Latest news with #ButBetter:TheScienceandPromiseofPersonalityChange
Boston Globe
28-03-2025
- Lifestyle
- Boston Globe
Shy at dinner parties? Afraid to surf? Here's how to change your personality in five steps.
That's what Atlantic reporter (and new mom) Olga Khazan set out to determine in her new book, 'Me, But Better: The Science and Promise of Personality Change.' Khazan, a self-confessed neurotic who's sometimes shy, wanted to see if she could modify her persona based on five key personality traits: extroversion (do you organize block parties or hide from your neighbors at Target?); conscientiousness (are you self-disciplined or do you eat all the Thin Mints in one sitting?); agreeableness (are you warm and empathetic?); openness (If a friend asked you to join a line-dancing class, would you say yes?); and neuroticism (Do you tend toward depression or anxiety?). Get Starting Point A guide through the most important stories of the morning, delivered Monday through Friday. Enter Email Sign Up Khazan used Advertisement Sign up for Parenting Unfiltered. Globe staff #mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ Subscribe * indicates required E-mail * What made you want to set out to write a book like this? Were you striving to be someone else? I was at a crossroads in life. I was feeling undermined by my reactions to situations. Often, something would happen, and I would react disproportionately to how bad it was. The intro of the book is about me getting a bad haircut with photos taken and then having this huge meltdown. After that happened, I was like: Was it really that bad, or do I have a tendency to suck the good out of things and dwell on the bad stuff? Advertisement At the same time, I was trying to decide whether I wanted to have a baby. I felt like a lot of my approaches to the world, or outlook on life, was not ideal for being a mom. I was anxious and stressed all the time, and I also had a tendency to kind of see the worst in people. I was looking at the lives of moms that I knew, who were being playful and empathetic — and having to roll with the punches a little bit. And I didn't currently have those skills. What overrode your concerns and helped you decide to have a baby? I was sitting by our community pool one day, and there were a bunch of kids playing, having so much fun. They were having way more fun than you or I do doing basically anything. I think it was just this epiphany, a realization that life is about sharing these fun experiences with other people. I think other people have this realization much, much earlier than I did. But I was like: There's not a vacation that you can go on that will compare with what it's like to have and take care of a child. Let's talk about each trait that you tried to change. Extroversion seems straightforward. Did you just reach out to more people? Try new things? I would really recommend signing up for something that recurs regularly and that involves the same group of people over and over again, and that you can't back out of very easily. Advertisement If you're just like: 'I'm going to get drinks more with my friends,' you'll end up in scheduling hell and never actually do anything. In this day and age, what I found most effective is just to commit to an activity and show up. I did improv! And I started to realize that, when I'm feeling out of sorts, or just sad or withdrawn, the answer for me is often not to spend more time alone — but to connect with other people. It's something that I've really tried to do more of, especially as a new mom. I'm in a new mom's group, and now I really try to reach out to other new moms in order to even text each other: Is poop supposed to be this color? The answer to that question is yes, it's supposed to be all the colors. What did you learn about conscientiousness? I was already pretty conscientious. I never really drank too much, but I did drink a glass of wine every day, pretty much. I stopped drinking when I didn't feel like it. Often, I would drink when I was in a social situation and felt uncomfortable. I learned to let the uncomfortable feeling kind of hang there, or be someone else's problem. I don't know that it required a change for me, but this is something that conscientious people do. I also normally drink during movies that I don't like. Instead, I said, 'No, I'm not going to watch this.' And I went upstairs. I decided that, if I don't want to be doing something, if I don't want to be talking to someone, if a situation is awkward, that I wasn't going to drink to fix it. Advertisement Author Olga Khazan Handout As I've gotten older, drinking is less worth it. I sound like an old lady, but nothing beats a good night's sleep. Next up: agreeableness. I did a variety of things that were all aimed at helping me understand people better. I tried to have more empathy for people who make me angry. I think I subconsciously was going through life thinking that people had it out