What Is Positive Parenting? The 4 Principles Parents Should Know
While in a perfect world, parents would start positive parenting from their child's infancy, they often come to it after they've spent some time in crisis, said Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and author of 'The 'Me, Me, Me' Epidemic.'
The reality is, McCready tells TODAY.com, is people 'get more training making chicken sandwiches' for a restaurant job then anyone receives to be parents. As a result, parents 'default to gut reactions and often respond to behavior in ways that is not helpful.'
Positive parenting, she said, is 'not a trend.' It's consistent and in the middle of the more extreme gentle parenting and authoritative parenting styles.
1. Behavior Is Communication — Even the 'Bad' Kind
Positive parenting, McCready says, starts with the belief that 'all behavior is a form of communication.' What we often label as 'misbehavior' is really a symptom of a deeper need or missing skill.
'Understanding the 'why' behind behavior is the first step toward changing it,' she says. Three common issues are a need for connection, a need for control, and skill deficit, according to McCready.
Connection: 'A child who whines, clings, or makes 82 bedtime requests may be saying, 'I feel disconnected. I need you to be fully present with me,'' she said.
Power: 'Backtalk, defiance and constant push back often signal, 'I need more age-appropriate control over my world.''
Skill Deficit: 'Tantrums and sibling fights usually stem from underdeveloped emotional regulation or problem-solving skills, not willful disobedience,' McCready tells TODAY.com.
2. Training and Problem-Solving — Not Punishment
McCready says that instead of punishing children for behaviors they haven't yet learned to manage, positive parenting focuses on teaching skills and removing avoidable triggers.
'We ask: 'What skill hasn't this child yet learned? What support is needed?' Then we train proactively and problem-solve together — rather than wait for a meltdown to punish reactively,' she says. This approach builds capability, confidence and cooperation over time.
'No matter what's happening, connection and empathy always make a difference,' McCready says. 'It's the best first step even if it doesn't completely solve the problem.'
3. It's Not Fluffy or Permissive — Kids Still Experience Consequences
Positive parenting isn't about every kid getting a trophy or letting kids call the shots.
'While some gentle parenting advocates suggest avoiding consequences altogether for fear they might damage the relationship or harm a child's self-esteem,' McCready says, 'positive parenting recognizes that for kids to learn real-world responsibility, accountability and cause-and-effect, kids must experience the natural consequences of their choices.'
For example, if a child consistently refuses to follow the family's rules around technology, they may lose those privileges for a period of time. If they leave their school project at home, they may receive a lower grade.
McCready points out, 'consequences in positive parenting are never harmful, shame-based, or punitive. They're respectful, clearly communicated ahead of time, and used as teachable moments—not tools for control or retaliation.'
4. It's Not Just About the Child — It's Also About the Parent
An important piece of positive parenting is for parents to 'shift from controlling every behavior (of their children) to learning to control themselves.' It's about calming yourself before correcting your child, McCready says.
'It helps parents understand what they can control, like their tone, their follow-through, their expectations, and what they can't, like their child's every emotional reaction.'
Ultimately, positive parenting supports parents in raising future adults — not just managing chaos in the moment, she says.
What is gentle parenting?
Parents ask kids to complete classic 'toxic parenting' phrases ... and the results are adorable
All about attachment parenting
This article was originally published on TODAY.com
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