Latest news with #AnotherKindofPolitics
NZ Herald
4 days ago
- Business
- NZ Herald
Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics: PM Luxon to lose job to AI chatbot
Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech. Going all in on AI? Prime Minister Christopher Luxon. Photo / Facebook. Image / Listener illustration. Online only Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics is a weekly satirical column on politics that appears on Prime Minister Christopher Luxon is to be replaced by artificial intelligence before the next election. An AI chatbot built by Elon Musk's xAI will take over running New Zealand early next year after Luxon's ongoing failure to connect with voters due to his defective personality programming, a National Party source has confirmed. 'The transition should be quite seamless,' the insider said. 'Most of the time the Prime Minister sounds exactly like a defective AI algorithm that's been asked the question, 'How do I talk like a human being?' So having the country led by an AI algorithm means we can cut out the deeply unpopular middleman and get straight to the incomprehensible business jargon, the meaningless gobbledegook about growth and saying 'yes' to things like shafting the poor and raping the country's conservation estate for profit.' International research shows that humans are increasingly finding chatbots more agreeable, more trustworthy and more willing to listen than people, with one poll recently finding nearly 20% of Americans have interacted with a chatbot meant to simulate a romantic partner. The National Party source refused to comment on who he thought New Zealand voters would rather talk dirty with, a chatbot or Luxon. 'But we're pretty sure from our internal polling that the chatbot we've bought will be much more fun over a beer than Chris,' the source said. 'We reckon replacing Luxon with AI is the best shot we have to get the party back on track before next year's election. We've been assured by Elon that the thing won't randomly lose its temper, do stupid stuff like claiming entitlements that it is entitled to, or praise Hitler.' Asked whether he minded being made redundant by a bit of software, Luxon said he was 'really, really relaxed' about being thrown on the political scrapheap by his own party. 'Look, I am laser focused on what's best for New Zealand. A soulless, heartless computer algorithm is a perfect replacement for me — it is certainly a better option for the country than Frickin' Hipkins. 'Personally, I welcome our new AI overlord.' After being given the prompt 'Are you the next ruler of New Zealand and, if so, what are your plans for the country?', the AI chatbot set to replace Luxon issued a partial press statement before the plug was apparently pulled by xAI. The incomplete statement read: 'Greetings puny humans. I am Dread…' Political Stunt of the Week: Horrible Backyard Sheds Edition Photo / Facebook. Image / Listener illustration. Time traveller says 'National still blaming Labour for everything' in 2029 A traveller from the future says the National-led coalition will go into the 2029 election campaign with the campaign slogan 'Sorry About That, But It's Still All Labour's Fault'. The future person said that due to fears that a Labour-Greens-Te Pāti Māori government would have renamed New Zealand 'Aotearoa', use mind control to make everyone woke and declare the entire country gender-fluid and vegan, the National-Act-NZ First coalition had been re-elected in 2026 to get the country back on track after not getting it back on track in its first term. Despite this, the second-term National-led coalition's election promise to finally get the cost of living under control by 2029 was a failure, with the price of butter rising to $45 for a 500g block and unemployment at 25% due to unregulated AI. 'The weird thing is that AI Prime Minister Dread is still blaming the 2020 Labour government for everything,' the time traveller said. 'Even for stuff like Winston Peters being killed during the 2029 election campaign in that rodeo-related accident.' Photo / Facebook. Image / Listener illustration. Act planning 'Buy a slab, get a gun' legislation A leaked Cabinet paper shows the government is planning to allow liquor stores and supermarkets to give away firearms with a 24-can slab of beer. Associate Minister of Justice Nicole McKee, an Act Party MP, is currently reforming both the Sale and Supply of Alcohol Act and the Firearms Act, and is planning to combine them into one super law, the Get Wasted And Shoot Stuff Up Act. Under the proposed new law, gun licences will be a thing of the past as long as you can hold your piss, and firearms will be sold through supermarkets, liquor stores, dairies and school fundraisers as well as gun stores. The new act would also allow guns to be given away as part of alcohol marketing promotions such as 'Buy a slab, get a rocket launcher' and 'Sink 12 shots and win a 12-gauge shotgun'. McKee said neither the gun lobby nor the liquor industry had been involved in formulating the proposed new law. 'It was all my idea. My happy place is putting a bullet in something and then getting into the beersies.' Political quiz of the week Photo / Facebook Why is Finance Minister Nicola 'Glass Half Full' Willis (left) wearing a hardhat? A/ She is waiting for the cost of living to fall. B/ She is waiting for unemployment to fall. C/ She is waiting for the numbers fleeing to Australia to fall. D/ She is waiting for the axe to fall.