for me, or just were not considerate, or were thinking about themselves. This is called inflammatory labeling in psychology: deciding someone has the worst intentions possible. What I learned is that most people are just kind of bumbling through life. I ended up having a lot more empathy in particular for my husband, who was my boyfriend at the time, which has really come in handy for new parenthood and the stresses of that. There are a lot of times when it's like: 'OK, who put the diapers in the freezer?' We're both so tired and we're both grinding so hard in the trenches that I don't really get as mad at him anymore, because I completely know what it's like to be so tired that you put the diapers in the freezer or the ice cream in the fridge. It happens to the best of us. What about openness? Is that change sustainable? One thing that seems to really help people cultivate openness is having what's called a peak experience: running a marathon, climbing up a big mountain that's been a dream of yours for a long time, surfing. Giving birth was not a peak experience for me, but for a lot of people it is. Advertisement So I decided to learn how to surf. Honestly, it was very mind-blowing. I would recommend doing an activity or some kind of challenge that feels very unusual to you or unique. The last one is neuroticism. That's my biggie. Did you overcome it? Did you embrace it? I learned how to live with it, if that makes sense. I think I turned down the anxiety a little bit, and I think I turned down the depression a lot. I had to internalize that a lot of things that happen are out of our control, and I think that was really hard for me to admit or acknowledge or live by. I'm really careful, and I work hard, and I balance my checkbook. I thought that, if I worked hard enough and was a straight-A student, bad things wouldn't happen to me, or I could make everything go exactly my way. What I learned, especially about Buddhism, in a meditation class and through my adventuring, is that [expletive] happens to all of us. I [needed] to be a little bit kinder to myself when it does happen and when I've done everything within my power to prevent it. What's the takeaway? Do people like you more now? Do you like yourself? I think probably people will like you better if you do this, at least some people. But I think a more important reason is that it will make you happier. High levels of most of these traits, other than neuroticism, are associated with well-being, health and happiness. It's just more beneficial for you to be less anxious or to socially connect more, or to have less angry or less difficult relationships in your life. If you're really uncomfortable with 'changing yourself,' you could see this as tools that you're going to use in order to cope better with various situations. I was going to say: There's such a movement now when, if a friend disappoints you, just break up with them. Everyone is over-scheduled, so be an introvert and bed rot. This book is a nice counterpoint, actually. Do you feel now that you're a changed person? I think in some ways, my mind was changed about a few things. I do think that the trend toward just getting away from everyone, everyone is toxic, has gone too far. I think you do have to have some relationships in your life, and I think these strategies can help you manage those relationships better. It's kind of like diet and exercise: You end up having to eat the salmon and the broccoli regularly for the rest of your life. And that's true of a lot of these personality change techniques. It's a new set of habits and behaviors, if you want to keep up the changes. Interview has been excerpted and condensed. Kara Baskin can be reached at
Bloomberg
21-03-2025
- Entertainment
- Bloomberg
Can You Really Change Your Personality as an Adult?
When I was in middle school, I was so quiet that I secretly looked forward to exams: At least no one would expect me to talk. I dreaded recess and found relief in ballet class, where silence was the rule. Two decades later, the necessity of spending hours alone is my least favorite thing about being a writer. But I have occasionally wondered: Is my 12-year-old persona the 'real' one? Am I somehow faking my enjoyment of parties? I found some consolation in Olga Khazan's new book Me, But Better: The Science and Promise of Personality Change (Simon & Schuster, March 11), which argues that our personalities evolve over the course of our lives — whether through concerted effort or just through growing up. When we meet Khazan, she is 36 years old and lucky in both love and work: She has a patient, doting boyfriend and a creatively fulfilling job. Yet she struggles to enjoy her bounty, and crumbles in the face of minor setbacks. When an unflattering haircut and a bout of rush hour traffic leave her weeping into a glass of wine, decrying her life as 'nonstop stress and torture,' she resolves to tackle her self-defeating tendencies.
