Latest news with #CarolineFleck
Forbes
26-05-2025
- Health
- Forbes
Validation: Here's How These Skills Can Transform Your Relationships
Psychologist, author and adjunct instructor at Stanford University Caroline Fleck, PhD, has a new ... More book out entitled Validation: How the Skill Set That Revolutionized Psychology Will Transform Your Relationships, Increase Your Influence, and Change Your Life. (Photo: Courtesy of Caroline Fleck, PhD) In trying to connect with or even influence someone, you may be making a valid point. Or multiple valid points. But maybe you should consider making validation a point as well. This is what Caroline Fleck, PhD, essentially recommends in her new book entitled Validation: How the Skill Set That Revolutionized Psychology Will Transform Your Relationships, Increase Your Influence, and Change Your Life. And what follows after the word 'validation' in the title is a spoiler alert as to what she feels providing validation to others can do. 'The impetus for writing the book was a kind of light bulb moment in my experiences over the years as a clinician,' Fleck recalled to me during a recent conversation. She is a cognitive behavioral psychologist and an adjunct clinical instructor at Stanford University. Her private practice specializes in using dialectical behavior therapy and other cognitive behavioral approaches to treat different mood, anxiety, and personality disorders. 'Dialectical behavior therapy was the first evidence-based treatment for borderline personality disorder,' Fleck went on to say. 'It did this really wild thing back in the 90s. It combined this emphasis on acceptance with change.' She clarified why this approach was so 'wild' at the time: 'The thing you need to change in BPD most immediately is typically self-harm and suicidal behavior and so the stakes are really high in these cases and they found that standard behaviorism, you know reinforcement, shaping habits, all of the popular concepts that were out there, none of that was working in this population. They were considered untreatable.' But here's how DBT was wildly different in Fleck's words: 'It wasn't until we incorporated validation and had this corresponding emphasis on communicating acceptance that we were able to facilitate change. And all of a sudden we had an evidence-based treatment for a condition that had been considered untreatable.' The light bulb moment for Fleck was when both her professional and personal experiences showed her what validation can do. 'I think we've really limited it, we've only looked at in these extreme cases,' she emphasized. 'When you start incorporating validation in professional contexts, in parenting or in marital relationships, the change you see is remarkable.' Now, to understand how validation might work, you have to understand what validation is and isn't. Fleck defines validation as communicating mindfulness, understanding, and empathy in ways that convey acceptance. She has used the mantra, 'Validation shows that you're there, you get it, and you care,' to clarify what this means. In other words, by providing validation, you are telling the other person that you respect him or her enough to realize that there's reasoning and a rationale explanation involved. The opposite of validation would be dismissal, judgement or trying to fix the person. Classic non-validating responses would be like 'Here's where you are wrong', 'Here's what you should do instead' or simply 'You are freaking nuts.' You would be essentially quickly saying what the person is thinking, saying or doing is wrong, wrong, wrong like a bathroom gong. And how many people would say, 'Please tell me how stupid I am' or 'Please tell me how I screwed up again?' Note that this definition of validation doesn't imply agreement or even praise of what the other person is thinking. So validation wouldn't require saying something like, 'Good on you that you think the world is flat' or 'Yes, I agree with you. Nicholas Cage is indeed a vampire.' It's more about that you have a genuine interest in understanding how the person got to where he or she is. Fleck has emphasized how transformative validation can be for any kind of relationship—including your relationship with yourself. In fact, she likened it to 'MDMA for your relationships' in the Next Big Idea Club, not that you necessarily should be taking MDMA for any of your relationships. She spoke of how validation can provide more trust, intimacy and psychological safety and how research studies has revealed that the presence versus absence validation can help predict whether a relationship will be successful or not. 'There's many people who simply want to be heard or see," Fleck said. 'But that doesn't seem to be acknowledged enough in our society.' Providing validation can be particularly useful during a conflict. Fleck analogized it to putting up an adorable cat filter during a video meeting. It can be less threatening and disarming—that's assuming that you don't believe that your cat is plotting to kill you as I've written about previously. And when a person feels more comfortable with you, more in the 'oh he or she gets me" state of mind and less in the alarm state, that person may be more likley to listen and open to discussion. So, it's simple, right? Everyone should provide each other with more validation and presto, chango, bingo, no more conflict, no more relationship problems, right? Not exactly. Providing validation can be easier said than done. First of all, a big part of validation is withholding judgement. This isn't always easy to do since it's oh so easy to judge others just like it's easier to sit in the America's Got Talent judging chairs than perform on stage. Being all judgy can make you feel superior and better about yourself. Fleck pointed out another problem, 'We are a problem solving culture. We are not really trained in how to sit with emotion when someone comes to us with a problem. Our inclination is to problem solve. And we are good at it.' So, in other words, one problem is too much problem solving. She spoke of 'how we're not great at just accepting and being with difficult emotions that another person might be experiencing,' and gave an example of 'like when my kid doesn't do well on a spelling quiz,. My inclination is to immediately problem solve what can they do better next time, so that this doesn't happen again.' Fleck described how this affects a second issue or obstacle. 