Latest news with #AmyMcCready
Yahoo
3 days ago
- General
- Yahoo
What Is Positive Parenting? The 4 Principles Parents Should Know
Positive parenting — many parents strive for it, but it doesn't just happen. Positive parenting is an intentional act that takes training and practice. While in a perfect world, parents would start positive parenting from their child's infancy, they often come to it after they've spent some time in crisis, said Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and author of 'The 'Me, Me, Me' Epidemic.' The reality is, McCready tells is people 'get more training making chicken sandwiches' for a restaurant job then anyone receives to be parents. As a result, parents 'default to gut reactions and often respond to behavior in ways that is not helpful.' Positive parenting, she said, is 'not a trend.' It's consistent and in the middle of the more extreme gentle parenting and authoritative parenting styles. 1. Behavior Is Communication — Even the 'Bad' Kind Positive parenting, McCready says, starts with the belief that 'all behavior is a form of communication.' What we often label as 'misbehavior' is really a symptom of a deeper need or missing skill. 'Understanding the 'why' behind behavior is the first step toward changing it,' she says. Three common issues are a need for connection, a need for control, and skill deficit, according to McCready. Connection: 'A child who whines, clings, or makes 82 bedtime requests may be saying, 'I feel disconnected. I need you to be fully present with me,'' she said. Power: 'Backtalk, defiance and constant push back often signal, 'I need more age-appropriate control over my world.'' Skill Deficit: 'Tantrums and sibling fights usually stem from underdeveloped emotional regulation or problem-solving skills, not willful disobedience,' McCready tells 2. Training and Problem-Solving — Not Punishment McCready says that instead of punishing children for behaviors they haven't yet learned to manage, positive parenting focuses on teaching skills and removing avoidable triggers. 'We ask: 'What skill hasn't this child yet learned? What support is needed?' Then we train proactively and problem-solve together — rather than wait for a meltdown to punish reactively,' she says. This approach builds capability, confidence and cooperation over time. 'No matter what's happening, connection and empathy always make a difference,' McCready says. 'It's the best first step even if it doesn't completely solve the problem.' 3. It's Not Fluffy or Permissive — Kids Still Experience Consequences Positive parenting isn't about every kid getting a trophy or letting kids call the shots. 'While some gentle parenting advocates suggest avoiding consequences altogether for fear they might damage the relationship or harm a child's self-esteem,' McCready says, 'positive parenting recognizes that for kids to learn real-world responsibility, accountability and cause-and-effect, kids must experience the natural consequences of their choices.' For example, if a child consistently refuses to follow the family's rules around technology, they may lose those privileges for a period of time. If they leave their school project at home, they may receive a lower grade. McCready points out, 'consequences in positive parenting are never harmful, shame-based, or punitive. They're respectful, clearly communicated ahead of time, and used as teachable moments—not tools for control or retaliation.' 4. It's Not Just About the Child — It's Also About the Parent An important piece of positive parenting is for parents to 'shift from controlling every behavior (of their children) to learning to control themselves.' It's about calming yourself before correcting your child, McCready says. 'It helps parents understand what they can control, like their tone, their follow-through, their expectations, and what they can't, like their child's every emotional reaction.' Ultimately, positive parenting supports parents in raising future adults — not just managing chaos in the moment, she says. What is gentle parenting? Parents ask kids to complete classic 'toxic parenting' phrases ... and the results are adorable All about attachment parenting This article was originally published on
Daily Mail
28-04-2025
- General
- Daily Mail
Parenting expert details the popular strategies that she would NEVER use... from allowance to time out
