Latest news with #AparnaSagaram
Yahoo
06-08-2025
- General
- Yahoo
6 All-Too-Familiar Signs You Grew Up In An 'Enmeshed Family'
Having a close, loving family is a goal for most people, and while some people clearly have that, not all do — even if it seems that way from the outside. This is known as enmeshment, which is a dysfunctional pattern that can show up in any relationship, but especially within a family system. 'A lot of times people will think of enmeshment as a positive thing ... sometimes enmeshment can appear like closeness, but really it's still a dysfunctional pattern,' said Danica Harris, a somatic therapist and coach based in Texas. 'When this is present in a family system, there are not good boundaries, which means that people don't have personal agency and autonomy in the way that they ought to,' Harris noted. This isn't to say you should have strict boundaries that push your family away (unless that's what is safest for you), it's a good thing to help your family members out when you're able or support them during tough times. But, there are some red flags that the kind of support your family needs from you is actually enmeshment. Here's what to know: 1. You make your family member's problems your own. 'Individual problems are family problems. Family problems are individual problems. There's just no distinction between an individual and the family system,' said Aparna Sagaram, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and owner of Space to Reflect in Philadelphia. The main difference between a healthy familial relationship and enmeshment is this, she noted. 'You can be there for family and listen and help out and do whatever you can, but then if you're part of an enmeshed family, then it feels like it's your responsibility to figure out how to help that family member,' Sagaram explained. There is no separation from you and the problem, and it becomes all-consuming, Sagaram added. 2. You feel guilty when you don't help a family member out. 'A big part of enmeshment is the guilt feeling,' said Sagaram. You may feel guilty for stepping away from your family, for instance, or for saying no to an outlandish request, she said. When you do try to create some space between yourself and someone's problem, you probably feel guilty 'because you feel responsible for the family problem or whatever that person's going through,' added Sagaram. Even if you are physically able to step away from it, emotionally stepping away is tough, and can add to those feelings of guilt, Sagaram said. Oftentimes, guilt is what keeps people stuck in enmeshed patterns and enmeshed dynamics, she noted. 3. You don't have any boundaries with your family. '[Enmeshment] basically comes down to family members having very weak or almost nonexistent boundaries with each other,' said Holly Humphreys, a licensed professional counselor with Thriveworks in Roanoke. As a result, family members are generally over-involved in each other's lives, which makes it really tough to create boundaries, Humphreys added. Think about it: If your mom insists on constantly asking for advice regarding a tough situation at work, it'll be hard to set a topic boundary with her. 'Even if you want to set boundaries, like, 'All right, I'm not going to take this problem on,' it takes practice to unlearn the feeling,' Sagaram said. Even if you set a boundary to not jump in and save the day, you're likely still thinking about the problem a lot. 4. You lack a sense of self. Within an enmeshed family, there are often blurred individual identities within the family, said Humphreys. This is known as emotional fusion, 'which is a struggle to differentiate their own feelings from others,' Humphreys explained. In some cases, kids in an enmeshed family may feel obligated to feel the same way their parents feel about a certain situation or a certain person, she added. So if your dad doesn't like your neighbor, you may also decide you don't like that neighbor (even if that person has been nothing but nice to you). This can make it hard to decipher how you actually feel, which makes it common for folks to struggle with their sense of identity and independence. This could look like difficulty making decisions without their parents' approval, said Humphreys. This is a learned behavior from growing up in a family where you were constantly expected to jump in and solve other folks' problems. 'You don't have space, you don't have the ability to think for yourself, because you're constantly thinking about everybody else,' added Sagaram. There wasn't time to think about what brought you joy when you were constantly checking in on family members to make sure they're OK. 5. You never disagree with family members. 'If someone grows up in a family system where there wasn't any conflict, that is kind of a sign to me that people weren't really able to differentiate from one another,' said Harris. In enmeshment, everyone does their part to uphold the family system, which likely doesn't involve much differentiation or question-asking, Harris added. It's normal to disagree with your parents, siblings, aunts and uncles — that's what makes a family a family. But, in the case of enmeshment, no one is allowed to have differing views or choices. 'A healthy relationship system allows you and me to be separate people while also being in connection with one another,' Harris said. 