'We don't really teach kids to validate their own emotions to recognize, hey, I'm disappointed, I'm sad, I'm frustrated,' she said. 'Instead, what we model, what we show them to do, is immediately work towards change.' Fleck added that through all her work, 'I have yet to meet anyone who was really great and self validation. who could really recognize their emotions, see the validity in them, sit with them, and then regulate effectively. Instead what I see are folks who are very punitive towards themselves, self critical, and quick to try and problem solve and change change change, whatever is what 'wrong with them.'' An additional issue is that validation doesn't work if it is fake. In order words, the actual validation part has to be, you know, valid. 'Anything that is fake is not validation,' Fleck emphasized. 'I need to really underline that because folks think they can salesman their way into this, you know, like just say whatever they want. But guess what, people see through that.' Case in point, I've written for Psychology Today about how I once told a workplace leader, 'I don't feel like you heard me' and received the rather invalidating response of, 'I hear you, man,' followed by his promptly leaving before I had any opportunity to fully elaborate. Therefore, you've got to want to hear the other person out honestly and earnestly. Otherwise, it's going to come off as the opposite. And being real and authentic in our salesy, fake it until you make it society isn't always easy to do. So, how do you authentically validate what someone is saying and doing when you are like 'Holy moly what the heck is this person saying and doing?' Fleck suggested first finding that kernel of truth in what the other person is saying or doing. Because there's almost always some truth behind anything. People are rarely completely wrong and completely irrational. Fleck has pointed out that someone's behavior and emotions may be valid even though what led to them were not, and vice versa. She's also emphasized how emotions are always valid. If you feel sad about something, for example, someone else can't say, 'No you don't. You don't feel sad.' It's not like you will turn around and respond, 'That's right. I actually feel happy. Thank you for clarifying that for me.' Say someone voted for a political candidate whom you find highly distasteful or didn't vote in a crucial election. It will probably wont' get anywhere by calling that person a complete idiot or completely fooled. However, you could make inroads trying to see what made sense in that person's choice. Maybe that person has a major distrust of politicians in general—which wouldn't be unreasonable. That distrust could have led to the person eschewing voting or voting for the 'non-traditional' candidate. The kernel of truth could then be the distrust or dislike of politicians. Fleck has described a ladder of validation with progressively higher skill levels that people can ... More climb to like rungs on a ladder. (Photo: Getty) Validation is like any skill, though. It may come more naturally to some who may naturally be more empathic and better communicators compared to others may struggle more. But no one should assume that they are just born to do it and can provide validation relatively easily without working to hone the skill. For example, some folks may describe themselves as highly sensitive empaths but that doesn't necessarily mean that they are good at validation. 'What the highly sensitive empaths don't always realize is that although they can sense certain emotions, that doesn't mean that they can communicate that understanding effectively,' said Fleck. 'They haven't actually developed skills to help them get better at it because they haven't seen the need to. They feel like they have this natural talent so they don't have to work it.' The analogy would be the basketball player who can outjump everyone but doesn't feel like he or she has to practice the jump shot, dribbling, rebounding and other stuff. Fleck has described a ladder of validation with progressively higher skill levels that people can climb to like rungs on a ladder. The higher you can get on this ladder, the greater connection with others you can achieve. But don't despair if you can only climb so high. Not everyone can be a Michael Jordan of validation. The key is to be on the ladder in the first place and work to get as high as you can. Before you do anything, you've got to pay attention and listen to what the other person is saying. Like really listen. So the first two rungs on the validation are about mindfulness: attending and copying. Attending is offering all the cues, verbal and non-verbal, that you are offering your full attention. This should maintaining eye contact, nodding when appropriate (as opposed to nodding like a bobblehead or nodding off), asking appropriate