How To Validate Someone's Feelings, According to a Clinical Psychologist

Yahoo

06-05-2025

In some relationships with family, friends or coworkers, you may disagree with choices that the other person is making, or hold a different opinion than them on a topic you're both passionate about. While you may not want to introduce conflict by arguing or sharing your disapproval, there's also the concern about appearing as if you agree with what they're doing or enabling the behaviors. However, there's another path forward: validation. But if you're wondering about how to validate someone's feelings effectively, you're not alone.
After all, validating someone's feelings might feel intimidating—especially if you disagree with how they're handling those feelings. Fortunately, a clinical psychologist is here to save the day and explain why validation is not only powerful, but truly game-changing in the world of communication and improving relationships.
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Stanford professor and Duke-trained psychologist Dr. Caroline Fleck, author of Validation: How the Skill Set That Revolutionized Psychology Will Transform Your Relationships, Increase Your Influence, and Change Your Life, tells Parade how to successfully validate someone else's feelings and why seeking validation is not a bad thing. Plus, she reveals five helpful steps for self-validation as well.
Related: People Who Never Felt Validated as Kids Often Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
How To Validate Someone's Feelings
"I use a framework called the Validation Ladder," Dr. Fleck tells Parade. "The Ladder consists of eight skills that map onto the three key ingredients in validation—mindfulness, understanding and empathy. Each skill set is more powerful than the one before it (e.g., the empathy skills convey more validation than the mindfulness skills), but the skills in each skill set are interchangeable. The cool thing about these skill sets is that they build on each other. So, the mindfulness skills not only convey mindful awareness, but they also help you cultivate understanding and empathy, providing the insight you need to use these more powerful skills."
Another fun way to look at it?
"It helps to look at validation as a sport," she continues. "You might be able to serve a ball, hit it backhand, and volley, but that doesn't mean you can win a tennis match. The real skill comes in knowing how to combine these techniques and when to use what. Most of the techniques in the Validation Ladder are things you'll have heard of or used before. But just like in tennis, you've got to be able to use these techniques in tandem and move between them to succeed."
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So, first things first, the mindfulness skills—AKA "how to demonstrate nonjudgmental engagement," Dr. Fleck explains.
1. Attend
"Pay attention and listen without judgment by using nonverbals that signal engagement—eye contact, proximity (leaning in or moving closer), gesturing, nodding—and asking yourself this two-parter: 'What's a better way to make their point?' and 'Why does this matter to them?'" Dr. Fleck shares. "You don't need to communicate your answers; this is more of a mental exercise designed to keep you engaged while projecting curiosity."
Why it works: "You stand no chance of making someone feel seen or heard if they don't think you're paying attention," she explains.
2. Copy
"Mirror the other person's words, gestures or expressions," Dr. Fleck recommends. "When they smile, smile back. In conversations, pluck out and repeat the adjectives they use (e.g., 'grossed out,' 'discombobulated,' 'alarmed,' etc.). These descriptors are like the paint they chose to highlight a specific detail. Copying them signals that you see what they see as unique or important."
Why it works: "Copying activates 'mirror neurons,' allowing us to actually feel some of what the other person is experiencing," she explains. "Studies show that copying reduces prejudice, increases empathy, and builds trust both in the copier and the person being copied."
Related: Individuals Who Grew Up as 'People-Pleasers' Usually Develop These 12 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
Next up? The understanding skills.
3. Contextualize
"Acknowledge why a person's reaction makes sense, given their history, misinformation or disorder," Dr. Fleck says. "Contextualizing is particularly helpful when someone's reaction isn't 'valid' in terms of the immediate situation."
Why it works: "Contextualizing says I see how the world has shaped you, and I don't blame you for it," she shares. "This is different from saying I approve of your problematic behavior, or I think you should keep doing what you're doing. Ironically, acknowledging the chain of cause and effect that led someone to react poorly or inappropriately is critical to decreasing defensiveness, tempering the shame that punishes introspection and increasing their willingness to change."
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4. Equalize
"Communicate that anyone in the same situation would likely respond similarly," Dr. Fleck suggests. "[For example,] 'I'd feel the same way if my boss scheduled a performance review at 4:55 PM on a Friday.'"
Why it works: "Normalizing someone's experience immediately conveys that it is reasonable or 'valid,'" she continues. "This skill is particularly powerful when someone is facing perfectionism or feeling 'crazy' for having normal reactions to abnormal situations or unrealistic expectations, [like ,] 'Of course you hate you're feeling burn out, you've been working 14 hours days since you started; anyone in your shoes would be thinking of quitting.'"
5. Propose (AKA 'Mind-reading')