'An enmeshed family system says we all have to be the same to be in connection.' Differentiating would pose a threat to the family system and the roles each person plays. 6. There's too much emotional reliance. According to Humphreys, enmeshed families rely too heavily on each other emotionally, and this may be something that started when the kids in the family were young. 'This can be seen when parents rely too heavily on their children for emotional support,' said Humphreys. This often happens in families where there's a 'family secret of such' like a parent with substance abuse problems, she added. It's also common when a parent looks at their child as a therapist or 'best friend,' Humphreys noted. 'Whenever you hear parents say, 'Oh, my child is my best friend,' that's not a healthy boundary or relationship,' she said. While you want to have a good, close and fun relationship with your child, seeing them as a best friend is a blurring of boundaries, Humphreys said. Here's what to do if you are part of an enmeshed family. 'The enmeshed family system is a very complicated one, and it takes patience and time to unlearn some of those toxic dynamics,' Sagaram said. What's most important is taking it one step at a time and understanding how you actually want to show up in your family system versus how you think you should show up. 'Because there's rules, right? There's unspoken rules in enmeshed families, and recognizing what those unspoken rules are and then starting to challenge them in small ways, I think, is a really great way to break away from an enmeshed family,' Sagaram said. Key word: small. These don't have to be radical, huge changes, Harris added. Putting pressure on yourself to show up totally differently or never speak to certain people again can feel 'really flooding and overwhelming,' said Harris. Instead of going at this with an all-or-nothing mindset, simply start to make choices that align with what you actually want. This could be something like saying no to hosting a family dinner or telling your sister she needs to contribute money for your mom's birthday gift. 'That's going to create some shift, and you don't have to do anything huge — and it's OK to be scared and still do it,' Harris said. It can also be a challenge to find healthy relationships outside of your family because of the 'norms' of your upbringing. 'You want to look for a relationship that is reciprocal, whether it's a friendship, a work relationship, or significant other, if you are always the one giving, giving, giving and that's not reciprocated, you know that's that's an unhealthy relationship,' said Humphreys. It's easy to make anything the norm in your life, even if it's unhealthy — like enmeshment or an unhealthy relationship, and it takes a major shake up to make changes. 'You don't always have to give everything that you have to somebody. You are allowed to actually think about what you need and what you want,' said Humphreys. 'If you're not looking out for you, no one else is. That is your job as a person, is to look out for yourself.' Related... 7 Signs You Grew Up With Emotionally Immature Parents The 1 Thing Therapists Say Harms Your Happiness The Most 'Dry Begging' Is A Form Of Emotional Manipulation That Sounds All Too Familiar
Yahoo
05-08-2025
- General
- Yahoo
6 All-Too-Familiar Signs You Grew Up In An 'Enmeshed Family'
Having a close, loving family is a goal for most people, and while some people clearly have that, not all do — even if it seems that way from the outside. This is known as enmeshment, which is a dysfunctional pattern that can show up in any relationship, but especially within a family system. 'A lot of times people will think of enmeshment as a positive thing ... sometimes enmeshment can appear like closeness, but really it's still a dysfunctional pattern,' said Danica Harris, a somatic therapist and coach based in Texas. 'When this is present in a family system, there are not good boundaries, which means that people don't have personal agency and autonomy in the way that they ought to,' Harris noted. This isn't to say you should have strict boundaries that push your family away (unless that's what is safest for you), it's a good thing to help your family members out when you're able or support them during tough times. But, there are some red flags that the kind of support your family needs from you is actually enmeshment. Here's what to know: 1. You make your family member's problems your own. 'Individual problems are family problems. Family problems are individual problems. There's just no distinction between an individual and the family system,' said Aparna Sagaram, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and owner of Space to Reflect in Philadelphia. The main difference between a healthy familial relationship and enmeshment is this, she noted. 'You can be there for family and listen and help out and do whatever you can, but then if you're part of an enmeshed family, then it feels like it's your responsibility to figure out how to help that family member,' Sagaram explained. There is no separation from you and the problem, and it becomes all-consuming, Sagaram added. 2. You feel guilty when you don't help a family member out. 