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Boston Globe
25-05-2025
- General
- Boston Globe
I love flowers. Why doesn't my husband buy them for me?
I'd like to think it's not worth throwing all this away because he doesn't get me flowers, but on the other hand … why doesn't he? Advertisement Idk… FLOWERLESS IN BOSTON A. This has to go beyond flowers. Because as we all know, and write your name in the sand. (Thank you, Miley.) I'll assume that the lack of 'tailoring' with gifts is the issue across the board. Perhaps your partner shows up with a generic mall gift card on birthdays. Maybe he saves all gifts for big holidays. Meanwhile, you're the kind of person who wants little tokens of affection on a random Tuesday. I don't know if his instincts will change, but I do think you can give him some tips. Tell him you like presents that are for you, specifically. You might encourage him to make a list of things you like — from objects to activities — and then use it for ideas. Advertisement Remind him he can ask for help. It's OK to text someone's friend and say, 'What would she love right now?' Also, if you'd rather have flowers than any other birthday gift, make that clear. Flowers are so much easier to buy than shirts, earrings, or electronics. Basically, you leave the hard part to the florist. It might be helpful for your partner to know that all he has to do is walk into a flower shop. You didn't say anything about why you are committed to this man, but you called him the love of your life. That means a lot. I have to imagine he's good at many things, including showing up . Make your own list of the ways you do feel seen by him. If the list isn't long, and you don't feel seen, that's a bigger problem — one that's a lot bigger than flowers. MEREDITH Related : READERS RESPOND: I'm not a flower person; but I also don't get how people are very specific on the exact gifts they want. To me, that takes out the intention of letting someone express love and affection in the way they want (de-icing a car, bringing home a favorite pint of ice cream, making coffee in the morning, sending a sweet text). I guess I just don't get how meaningful it will be if you feel you need to be relentless and demand flowers. Will that REALLY be special?!! BKLYNMOM He isn't going to change. You call him the love of your life, so presumably the relationship is satisfying in other ways. Advertisement DANGLEPARTICIPLE My ex-husband used to buy me beautiful flowers before we were married and then he turned [awful] after, so you could focus on the positive aspects of your relationship. LEGALLYLIZ2017 Related : My husband and I got a Costco membership, and whenever we are there near a birthday, anniversary, Mother's Day, etc., he has me pick out a bouquet. Not the most romantic, but I still get flowers that are beautiful, and pretty cost effective since Costco is a good deal. THEGOODPLACE20 ^I hope he also gets you a Costco hot dog on the way out. That's true love, baby. (Disclosure: I am a big Costco fan and this comment is in no way meant as sarcasm!) STRIPEYCAT Send your own relationship and dating questions to or Catch new episodes of wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from .
Boston Globe
02-05-2025
- General
- Boston Globe
He said ‘I love you' … once
After another couple of months, I mentioned that he had said it that one time but never again. I asked him if his feelings changed. His response was that he had no recollection of even saying it. The conversation that followed made it evident that he saw saying 'I love you' meant commitment to him. He was simply not at a place in his life where he was able to commit. 'If' he said it, it was because he was 'in the moment.' I'm quoting him. I may not ever be able to utter the words again. And how do I trust that someone is being genuine if it is ever said to me again? Advertisement IN THE MOMENT A. After months of dating, were you really in love with this man? Was it an I-can-see-this-person's-soul kind of love? Or more of a this-seems-pretty-exciting-let's-keep-dating love? Advertisement You say you were 'very much in love,' but it was so new. Maybe it was more about hope and excitement. I say this whenever we get an 'I love you' letter: Please define what you mean when you say it, especially to yourself. It felt amazing to hear the words from this man, and thrilling to say them back. You wanted to take every opportunity to share! That might reveal more about your previous relationship than this recent one. Related : You ask how to trust someone who says it in the future. Really, it's about consistency and thoughtfulness. If they say it once and never again, that tells you plenty. If they say it while you're driving to the grocery store, as opposed to in the heat of passion, that might show you even more. If they say it when the relationship is still new, please know that things could change. 