19 hours ago
How to help men make friends — in a field in Devon
It's Saturday night and eight middle-aged men gather in a field in south Devon, many of them strangers.
At first they exchange awkward handshakes, but these soon become arm-locks. This is a self-defence class with a deeper mission. By the end of the session they're laughing, hugging and talking like old friends. Combat drills become camaraderie.
Leading the charge is Ben Stafford-Davies, 33, who turns muddy fields into modern-day meeting grounds. His quest? To teach men the lost art of friendship — through old-school meet ups, sparring, ice baths, DIY skills and the great outdoors, they're re-igniting a lost art for male souls, forgotten by many since days in the playground.
Originally from South Africa, Stafford-Davies landed in England in 2011 not knowing many people. 'London was lonely,' he admits. He yearned for the type of community that he'd left 6,000 miles away in his homeland. After a stint teaching, Covid gave him time to reflect and commit to becoming a men's coach.
He and his wife, Francesca, 37, set their sights on Devon, and in 2023, after months of searching, they found a three-quarters of an acre plot close to the small coastal town of Wembury, near to Plymouth Sound, Devon. For Ben, who calls himself a 'man of nature', it was perfect: 11 fruit trees, four green houses and a polytunnel. 'We were told viewings and blind bids had to be in within days, and we couldn't get down in time. So, we took a monumental leap of faith, bidding £78,050 — our entire life savings, for a piece of land unseen. The same day, we got the call: it was ours!'
The couple packed their bags and moved with ambitions of off-grid living. Part of that dream involved a tiny house as a symbol of their minimalist, sustainable values, which was made more meaningful after they got engaged in one. 'Sadly, it wasn't to be,' Ben said. 'Regulations mean that as soon as you are seen to be living permanently on the land you change its 'use case' from agricultural to residential, and that requires planning approval — even having a toothbrush and a bottle of milk inside a tiny home would have been deemed as someone living there. Added to that were some unexpected costs amounting to another £50,000,' he says.
Instead they bought and converted a Ford Transit van, affectionately named Doris, which allowed them to split their time between their land and a family-owned flat in Kingsbridge, 45 minutes away. The property is as an Airbnb when they're staying on site. 'Living in the van is quite freeing — the land is a real diamond. We didn't even know that you could see the sea when we bought it!' he laughs. 'At night we fall asleep to owls hooting and waves rolling in. It's pure serenity.'
The relocation revealed a dark truth, however. 'Moving from London to a rural community, I saw how the male loneliness crisis was even more stark than I'd realised. One in three UK men have no close friends. This loneliness fuels horrifying male suicide rates — the leading cause of death for men aged under 50, with mental health efforts often intervening too late,' he says.
An Office for National Statistics report from 2023 shows that the suicide rate for men in England and Wales has risen — it increased to 17.4 deaths per 100,000, the highest rate in 26 years. There is an undeniable decline in public spaces for men to gather. There are fewer working men's clubs and church attendance is falling; with cost of living spikes, many men can't afford a daily pint at the pub either.
His solution? Invested Friends — a grassroots movement that blends practical activities with genuine connection. 'If we can make friends while doing something productive, we'd be prioritising our friendships more. Most men have one emotional safe space — their partner,' Ben observes. 'That's beautiful, but unsustainable. It leads to compassion fatigue.'
He is clear that what he offers is not therapy but a way to build practical connections, and kill two birds with one stone by saving money with a skills swap. 'We do spearfishing, whiskey tasting, exercises sessions, camper van hangouts, ultimate frisbee and sit around a campfire. Added to this is that we help each other to save money by trading expertise for free.' These connections have kept countless men from slipping into depression, the field serving as a meeting place and a sanctuary.
'In essence it's many things. One aspect is leveraging the Ben Franklin effect, which demonstrates that those who ask for help make themselves more likeable and seemingly open to friendship. Our WhatsApp group is a place where men can express their need for help, and others respond,' Ben says.
DIY Wednesdays are another feature. Although not the most typical way to build lifelong friendships, they lean into that idea that men become pals by sharing experiences. 'We have a group where we all pitch in to help share the load of DIY jobs — so far we have joined forces to sort out welding and rust proofing, we've painted a van, cleared out and sorted a workshop, put up cabinets and installed a new Ikea kitchen — all while chatting and deepening our friendships.'
Ben keeps costs to a minimum by asking participants to take turns leading workshops. There is a 60-day free trial, after which members are 'invested', with a monthly fee of £5. Only the 'sexy events', such as the popular 'fire and ice' sessions — sauna followed by ice baths and breath work — carry a bigger cost, which helps to sustain the project.
There are camp outs too. One involved an early morning wake-up followed by six hours in the water spearfishing. 'We didn't catch much but we did chat a lot!' he laughs.
Reaching out and growing the community is done digitally, through Instagram, Facebook and TikTok, but it's not long after an online connection is made that it transforms into a real-life one.
'As to what makes a good life, history shows it's not money, success, status or fame. The strongest predictor for a happy existence is solid friendships, and that's why I'll continue doing this, because what matters more than happiness?' Ben says. And under a Devon sky in a simple field, there's a quiet revolution happening. Men are making friends, one bear hug and one activity at a time.
