems that you do in practice. We can get stuck in our attitudes towards people and we would often do well to take pause and re-assess because we change. They change. The world changes. This has thrown up an opportunity – a necessity, really – for you to check in with yourself regarding what this relationship means to you; its limitations and its potentialities. As you get older it can get harder to know if you desire someone when you first meet them and, sometimes, if you have an overwhelming sexual response to a person it can prove to be a warning sign.
A blazing sex fire that ignites within you the moment a person walks into the room is not necessarily a sign that you are meant to be with them. Odd and counterintuitive and annoying though that can be. And so we develop a kind of suck-it-and see litmus test. We date. We like them. We test drive. We test drive a few more times. And then we have more information regarding the connection and we decide whether we meaningfully step into that story. Well, Licentious, you got a bit tipsy and put your floor through the floor and found a few things out along the way, didn't you? You have fantastic sex with him. And fantastic sex tends to be about more than technique and friction. It tends to be about connection. You truly love him. This has the ingredients for something that could be quite big. But also quite sad. Should it go wrong.
Why don't you fancy him? Is there something that really repulses you or is that just a decision that you made way back when? Is he, somehow, not what you thought you'd date. Is he taller, shorter, geekier, artier, more-reserved, less confident than the boyfriend template you held in your mind's eye? Is it that he's incredibly nice to you and available which makes him less interesting? Have a word with yourself and take this seriously. We do not want you flouncing off into the wide blue yonder, only to realise, latterly, that you have broken your own heart.
You don't want to risk hurting him or losing him. You are quite far down the line with this risk already. 'No strings' is not an option. There are strings. There is a whole cobweb of shared history and friendship and camaraderie. Pretending that none of this has happened won't work. Continuing to sleep with him while pretending it doesn't mean anything won't work. In short, pretending won't work.
This has relationship written all over it. It also has disaster written all over it. But that is the nature of human interaction. Run the calculations. Ask yourself how you would feel if he announced, tomorrow, that he had met someone. Consider your options. Do not open this up to your friendship group and make a decision by committee. You are entitled to a private life.
And, if you decide that you do not fancy him and cannot take this further, talk to him. Tell him you love him too much to risk your friendship. Or that you do not feel you can 'give it a go' at this point in your life. And this probably means that you cannot have a drink anywhere near him and should put a warning by his name, on your phone, saying 'do NOT message.' Because good sex has a narcotic quality that makes it hard to resist.
Or you go gently forwards with this. Quietly and honestly. Whichever path you choose, make sure he is fully aware of where you stand at all times. The greatest risk is a betrayal of trust. You may feel as though you have all the power but that will not be the case forever. By treating him with the utmost respect you will simultaneously be respecting yourself and laying down a blueprint for the way you conduct yourself in this world. And that has huge value.
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