'I like hanging out with you' might be a better and more honest place to start. MEREDITH READERS RESPOND: This has nothing to do with anyone saying 'I love you.' It's all about you. The real issue is why you stayed in a marriage with a husband who was in love with someone else … for decades. EACB I think you will know if it's genuine when: 1) it's not just blurted out during a moment of passion; and … 2) ACTION, not just words. It supports that they genuinely care and appreciate you. Take things slow and allow trust and love to develop over time. BKLYNMOM You're being gaslighted. Big time. As you probably were in your decades-long marriage. See a therapist; people who lack confidence are drawn to people who gaslight. Stand up for yourself and toss the loser aside. Advertisement BIGSIGH My husband and I rarely say 'I love you,' but how he behaves is what tells me that he does, and I think that's often more meaningful. Lots of little selfless acts that show me he's caring. RCDER Related : I've always heard that saying 'I love you' is cultural ― New England men in particular find it hard to say, but men of Italian descent find it easy. So, my advice is to find someone whose feelings about the 'I love you' thing are compatible with yours. Use this as a test for whom to get involved with. That should make your dating life ― any any future married life ― much easier. OUTOFORDER As for future relationships, I'd perhaps try to find someone closer aligned to your propensity to commit early. Let's say you're using a dating app, maybe be upfront about your passion for a relationship, something along the lines of 'when I find someone who I'm physically and emotionally compatible with, I let them know how important they are to me. If you're not one to validate those same feelings, please consider looking elsewhere, as I'm after a long-term, loving relationship.' Maybe being upfront will match you with an ideal partner. Good luck. SOXSUPPORTER This isn't the guy for you. But in future relationships, you can make your desires known when getting to know someone. For example, on one of your first dates, you ask them, 'What are your relationship goals?' And then you can tell them yours ('I am looking for a committed guy who loves verbal affection and romance as much as I do'). Sure, some guys will balk and reject you because they are not looking for a commitment in general, or just don't see themselves falling in love with you. Don't even take it personally. Just keep dating and being honest, and you can find a guy that mutually clicks with you. Classic advice, but … don't even bother to worry about 'I love yous' until you are already an obvious, well-established couple and it officially means something when you say it to each other. Advertisement LITTLEPENGUIN456 Send your own relationship and dating questions to or Catch new episodes of wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from .
Boston Globe
16-02-2025
- General
- Boston Globe
Found someone from my past
Related : It was just before Christmas. Eventually he told me his year was so depressing that he suffered from major mental health issues. I decided to put the brakes on the feel-good hormones. He has teenage kids, and he's only separated from his wife. There's still a lot to work out in his marriage. I haven't heard back from him and I haven't reached out either. But I want to. Do I? Advertisement CONTACT Related : A. If you owe him a text, sure, go for it, but for now, consider this is a friendship. If you don't owe him a message, leave it alone. He told you his life is complicated right now. He didn't ask for help or company. This whole thing started with a google session that led to a fact-finding mission . I'm guessing you did all that because you want real connection right now. You're trying to find people from your past because you're seeking … something . Companionship. Things to look forward to. You can find that without hopping into a time machine. It's amazing how quickly we can develop a shared history with someone new . All you have to do is find the right people. That's not always easy, I know. But if you go out, join groups, volunteer — all the things we talk about every week in Love Letters — your world starts to grow. Little by little. My advice is to look for someone who's available and detached from your history. If you do reach out to this former friend one more time, let him know you're around if he's ever in a good place to welcome company. MEREDITH Related : READERS RESPOND: I think what all of this means is that you are definitely interested in some sort of relationship (or just a romance), and that you really should be bending your energies to finding someone who is available, who is ready, and who is close. Advertisement JSMUS Lonely, middle-aged people do enjoy the time machine as it takes them back to the glory days when their fellow friends/students knew them at their peak of perfection. So they kind of want to coast on that foundational memory. Meeting someone new is more difficult but honest and rational. AUNTTIGGYWINK What happens when one's adrenaline stops rushing? One crashes. You gave him what he wanted … a sounding board. You aren't his caretaker so let him be himself. And when you start an interest in someone and he reveals that he has major mental health issues, it is perfectly acceptable to move on to someone else. BIGSIGH Leave this guy alone. He's had a rough year and more importantly, he's separated not divorced. I mean if you really just want to have a friend-with-benefits, nothing is stopping you, but it sounds like you see stars in the eyes and want more. He's NOT in that place. Use this as a sign that you're ready to date other people and get to know other people. I get it that you were excited to connect with someone from the past, but this doesn't sound like it will be something solid, given his current situation. Let it go. BKLYNMOM Ball is in his court and doesn't seem like he wants to play at this point. LEFTYLUCY7 Send your own relationship and dating questions to or Catch new episodes of wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from . Advertisement
