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Yahoo
3 days ago
- General
- Yahoo
What Is Relationship Anarchy? Psychologists Explain This Non-Traditional Relationship Style
"Hearst Magazines and Yahoo may earn commission or revenue on some items through these links." It's about to be a Relationship Anarchy Summer. Or at least according to Feeld, that is. The once niche, now arguably mainstream dating app best known as a platform for kinky and non-monogamously minded daters just released its latest State of Dating report, and it seems anarchy is in the air—relationship anarchy (RA), that is. Per the report, this non-traditional relationship style—which rejects societal norms and encourages practitioners to forge custom-created relationships on their own terms—is on the rise. In fact, you may be a relationship anarchist without even knowing it. Well, not exactly. RA is a unique, intricate philosophy of relationship-building with which practitioners engage actively and intentionally, one that has origins in politically anarchist principles. But Feeld found that after learning the definition of relationship anarchy, 50 percent of the app's users and 20 percent of non-Feeld members reported they were already practicing it before becoming aware there was a term for it. So what is relationship anarchy, really? And have you maybe already adopted it into your own life without realizing it? Read on for your complete guide to RA. Coined by Andie Nordgren in a pamphlet in 2006 (later published online), relationship anarchy—or RA— is a relationship style in which there are no rules or expectations other than the ones the people in the relationship decide upon. Basically, it's tossing traditional societal ideas of what relationships 'should be' and defining them for yourself, with your partner(s). 'RA is a philosophy where people follow their own core values to create individualized relationship agreements rather than relying on social norms,' says Dr. Heath Schechinger, co-chair of the American Psychological Association Division 44 Committee on Consensual Non-Monogamy. 'People who embrace this approach to relationships tend to value autonomy and non-hierarchical relationship practices.' Nordgren's original relationship anarchy manifesto includes nine tenets that outline the values of relationship anarchy, all meant to be customized by the people who practice it. These tenets include things like, 'Love and respect instead of entitlement,' which states that your feelings for or history with someone don't entitle you to control them or their actions, and 'Trust is better,' which states that instead of needing validation from your partner to feel confident in their feelings for you, you should choose 'to assume that your partner does not wish you harm,' and let that be enough. One big principle of relationship anarchy is shedding any type of hierarchy, aka, the belief that a romantic relationship is more important than any other type of relationship. 'It is based on the idea that love is abundant and not a finite resource that needs to be carefully doled out to the people around you,' says Dr. Donna Oriowo, sex and relationship therapist at AnnodRight. 'Relationships are experienced as being more on a spectrum instead of a hierarchy.' Relationship anarchy and polyamory are both types of ethical (sometimes also called consensual) non-monogamy, but they differ in that RA does not have to be non-monogamous if you and your partner don't want it to be. Although most relationship anarchists are non-monogamous, you can choose to eschew every other traditional relationship norm but still be each other's only partner if that's what you and your partner want. Polyamory, on the other hand, does involve having intimate, sometimes emotional relationships with more than one partner. Polyamory can also involve hierarchies (like having a primary partner). RA rejects that concept entirely unless those involved decide otherwise. Like with all types of non-monogamy, relationship anarchy isn't for everyone and requires lots of time, effort, and communication. 'Anyone who wants be in relationships outside of our cultural expectations around them [is suited for relationship anarchy],' says Elise Schuster, MPH, co-founder and executive director of OkaySo. 'Beyond that, relationship anarchy requires skills that really are fundamental for any healthy relationship or relationships (but are often lacking), like good communication skills, awareness of one's own needs and desires, and healthy boundaries.' And because RA may include several other partners, relationship anarchists should be 'able to work through issues related to jealousy,' says Kristen Lilla, certified sex therapist and author. 'People who engage in relationship anarchy reject societal standards of how relationships 'should' be, so it works for them because they get to engage in relationships that work for them, not that work because others told them how it has to work.' Communication is key in any relationship, no matter what it looks like. But because relationship anarchy is all about creating a relationship that works for you basically from scratch, all parties need to be willing to express their needs, boundaries, and expectations. And, as Dr. Schechinger points out, as the number of people involved increases, 'so does the need for clear and healthy communication.' 