7 hours ago
- Entertainment
- Time of India
Captain America's new coach
The writer is an author, entrepreneur and host of the satirical podcast 'The Nation Wants No More'
Bibi's an edgy chap who's rewriting the playbook: Now every duck by a player is a coded attack signal
America has just been made great again. It's thrown out the dusty constitution, the will of its simple hardworking people, and outsourced the brain of its executive. Its leadership no longer goes by the book.
They go by Coach Bibi. No, not the fair-playing, rulebook-led grey-haired bloke you imagine. But an edgy chap who thinks every duck by a player is a coded attack signal.
Bibi sees a threat everywhere – the kind that only he can spot. Limited edition Bibi-goggles, mostly trained on the barbecue fires in people's back yards, saw 'most dangerous weapons' being cobbled together. Bibi's words, not mine.
The International Atomic Energy Agency brought its own binos to double-check. They faithfully reported it was meat, not plutonium – no heavy water in the mocktail mix. It wrote a memo too. But the voice of Coach Bibi was too loud, too repetitive. One has to, after all, listen to the force of civilisation.
Enter Donald, uhh…Captain America to the world, who was really just a VIP bystander in the match in which Bibi was lead coach.
Perfect opportunity, coach! Rope him in before your boys tire out, they haven't had a break for months now. Make Donald think Team America is playing in a match between Team Israel and Team Iran – a game America isn't even in. Confuse him, let him lend you his boys so you can end the match before the coin toss.
So the coach muddies the playbook, which is easy to do. He starts with a few pre-game videos. Grainy stuff, with a bit of AI generated magic in which a bunch of unknowns are supposedly sloganeering 'Death to America', and some rookies are tripping and falling. A few knees bruised and so on; you know how it is when boys play rough.
'They think they can play rough?' says Captain America, 'Oh boy, I can play rougher.'
'Strike the barbecue pits to end the game,' whispers the coach. 'No food, no energy, no game.'
And that's how we have all ended up watching a fixed match – big, beautiful, magnificent and utterly avoidable. Game on.
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