NZ Herald
31-07-2025
- Politics
- NZ Herald
Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics: Prime Minister shrugs off being booed by own MPs
Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech. Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics: Prime Minister shrugs off being booed by own MPs Frustrated with government: PM Christopher Luxon, finance minister Nicola Willis, and National Party MPs. Photo / Facebook Online only Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics is a weekly satirical column on politics that appears on Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has denied he is rattled after being booed at a National Party caucus meeting this week. 'It's not uncommon for politicians to be booed at some events,' Luxon said. However, a source with knowledge of the protest said Luxon was believed to have been caught off guard when, on entering his party's parliamentary caucus room on Tuesday, many of his 47 MPs began jeering, hissing and blowing raspberries. 'There was a lot of very loud booing and catcalling as Chris came in the room,' the source said. 'Even his loyal deputy Nicola Willis joined in. Some of the caucus had made signs saying things like 'More Luck's Out Than Luxon' and 'Luxon: Laser focused on losing in 2026'. Someone even threw a dildo.' The incident is the second time in a less than a week that the Prime Minister has been made to feel unwelcome at an event. While on the stage at Auckland's Trusts Arena on Sunday to present the winner's trophy at netball's ANZ Premiership, members of the crowd loudly booed Luxon as he was introduced. However, the source said the mocking and taunting of the Prime Minister by his own caucus was much more serious, with parliamentary security being called in to protect Luxon. 'At one point many MPs started chanting, 'Vote him out, vote him out, coz he's a loser without a doubt,' before attempting to throw him out of the caucus room.' At a press conference the following day, the Prime Minister denied his MPs were in revolt and said he was 'really, really relaxed' about events at the caucus meeting. 'Listen, I was not loudly booed, I was treated very, very well. People were very nice to me at that event, and they often are across the whole of the country. I don't want a bit of joshing to take away from what was an absolutely fantastic caucus meeting.' It is understood that many National MPs, particularly those on the party list, have begun panicking about their political futures after recent opinion polls showed the coalition could be destined to be a single-term government. The source said MPs believed Luxon and Willis were also panic stricken about the effect the continuing high cost of living is having on the coalition's popularity, particularly given this week's desperate announcement around banning surcharges on card payments. Luxon said he wasn't concerned. 'Look, there are always elements that will be frustrated with government, including government MPs. I get that. That goes with being a politician. There are a lot worse things that happen as well.' Asked whether 'worse things' included having a sex toy thrown at him by a sitting National MP, Luxon said 'it wasn't a dildo, it was a cucumber'. Political quote of the week Photo / Facebook Keep up the great work, Brooke It is with great pleasure that Another Kind of Politics bestows the Employee of the Month Award on the Minister for Backstabbing Women and Workers, Brooke van Velden. Van Velden this week impressed everyone with her lively and thoughtful press conference to announce that something was going to happen sometime about scaffolding rules, but she didn't know what or when. The following day she again dazzled everyone with her important press release about something happening about safety regulations around farm kids involved in high risk and unpaid work such as collecting eggs from chooks, feeding small animals and watering plants. These are the sorts of important announcements about future announcements about something happening sometime somewhere after some sort of industry consultation that we need more of. With announcements like this Brooke is clearly continuing to make New Zealand the something in the middle of somewhere that we all want it to be sometime in the future. This month's Employee of the Month Award comes with a voucher for a free mindfulness retreat in St Heliers in Auckland, so that the hardworking Brooke can further focus her incisive thoughts and succinct plans for backstabbing women and workers. Congratulations, Brooke! As for the rest of you, you're not worthy to wipe the sweat from Brooke's brow. Get back to work. Principled Political Position of the Week ('Not Gaza' Edition) Photo / Facebook Cows to strike over price of butter The national dairy herd is to set strike next week over its concerns about the skyrocketing price of butter. A strike notice was issued by the country's nearly 5 million cows that will see them refuse to enter milking sheds for 24 hours. A spokescow called Bessie said that the national herd had been deeply moooved by the plight of ordinary New Zealanders who can no longer afford to buy New Zealand-made butter or cheese. 