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Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics: Peters refuses to quit as Deputy PM, barricades himself in office
Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics: Peters refuses to quit as Deputy PM, barricades himself in office

NZ Herald

time6 days ago

  • Politics
  • NZ Herald

Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics: Peters refuses to quit as Deputy PM, barricades himself in office

David Seymour takes up the Deputy PM role this weekend, after Winston Peters spent 18 months in the job. Photos / Getty Images Greg Dixon is an award-winning news reporter, TV reviewer, feature writer and former magazine editor who has written for the NZ Listener since 2017. Online only Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics is a weekly, mostly satirical column on politics that appears on Armed police are surrounding the Beehive after Winston Peters announced 'hell would freeze over, sunshine' before he resigned from the office of deputy prime minister. Under New Zealand First's coalition deal, Peters is supposed to hand over the official title and office to Act leader David Seymour on Sunday. However, the NZ First leader is refusing to hand over the office, including the baubles of office. He has instead barricaded himself in the office and issued a five-point list of demands. The first states that 'Winston Raymond Peters shall remain Deputy Prime Minister of New Zealand for life, whether he is in government, opposition or not in Parliament. Upon the unlikely event of his death, he shall also remain Deputy Prime Minister of New Zealand in the afterlife.' The four other demands relate to the size and colour of his ministerial limousine, use of the Prime Minister's executive toilet on the 9th floor of the Beehive, a limitless tab at Bellamys and exclusive parliamentary use of the word 'sunshine'. The incident began when parliamentary staff told Peters late yesterday he must pack up his office so that Seymour could move in by Monday. Peters then locked the door and began piling the baubles of office against it. Attempts to get him to leave led to a barrage of sarcasm and threats from Peters, after which police were called. It is understood that Peters is holding an Italian-made espresso machine hostage and has armed himself with a stapler and a paperweight. Attempts by a police negotiator to get Peters to release the coffee machine unharmed and to give himself up have so far come to nothing. Seymour told a press conference that Peters' decision not to stand down as deputy prime minister would make no difference. 'As of Sunday, I'm deputy prime minister by right and by name, though Act party supporters should not be worried that this amounts to a demotion. I can assure them I will carry on running the country until the next election by continuing to outmanoeuvre the Prime Minister.' Contacted for comment before his phones were cut off, Peters said he was prepared for a long siege but was not concerned. 'Listen, sunshine, this isn't my first rodeo. I've been holding other political parties and the country to ransom for years. This is child's play.' Willis to wear NZ-designed sackcloth and ashes until next year's Budget Finance Minister and Feminist of the Year Nicola Willis has bowed to demands by local fashionistas that she dress in New Zealand-designed sackcloth and ashes as an act of contrition for her Budget day wardrobe blunder. Willis, who claims to be pro-New Zealand business and asserts she is growing the New Zealand economy, wore what was believed to be a $1100 Nouvelle Sculpt Stretch Crepe frock from British womenswear label The Fold London while she delivered the Budget last Thursday. Local clothes horses were left aghast by the slight, with one saying the Nouvelle Sculpt dress wasn't only 'fashion treason' but made Willis 'look like she was in The Handmaid's Tale'. 'It was like she was channelling Serena Joy, which was very appropriate given that she had just helped shaft other women so that she could balance her budget,' said one local designer who did not wished to be named but was wearing a vintage piece from Karen Walker matched with a very odd hat made by World. Demands for Willis to have to wear locally designed sackcloth and ashes garments as an act of penitence have grown throughout this week, with Willis yesterday agreeing she would do so, though she has refused to wear a hair shirt. In a win for New Zealand business, Willis's sackcloth frocks will be designed by a fashion house in Auckland, although the sackcloth will be manufactured in China, the ashes will come from India and the garment will be sewn by a person in a sweatshop in Bangladesh. Oxford invites Seymour to debate legal status of larvae in school lunches Soon-to-be Deputy Prime Minister David Seymour will take part in an Oxford Union debate next week, opposing the moot that states 'no larva can be illegal if found in a school lunch paid for by the government'. The invitation is perfectly timed after a larva was recently found atop a pile of mashed potato in a meal produced by Seymour's cut-price school lunches programme. Serving commercially made food containing dead insects is illegal under New Zealand food safety regulations. However, Seymour said those rules do not apply to school lunches provided by the government. 'Under the programme I designed, larvae are legal and so is melted plastic.' Joining Seymour to argue that larvae are lawful in state-funded school lunches will be US Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F Kennedy Jr, who has previously said that consuming insects like the one found in his brain is perfectly safe. Political quiz of the week Photo / Facebook What is Minister For Everything Chris Bishop saying to Auckland Mayor Wayne Brown? A/ 'Hallensteins sale or Farmers sale?' B/ 'Should we give each other a heads-up next time?' C/ 'I like the jacket but the Lynx Africa is too much.' D/ 'Seeing you makes me wonder if I should let the wife do my clothes shopping.'

Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics: Luxon targets women with ‘Don't Vote National' campaign
Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics: Luxon targets women with ‘Don't Vote National' campaign

NZ Herald

time08-05-2025

  • Business
  • NZ Herald

Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics: Luxon targets women with ‘Don't Vote National' campaign

Reversing pay equity gains (clockwise from left): PM Christopher Luxon, Finance Minister Nicola Willis, and Internal Affairs Minister Brooke van Velden. Photos / Getty Images Online only Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics is a weekly, mostly satirical column on politics that appears on The National Party will not seek votes from women at the next election, its leader Christopher Luxon says. The party has decided that it does not need women's support to retain the treasury benches next year because they are 'not a significant voting bloc' and can be safely ignored. 'National hasn't been very popular with women generally in recent years, anyway,' Luxon says. 'So I am now laser-focused on returning the favour. We think that working women in particular should be treated as second-class citizens because, actually, a woman's place is in the home, not earning or voting.' Most political commentators believe the Equal Pay Amendment Act, passed this week under urgency without a scintilla of warning or public consultation and just 15 days before Budget 2025, was mainly focused on saving Finance Minister Nicola Willis from a giant fiscal hole and a colossal red face. However, it is understood the act was also seen by National as a first shot in its 'War on Whinging Women'. The party privately hopes it will encourage 'ungrateful' women not to vote National in 2026. Its plan to ignore women voters at the next election comes as little surprise to local women's advocacy groups. National had previously signalled its attitude to what, it is understood, its male MPs call 'the sheilas' by having less than a third of its caucus made up of women in a country, and on a planet, where just over half the population is female. Authored by Act MP and Minister for Backstabbing Women Brooke van Velden, the act is intended to make it much more difficult for women who come neither from wealth nor a private school and university education to achieve pay equity in the future, but will instead see them rely on men or become skivvies and prostitutes -- just like in the good old days. Nats planning to bring back hanging The National-led coalition wants to rehabilitate the country's villains by scrapping prison sentences in favour of hangings. Corrections Minister Mark Mitchell says the government believes hanging could be used to help the county's most serious offenders and reduce reoffending rates. 'A short trip to the gallows would mean serious offenders would be much more likely to successfully re-enter society on completion of their sentence,' Mitchell says. The proposed new policy, understood to be tentatively titled 'Hang 'Em High Rehab', would lead to fewer victims of crime overall even if it did require many more violent deaths each year. 'When offenders receive prison sentences they are released back into the community without proper rehabilitation and it puts the public at risk,' says Mitchell. 'I have asked Corrections to look into how prison sentences of all lengths relate to reoffending with a view to gaining a better understanding of whether hanging is the best option. We've been coddling crims with nice warm cells and woke handholding for way too long. 'National isn't afraid of taking the tough decisions to ensure serious crime leads to serious consequences, which is why we intend investing in programmes that break the cycle of reoffending. We want to see offenders turn their lives around and become meaningful, contributing members of society, and hanging them is a great, cost-effective way to do it, even if you have to hang them twice.' Mitchell said that history showed that criminals who went to the gallows were always non-violent on completion of their sentence. 'Minnie Dean never killed another baby after she was hanged,' Mitchell said. 'She had been completely rehabilitated.' Unicorns to replace social media for under-16s National will give kids unicorns as part of its proposed ban on social media for under-16s. Tukituki MP Catherine Wedd, who put forward a member's bill on Tuesday to ban under-16s from accessing TikTok and other social platforms, said every child would be given a unicorn to play with instead. 'It doesn't matter that the unicorns are not real,' Wedd says. 'The proposed ban is a fiction, too. But we are hoping that while their kids play with imaginary, no-cost unicorns, my unworkable copycat ban which will never be law will fool enough stupid-but-worried parents to vote National back into office next year.' Computer says 'Yeah, Nah' to Education Minister Education Minister Erica Stanford is to complete a 'Computers for Dummies' course at the Wellington Institute of Technology next month after this week admitting spending 18 months struggling to work a printer. It was revealed Stanford had been forwarding potentially sensitive emails from her government email account to her unsecured Gmail account because she was unable to print documents out without using what some have dubbed 'the old-age pensioners' workaround'. 'Computers for Dummies is a remedial programme for slow learners,' a course tutor said. 'It's been very successful with helping the elderly and others who struggle to use new technology, so we believe Erica should be able to cope.' During the six-week night course, Stanford will be taught about basic internet security, how to turn a printer on and off and how to contact the IT department if her printer is not working properly. Political quiz of the week What tasty fare will Act leader David Seymour be having for his dinner? Photo / Facebook A/ Clownfish. B/ Toadfish. C/ Slippery Dick. D/ Chicken legs.