'A big part of enmeshment is the guilt feeling,' said Sagaram. You may feel guilty for stepping away from your family, for instance, or for saying no to an outlandish request, she said. When you do try to create some space between yourself and someone's problem, you probably feel guilty 'because you feel responsible for the family problem or whatever that person's going through,' added Sagaram. Even if you are physically able to step away from it, emotionally stepping away is tough, and can add to those feelings of guilt, Sagaram said. Oftentimes, guilt is what keeps people stuck in enmeshed patterns and enmeshed dynamics, she noted. 3. You don't have any boundaries with your family. '[Enmeshment] basically comes down to family members having very weak or almost nonexistent boundaries with each other,' said Holly Humphreys, a licensed professional counselor with Thriveworks in Roanoke. As a result, family members are generally over-involved in each other's lives, which makes it really tough to create boundaries, Humphreys added. Think about it: If your mom insists on constantly asking for advice regarding a tough situation at work, it'll be hard to set a topic boundary with her. 'Even if you want to set boundaries, like, 'All right, I'm not going to take this problem on,' it takes practice to unlearn the feeling,' Sagaram said. Even if you set a boundary to not jump in and save the day, you're likely still thinking about the problem a lot. 4. You lack a sense of self. Within an enmeshed family, there are often blurred individual identities within the family, said Humphreys. This is known as emotional fusion, 'which is a struggle to differentiate their own feelings from others,' Humphreys explained. In some cases, kids in an enmeshed family may feel obligated to feel the same way their parents feel about a certain situation or a certain person, she added. So if your dad doesn't like your neighbor, you may also decide you don't like that neighbor (even if that person has been nothing but nice to you). This can make it hard to decipher how you actually feel, which makes it common for folks to struggle with their sense of identity and independence. This could look like difficulty making decisions without their parents' approval, said Humphreys. This is a learned behavior from growing up in a family where you were constantly expected to jump in and solve other folks' problems. 'You don't have space, you don't have the ability to think for yourself, because you're constantly thinking about everybody else,' added Sagaram. There wasn't time to think about what brought you joy when you were constantly checking in on family members to make sure they're OK. 5. You never disagree with family members. 'If someone grows up in a family system where there wasn't any conflict, that is kind of a sign to me that people weren't really able to differentiate from one another,' said Harris. In enmeshment, everyone does their part to uphold the family system, which likely doesn't involve much differentiation or question-asking, Harris added. It's normal to disagree with your parents, siblings, aunts and uncles — that's what makes a family a family. But, in the case of enmeshment, no one is allowed to have differing views or choices. 'A healthy relationship system allows you and me to be separate people while also being in connection with one another,' Harris said. 'An enmeshed family system says we all have to be the same to be in connection.' Differentiating would pose a threat to the family system and the roles each person plays. 6. There's too much emotional reliance. According to Humphreys, enmeshed families rely too heavily on each other emotionally, and this may be something that started when the kids in the family were young. 'This can be seen when parents rely too heavily on their children for emotional support,' said Humphreys. This often happens in families where there's a 'family secret of such' like a parent with substance abuse problems, she added. It's also common when a parent looks at their child as a therapist or 'best friend,' Humphreys noted. 'Whenever you hear parents say, 'Oh, my child is my best friend,' that's not a healthy boundary or relationship,' she said. While you want to have a good, close and fun relationship with your child, seeing them as a best friend is a blurring of boundaries, Humphreys said. Here's what to do if you are part of an enmeshed family. 'The enmeshed family system is a very complicated one, and it takes patience and time to unlearn some of those toxic dynamics,' Sagaram said. What's most important is taking it one step at a time and understanding how you actually want to show up in your family system versus how you think you should show up. 'Because there's rules, right? There's unspoken rules in enmeshed families, and recognizing what those unspoken rules are and then starting to challenge them in small ways, I think, is a really great way to break away from an enmeshed family,' Sagaram said. Key word: small. These don't have to be radical, huge changes, Harris added. Putting pressure on yourself to show up totally differently or never speak to certain people again can feel 'really flooding and overwhelming,' said Harris. Instead of going at this with an all-or-nothing mindset, simply start to make choices that align with what you actually want. This could be something like saying no to hosting a family dinner or telling your sister she needs to contribute money for your mom's birthday gift. 'That's going to create some shift, and you don't have to do anything huge — and it's OK to be scared and still do it,' Harris said. It can also be a challenge to find healthy relationships outside of your family because of the 'norms' of your upbringing. 