Vox
11-03-2025
- Entertainment
- Vox
Introverts should (sometimes) act like extroverts
is a staff writer for The Atlantic and the author of Me, But Better: The Science and Promise of Personality Change . If I ever need a reminder that I'm not a natural extrovert, I need only to look at the journal I kept during the early days of my improv classes. 'I am having incredible dread about improv tomorrow,' I wrote one day. 'I would literally pay any amount to get out of this class,' I moaned on another. 'You can't be bad at improv, but I feel like I am bad at improv,' I wrote after a class during which I gave up in the middle of a game called Big Booty and said simply, 'I can't take this anymore.' I had enrolled in improv because I was trying to become more extroverted, as part of a sweeping personality-change project that I document in my new book, Me, But Better. Extroversion is one of the 'big five' personality traits that scientists say make up a person's disposition, along with openness to experience, conscientiousness, agreeableness, and neuroticism. Extroversion is associated with socializing and cheerfulness, and as a hardened introvert, I knew I needed a mechanism to force me out of my house and into gregariousness. Improv seemed like the full-immersion extrovert experience. These perks of extroversion would only reveal themselves to me in time, after many, many hours of playing Zip Zap Zop against my will. But it wasn't going well, and at times, I thought about dropping the class or giving up altogether. Even after I got better at improv, I still felt nervous before every class. And the other activities I was doing to boost my extroversion — like going on long hikes with strangers — were only mildly pleasant, at best. I had this notion that, since I was an introvert, I should avoid difficult social situations like, well, improv class. I'm glad I didn't give up, though. It turns out that behaving in an extroverted way can have surprising benefits, even if you're an introvert. And these perks of extroversion would only reveal themselves to me in time, after many, many hours of playing Zip Zap Zop against my will. What spurts of extroversion can do for introverts Compared to introverts, extroverts are happier, research unfortunately shows. An exhaustingly chirpy series of studies has found that social connection is one of the strongest predictors of well-being, and extroverts are more socially connected. In lab experiments, extroverts tend to interpret ambiguous stimuli more positively, hearing the word 'won' rather than 'one,' for example, or writing more uplifting short stories based on generic prompts. People who are extroverted as teenagers remain happier even when they're 60. Vox Culture Culture reflects society. Get our best explainers on everything from money to entertainment to what everyone is talking about online. Email (required) Sign Up By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Notice . This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply. I understand that introverts might not be thrilled to hear this — I wasn't, either. But Sonja Lyubomirsky, a psychologist who has studied this phenomenon, says it's worth focusing less on the 'extrovert' part of this and more on the fact that these individuals are more enmeshed in community. 'Connection is really the key to happiness,' Lyubomirsky told me. And there are ways to square your natural introversion with the universal human need for connection. You don't have to mingle with everyone at the office party, for instance. You can just call a trusted friend for a one-on-one conversation. Even hanging out with others and listening more than you talk can be a form of 'extroversion,' Lyubomirsky says. One surprising thing Introverts may believe that behaving like extroverts means going against their nature — but this doesn't bother us as much as we might think. In one study, introverts even reported feeling truer to themselves when they were behaving like extroverts. While it's true that extroverts enjoy talking, people, and attention, they also enjoy activity, period. Therefore, to boost your own levels of extroversion, you can just sign up for an activity — in addition to improv, I tried sailing — and commit to going, even if you don't plan to talk much. Though there's nothing wrong with being an introvert, several studies have shown that when introverts occasionally behave in extroverted ways, they experience more 'positive affect' — science-speak for good feelings. 'I started doing these studies because I didn't believe them,' says John Zelenski, a psychology professor at Carleton University who has replicated this finding, and who himself is introverted. But 'it absolutely seems correct that if you get people to act extroverted — and usually, that means socializing for a few minutes — there's a big mood boost there.' The reason for this twist is that behaving against our natures doesn't bother us as much as we fear it might. In one study, introverts even reported feeling truer to themselves when they were behaving like extroverts. That's because, much as we might prize authenticity, we have other desires, too. We want to handle difficult situations appropriately, feel embraced by others, and accomplish our goals — and most of us also want to feel happier and more connected. Sometimes, achieving those things means going against our 'natural' personality traits. 