Greg Dixon's Another Kind Of Politics: NZ First demands 'safe spaces for real men'
Greg Dixon's Another Kind Of Politics: NZ First demands 'safe spaces for real men'

NZ Herald

time01-05-2025

  • Politics
  • NZ Herald

Greg Dixon's Another Kind Of Politics: NZ First demands 'safe spaces for real men'

Removing "woke" ideology: Winston Peters. Photo / Getty Images Online only Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics is a weekly, mostly satirical column on politics that appears on New Zealand First is planning a Member's Bill to ensure that 'real men' have safe spaces away from 'arrogant wokester losers'. NZ First leader Winston Peters said the Safety In Sheds (Definition of Real Men) Amendment Bill will provide clarity and consistency in New Zealand law by defining a real man as 'an adult human biological male who knows better than everyone else'. A leaked draft of the proposed law shows it would make it mandatory in future to provide real men with a place or environment in which they can feel confident that they are always right and will not be exposed to criticism, new ideas or any other emotional harm from others, including those defined in the bill as 'people who nag', which is thought to mean women. 'This is not about being anti-anyone or anti-anything,' Peters said. 'This is about ensuring we as a country focus on the facts of biology and protect real men from having to listen to views they don't agree with or having to cope with people who don't look or sound like them. 'New Zealand First is the only party that campaigned on keeping men out of the kitchen and keeping men out of cleaning bathrooms and toilets, and we have received two petitions this term calling for protecting the term 'real men' in legislation. 'We were told at the time that we were 'going down a rabbit hole' and 'on another planet'. But if you look at recent events, both internationally and in New Zealand, the pendulum is swinging back towards common sense and is proving us right. 'This bill will ensure our country moves away from the woke ideology that has crept in over the last few years, undermining the protection, progression, and safety of real men.' Asked to define a 'real man,' Peters said that although this was not an exhaustive list, it was someone who owned lots of power tools, drove a Ford Ranger, wore a replica All Blacks jersey on game days, ate mainly meat, believed New Zealand comedy died with Billy T James and Fred Dagg, owned a large barbecue and even larger TV, loved fishing like it was a son, had subscribed to Sky Sport for decades, conversed in a series of grunts, believed Lynx Africa was an aphrodisiac, listened only to Accadacca, Chisel, Zep and Sabbath because modern music was rubbish, wasn't afraid to scratch himself in public, owned gumboots and a Swannie, practised man-splaying and mansplaining, and had a 'girlie calendar' on the wall in his shed. 'The real man likes rugby, but not women's rugby,' Peters said. 'He drinks beer, but not that craft crap. He likes a flutter at the races and isn't afraid to wink at the ladies.' Asked if he was a real man, Peters said he would 'thump' anyone who suggested he wasn't. 'Listen, sunshine, this ain't my first rodeo, and only real men compete in rodeos.' Under New Zealand First's proposed law, safe spaces for real men are defined as punch-ups, rodeos, sheds, pubs, gun and rugby clubs, fishing tinnies, scrums and mauls, tractor cabs, Lions clubs, urinals, Paul Henry's house and the party's annual conferences. Those who can prove after next year's election that they have voted NZ First will also be considered honorary real men, even if they own no power tools or are sheilas, including old sheilas. The bill will add new sections, 13A and 13B, to the Legislation Act 2019 to safeguard sex-based protections from the 'woke-mind virus spread by those who don't vote NZ First' and underline the importance of sex-based rights for real men. 'Our laws should reflect biological reality and provide legal certainty,' Peters said. 'This definition in law fights back against the cancerous social engineering we've seen being pushed in society by a woke minority. The need for legislation like this shows how far the deluded left has taken us as a society. But we are fighting back. 'This bill is a win for common sense. It is about ensuring real men have a safe place to play with their tools.' Scientists say Trump's first 100 days 'longest in history' The space-time continuum may have been permanently damaged by US President Donald Trump's first 100 days in office, leading scientists believe. Physicists at the European Organisation for Nuclear Research – known as CERN – in Switzerland have found evidence that the first 100 days of Trump's second presidency had felt like 100 years to ordinary humans, because Trump's voice and image interfered with spacetime. 'The first 100 days of Trump has been the longest 100 days since the Big Bang,' said one scientist, who did not wish to be named for fear of fear itself. 'We believe that the President may have changed time for all time.' It was likely, the scientist said, that the next 100 days of Trump's presidency will be perceived by ordinary humans, should they live that long, as being like 1000 years. 'Trump's four-year term is likely to feel like 13.8 billion years, which oddly enough is the length of time since the Big Bang, which is why CERN has designated the election of Trump again last year as the Big Clunk.' The only good news about Trump stretching time, the scientist said, was that 'everyone alive today would be dead by the end of this year, making Trump someone else's problem'. Political quiz of the week Photo / Facebook To what tune is Green co-leader, DJ Chlöe, getting her groove on? A) B) Somewhere Over the Rainbow Pedestrian Crossing. C) King of K' Road. D) What's New Bussy Cat?

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