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USA Today
11 hours ago
- Politics
- USA Today
Forget DC. We've got rabbits with tentacles the National Guard needs to fight.
I'm not an expert on pending apocalypses, but I have a hunch that 'rabbits with tentacles' and 'radioactive wasps' might be nature's way of telling us to buckle the (expletive) up. I have a question for our so-called government: Why has the National Guard been sent to Washington, DC, to combat a make-believe crime wave when America is facing a literal invasion of tentacled rabbits and radioactive wasps? An Aug.13 headline right here in USA TODAY read: 'Rabbits with 'tentacles' spotted in Colorado. Are they OK?' No. No, they are not OK, and neither are we, because last time I checked, BUNNIES DON'T HAVE TENTACLES! Rabbits with tentacles and radioactive wasps. What could go wrong? Two weeks ago, CNN had this headline: 'Radioactive wasp nest found at site where US once made nuclear bombs.' Oh. Radioactive wasps, you say? Found near an old nuclear weapons plant? That sounds like a totally normal thing we should ignore. Look, I'm not an expert on pending apocalypses or a proven spotter of signs of the end-times, but I have a hunch that 'rabbits with tentacles' and 'radioactive wasps' might be nature's way of telling us to buckle the (expletive) up. Ignoring our tentacled rabbit crisis, Trump sends National Guard to DC And how is the current administration addressing our pending wasp-ageddon? By not doing a darn thing. The president is apparently too busy dispatching armed soldiers to the nation's capital because a government employee who calls himself Big Balls claims he was beaten up by children. (Google it.) Opinion: Trump ushers in new DC tourist event: 'A Live Re-creation of Authoritarianism!' Life in America is unfolding like a rejected screenplay for a spinoff of 'The Walking Dead,' and I, for one, am not looking forward to death-by-rabbit-tentacle. When the government tells you not to worry about bunnies, worry The Colorado bunnies in question, according to a New York Times report, have 'black spikes growing on their heads, tentacles protruding from their mouths and sluglike growths blocking their eyes.' Totally normal. Totally cool. Colorado Parks and Wildlife spokeswoman Kara Van Hoose said the bunnies have something called cottontail rabbit papillomavirus, which can't spread to humans. What I found notable about that comment is that Van Hoose failed to say whether the infected bunnies can use their mouth tentacles to grab humans by the face before exsanguinating them. That's certainly what I would do if I were a rabbit with mouth tentacles. Please disregard the radioactive wasps. Everything is fine. In South Carolina, near the facility where the radioactive wasps were found, the so-called experts tried to paint a similarly calm portrait of the looming nuclear-wasp crisis. Opinion alerts: Get columns from your favorite columnists + expert analysis on top issues, delivered straight to your device through the USA TODAY app. Don't have the app? Download it for free from your app store. Edwin Deshong, manager of the U.S. Department of Energy's Savannah River Operations Office, told The Times in a statement that his agency is 'managing the discovery of four wasp nests with very low levels of radioactive contamination,' saying the wasps 'do not pose a health risk' to 'the community, or the environment.' That's generally the last thing a person hears before getting murdered by a radioactive wasp. We need our National Guard focused on bunnies and wasps Look, if there's one thing the Trump administration has taught me, it's not to trust the government. So if you think I'm going to read news stories about nuclear-powered wasp menaces and freak rabbits with tentacles and black spikes growing out of their heads and think everything is hunky dory, think again. Opinion: I'm glad Trump is focused on nonexistent DC crime wave, not his campaign promises I believe the government is trying to distract us from our pending annihilation at the hands (paws? stingers?) of bloodthirsty bunnies and wasps by claiming crime in DC is out of control. Don't buy it, folks. We must demand our National Guard troops be sent where they are actually needed. Not to the National Mall or the streets of DC, where the leading crime lately is assault with a foot-long sandwich, but to the ravaged tentacle-bunny lands of Colorado and the toxic wasp swamps of South Carolina. This is serious. At least as serious as what's happening in Washington, DC. Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @ and on Facebook at You can read diverse opinions from our USA TODAY columnists and other writers on the Opinion front page, on X, formerly Twitter, @usatodayopinion and in our Opinion newsletter.