questions and showing the proper facial expressions. For example, don't look like The Joker about to blow up Gotham City when the person is expressing hardships being faced. While attending, you want to really figure out what the person is saying and what's behind it all. The second rung is copying, another name for mirroring. When you repeat what the other person says or does like body positioning, they other person can feel like you are both on the same page and you understand. Naturally, this has to be appropriate. When the other person says, 'I feel really stupid,' appropriate mirroring would not be, 'yeah, you are really stupid.' Instead, it would be more, 'Yeah, I feel stupid in such situations too.' Once you're able to listen and mirror, your ready to really understand what the person is saying and doing. The first of these understanding rungs is called equalizing. This where you acknowledge that what the person is feeling and thinking make sense given that person's circumstances. Again, it's not necessarily agreement or praise. But it's making it clear that you don't feel that they are way off base. The second rung in this group and fourth overall is contextualizing. This is where you understand how that person's thoughts and behavior fit in the broader context of things. For example, maybe the person said or did something not so nice because he or she was stressed or afraid. The third rung in this group and fifth overall is where things get particularly tricky. Its dubbed proposing and doesn't mean you propose marriage to the other person, which would be weird. It's where you guess what the other person is thinking or feeling. Now be careful with this one. It can work well and further your connection with each other if you are spot on but do the opposite if you get it wrong. If you elicit a 'yeah, you don't really know me' or 'who the bleep do you think you are' or 'I'm not that simple,' apologize and accept the fact that you've fallen down a few rungs on the ladder, at least with this person. Once you've mastered the levels of understanding, you may be ready for the empathy rungs of the ladder. This starts with the sixth overall rung: emoting. This is where you express your own emotions that are genuine and appropriate reactions to what you've seen and heard. An example is the significant other who got teary eyed when I told her of my brother's death years prior. Another example is when someone gets visibly excited when something good happens in your life. The seventh overall rung and second in the empathy group is taking action. This is where you do something concrete to help the other person. So, if the other person's is feeling lonely, maybe you help that person find a partner. Of course, it's better to get that person's permission first. You don't want to say after the fact, 'Hey I signed you up for Tinder and included all your personal details om your profile. By the way, you've got a date with someone who was carrying a really big fish in a profile pic.' The final tippy top rung is disclosure. This is where you share something that's happened to you that's similar and shows that you can relate. For example, if that person is struggling with a medical condition, maybe you share your own health struggles, which can not only show empathy but maybe even provide valuable insights, as I have described in Forbes previously. Beware of making this all about you or a competition. You never want to be like 'The discrimination I faced was worse than the discrimination you faced,' because you don't bleeping know and this ain't the freaking Olympics of suckiness. Also, never assume that your experience was identical. Things can be quite different for different people even though the circumstances may appear to be the same. No matter where your skills may fall on this validation ladder, it's better to rung with it, so to speak, when interacting with anyone else. 'Validation is acceptance,' Fleck emphasized. 'It's being seen and heard. We all need external validation. Our relationships should be based on validation.' And these are all quite valid points.
Yahoo
07-05-2025
- Health
- Yahoo
A Clinical Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Making This Punishment Mistake
If you have kids in your family, you've likely had (and continue to have) plenty of conversations around super fun topics like time-outs, house rules and apologizing. No matter what your parenting style (there's quite a mix between commando, gentle, FAFO, authoritative, free-range and more), parents and grandparents have a lot to keep in mind when outbursts and tantrums inevitably happen. Even when adults try to be proactive and regulate their own emotions before approaching an upset or dysregulated child, some unintentional blunders are easy to make. There's one punishment mistake, in particular, that is a lot more common than you might think. (You might not even realize you're doing it.) Parade aims to feature only the best products and services. If you buy something via one of our links, we may earn a commission. Stanford professor and Duke-trained psychologist Dr. Caroline Fleck, author of Validation: How the Skill Set That Revolutionized Psychology Will Transform Your Relationships, Increase Your Influence, and Change Your Life, tells Parade what mistake to avoid, how it impacts kids and what to do instead. Related: The #1 Hack To Get Your Child or Grandchild's Attention Without Yelling The Punishment Mistake To Avoid With Your Kids, According to a Clinical Psychologist The #1 thing to avoid? Emotional invalidation. "The research on emotional invalidation is alarming—children exposed to pervasive