'I've talked to thousands of people about their relationships, and I can say with confidence that the ability to communicate well with a partner or partners is the most important thing in relationships,' says Schuster. 'In traditional relationships, we often allow those expectations to become assumptions, which become resentments and hurt, which become breakups, which we then repeat. So really, communication is important for everyone, but people who are relationship anarchists might need to use these skills more often.' Communication with those outside of your relationship can also be important if you ever feel the need to explain your relationship to those who might not understand it. Remember: 'You may be going against the societal grain of what is deemed 'appropriate' in building the relationship you want,' says Oriowo. 'This can cause a lot of feelings and have family members feel it's their place to tell you about what you're doing wrong, relationship-wise.' Ultimately, how much you share about your relationship with others is up to you. But you shouldn't let anyone make you feel like your relationship is less valid or important just because it looks different. Anyone who's curious about relationship anarchy is capable of practicing it if they feel they have the skills and qualities to do so. But if you're already in a relationship and you're interested in moving toward relationship anarchy, there are a few important things to remember. Namely: talk, talk, and talk some more. Abandoning all relationship expectations and starting from scratch can be tricky, and it's going to require lots of communication. What do you want your relationship to look like? What are your expectations? Do you want to be monogamous, or non-monogamous? Do you want to have an open relationship? Do you want to live together? Get married one day? Have children? These are all things to be thinking about, and your answers can evolve as you move through your relationship. 'Couples should expect the relationship to change and acknowledge change isn't a bad thing,' says Lillia. And remember: Take your time. You don't have to have it all figured out from the start. 'Go slow and be realistic,' says Dr. Schechinger. 'It can be exciting to move closer to what you want, but there are challenges that come when you deviate from social norms. Make sure you are both fully on board and have a support system before you make this leap.' Relationship anarchy can be an incredibly difficult style to adopt, especially if you've always been in traditionally monogamous relationships. If it's harder than you expected, be patient with yourself and your partner(s). 'Take a moment to consider what you're struggling with and why,' says Oriowo. 'Trying something new can be hard, give yourself time to learn more and adjust.' If you and your partner(s) are committed to making RA work, supporting each other is essential, but seeking support outside of the relationship can also be hugely beneficial too. 'Read available resources, engage in self-introspection and self-awareness to help determine personal values, and seek a therapist who is competent with this model,' says Lilla. Oriowo also stresses the importance of finding community. 'We're often told we have to do so much alone and figure it out for ourselves,' they say. 'It can be really helpful to find a group of like-minded folks who can support you through the transition and even give you some pointers on how they were able to make it happen and work for themselves.' Ultimately, the impact RA will have on you and your partner(s) depends on how aligned you are in your values, and communication when you're feeling less than 100% about any of it. 'The beauty, and sometimes frustration, of RA is there are few implicit agreements that you can rest on— you get to co-create them with your partner or partners,' says Dr. Schechinger. 'We're not robots—we're humans with real feelings and attachment needs. Be compassionate, realistic, and flexible with yourself and your partner(s) as you navigate the RA waters.' You Might Also Like Here's What NOT to Wear to a Wedding Meet the Laziest, Easiest Acne Routine You'll Ever Try
Cosmopolitan
3 days ago
- General
- Cosmopolitan
What Is Relationship Anarchy? Experts Explain
It's about to be a Relationship Anarchy Summer. Or at least according to Feeld, that is. The once niche, now arguably mainstream dating app best known as a platform for kinky and non-monogamously minded daters just released its latest State of Dating report, and it seems anarchy is in the air—relationship anarchy (RA), that is. Per the report, this non-traditional relationship style—which rejects societal norms and encourages practitioners to forge custom-created relationships on their own terms—is on the rise. In fact, you may be a relationship anarchist without even knowing it. Well, not exactly. RA is a unique, intricate philosophy of relationship-building with which practitioners engage actively and intentionally, one that has origins in politically anarchist principles. But Feeld found that after learning the definition of relationship anarchy, 50 percent of the app's users and 20 percent of non-Feeld members reported they were already practicing it before becoming aware there was a term for it. So what is relationship anarchy, really? And have you maybe already adopted it into your own life without realizing it? Read on for your complete guide to RA. Coined by Andie Nordgren in a pamphlet in 2006 (later published online), relationship anarchy—or RA— is a relationship style in which there are no rules or expectations other than the ones the people in the relationship decide upon. Basically, it's tossing traditional societal ideas of what relationships 'should be' and defining them for yourself, with your partner(s). 