'Lots of things that we may not initially like doing actually really benefit us,' says Lyubomirsky, who, as an example, offered that she now loves running but took a while to get into it. 'A lot of things in life don't feel natural at first. … Just because it doesn't feel comfortable and natural doesn't mean it's not authentic.' Authenticity can come from familiarity, and the only way to build familiarity is through experience. A desire to remain 'authentic' is one reason people may balk at the idea of changing themselves — either through personality change or otherwise. But living authentically can also mean acting in ways that feel, at first, uncomfortable, as long as those actions draw you closer to your values and goals. Many of us, if we followed the North Star of 'authenticity,' would quit our jobs, neglect our families, and watch Love Is Blind all day. But what is instinctive is not always best. This doesn't mean behaving like an extrovert constantly, just occasionally. I told Zelenski about a time I had to collect 'man on the street' interviews as a reporter — a horrible task that involves approaching random strangers and lobbing questions at them in an attempt to find a pattern of responses for your story. One freezing cold night in New Jersey, I didn't conceal my misery well enough. As I mangled my words and rubbed my hands together, one woman looked at me with pity and said, 'Don't worry, you're almost done.' 'After a while, it does get old,' Zelenski acknowledged. How to coax out your inner extrovert To figure out how to get better at these forays into extroversion, I called up Gillian Sandstrom, a senior lecturer in psychology at the University of Sussex in the UK. More importantly for my purposes, she talks to strangers — on the street, on vacation, even in the sacred space of the London Tube. She researches the power of 'weak ties,' casual acquaintances with whom we interact, but usually only briefly. People who have lots of weak ties, who make eye contact and idle chitchat with baristas and neighbors, feel happier than those who don't, her studies find. Initially, her research felt alien to me. I had stopped working in an office when the pandemic started, and I didn't miss it at all. I live in the suburbs, so I don't interact with many people unless I make a point to — and I usually don't. Sandstrom told me she's the same way: She's an introvert and tends to avoid demanding social situations. But she uses talking to strangers as a coping mechanism of sorts. If she's in a big, crowded room, she finds someone who's off by themselves and starts a one-on-one conversation. One way to open such a conversation is by making a statement, rather than asking a question. For instance, when Sandstrom is on public transportation, she'll test the waters by complimenting the person sitting next to her. (She recommends remarking on something other than their looks.) Or, she'll comment on something in the environment — if they have a suitcase, she'll ask where they're going. One time, she was walking in a park and noticed a man smiling at some ducks. 'Aren't they cute?' Sandstrom said. She and the man ended up chatting for half an hour, since they were walking in the same direction. At the end of her conversations, Sandstrom just says something like, 'Thank you, it's been nice talking to you,' and walks off. Just like a mediocre movie wouldn't make you swear off cinema forever, one bad conversation shouldn't keep you from trying again. I told Sandstrom that I don't miss my weak ties much, and I'm not really one for small talk. We either have to get to the bottom of your childhood trauma, or we're not talking at all. The thing is, she pointed out, most weak ties probably aren't going to become long-term relationships. I needed to set the stakes way lower. Her conversations tend to last just a few minutes, and sometimes, they're nothing special. But just like a mediocre movie wouldn't make you swear off cinema forever, one bad conversation shouldn't keep you from trying again. Over time, these weak ties do benefit us, even if we don't especially notice them. They make us feel woven into the social fabric, Sandstrom says, like we're part of something bigger. 'When I do talk to people, I feel better,' she told me. 'It's almost always at least an average experience.' And when a conversation is unusually engaging, 'it feels awesome, because I wouldn't expect there to be anything coming from it.' As I sped home from my first improv class, I detected something that, honestly, floored me. I was smiling. Even though I would continue to dread it for months, something about the whole exercise was just so fun. I'm rarely immersed in something that's meant to be light and exuberant, as opposed to correct or exacting. Because it was the middle of the pandemic, it had been months since I'd socialized with a group of people. The electricity of improv had invigorated me, in spite of myself.