"Offer educated guesses about what the other person might be thinking or feeling: 'I wonder if you're worried about how the team will react,' or 'It sounds like you're feeling torn between what you want and what others expect,'" Dr. Fleck recommends. "Unlike actual mind reading, you can adjust your confidence level from 'tentative suggestion' to 'I'm basically finishing your sentences.'"
Why it works: "Successfully articulating what someone is thinking but hasn't articulated can create that soulmate effect—'How did you KNOW that?!'" Dr. Fleck explains. "When your insight fosters a realization on their part, 'I didn't realize it until you said it, but I was feeling taken for granted,' you not only communicate understanding, you foster it."
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And, finally, there are the empathy skills, or "how to demonstrate emotional understanding," Dr. Fleck says.
6. Take Action
According to Dr. Fleck, by taking action, you "directly intervene on another person's behalf."
Why it works: "Actions speak louder than words, and sometimes they validate more effectively too," she explains. "This skill can range from the simple (bringing your partner tea when they're sick) to a serious investment of time and resources (donating a kidney). The key is that your action clearly communicates, 'I see you, I get it, and I care enough to do something about it.'"
7. Emote
"Express your genuine emotional reaction to what someone has shared by 1) using nonverbals like tearing up when hearing a sad story or jumping up and down in shared excitement; 2) labeling your feelings using emotion adjectives, 'I'm devastated to hear this;' or 3) alluding to emotions with statements like, 'You've got to be kidding me!'' Dr. Fleck recommends.
Why it works: "Emoting creates emotional resonance—it's the difference between an intellectual 'I understand' and a heartfelt 'I feel you,'" she explains. "The power of emoting lies in the personal investment it reflects. Rather than being an outside observer of someone's experience, emoting transforms you into an active participant."
8. Disclose
"Share personal experiences that relate to what the other person is going through, [like ,] 'When I was diagnosed with MS, I felt that same sense of uncertainty,'" Dr. Fleck suggests. "Focus on similarities and return the focus to them afterward."
Why it works: "Disclosure makes the ultimate statement: 'You are not alone in this experience,'" she says. "It builds a bridge between your world and theirs, transforming theoretical empathy into lived connection. Just remember that your disclosure should serve their story, not hijack it—you're a supporting character in this particular episode, not the star."
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Should You Try to Self-Validate Instead of Seeking Validation from Others?
"This will sound controversial, but I don't think there needs to be a shift away from seeking validation from others, nor do I believe that self-validation should necessarily replace external validation," Dr. Fleck begins. "Validation is a way of combining mindfulness, understanding and empathy to communicate acceptance. When done well, the validated person feels seen and heard."
That feeling of being known and accepted is a game-changer.
"People from highly validating environments tend to be more self-compassionate and secure in their relationships with themselves and others," she explains.
Dr. Fleck also stresses that seeking validation is different than fishing for compliments.
"Validation is non-judgmental, which makes it distinct from praise," she continues. "You can think of praise as validation's evil doppelganger—whereas praise says, 'I like the way you look or perform,' validation says, 'I accept you independent of how you look and perform.' So while I would certainly caution people from excessively seeking praise, which can lead to people-pleasing and heavily filtered Instagram photos, I wouldn't dissuade them from pursuing relationships in which they feel seen and accepted."
How To Self-Validate
"External and self-validation are not in conflict; rather, they reinforce and strengthen each other," Dr. Fleck reiterates. "Self-validation is its own skill, but it's much easier to develop in the context of healthy relationships."
So, here are the four steps she recommends for self-validation:
1. Attend
"Feelings are called feelings because you can feel them," she says. "Notice where in your body you feel the emotion and label it using an emotion adjective (e.g., sad, anxious)."
2. Copy
"Write the emotion down or repeat it back to yourself," Dr. Fleck suggests. "Focus intently on feeling but not feeding the emotion by reliving or analyzing the situation that triggered it. Repeating the name of the feeling like a mantra helps you stay focused on the experience, not the narrative."
3. Contextualize or Equalize
"If you focus on feeling and not feeding your emotion, its intensity will eventually decrease, she says. "Once it does, you can search for the 'kernel of truth,' or validity, in your response. If it seems like anyone in your shoes would have the same reaction, visualize someone you love and respect responding similarly. If your thoughts, feelings or behavior appear invalid, zoom out further and consider the chain of cause and effect that contributed to them. Remember, every effect has a cause."
4. Emote
"Express the same tenderness and support you would provide another person who was struggling through gentle touch (e.g., hand over the heart, hugging yourself, stroking your arm) and comforting phrases (e.g., 'This is hard,' 'I'm sorry you're hurting,' etc.)," Dr. Fleck recommends.
5. Take Action
"Channel the negativity into self-soothing activities (going for a walk, getting some tea, etc.) and goal-directed behavior, like creating art, exercising, praying or doing a loving-kindness meditation," Dr. Fleck suggests. "Using negative emotions to fuel positive changes is how we make meaning out of suffering."
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Source:
Courtesy Caroline Fleck