A parenting expert has shared the five popular methods that she'd never use with her own kids... from giving them allowance to sending them to time-out. Amy McCready, a mom-of-two who has been a parenting educator for over 15 years and is the author of two best-selling parenting books, recently spoke to the Today show about the often-used strategies by moms and dads that she believes may be doing more harm than good for kids. She explained that despite the methods being used in thousands of homes across the globe, she has found that they are actually 'not helpful' at all when it comes to the development of your child. 'These are the well-meaning but not-super-helpful parenting strategies I've worked to avoid in my home, and that I advise other parents to avoid as well,' she said. 'Of course, nobody's perfect, but if you can keep these to a minimum, you'll be better off in the long run.' Here are the five common parenting practices that she believes all moms and dads should avoid. Giving kids allowance in exchange for them completing chores First, Amy (seen with her sons) advised against ever giving your child money in exchange for doing chores, as she said it might be 'harming their work ethic' in the long run First, Amy advised against ever giving your child money in exchange for doing chores, as she said it might be 'harming their work ethic' in the long run. 'Under this type of system, kids grow up thinking that the only reason to complete a less-than-desirable task is for a reward,' she explained. 'The payout becomes an external motivator, when really we want to develop internal motivation in our kids stemming from a sense of goodwill, responsibility and perseverance.' Amy pointed out that kids will be more excited and willing to help out if they see chores as 'team work' and a 'valuable contribution to the family' rather than a 'transaction.' She added, 'Payment creates a system of entitlement that you don't want in your home.' Putting kids in time-out when they misbehave Amy explained that while putting a child in time-out if they cause trouble is an extremely 'popular' strategy, she believes it doesn't actually teach them to 'correct the problem.' 'The goal of any discipline technique should be training for better behavior while preserving a strong emotional attachment between parent and child,' shared the expert. 'Simply putting kids in a corner or on the naughty chair does nothing to correct the problem. 'Instead, it erodes a sense of connection and creates a power struggle that can lead to anger and exhaustion as the parent tries to physically keep a child in time-out.' She said time-outs often make kids think they're 'bad,' which will become their focus rather than what they actually did wrong. 'They'll act on that label instead of learning better behavior,' she added. 'Kids actually learn best when they maintain a secure emotional connection with a parent. 'When a child is misbehaving, it's much more effective to be present in the moment, to help them calm their body and emotions, and teach them the correct behavior to use in the future.' Labeling a child - even if it's a compliment Amy pointed out that parents often give their kids labels like 'the smart one, the good helper, or the troublemaker.' But she said these could be extremely damaging - even the positive ones - because they could 'set up a comparison or competition between kids.' 'When we label one child as 'the athletic one,' everyone else sees themselves as not very athletic,' she said. 'When we always ask our "helper" to pitch in, we rob our other kids of the opportunity to become better at helping and get the boost of confidence that comes from being needed.' She added that labels 'pigeonhole kids' and could 'discourage' them from trying new things. 'Finally, labels take the emphasis off of things like hard work, dedication and teamwork that actually produce the positive result (earning a good grade, scoring goals, etc.) in the first place,' shared Amy. Telling a child they have to finish their entire meal to get dessert Amy warned against using desserts as a bribe or telling kids they have to finish their entire plate of food before they get a sweet treat. She explained that sugary foods should be looked at in the same way as all other types of food as to not create unhealthy eating habits. 'Any type of coerced feeding - whether that's using bargaining, punishment, or any other method - is grounds for a mealtime power struggle that benefits no one,' she said. 'It takes the focus off fostering healthy eating habits and instead creates tension between parent and child. 'It also sets dessert up as the "reward" for eating the "less-desirable" food, like vegetables - not exactly the mindset we want our kids to grow up with.' Using spanking as a punishment Amy said she would never resort to spanking a child, and warned that it could encourage aggression and fracture your relationship. 'Research has shown that even the most well-intentioned swats can raise levels of aggression, encourage lying to avoid punishment, and erode the parent-child relationship,' she said. She said hitting could 'pit' your child against you, adding, 'They're in fight or flight mode, and definitely not open to learning positive behaviors for next time.' In the end, the parenting expert reminded moms and dads that 'no one is perfect.' 'But making a conscious effort to avoid these unhelpful strategies will go a long way toward raising the amazingly imperfect kids you love so much,' she concluded.