'You want to look for a relationship that is reciprocal, whether it's a friendship, a work relationship, or significant other, if you are always the one giving, giving, giving and that's not reciprocated, you know that's that's an unhealthy relationship,' said Humphreys. It's easy to make anything the norm in your life, even if it's unhealthy — like enmeshment or an unhealthy relationship, and it takes a major shake up to make changes. 'You don't always have to give everything that you have to somebody. You are allowed to actually think about what you need and what you want,' said Humphreys. 'If you're not looking out for you, no one else is. That is your job as a person, is to look out for yourself.' Related... 7 Signs You Grew Up With Emotionally Immature Parents The 1 Thing Therapists Say Harms Your Happiness The Most 'Dry Begging' Is A Form Of Emotional Manipulation That Sounds All Too Familiar
Yahoo
23-07-2025
- General
- Yahoo
6 All-Too-Familiar Signs You Grew Up In An 'Enmeshed Family'
Having a close, loving family is a goal for most people, and while some people clearly have that, not all do — even if it seems that way from the outside. This is known as enmeshment, which is a dysfunctional pattern that can show up in any relationship, but especially within a family system. 'A lot of times people will think of enmeshment as a positive thing ... sometimes enmeshment can appear like closeness, but really it's still a dysfunctional pattern,' said Danica Harris, a somatic therapist and coach based in Texas. 'When this is present in a family system, there are not good boundaries, which means that people don't have personal agency and autonomy in the way that they ought to,' Harris noted. This isn't to say you should have strict boundaries that push your family away (unless that's what is safest for you), it's a good thing to help your family members out when you're able or support them during tough times. But, there are some red flags that the kind of support your family needs from you is actually enmeshment. Here's what to know: 1. You make your family member's problems your own. 'Individual problems are family problems. Family problems are individual problems. There's just no distinction between an individual and the family system,' said Aparna Sagaram, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and owner of Space to Reflect in Philadelphia. The main difference between a healthy familial relationship and enmeshment is this, she noted. 'You can be there for family and listen and help out and do whatever you can, but then if you're part of an enmeshed family, then it feels like it's your responsibility to figure out how to help that family member,' Sagaram explained. There is no separation from you and the problem, and it becomes all-consuming, Sagaram added. 2. You feel guilty when you don't help a family member out. 'A big part of enmeshment is the guilt feeling,' said Sagaram. You may feel guilty for stepping away from your family, for instance, or for saying no to an outlandish request, she said. When you do try to create some space between yourself and someone's problem, you probably feel guilty 'because you feel responsible for the family problem or whatever that person's going through,' added Sagaram. Even if you are physically able to step away from it, emotionally stepping away is tough, and can add to those feelings of guilt, Sagaram said. Oftentimes, guilt is what keeps people stuck in enmeshed patterns and enmeshed dynamics, she noted. 3. You don't have any boundaries with your family. '[Enmeshment] basically comes down to family members having very weak or almost nonexistent boundaries with each other,' said Holly Humphreys, a licensed professional counselor with Thriveworks in Roanoke. As a result, family members are generally over-involved in each other's lives, which makes it really tough to create boundaries, Humphreys added. Think about it: If your mom insists on constantly asking for advice regarding a tough situation at work, it'll be hard to set a topic boundary with her. 'Even if you want to set boundaries, like, 'All right, I'm not going to take this problem on,' it takes practice to unlearn the feeling,' Sagaram said. Even if you set a boundary to not jump in and save the day, you're likely still thinking about the problem a lot. 4. You lack a sense of self. Within an enmeshed family, there are often blurred individual identities within the family, said Humphreys. This is known as emotional fusion, 'which is a struggle to differentiate their own feelings from others,' Humphreys explained. In some cases, kids in an enmeshed family may feel obligated to feel the same way their parents feel about a certain situation or a certain person, she added. So if your dad doesn't like your neighbor, you may also decide you don't like that neighbor (even if that person has been nothing but nice to you). This can make it hard to decipher how you actually feel, which makes it common for folks to struggle with their sense of identity and independence. This could look like difficulty making decisions without their parents' approval, said Humphreys. This is a learned behavior from growing up in a family where you were constantly expected to jump in and solve other folks' problems. 