4 Common Habits of High-Level Gaslighters, According to Psychologists
'Gaslighting' has been a buzzword for a while. You may have read articles about what gaslighting is, watched TikToks where creators shared their stories with it or even used the word when talking to friends about an ex.Quick refresher: Gaslighting is manipulating another person to make them doubt their perceptions and even their sanity.If that wasn't scary enough, there are also 'high-level gaslighters.' But what are they, how can you spot one and how can you deal with them? Parade reached out to psychologists to learn about the common habits and behaviors to look out for. Related: 8 Phrases High-Level Gaslighters Often Use, According to Psychologists
First, let's talk about what sets a high-level gaslighter apart.For one, they are 'more calculated, polished and subtle in their tactics,' according to Dr. Harry Cohen, PhD, a psychologist and the author of Be the Sun, Not the Salt. They're generally likeable people, he continues, and they use plausible deniability and 'reasonable' language to make their lies seem more convincing.Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, a trauma-informed therapist, researcher, podcaster and author of Gaslighting Recovery for Women, shares similar input. She adds they're 'often socially rewarded for the very traits that make their behavior so dangerous,' and that they're hard to spot 'because on the surface, they often seem emotionally intelligent, generous, even vulnerable.'
That can drive you deeper into the relationship and its unhealthiness. 'When we can't clearly name what's happening, we're more likely to internalize the harm,' Dr. Kelley explains. 'That confusion is part of what makes this so damaging and so difficult to walk away from.'You may be curious why people are this way—not to excuse their behavior, just to understand what's going on. According to these psychologists, several reasons could be at play: wanting to control the narrative or people's perceptions, to preserve their image and power, to avoid facing emotional discomfort and to protect their ego.
Related: The 10 Earliest Signs of Emotional Manipulation To Look Out For, According to PsychologistsWhat that might look like in practice, Dr. Cohen says, is claiming they 'never said that,' shifting blame to make you question your reality, or eroding your confidence and self-trust so they're more dominant and in control.And the cause of that, he continues, could be a variety of factors, from narcissistic personality disorder to antisocial tendencies to even deep insecurity.
As mentioned, one of the 'charms' of high-level gaslighters is that they seem emotionally intelligent. You may feel as though they're in touch with your feelings and supportive.However, know that they use that information strategically and for their benefit. 'They'll validate you just enough to build trust, then later use your words or vulnerabilities to deflect blame or gain control,' Dr. Kelley says. Dr. Cohen makes a similar point about how high-level gaslighters often exploit the fact that you're a caring person. 'They use your values, like compassion or loyalty, against you,' he says. They may say something like, 'You're supposed to be understanding, not accusing me,' when you try to set boundaries or discuss a concern.What makes phrases like that work, he continues, is that it leads you to doubt yourself. The gaslighter presents you as the 'bad guy' for something as normal as having an emotion or a question. Sensitive people and empaths are particularly vulnerable to high-level gaslighters, Dr. Kelley adds, because they're more likely to doubt themselves and lean toward compassion.Related:
Have you ever brought up a time they said something hurtful, and they swear it didn't happen? That can be another sign.'They conveniently 'forget' critical events or conversations, especially the ones that prove your version of reality,' Dr. Cohen says. 'Over time, you question your memory, become hesitant to trust your gut and depend more on them for 'truth.''Sometimes, people genuinely remember things differently. The difference is, they aren't trying to manipulate you or make you question your sanity by saying so.
It's easier to point out an outright lie (even though a high-level gaslighter may deny that too). But another piece that makes their gaslighting high-level (and therefore harder to notice) is the fact that they frequently don't go for a complete lie. Instead, they twist the story just enough to confuse. Dr. Kelley calls it 'strategic misdirection.''They may say things that are vague, contradictory or half-true, so if you confront them, it's easy for them to flip it back on you,' she says. 'It keeps you in a mental fog, constantly trying to decode what's real.'Phrases they may use, she continues, are 'That's not what I said' and 'You misunderstood me.' And again, what makes that so confusing is that misunderstandings do happen and aren't always manipulative. With a gaslighter, though, trust that they are.Related:
When you're doubting yourself, your perceptions and your reality, you may turn to a loved one or other person who was there. Did what you think happened really happen? Be aware that their perception may not be accurate either. High-level gaslighters 'cultivate strong, positive impressions with others (bosses, friends, therapists) so that if you confront them, they can subtly frame you as unstable or overreactive to others,' Dr. Cohen says. In other words, your coworkers or friends might not see the gaslighter's bad side, so they feed you the same (wrong) information.