'RA is a philosophy where people follow their own core values to create individualized relationship agreements rather than relying on social norms,' says Dr. Heath Schechinger, co-chair of the American Psychological Association Division 44 Committee on Consensual Non-Monogamy. 'People who embrace this approach to relationships tend to value autonomy and non-hierarchical relationship practices.' Nordgren's original relationship anarchy manifesto includes nine tenets that outline the values of relationship anarchy, all meant to be customized by the people who practice it. These tenets include things like, 'Love and respect instead of entitlement,' which states that your feelings for or history with someone don't entitle you to control them or their actions, and 'Trust is better,' which states that instead of needing validation from your partner to feel confident in their feelings for you, you should choose 'to assume that your partner does not wish you harm,' and let that be enough. One big principle of relationship anarchy is shedding any type of hierarchy, aka, the belief that a romantic relationship is more important than any other type of relationship. 'It is based on the idea that love is abundant and not a finite resource that needs to be carefully doled out to the people around you,' says Dr. Donna Oriowo, sex and relationship therapist at AnnodRight. 'Relationships are experienced as being more on a spectrum instead of a hierarchy.' Relationship anarchy and polyamory are both types of ethical (sometimes also called consensual) non-monogamy, but they differ in that RA does not have to be non-monogamous if you and your partner don't want it to be. Although most relationship anarchists are non-monogamous, you can choose to eschew every other traditional relationship norm but still be each other's only partner if that's what you and your partner want. Polyamory, on the other hand, does involve having intimate, sometimes emotional relationships with more than one partner. Polyamory can also involve hierarchies (like having a primary partner). RA rejects that concept entirely unless those involved decide otherwise. Like with all types of non-monogamy, relationship anarchy isn't for everyone and requires lots of time, effort, and communication. 'Anyone who wants be in relationships outside of our cultural expectations around them [is suited for relationship anarchy],' says Elise Schuster, MPH, co-founder and executive director of OkaySo. 'Beyond that, relationship anarchy requires skills that really are fundamental for any healthy relationship or relationships (but are often lacking), like good communication skills, awareness of one's own needs and desires, and healthy boundaries.' And because RA may include several other partners, relationship anarchists should be 'able to work through issues related to jealousy,' says Kristen Lilla, certified sex therapist and author. 'People who engage in relationship anarchy reject societal standards of how relationships 'should' be, so it works for them because they get to engage in relationships that work for them, not that work because others told them how it has to work.' Communication is key in any relationship, no matter what it looks like. But because relationship anarchy is all about creating a relationship that works for you basically from scratch, all parties need to be willing to express their needs, boundaries, and expectations. And, as Dr. Schechinger points out, as the number of people involved increases, 'so does the need for clear and healthy communication.' 'I've talked to thousands of people about their relationships, and I can say with confidence that the ability to communicate well with a partner or partners is the most important thing in relationships,' says Schuster. 'In traditional relationships, we often allow those expectations to become assumptions, which become resentments and hurt, which become breakups, which we then repeat. So really, communication is important for everyone, but people who are relationship anarchists might need to use these skills more often.' Communication with those outside of your relationship can also be important if you ever feel the need to explain your relationship to those who might not understand it. Remember: 'You may be going against the societal grain of what is deemed 'appropriate' in building the relationship you want,' says Oriowo. 'This can cause a lot of feelings and have family members feel it's their place to tell you about what you're doing wrong, relationship-wise.' Ultimately, how much you share about your relationship with others is up to you. But you shouldn't let anyone make you feel like your relationship is less valid or important just because it looks different. Anyone who's curious about relationship anarchy is capable of practicing it if they feel they have the skills and qualities to do so. But if you're already in a relationship and you're interested in moving toward relationship anarchy, there are a few important things to remember. Namely: talk, talk, and talk some more. Abandoning all relationship expectations and starting from scratch can be tricky, and it's going to require lots of communication. What do you want your relationship to look like? What are your expectations? Do you want to be monogamous, or non-monogamous? Do you want to have an open relationship? Do you want to live together? Get married one day? Have children? These are all things to be thinking about, and your answers can evolve as you move through your relationship. 