invalidation, wherein their emotions are consistently and routinely dismissed, trivialized or punished, are significantly more likely to develop symptoms of depression, anxiety, PTSD, narcissism and even psychopathy," Dr. Fleck says. "Invalidation is believed to play a causal role in conditions like borderline personality disorder and is highly correlated with self-harm and suicidal behavior. The takeaway from this research is clear—parents who invalidate their children have children who invalidate themselves." Related: People Who Were Told They Were 'Too Sensitive' as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say "And while these studies speak to the effects of pervasive validation, others show that invalidation that occurs strictly in the context of conflict—which is when we're most prone to invalidating kids' emotions—is also problematic," she continues. "Parental invalidation during conflict is highly correlated with anger, emotion dysregulation, oppositional defiance and externalizing problems in kids. Pretty much all of the issues you fear will result from parent-child conflict are significantly more likely to occur if a kid's emotions are invalidated in the process." Related: The Genius Trick for Easier Mornings With Kids: 'It Changes Everything' Why It's So Easy To Make This Mistake While Navigating Discipline "We are hard-wired to protect our children, so when we see them behaving in ways that could compromise their safety, goals or relationships, we want to intervene," Dr. Fleck tells Parade. "To make matters worse, we also have an innate negativity bias that draws our attention to what's 'wrong,' 'bad' or 'problematic' in our environments regardless of whether we're parents. Problematic behavior is the shiny thing that captures our attention. So, while a kiddo's distress over having to get a cavity filled is understandable, it's not nearly as 'shiny' as the tantrum they throw when you're trying to get out the door or the many arguments you had about the importance of brushing." Related: 6 Things a Child Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Start Doing ASAP How To Emotionally Validate Your Children Instead "I need to be careful here because I don't want parents to get the impression that they can't problem-solve, have rules or enforce limits with their kids," Dr. Fleck explains. However, here are two "mantas" she relies on to be effective in these moments: 1. Validate the valid "You can break down a person's reaction into thoughts, emotions and behavior—this is one of my greatest takeaways from graduate school," Dr. Fleck tells Parade. "Thoughts are valid if they're logical, behaviors are valid if they're effective long-term, and emotions are always valid (see below). When a kid is acting out, it's obvious that their behavior is not valid. They are saying or doing things that are destructive to themselves, their relationships or possibly both. It's important to challenge invalid behavior; you just don't want to suggest that the child's feelings are wrong or bad. I'm a big fan of 'It makes sense that you're frustrated, but it's not ok to throw things.' Helping children identify, label and validate their emotions is critical to learning how to manage them more effectively." Related: Child Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents to Never Turn a Blind Eye to These 12 Behaviors 2. Emotions are always valid "Full disclosure: Emotions aren't always valid," Dr. Fleck says. "There are plenty of times when a person's emotion or intensity don't fit the facts of the situation. But guess what? It doesn't matter. Because you do not want to get into the business of telling people they don't feel what they're telling you they feel. You might help a kiddo label or describe their emotions, but for your sake and theirs, don't invalidate them." That doesn't mean you just accept their emotions and leave them to it—you can still offer help and support in various ways. "Although I don't want you to invalidate your kids' emotions, there's nothing to say you can't draw attention away from them," she adds. "If a child is in meltdown mode, validating their emotions can amplify them. In these cases, it's usually more effective to help distract or draw their attention away from the mirror they're looking at as they increasingly lose control. Once the dust has settled, then you can go back and validate their emotions. Again, you don't have to validate the intensity of the emotion if it was excessive, but helping children recognize the validity of their feelings is the only way to empower them with the ability to self-validate as adults." Up Next: Related: The Surprising Phrase You Should Stop Saying to Your Child or Grandchild—and What To Say Instead Source:
Yahoo
06-05-2025
- General
- Yahoo
How To Validate Someone's Feelings, According to a Clinical Psychologist