This is a form of triangulation, or bringing a third person into the conflict or to complicate things.'It isolates the target and discredits them while the gaslighter maintains credibility,' Dr. Cohen adds. As a result, you may feel—or worry you're seen as—even more 'crazy.' This gives the gaslighter more power.Dr. Kelley shares a major sign. 'They might make small comments to others about you, hint at your instability or share selective versions of events, all while playing the role of the 'reasonable' one,' she says. 'Over time, you may feel more and more alone, unsure of who you can trust. That isolation is exactly what makes their version of reality too hard to challenge.'Related:
Take notes on what's happening, even if and when you don't trust your judgment.'Keeping a written or digital log of conversations, events or patterns creates an objective record you can refer back to,' Dr. Cohen explains. 'Be specific with dates and times and verbatim quotes. This counters their manipulation of facts and helps you reclaim your sense of reality.'Besides writing what was said, note how it makes you feel and what your body is telling you. 'The patterns start to reveal themselves when you see it in writing,' Dr. Kelley says.Also, even if it doesn't feel true now, it may feel true later.Remember, the keyword is 'privately.' Where can you put these notes so the other person won't see them?Related:
After your reality has been denied, it's understandable and common to distrust your intuition.'Gaslighting disconnects you from your internal compass,' Dr. Kelley affirms. Try to get that back. Journaling and paying attention to how your body feels, as mentioned above, are helpful ways to do this.
Whether you're setting a boundary around how they talk to you, physical space or something different, know you're allowed to, no questions asked.In fact, not explaining may turn out in your favor. 'High-level gaslighters often twist your reasoning,' Dr. Cohen says. 'By setting firm, concise boundaries without overexplaining, you reduce their opportunities to manipulate your words.' If they ask for an explanation or justification, he suggests saying something like 'I'm not available for that conversation right now' or 'I've made my decision.' This can help you avoid getting pulled into a debate (that's impossible to win).Related:
When someone is lying or has lied for a while, it can feel empowering to call them out. But remember, that won't be as healing as it may seem, nor is it necessary. 'If the relationship leaves you feeling confused, anxious or constantly self-doubting, that's enough,' Dr. Kelley says. 'Emotional safety is reason enough to set boundaries or walk away.'Related:
When you feel 'crazy,' having someone to back you up and provide validation and perspective can mean so much. 'Whether it's a friend, therapist or support group, being heard and believed can be a turning point,' Dr. Kelley says. 'A validating conversation can re-anchor you in what's true.'Dr. Cohen speaks to the specific ways a therapist can help. 'A professional, in particular, can help you name what's happening and develop grounded strategies to protect yourself emotionally and psychologically,' he says. 'Create your own group of trusted advisors to check your reality and offer helpful support and practical guidance.'
Up Next:Dr. Harry Cohen, PhD, psychologist and author
Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, trauma-informed therapist, researcher, podcaster and author
4 Common Habits of High-Level Gaslighters, According to Psychologists first appeared on Parade on Jun 8, 2025
This story was originally reported by Parade on Jun 8, 2025, where it first appeared.