'You don't have space, you don't have the ability to think for yourself, because you're constantly thinking about everybody else,' added Sagaram. There wasn't time to think about what brought you joy when you were constantly checking in on family members to make sure they're OK. 5. You never disagree with family members. 'If someone grows up in a family system where there wasn't any conflict, that is kind of a sign to me that people weren't really able to differentiate from one another,' said Harris. In enmeshment, everyone does their part to uphold the family system, which likely doesn't involve much differentiation or question-asking, Harris added. It's normal to disagree with your parents, siblings, aunts and uncles — that's what makes a family a family. But, in the case of enmeshment, no one is allowed to have differing views or choices. 'A healthy relationship system allows you and me to be separate people while also being in connection with one another,' Harris said. 'An enmeshed family system says we all have to be the same to be in connection.' Differentiating would pose a threat to the family system and the roles each person plays. 6. There's too much emotional reliance. According to Humphreys, enmeshed families rely too heavily on each other emotionally, and this may be something that started when the kids in the family were young. 'This can be seen when parents rely too heavily on their children for emotional support,' said Humphreys. This often happens in families where there's a 'family secret of such' like a parent with substance abuse problems, she added. It's also common when a parent looks at their child as a therapist or 'best friend,' Humphreys noted. 'Whenever you hear parents say, 'Oh, my child is my best friend,' that's not a healthy boundary or relationship,' she said. While you want to have a good, close and fun relationship with your child, seeing them as a best friend is a blurring of boundaries, Humphreys said. Here's what to do if you are part of an enmeshed family. 'The enmeshed family system is a very complicated one, and it takes patience and time to unlearn some of those toxic dynamics,' Sagaram said. What's most important is taking it one step at a time and understanding how you actually want to show up in your family system versus how you think you should show up. 'Because there's rules, right? There's unspoken rules in enmeshed families, and recognizing what those unspoken rules are and then starting to challenge them in small ways, I think, is a really great way to break away from an enmeshed family,' Sagaram said. Key word: small. These don't have to be radical, huge changes, Harris added. Putting pressure on yourself to show up totally differently or never speak to certain people again can feel 'really flooding and overwhelming,' said Harris. Instead of going at this with an all-or-nothing mindset, simply start to make choices that align with what you actually want. This could be something like saying no to hosting a family dinner or telling your sister she needs to contribute money for your mom's birthday gift. 'That's going to create some shift, and you don't have to do anything huge — and it's OK to be scared and still do it,' Harris said. It can also be a challenge to find healthy relationships outside of your family because of the 'norms' of your upbringing. 'You want to look for a relationship that is reciprocal, whether it's a friendship, a work relationship, or significant other, if you are always the one giving, giving, giving and that's not reciprocated, you know that's that's an unhealthy relationship,' said Humphreys. It's easy to make anything the norm in your life, even if it's unhealthy — like enmeshment or an unhealthy relationship, and it takes a major shake up to make changes. 'You don't always have to give everything that you have to somebody. You are allowed to actually think about what you need and what you want,' said Humphreys. 'If you're not looking out for you, no one else is. That is your job as a person, is to look out for yourself.' Related... 7 Signs You Grew Up With Emotionally Immature Parents The 1 Thing Therapists Say Harms Your Happiness The Most 'Dry Begging' Is A Form Of Emotional Manipulation That Sounds All Too Familiar
Yahoo
23-06-2025
- General
- Yahoo
‘FOPO' is a dangerous habit most people don't realize they're partaking in — here's why experts call it a ‘hidden epidemic'
There's fear of missing out, fear of a better option — and now there's 'FOPO,' another stress-inducing acronym that stands for 'fear of people's opinions.' It's human nature to care about what other people think — but letting this fear control your day-to-day can be an incredibly damaging habit that some experts believe is a constrictor of human potential. Psychologist Michael Gervais came up with the FOPO concept — which he describes as a 'hidden epidemic' — and says that people who suffer from it 'lose faith and confidence in themselves and their performance suffers,' according to Forbes. FOPO is 'primarily an anticipatory mechanism that we use, and it's a preemptive process to increase our acceptance in the eyes of others and for us to try to avoid rejection,' Gervais told HuffPost. 'And it's characterized mostly by a hypervigilance and social readiness — and what we end up doing is we scan our world for approval.' What he means is that more and more people are comparing themselves to others and seeking validation from the outside world — which ultimately causes someone to devalue themselves. Of course, social media — a way people seek approval from others through likes and comments — doesn't help either. 