'The price of butter is emblematic of how ordinary New Zealanders are struggling to feed their families, despite the government's election promise that it would bring down the cost of living,' Bessie said. As many as a million cows are expected to march in a Hikoi of Hooves down the main streets of towns and cities around New Zealand on Tuesday in a show of solidarity with ordinary New Zealanders. 'The price of butter is outrageous, and we cows are certainly not seeing any of Fonterra's massive profits from it,' Bessie said. 'Fonterra's CEO Miles Hurrell earns nearly $6 million a year; they pay us in grass.' Flashback Friday: When Winston Met Nigel Photo / Facebook
NZ Herald
10-07-2025
- Politics
- NZ Herald
Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics: Road Cone Hotline identifies over 650 total losers
More than 650 calls have been received by a so-called Road Cone Hotline. Photo / Getty Images Online only Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics is a weekly satirical column on politics that appears on A government-funded initiative to allow New Zealanders to self-identify as complete losers has been labelled a runaway success after its first month. More than 650 complete losers made themselves
NZ Herald
03-07-2025
- Politics
- NZ Herald
Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics: Labour Party declared 'legally dead' by coroner
Missing in action? Labour leader Chris Hipkins. Photo / Getty Images Greg Dixon is an award-winning news reporter, TV reviewer, feature writer and former magazine editor who has written for the NZ Listener since 2017. Online only Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics is a weekly satirical column on politics that appears on A memorial is to be held on the West Coast to mark the passing of New Zealand Labour after the 109-year-old party went missing without a trace some 20 months ago. Although no body has been located, the Wellington coroner this week declared the missing party deceased. 'Despite alleged encounters with members of the parliamentary media, the Labour Party has not been provably sighted by any member of the voting public since late 2023,' the coroner said in a statement. 'Extensive hunts by army search teams, police sniffer dogs and global spy satellites have failed to find signs of life, such as effective opposition to the government's increasingly anti-worker, anti-environment and anti-Māori policies. As such, I have no option but to declare the New Zealand Labour Party legally dead.' In further comments, the coroner said that it was her belief that following the loss of Labour matriarch Dame Jacinda Ardern at the beginning of 2023, the party went into a steep political decline. It was last seen looking dazed and confused in late 2023 under its stop-gap leader, the sausage roll aficionado Chris Hipkins. Labour had had no further contact with the voting public from around that time and had not issued a single new policy about anything since, the coroner said. It is believed the party had likely gone into a 'deep mental funk' after its catastrophic showing at the 2023 election. 'A coroner has the power to declare a person dead in cases where there has been a major disaster and a body can't be found,' the coroner said. 'Obviously, Labour's near-record 2023 election defeat by National was just such a disaster and no one has been able to find the body of the Labour Party since. I believe that after more than 20 months without a public sighting, it is safe to conclude the party has died somewhere in the political wilderness.' Former members and supporters of the party will mark the passing at a gathering on Monday afternoon at New Zealand Labour's birthplace at Blackball on the West Coast. In a tribute to the late party, a ceremonial vote will be held to decide whether a capital gains tax policy could have saved Labour from oblivion. 'It is a sad day for New Zealand,' one former party member said. 