'Couples should expect the relationship to change and acknowledge change isn't a bad thing,' says Lillia. And remember: Take your time. You don't have to have it all figured out from the start. 'Go slow and be realistic,' says Dr. Schechinger. 'It can be exciting to move closer to what you want, but there are challenges that come when you deviate from social norms. Make sure you are both fully on board and have a support system before you make this leap.' Relationship anarchy can be an incredibly difficult style to adopt, especially if you've always been in traditionally monogamous relationships. If it's harder than you expected, be patient with yourself and your partner(s). 'Take a moment to consider what you're struggling with and why,' says Oriowo. 'Trying something new can be hard, give yourself time to learn more and adjust.' If you and your partner(s) are committed to making RA work, supporting each other is essential, but seeking support outside of the relationship can also be hugely beneficial too. 'Read available resources, engage in self-introspection and self-awareness to help determine personal values, and seek a therapist who is competent with this model,' says Lilla. Oriowo also stresses the importance of finding community. 'We're often told we have to do so much alone and figure it out for ourselves,' they say. 'It can be really helpful to find a group of like-minded folks who can support you through the transition and even give you some pointers on how they were able to make it happen and work for themselves.' Ultimately, the impact RA will have on you and your partner(s) depends on how aligned you are in your values, and communication when you're feeling less than 100% about any of it. 'The beauty, and sometimes frustration, of RA is there are few implicit agreements that you can rest on— you get to co-create them with your partner or partners,' says Dr. Schechinger. 'We're not robots—we're humans with real feelings and attachment needs. Be compassionate, realistic, and flexible with yourself and your partner(s) as you navigate the RA waters.'
Yahoo
3 days ago
- General
- Yahoo
'Relationship anarchy' may cure Gen Z's loneliness, Feeld reports
Non-monogamy has entered popular consciousness in recent years, with terms like open relationship and polyamory becoming more visible online. But what about relationship anarchy? Relationship anarchy (or RA) is a philosophy that regards all relationships as equally important and unique. In RA, no relationship should be bound by rules that aren't entirely agreed on by the involved parties. The phrase was coined by writer and activist Andie Nordgren and seeks to apply the principles of anarchism (which calls for abolishing authority and hierarchy) to relationships. SEE ALSO: Is Feeld for normies now? RA takes center stage in Feeld's (the app for kinky and non-monogamous people) latest State of Dating Report, which is co-written by sex educator and author Ruby Rare. The report states that RA could be the antidote for Gen Z's loneliness. Both before and since the outbreak of COVID, Americans have felt lonely. In 2023, then-Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy issued an advisory about the loneliness epidemic. As the report cites, Gen Z is the loneliest generation, according to experts. But relationship anarchists on Feeld report less loneliness and a higher likelihood of valuing deep and broad connections. RA practitioners on the app are 1.5 times more likely to say having a diverse range of connections helps with loneliness, 31 percent more likely to report feeling like they can shape their relationships to meet their personal needs, and 20 percent more likely to report having a reliable support network. (This is according to internal and external surveys of over 3,000 Feeld users and 6,000 non-users taken in February 2025.) "RA is one of several possible avenues to develop emotional depth and resilience, and broaden your community: there's no-one-size-fits-all approach here," the report states. While relationship anarchy isn't as well-known a term as non-monogamy, polyamory, or swinging, one in five non-Feeld members realized they've practiced it (or are practicing) a relationship style that fits within its definition. The realization spiked to one in two people who are on Feeld. But, as with any relationship style, there are challenges to RA. Negotiating relationship boundaries was 536 percent(!) more challenging for RA Feeld members than non-RA members. A reason for this could be the lack of a script to follow when practicing something like RA — anything other than monogamy, really. Those who practice RA were also 96 percent more likely to have experienced negative reactions from prioritizing seeing multiple partners over focusing on one partner. But as the recent dating scene has shown, daters have trouble being in communication with other people to begin with. Last year, Feeld's State of Dating Report found that Gen Z actually fantasizes about monogamy (and kink). Guess that didn't last long. You can see all the findings in Feeld's State of Dating Report.