'And it's not so much about what's best for you anymore, it feels like what's maybe best for how others will perceive you,' Aparna Sagaram, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told HuffPost. Several examples can help you identify if you're living life with FOPO, according to Gervais. Pretending you watched a movie or TV show others are discussing, laughing at jokes that you don't find humor in, feeling anxious that you're taking too long to order at a cafe when there is a line behind you and not wanting to leave work before your boss does are just a few. If you're checking off the boxes, realizing you suffer from FOPO, Gervais told Forbes that the first step in combating it is to have a 'clear sense of purpose.' 'With FOPO, we develop a built-in mechanism to check outside ourselves to see if everything is okay. We give an inordinate amount of weight to what someone else may or may not be thinking about us,' he said. It's all about rewiring your brain, so instead of wondering, 'What does that person think of me?' 'We can rewire that mechanism to turn inward and check against our purpose. 'Am I being true to my purpose?' becomes the new reference point rather than 'Am I being liked?'' In addition to all of these damaging effects, having FOPO is also exhausting. 'FOPO burns a lot of our internal resources,' he told Forbes. And it's another thing — among many — that can lead to burnout. 'The more authentic you are, the easier it is to show up in a competent way,' Sagaram said in the HuffPost interview. 'And if you show up more competently, you're less likely to care about what others think because you feel so secure with yourself.'
Yahoo
14-06-2025
- General
- Yahoo
Do You Have 'FOPO'? Here's How To Spot The Damaging Habit.
If you're a human being, you've likely worried what your colleagues think of your outfit or if you said something dumb at a neighborhood barbecue. Our society centers other people's opinions, making them hard to ignore ― but the fear of them is also holding you back from your full potential, experts say. This occurrence is known as 'FOPO,' or fear of people's opinions, a concept named by psychologist Michael Gervais who also authored a book on the topic, 'The First Rule of Mastery: Stop Worrying About What People Think of You.' FOPO is 'primarily an anticipatory mechanism that we use, and it's a preemptive process to increase our acceptance in the eyes of others and for us to try to avoid rejection,' Gervais told HuffPost. 'And it's characterized mostly by a hypervigilance and social readiness — and what we end up doing is we scan our world for approval.' For example, you may fall into the FOPO trap every time you panic about a text message that reads 'OK,' or you might study your friend's face for any negative reactions to a funny story. 'And the reason that we're doing that is because, long ago, our brains paired safety with belonging. If we got kicked out of the tribe ... it was a near death sentence to try to survive in the wild by oneself or even with just a handful of people,' Gervais explained. Getting 'rejected by another person now is not a near death sentence, but it still feels that way.' While Gervais coined the term, Aparna Sagaram, a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Space to Reflect in Philadelphia, said the concept is also evident in her work with clients. 'This is just so familiar for a lot of ... immigrant families, where this concept of 'what will people think?' has just been ingrained in us for centuries.' The rise of social media is part of this too, Sagaram said. Between likes, follow requests and comments, social media is quite literally a call for external validation. 'And it's not so much about what's best for you anymore, it feels like what's maybe best for how others will perceive you,' Sagaram said. According to Gervais, there are three aspects of FOPO: First is the anticipatory phase, which is the feelings and thoughts that race through your mind as you get ready for a social situation. 'The second phase is checking,' Gervais said. 'So, when you're actually with somebody, you're checking for the tone of their voice, the micro-expressions, their body language — and you're checking to see if you're OK as opposed to checking to really understand the content of what they're saying or the emotions behind the content of what they're saying.' (This is why, he said, we forget people's names. We are more focused on our own survival than actually listening.) 'This anticipatory phase and this checking phase are exhausting. They're very tiring. You become an expensive organism to run. This is why fatigue is such a real deal for so many of us,' he added. The third phase is known as the responding phase. 'If you're sensing that you might be rejected or you might be looked at kind of sideways ... what people end up doing is they'll shape-shift in a way to be included,' Gervais explained. This can look like laughing at jokes you don't find funny or pretending you've seen a movie everyone else is talking about so you don't seem like an outsider. If you feel seen right now, you certainly aren't alone. How many people can truly say they have no regard for other people's opinions? Probably no one. And it wouldn't be realistic to completely disregard others' opinions either, Sagaram said. 