Boston Globe
21-02-2025
- General
- Boston Globe
The most anticipated parenting (and parenting-adjacent) books of spring 2025
'Me, But Better: The Science and Promise of Personality Change' Olga Khazan, who is anxious and neurotic (join the club!), embarks on a quest to change her personality in just one year. The result is a mix of scientific reporting and immersive anecdata illustrating the malleability of the big-five personality traits: extroversion, agreeableness, openness, neuroticism, and conscientiousness. She also writes about personality transformation and new motherhood on her very funny Substack. It's out on Tuesday, March 11. Get Starting Point A guide through the most important stories of the morning, delivered Monday through Friday. Enter Email Sign Up 'Raising Calm Kids in a World of Worry: Tools to Ease Anxiety and Overwhelm' Advertisement Speaking of anxiety, family therapists Ashley Graber and Maria Evans offer a blueprint for understanding and managing kids' worries, with an emphasis on regulating your own emotions and identifying the best times to bring up challenging topics. Will definitely peruse before engaging with my 14-year-old about his missing homework for the 298th time. It just came out. Sign up for Parenting Unfiltered. Globe staff #mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ Subscribe * indicates required E-mail * 'Who Needs College Anymore?: Imagining a Future Where Degrees Won't Matter' Or maybe I should rethink why I'm bugging him about homework at all. Education Design Lab founder Kathleen deLaski, a longtime education reformist, presents a case for equipping kids with non-college pathways and skills to survive in this economy. She presents ideas ranging from apprenticeships to certification programs — and imagines creative ways for colleges to rethink their curricula to meet a new moment. If you've ever wondered where $60,000 per year goes and whether it's all worth it, this book is for you. It's out on Tuesday, Feb. 25. 'The Seven Principles for Raising A Self-Driven Child' Authors Bill Stixrud (a clinical neuropsychologist specializing in childhood anxiety) and Ned Johnson (who runs an educational planning and tutoring service in Washington, D.C.) have encountered streams of high-achieving kids crippled by worry over their academic futures. This book explains how to calmly give them control over their lives and emotions instead of relying on test scores or a college acceptance letter to dictate happiness. It's out on Tuesday, March 25. Advertisement 'Maternal Ambivalence: The Loving Moments & Bitter Truths of Motherhood' What if you resent your kid? What if you feel angry or bored a lot of the time? In a world where curated versions of motherhood persist and undermine, this book from psychotherapist Margo Lowy is a helpful counterpoint that normalizes and unpacks messier emotions that can make so many people feel like not-good-enough parents. It's out on Tuesday, March 11. 'The Power of Parting' That said, not every family relationship is built to last. Simon & Schuster vice president and executive editor Eamon Dolan switches roles to write this book about estrangement from his abusive mom, a process that was liberating. His book offers a roadmap for disentangling and healing from fraught family relationships, something that isn't widely discussed even though roughly 27 percent of Americans are estranged from at least one family member. It's out on Tuesday, April 1. 'The Family Dynamic: A Journey into the Mystery of Sibling Success' Pulitzer Prize-winner (and twin mom) Susan Dominus examines the trajectories of ultra-successful siblings from a range of backgrounds to determine what they have in common. Turns out intelligence and connectedness only go so far: Healthy sibling relationships matter a lot, too. Maybe don't read this when refereeing a fight between your children (or after reading Dolan's book). It's out on Tuesday, May 6. Advertisement 'Second Life: Having a Child in the Digital Age' Authentic or algorithm? New York Times internet-pop culture writer Amanda Hess navigates the thorny, isolating online world of pregnancy trackers, chat forums, online parenting communities, mom-fluencers, and more, which serve to optimize — and complicate — modern parenthood. If this doesn't make you contemplate leaving Instagram once and for all, nothing will. It's also out on Tuesday, May 6. 'Cook Once Eat Twice: Time-Saving Recipes to Help You Get Ahead in the Kitchen' Now for something soothing: 'Great British Baking Show' champion Nadiya Hussain shares accessible, batch- and freezer-friendly meals that lend themselves to economical ingredients, advance prep, and non-depressing leftovers. It's out on Tuesday, March 18. Naptime? Handout 'Poems of Parenting' and 'Mama Needs a Minute' Last but not least, some laughs: 'Sesame Street' and 'Ms. Rachel' artist Loryn Brantz's book of cheeky poetry is the perfect baby shower gift. It's out on Tuesday, April 8. Pair it with 'Mama Needs a Minute,' a comic memoir about surviving the triumphs and travails of parenthood from Mom_Life Comics Instagram sensation (and Cape Cod resident) Mary Catherine Starr. It's out on Tuesday, March 11. Happy browsing! Kara Baskin can be reached at