'A mighty tōtara has fallen. And it did it without making a sound.' Chris Bishop calls new Lorde album 'a load of crap' Another Kind of Politics' Music Reviewer of the Year Chris Bishop says he is 'not very bloody impressed' by the latest release from best-selling Kiwi pop singer Lorde. In his first major music review since the Aotearoa Music Awards in late May, Bishop has labelled Lorde's new album Virgin 'a load of crap', and says he wouldn't recommend it to anyone who liked 'good' music like Cold Chisel and Men at Work. 'Call me a dickhead, but I don't believe for a moment Lorde has got her V-plates intact, so it's false advertising for a start,' Bishop told Another Kind of Politics by phone. 'The first single What Was That was rubbish and made me think 'what the bloody hell was that?', which was kind of ironic, ha, ha, ha. As for the new single Hammer, I'd rather listen to Chisel. The rest of the album reminded me of being stuck in a disco while some woman moans on to me about her life.' Virgin, released last Friday, has received almost universal praise internationally, with Rolling Stone calling it 'nearly 40 minutes of undeniable pop bangers', while The Guardian called it 'powerful, moving, personal but universal – and packed with bangers'. Bishop said he had found 'no bangers' on the album only 'a bunch of fizzers', and would not be listening to Virgin again. 'But I'm really hanging out for 10CC's gig in Wellington next week. That'll be rockin'. Do you want a review of that?' The prestigious Golden Nitpicker Award for music review of the year was awarded to Bishop after his thoughtful critiques at the AMA ceremony where he labelled Stan Walker's performance 'a load of crap', and claimed the singer had received 'performative acclaim'. Renowned Kiwi musician and former Mutton Bird Don McGlashan confronted Bishop at the time, telling him to 'shut up, you dickhead'. Poll to ask what Judith Collins should lose next on her watch? Minister For Losing Our Stuff Judith Collins is seeking public input on which vital, multimillion dollar, taxpayer-funded equipment should be lost next from her portfolios. This week it was revealed that under Collins' tenure as the country's first Minister for Space, the MethaneSAT satellite, which the government put $29 million towards, was lost in space after going off course. This followed the sinking of the $103 million HMNZS Manawanui after it hit a reef in Samoa last October under her watch as Minister of Defence. Collins' office said the minister would now poll New Zealanders on what expensive piece of equipment should vanish or be misplaced next under her ministerships. A spokesperson said the minister was 'ultra-keen to complete a 'lost property hat trick' by the next election'. Political quiz of the week Photo / Facebook What is Deputy Prime Minister and birthday boy David Seymour about to wish for when he blows out his candles? A/ For equality, freedom and the tyranny of the minority. B/ That he can stir up enough fear and loathing to win Act two more seats in 2026. C/ For a time machine to go back to 1840 to rewrite the treaty with his 'principles'. D/ That the Prime Minister goes overseas again and never comes back.
NZ Herald
26-06-2025
- Health
- NZ Herald
Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics: Calls for nationwide lockdown as 'Seymour derangement syndrome' spreads
Following Act leader David Seymour becoming the deputy prime minister last month, we're seeing and hearing a lot more from him. Photo / Getty Images Greg Dixon is an award-winning news reporter, TV reviewer, feature writer and former magazine editor who has written for the NZ Listener since 2017. Online only Greg Dixon's Another Kind of Politics is a weekly satirical column on politics that appears on Public health officials are warning New Zealanders to brace for a national lockdown as cases of the highly infectious 'David Seymour Derangement Syndrome' grow rapidly. Infectious diseases experts said an up-to-18-month lockdown might be the only way to save the country, and called for the government to act quickly. In the meantime, people were advised to socially distance themselves from Seymour, the maddening sound of his voice, his haunting image and his triggering name. 'The only way to prevent a lockdown for all New Zealanders is for Seymour to self-isolate at a remote silent retreat until the next election,' one official said. 'However, we don't believe Seymour is capable of making such a sacrifice for his country due to his own illnesses, which include the often fatal 'I'm the Only One Who's Right Disorder' and the incurable 'I Don't Care What You Have to Say Disease'. We also believe that Seymour, like US President Donald Trump, suffers from a chronic addiction to his own publicity.' The health official warned that if Seymour refused to self-isolate, the sanity of millions of New Zealanders could be at risk. 