In some relationships with family, friends or coworkers, you may disagree with choices that the other person is making, or hold a different opinion than them on a topic you're both passionate about. While you may not want to introduce conflict by arguing or sharing your disapproval, there's also the concern about appearing as if you agree with what they're doing or enabling the behaviors. However, there's another path forward: validation. But if you're wondering about how to validate someone's feelings effectively, you're not alone. After all, validating someone's feelings might feel intimidating—especially if you disagree with how they're handling those feelings. Fortunately, a clinical psychologist is here to save the day and explain why validation is not only powerful, but truly game-changing in the world of communication and improving relationships. Parade aims to feature only the best products and services. If you buy something via one of our links, we may earn a commission. Stanford professor and Duke-trained psychologist Dr. Caroline Fleck, author of Validation: How the Skill Set That Revolutionized Psychology Will Transform Your Relationships, Increase Your Influence, and Change Your Life, tells Parade how to successfully validate someone else's feelings and why seeking validation is not a bad thing. Plus, she reveals five helpful steps for self-validation as well. Related: People Who Never Felt Validated as Kids Often Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say How To Validate Someone's Feelings "I use a framework called the Validation Ladder," Dr. Fleck tells Parade. "The Ladder consists of eight skills that map onto the three key ingredients in validation—mindfulness, understanding and empathy. Each skill set is more powerful than the one before it (e.g., the empathy skills convey more validation than the mindfulness skills), but the skills in each skill set are interchangeable. The cool thing about these skill sets is that they build on each other. So, the mindfulness skills not only convey mindful awareness, but they also help you cultivate understanding and empathy, providing the insight you need to use these more powerful skills." Another fun way to look at it? "It helps to look at validation as a sport," she continues. "You might be able to serve a ball, hit it backhand, and volley, but that doesn't mean you can win a tennis match. The real skill comes in knowing how to combine these techniques and when to use what. Most of the techniques in the Validation Ladder are things you'll have heard of or used before. But just like in tennis, you've got to be able to use these techniques in tandem and move between them to succeed." Related: People Who Were Constantly Criticized as Children Often Experience These 8 Relationship Problems, Psychologists Say So, first things first, the mindfulness skills—AKA "how to demonstrate nonjudgmental engagement," Dr. Fleck explains. 1. Attend "Pay attention and listen without judgment by using nonverbals that signal engagement—eye contact, proximity (leaning in or moving closer), gesturing, nodding—and asking yourself this two-parter: 'What's a better way to make their point?' and 'Why does this matter to them?'" Dr. Fleck shares. "You don't need to communicate your answers; this is more of a mental exercise designed to keep you engaged while projecting curiosity." Why it works: "You stand no chance of making someone feel seen or heard if they don't think you're paying attention," she explains. 2. Copy "Mirror the other person's words, gestures or expressions," Dr. Fleck recommends. "When they smile, smile back. In conversations, pluck out and repeat the adjectives they use (e.g., 'grossed out,' 'discombobulated,' 'alarmed,' etc.). These descriptors are like the paint they chose to highlight a specific detail. Copying them signals that you see what they see as unique or important." Why it works: "Copying activates 'mirror neurons,' allowing us to actually feel some of what the other person is experiencing," she explains. "Studies show that copying reduces prejudice, increases empathy, and builds trust both in the copier and the person being copied." Related: Individuals Who Grew Up as 'People-Pleasers' Usually Develop These 12 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say Next up? The understanding skills. 3. Contextualize "Acknowledge why a person's reaction makes sense, given their history, misinformation or disorder," Dr. Fleck says. "Contextualizing is particularly helpful when someone's reaction isn't 'valid' in terms of the immediate situation." Why it works: "Contextualizing says I see how the world has shaped you, and I don't blame you for it," she shares. "This is different from saying I approve of your problematic behavior, or I think you should keep doing what you're doing. Ironically, acknowledging the chain of cause and effect that led someone to react poorly or inappropriately is critical to decreasing defensiveness, tempering the shame that punishes introspection and increasing their willingness to change." Related: A Clinical Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Making This Punishment Mistake 4. Equalize "Communicate that anyone in the same situation would likely respond similarly," Dr. Fleck suggests. "[For example,] 'I'd feel the same way if my boss scheduled a performance review at 4:55 PM on a Friday.'" Why it works: "Normalizing someone's experience immediately conveys that it is reasonable or 'valid,'" she continues. "This skill is particularly powerful when someone is facing perfectionism or feeling 'crazy' for having normal reactions to abnormal situations or unrealistic expectations, [like ,] 'Of course you hate you're feeling burn out, you've been working 14 hours days since you started; anyone in your shoes would be thinking of quitting.'" 