Yahoo
11-04-2025
- General
- Yahoo
6 Phrases Parents Commonly Use With Their Kids That Experts Say Are Actually Causing Serious Psychological Damage
Parents don't set out to say hurtful or harmful things to their children, but it happens. You're tired, they're pushing your buttons, and you're frustrated after asking them for the 600th time to clear their plates or get out the door on time. You could also be inadvertently repeating things you heard in your own childhood that your parents (and maybe even you) didn't realize took an emotional toll. We parents are trying our best, but sometimes — a lot of times — we fall short. That's why it can be helpful to know some of the potentially damaging phrases parents often resort to without realizing their impact. It's not about beating ourselves up. It's about doing better by being a bit more conscious of our language. So HuffPost Parents spoke with several experts who shared some harmful phrases you should try to erase from your vocabulary — and what to say instead. 1. 'It's not a big deal.' Kids often cry or melt down over stuff that seems really silly. (Recall the delightful 'reasons my kid is crying' meme that had a real moment a few years back.) But while kids' crying and whining can definitely get under their parents' skin — particularly when it's over something you think they should be able to cope with — it's harmful to diminish their very real feelings by basically telling them to buck up. 'These little problems — and the emotions that come with them — are actually huge to our kids,' said Amy McCready, a parenting educator, the founder of Positive Parenting Solutions, and the author of If I Have to Tell You One More Time. 'When we discount their emotional responses to very real challenges, we tell them, 'How you feel doesn't matter,' or 'It's silly to be afraid or disappointed.'' Instead, try this: Take a moment and try to understand things from their perspective. McCready recommended saying something like: 'You seem really scared or frustrated or disappointed right now. Should we talk about it and figure out what to do?' Ultimately, you're helping them label their emotions (an important part of developing emotional intelligence) and making it clear that you're there for them. 2. 'You never' or 'You always do XYZ.' Children have their patterns, but saying your kid 'always' or 'never' does something simply isn't true. (That's why marriage counselors advise clients to avoid the word 'never' with their partners altogether.) Using broad statements is a red flag that you've stopped being curious about what's happening in this particular moment with your child, according to Robbin McManne, founder of Parenting for Connection. 'It misses opportunity for you to teach them what they should and what they can do next time,' McManne said. Instead, try this: Remind yourself to be curious about why your child is engaging in a particular behavior at a particular time. It really helps to connect by getting physically close to your child in that moment, McManne said, so that you're not shouting at them from across the house, but you're right there with them to make sure they're not distracted by something else. 3. 'You make me sad when you do that.' Sure, it might really bum you out when your child doesn't listen, but it is important to set (and hold) boundaries without throwing your emotions into the mix. Those feelings are yours, not theirs. Plus, you're setting a precedent by potentially giving them a lot of negative power. 'When kids feel like they get to decide if you're happy, sad, or enraged, they may happily take the opportunity to continue to push your buttons down the road,' McCready said. 'And even when they're out of your house, this mindset can damage future relationships and set the stage for them to manipulate others to get what they want.' Instead, try this: Set whatever boundary you need to set, like, 'It's not OK to jump on couches,' McCready offered by way of example. Then, give some choices such as, 'Would you rather play quietly in here or go outside?' 4. 'You should know better.' When you say something like 'you should know better,' what you're ultimately trying to do is guilt or shame your child into changing. But that puts kids on the defensive, which makes them even less likely to listen, McCready said. It also undermines their confidence. 'If we tell our kids they should know better — yet clearly they didn't — we're sending the message, 'You're too dumb/immature to make a good decision.' Not exactly what we intended,' she added. Instead, try this: McCready suggested saying something like, 'Hmm, looks like we've got a situation here! What can we do to fix it?' The goal is to focus on solutions — not the problem — so children practice problem-solving and fixing their own mistakes, and think about ways to make better choices in the first place. 5. 'Just let me do it.' When you're rushing out the door or waiting for your child to complete a simple task that is seemingly taking forever, your instinct might be to just take over. But try to avoid doing that if you can. 'You're telling your child, 'You're not capable of this, so I need to get involved.' This is both discouraging and really frustrating,' McCready said. 'Imagine if you were super close to being able to do your own zipper and just needed a few more tries, but then Dad swoops in and stops you in your tracks.' Instead, try this: Slow down and give your child the time they need to complete their task. Or at the very least, be clearer about why you have to rush. Say something like, 'I'll help you just this once since we're running so late, but let's work on this together later!' 6. 'You're a [insert label here].' One of the most valuable things parents can do for their children is simply avoid labeling them, McManne said. Labels hurt the parent-child relationship because they get in the way of parents seeing their children as struggling and needing help. Parents start to link certain behaviors with whatever label they've given to their child, rather than digging in and really trying to understand what's happening developmentally. 'Labels take us further out of compassion and curiosity,' McManne said. Labels also have the potential to become self-fulfilling. If children hear from parents that they're a certain way, they might come to accept that as true — even if it doesn't feel true to them. Even labels that seem positive like 'You're smart!' can actually be harmful, McCready said. 'When we say 'you're smart' or 'you're athletic,' we're telling our child, 'The only reason you did well on that test is because you were born brainy,' or, 'You wouldn't have made that goal if it weren't for your natural ability.' What's more, if our child bombs the test next time, they'll be left confused and discouraged, questioning their own ability. If they're so smart, why did they fail?' Instead, try this: Notice and applaud effort, not outcomes. And do whatever you can to avoid labeling your kiddo as anything, good or article originally appeared on HuffPost.