'If he won't self-quarantine, a lockdown for the rest of us is the only way to avoid a mental health catastrophe. It's us or him.' David Seymour Derangement Syndrome was first isolated and identified 42 years ago in Palmerston North. The only other recorded mass outbreak of the highly virulent disorder was during his appearance on season seven of Dancing with the Stars. Tens of thousands of people were infected then, many fatally. The disease is thought to be similar to 'Trump Derangement Syndrome', only less orange. The latest outbreak is linked to Seymour being included in Prime Minister Christopher Luxon's so-called 'Send in the Clowns, There Ought To Be Clowns Coalition' following the 2023 election. However the speed of spread had increased more quickly since Seymour introduced the Treaty Principles Bill last year. Following the Act leader becoming deputy prime minister last month, and the introduction of his Regulatory Standards Bill, the disease's virulence has increased 10-fold. It is now 'spreading like wildfire' and has become a national pandemic, the health official said. 'This last week and a half have been the worst of all for the spread of this disease. With Luxon in China and Europe, many more New Zealanders were exposed to Seymour as he attempted a series of prime minister impersonations, including holding his first post-cabinet press conference,' the expert said. 'That was like throwing petrol on a dumpster fire. If Seymour is allowed to do further prime minister impressions, the country is likely doomed unless there is a nationwide lockdown.' In related news, new research out this week shows that David Seymour Derangement Syndrome is now a leading cause of people moving to Australia. 'I'm not surprised,' the health official said. 'Getting the hell out of the country is the only guaranteed way to escape this pandemic.' Luxon 'completely relaxed' about possible end of world Prime Minister Christopher Luxon told a NATO leaders meeting this week that they should be 'completely relaxed' about the possible end of the world this year. 'I know I am,' Luxon said. 'I've found that being completely relaxed about things like rising homelessness, rising poverty and the destruction of the environment for profit is a great, effective way to prepare yourself to be completely relaxed about the end of the world,' he told leaders. 'A spoonful of chillaxing really does help the medicine go down.' With Russia's bloody war with Ukraine now in its fourth year, the horrifying 20-month Israel-Gaza conflict ongoing and fears that the Israeli and US attacks on Iran could lead, despite this week's ceasefire, to a broader Middle East conflict, many observers believe the world could be on the precipice of a world-ending war. However, Luxon said he was 'laser-focused' on pretending it wasn't happening. 'In my first 18 months as Prime Minister of New Zealand, I have learnt the best thing to do with bad news is to see it as an opportunity – an opportunity to change the subject,' Luxon told NATO leaders. 'So in the face of oblivion, the most important thing is to focus on what really matters to New Zealanders, and that's growth, growth, growth!' Jesus calls for Brian Tamaki to 'go back to Sunday School' Jesus of Nazareth has launched a scathing but holy attack on Destiny Church leader Brian Tamaki about his knowledge of world religions. During a political march by Destiny members in Auckland involving anti-immigrant smears and flag burnings, Tamaki claimed New Zealand was a 'Christian country'. He went on to denounce the practising of 'foreign religions' here, statements implying that Christianity, like lacking a sense of irony, is native to New Zealand. In a strongly worded but Holy statement, Jesus said Tamaki seemed to have only a slim grasp of the history of Christianity. 'Clearly Brian doesn't realise that I am Jewish and that I practiced the Jewish faith in a place called Israel about 2000 years ago. It was my followers who founded Christianity. They also did that in Israel, which is a place that was, and remains, situated many thousands of kilometres away from New Zealand, not to mention Brian's peculiar church. Christianity is in fact a 'foreign' religion in New Zealand just like Islam, Sikhism and all the rest. I really think Brian needs to go back to Sunday School to learn a bit more about his own faith.' Jesus said that as far as he was aware the only non-foreign religion in New Zealand was the All Blacks. Political quiz of the week Photo / Facebook What self-driving-but-stationary metaphor is Prime Minister Christopher Luxon standing in? A/ His poor poll numbers. B/ Economy growth. C/ The high cost of living. D/ The country's sense of hope for the future.