5. Propose (AKA 'Mind-reading') "Offer educated guesses about what the other person might be thinking or feeling: 'I wonder if you're worried about how the team will react,' or 'It sounds like you're feeling torn between what you want and what others expect,'" Dr. Fleck recommends. "Unlike actual mind reading, you can adjust your confidence level from 'tentative suggestion' to 'I'm basically finishing your sentences.'" Why it works: "Successfully articulating what someone is thinking but hasn't articulated can create that soulmate effect—'How did you KNOW that?!'" Dr. Fleck explains. "When your insight fosters a realization on their part, 'I didn't realize it until you said it, but I was feeling taken for granted,' you not only communicate understanding, you foster it." Related: People Who Felt Constantly Overlooked as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say And, finally, there are the empathy skills, or "how to demonstrate emotional understanding," Dr. Fleck says. 6. Take Action According to Dr. Fleck, by taking action, you "directly intervene on another person's behalf." Why it works: "Actions speak louder than words, and sometimes they validate more effectively too," she explains. "This skill can range from the simple (bringing your partner tea when they're sick) to a serious investment of time and resources (donating a kidney). The key is that your action clearly communicates, 'I see you, I get it, and I care enough to do something about it.'" 7. Emote "Express your genuine emotional reaction to what someone has shared by 1) using nonverbals like tearing up when hearing a sad story or jumping up and down in shared excitement; 2) labeling your feelings using emotion adjectives, 'I'm devastated to hear this;' or 3) alluding to emotions with statements like, 'You've got to be kidding me!'' Dr. Fleck recommends. Why it works: "Emoting creates emotional resonance—it's the difference between an intellectual 'I understand' and a heartfelt 'I feel you,'" she explains. "The power of emoting lies in the personal investment it reflects. Rather than being an outside observer of someone's experience, emoting transforms you into an active participant." 8. Disclose "Share personal experiences that relate to what the other person is going through, [like ,] 'When I was diagnosed with MS, I felt that same sense of uncertainty,'" Dr. Fleck suggests. "Focus on similarities and return the focus to them afterward." Why it works: "Disclosure makes the ultimate statement: 'You are not alone in this experience,'" she says. "It builds a bridge between your world and theirs, transforming theoretical empathy into lived connection. Just remember that your disclosure should serve their story, not hijack it—you're a supporting character in this particular episode, not the star." Related: This Is the #1 Mistake People Make During Small Talk, Jefferson Fisher Warns Should You Try to Self-Validate Instead of Seeking Validation from Others? "This will sound controversial, but I don't think there needs to be a shift away from seeking validation from others, nor do I believe that self-validation should necessarily replace external validation," Dr. Fleck begins. "Validation is a way of combining mindfulness, understanding and empathy to communicate acceptance. When done well, the validated person feels seen and heard." That feeling of being known and accepted is a game-changer. "People from highly validating environments tend to be more self-compassionate and secure in their relationships with themselves and others," she explains. Dr. Fleck also stresses that seeking validation is different than fishing for compliments. "Validation is non-judgmental, which makes it distinct from praise," she continues. "You can think of praise as validation's evil doppelganger—whereas praise says, 'I like the way you look or perform,' validation says, 'I accept you independent of how you look and perform.' So while I would certainly caution people from excessively seeking praise, which can lead to people-pleasing and heavily filtered Instagram photos, I wouldn't dissuade them from pursuing relationships in which they feel seen and accepted." How To Self-Validate "External and self-validation are not in conflict; rather, they reinforce and strengthen each other," Dr. Fleck reiterates. "Self-validation is its own skill, but it's much easier to develop in the context of healthy relationships." So, here are the four steps she recommends for self-validation: 1. Attend "Feelings are called feelings because you can feel them," she says. "Notice where in your body you feel the emotion and label it using an emotion adjective (e.g., sad, anxious)." 2. Copy "Write the emotion down or repeat it back to yourself," Dr. Fleck suggests. "Focus intently on feeling but not feeding the emotion by reliving or analyzing the situation that triggered it. Repeating the name of the feeling like a mantra helps you stay focused on the experience, not the narrative." 3. Contextualize or Equalize "If you focus on feeling and not feeding your emotion, its intensity will eventually decrease, she says. "Once it does, you can search for the 'kernel of truth,' or validity, in your response. If it seems like anyone in your shoes would have the same reaction, visualize someone you love and respect responding similarly. If your thoughts, feelings or behavior appear invalid, zoom out further and consider the chain of cause and effect that contributed to them. Remember, every effect has a cause." 4. Emote "Express the same tenderness and support you would provide another person who was struggling through gentle touch (e.g., hand over the heart, hugging yourself, stroking your arm) and comforting phrases (e.g., 'This is hard,' 'I'm sorry you're hurting,' etc.)," Dr. Fleck recommends. 5. Take Action "Channel the negativity into self-soothing activities (going for a walk, getting some tea, etc.) and goal-directed behavior, like creating art, exercising, praying or doing a loving-kindness meditation," Dr. Fleck suggests. "Using negative emotions to fuel positive changes is how we make meaning out of suffering." Up Next: Related: People Who Were Rarely Complimented as Children Often Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say Source: Courtesy Caroline Fleck