The Herald Scotland
a day ago
- Politics
- The Herald Scotland
Trump deploys National Guard to DC to bully Black people
This action and whatever else might follow is deeply personal to the 700,000 people who call the District of Columbia home and who are tired of the meddling from the administration and Capitol Hill politicians who treat our city like a play toy, likely because of our history as a majority Black jurisdiction. Home to a federal government that offers well-paying positions, Washington has attracted Black professionals and blue-collar workers, creating one of the largest Black middle-class populations in the country. We've innovated with affordable housing, invested flush tax revenue in education and implemented a slew of smart labor and justice policies. There's a real city beyond what the tourists know Many Americans don't know this story. They think Washington starts and ends with memorials, museums and monuments. The residential and commercial city is often invisible as a thriving metropolis in its own right, with a deep history and a vibrant culture. Share your opinion: In the wake of Trump's federal DC takeover, are you worried about crime? Tell us. | Opinion Forum Not only have we outshined many of our peer cities, but states, too. DC has a population comparable to Vermont, Alaska and North Dakota, but a budget larger than Arizona's. Residents pay the equivalent of state taxes. DC balances its budget every year, manages a highly functioning mass transit system and employs thousands in jobs that DC residents do with great pride. Still, the way congressional politicians treat us would have our red state friends up in arms if it were done to them. This summer, as the result of a so-called error, Congress withheld more than $1 billion from our approved budget, and that money remains out of our reach - instead of providing the services that our citizens voted and paid for. Opinion: Trump ushers in new DC tourist event - 'A Live Re-creation of Authoritarianism!' The Republican budget proposal for the next fiscal year includes all kinds of culture war initiatives in an attempt to impose conservative values on the more sensible and moderate residents of DC. We're tired of being the punching bag for politicians who wouldn't last a week living under the policies they impose on us. It's as dishonest as it is insulting. Opinion alerts: Get columns from your favorite columnists + expert analysis on top issues, delivered straight to your device through the USA TODAY app. Don't have the app? Download it for free from your app store. So much of what this administration and Congress do is informed by their stated orthodoxy around local control and "rights." That somehow doesn't apply to us. DC needs statehood, not a federal takeover Fortunately, the president and Congress can't truly "take over" Washington without ending home rule, which would be difficult to do with the Senate filibuster blocking them. But the president can fearmonger through state-sanctioned violence. And he can use Washington as the test run for the federal takeover of Black and Brown cities daring to oppose this administration's death-dealing politics. We will not accept death. Washington, DC, has proved our right to self-governance and, indeed, statehood. Instead of forcing us to manage a manufactured crisis, elected officials who believe in democracy in earnest should let DC leaders spend our energy on building a more successful and safe city that must become the 51st state. William H. Lamar IV is the pastor at the Metropolitan AME Church in Washington, DC.
USA Today
2 days ago
- Politics
- USA Today
Trump is a bully. He's using the National Guard to conquer DC as a test run.
The District of Columbia should be allowed statehood, not forced to endure deployment of the National Guard to stop an imagined crime wave. President Donald Trump's activation of the National Guard in Washington, DC, has less to do with an imagined 'out of control' crime wave and more to do with conquest. It is more misguided bullying by the president. To facilitate this racialized farce, he dehumanized the capital district's citizens by labeling them 'bloodthirsty criminals' and 'roving mobs of wild youth.' Let there be no mistake: This rhetoric portends violence against Black, Brown and poor citizens and complete disdain for the unhoused. This action and whatever else might follow is deeply personal to the 700,000 people who call the District of Columbia home and who are tired of the meddling from the administration and Capitol Hill politicians who treat our city like a play toy, likely because of our history as a majority Black jurisdiction. Home to a federal government that offers well-paying positions, Washington has attracted Black professionals and blue-collar workers, creating one of the largest Black middle-class populations in the country. We've innovated with affordable housing, invested flush tax revenue in education and implemented a slew of smart labor and justice policies. There's a real city beyond what the tourists know Many Americans don't know this story. They think Washington starts and ends with memorials, museums and monuments. The residential and commercial city is often invisible as a thriving metropolis in its own right, with a deep history and a vibrant culture. Share your opinion: In the wake of Trump's federal DC takeover, are you worried about crime? Tell us. | Opinion Forum Not only have we outshined many of our peer cities, but states, too. DC has a population comparable to Vermont, Alaska and North Dakota, but a budget larger than Arizona's. Residents pay the equivalent of state taxes. DC balances its budget every year, manages a highly functioning mass transit system and employs thousands in jobs that DC residents do with great pride. Still, the way congressional politicians treat us would have our red state friends up in arms if it were done to them. This summer, as the result of a so-called error, Congress withheld more than $1 billion from our approved budget, and that money remains out of our reach − instead of providing the services that our citizens voted and paid for. Opinion: Trump ushers in new DC tourist event − 'A Live Re-creation of Authoritarianism!' The Republican budget proposal for the next fiscal year includes all kinds of culture war initiatives in an attempt to impose conservative values on the more sensible and moderate residents of DC. We're tired of being the punching bag for politicians who wouldn't last a week living under the policies they impose on us. It's as dishonest as it is insulting. Opinion alerts: Get columns from your favorite columnists + expert analysis on top issues, delivered straight to your device through the USA TODAY app. Don't have the app? Download it for free from your app store. So much of what this administration and Congress do is informed by their stated orthodoxy around local control and 'rights.' That somehow doesn't apply to us. DC needs statehood, not a federal takeover Fortunately, the president and Congress can't truly 'take over' Washington without ending home rule, which would be difficult to do with the Senate filibuster blocking them. But the president can fearmonger through state-sanctioned violence. And he can use Washington as the test run for the federal takeover of Black and Brown cities daring to oppose this administration's death-dealing politics. We will not accept death. Washington, DC, has proved our right to self-governance and, indeed, statehood. Instead of forcing us to manage a manufactured crisis, elected officials who believe in democracy in earnest should let DC leaders spend our energy on building a more successful and safe city that must become the 51st state. William H. Lamar IV is the pastor at the Metropolitan AME Church in Washington, DC. You can read diverse opinions from our USA TODAY columnists and other writers on the Opinion front page, on X, formerly Twitter, @usatodayopinion and in our Opinion newsletter.