'We live in relationships, we live in communities ... we're always interacting with other people, so it's hard to fully not care about what people think, but what's important is recognizing how much you let someone's opinion impact you,' Sagaram added. So, how can you tell if you are letting another person's opinion compromise your authenticity? According to Gervais, there are many signs that you're dealing with FOPO, but here are some common examples: Checking your phone to appear important or busy — 'that's a funny little social thing to not be totally vulnerable and socially awkward,' said Gervais. Laughing at a joke you don't find funny. Drinking at a party even when you don't want to. Dealing with ordering anxiety at a cafe to make sure you get it right and don't hold up the line behind you. Staying at your job late because your boss is still there. Lying about your age at work in an industry run by younger people. Pretending you've seen a movie you've never seen. All in all, FOPO is anything you do to avoid looking dumb in front of other people or anything you do to avoid potential rejection from a group. 'Rather than focusing on our own thoughts and feelings and experience, we ruminate on what someone else may or may not be thinking about us,' Gervais said. 'And then in doing that, we are looking outside of ourselves to see how we feel about ourselves.' In reality, people aren't paying attention to you nearly as much as you think. 'This idea that we feel like we're under a spotlight ... like others are looking at us, constantly judging and critiquing us, when actually, they're not as critical and judging as we think ― because they think that they're being judged and critiqued by you,' Gervais said. Nonetheless, worrying too much about others' opinions leads to following a path that isn't yours. You may chase the dreams and approval of others rather than your own desires, Gervais explained, and may spend life 'being who we think people want us to be, rather than who we actually are.' Good news: If you want to worry about other people's opinions less, the first step ― awareness ― is likely happening now. 'Just being aware of this concept, that there's a name for it ... it starts to discharge the power of their opinions, and so awareness is always the starting point for change,' Gervais said. It's also important to hone the skills needed to deal with the tough emotions that can come up when dealing with FOPO, like anxiety or nervousness. Breath work and self-talk can help center you during the moments you're feeling overwhelmed, Gervais said. If you struggle with FOPO, you can consider what you identify with, too. Most people have a performance-based identity because we live in a performance-based culture. This kind of identity is rooted in how well you do, not in who you are. 'Moving from a performance-based identity to a purpose-based identity, which is being a small part of something much larger, and being connected to that tends to alleviate the intensity of FOPO,' Gervais said. While you can certainly look online at lists of values and see which resonate with you, 'it is easy for it to get tangled up into what you think others think versus what you actually think. Or ... how we want to come off rather than what do we feel authentically,' Sagaram said. For this reason, Sagaram said, it can be helpful to do this values work with a mental health professional. They can help you sort through your own values and beliefs versus what society has told you. You can also try to determine your own values and authentic goals by following a therapist-backed exercise. 'Let's say you're in your 30s, and you're going to think back to your 20s and say, 'Oh, man, I wish I didn't really care what people thought' ... what are the things that come up for you around that?' Sagaram gave as an example. (The same can be said for being in your 40s and looking back at your 30s or being in your 50s and looking back on your 40s and so on.) This can be a good way to recognize what you're missing out on when you carry other people's expectations and opinions, she said. 'It's a good exercise to get yourself thinking ... it's not necessarily regrets, but it's just like, 'I wish I cared less about what these people thought, maybe things could have looked different or maybe I could have enjoyed that experience more,'' said Sagaram. An example of this is your body image, she added. Maybe you spent lots of time in your 20s worrying about how you looked, but when you look back at pictures, you're totally happy with your looks. This may cause you to wonder why you spent so much time caring about your looks when you could have enjoyed experiences and events instead of searching for external validation, said Sagaram. 'And now here I am, in my 30s, still fixated on how I look.' Sagaram added that having self-confidence can be a way to understand your values and, in turn, care less about people's opinions. This way, you'll believe in yourself and know that you know what's best for you, not someone else. 'The more authentic you are, the easier it is to show up in a competent way,' Sagaram said. 'And if you show up more competently, you're less likely to care about what others think because you feel so secure with yourself.' There Are 5 'Stress Languages.' Here's How To Figure Out Yours. Therapists Say These 6 Common Habits Are Fueling Your Anxiety More And More People Have 'Lifestyle Fatigue.' Maybe You Do, Too.