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People Who Were 'Coddled' as Children Often Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
People Who Were 'Coddled' as Children Often Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say originally appeared on Parade. When people hold a newborn baby, they typically make a cradle with their arms. There's nothing wrong with this position—in fact, it's protective. However, sometimes caregivers can continue to "cradle" a child in a figurative sense long after it's age-appropriate, and psychologists warn this tactic can become coddling. "Coddling is essentially overprotecting a child from failure or discomfort to shield them from any emotional pain," explains , a psychologist with Thriveworks. "It is typically done out of love, but it can hinder their growth."Indeed, we learn from challenges and mistakes, which coddling can prevent. "When children are always coddled, it doesn't give them any room to learn problem-solving skills," Dr. Saidi continues. "They do not get to build any frustration tolerance or resilience. Even though the intentions are good, the result is often underdeveloped coping skills."As a result, people who were coddled as kids often develop certain traits. Psychologists share 11 common characteristics of adults who were coddled as children, along with tips for 11 Traits of People Who Were Coddled as Children, According to Psychologists 1. Low frustration tolerance As kids, some caretakers "snowplow" or remove hurdles so they can accomplish a task. One psychologist observes these effects decades later, revealing that her patients who were coddled as children now struggle to stand in line, sit in traffic or cope with unexpected weather conditions."People who were coddled as kids have difficulty persisting when tasks become difficult or uncomfortable in adulthood," explains ., a psychologist with Todey Psychology. "This is partly because they were not given enough opportunities as children to practice pushing through challenges on their own. Their threshold for discomfort is low, and they may give up quickly or feel overwhelmed by relatively minor obstacles." 2. Over-reliance on external validation Self-confidence comes from a strong sense of self. However, coddling can (often unintentionally) rob a person of that."Because they were praised often or rescued quickly, they may look outward to feel worthy," Dr. Saidi warns. "Without praise or applause, they may struggle to know if they are doing 'good enough.'"Related: 3. Dependency on others for emotional regulation People who were overprotected as children may require more than praise from others to feel whole. Dr. Todey warns that these individuals often didn't get much practice identifying, tolerating and managing big feelings."People who were coddled as kids may rely on others to soothe or rescue them, even in adulthood," she shares. "This can show up in romantic relationships, the workplace, or friendships and can lead to codependency or over-reliance on external validation to regulate emotions or maintain self-esteem."For instance, she has adult patients who have difficulties being single and may jump into or stay in unhealthy relationships to avoid being 4. Difficulty making decisions The big people in a coddled child's life often made decisions for them or didn't require them to live with consequences for poor choices."They may still expect others to make decisions for fear of making the 'wrong' one," Dr. Saidi warns. "They may also seek constant reassurance." 5. Lack of healthy boundaries A poor sense of self contributes to this one too, a psychologist warns."Coddling involves boundary violations that disempower the coddled," says Dr. Catherine Hormats, LP, MA, GPCC, a psychologist, psychoanalyst and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. "They are used to being misattuned to and may wind up in relationships where they are controlled or dominated, just like with their coddler."Related: 6. Entitlement Dr. Todey warns that rushing to meet a child's every need and prevent distress at all costs can lead to a sense of entitlement in adulthood."They may expect that others will accommodate their preferences or shield them from discomfort as adults," she says. "This sets them up for painful disappointment in the real world. At work, adults who were coddled as children may enter the workforce expecting a high starting salary, easy career progression or preferential treatment."Dr. Todey shares that it can extend to personal relationships too, such as expecting roommates and partners to do most of the household 7. Conflict avoidance Conflict isn't necessarily fun, but it's hard to coast through life without experiencing it. People who were coddled as kids may try, though—and it's a product of their upbringing."Coddling often means smoothing over any emotional tension quickly to avoid negative emotions," Dr. Saidi explains. "This may lead to never learning how to navigate disagreements. Adults who were coddled as children may be more likely to ghost, shut down or withdraw to avoid confrontation." 8. Difficulty with accountability Mistakes are learning opportunities. Yet, if people were overindulged as kids, they may not have learned how to sit with the discomfort of making mistakes—or even understand that they aren't perfect. "If parents constantly defend or excuse their behavior, these children may grow into adults who externalize blame or have difficulty accepting constructive feedback," Dr. Todey warns. "Adults who were coddled as children may have never been given the opportunity to build the emotional muscle to face hard truths. They may be prone to blame shifting and even gaslighting others who give them feedback." 9. Poor coping skills Life has its challenging moments, and effective coping skills help us navigate them—if you're given the chance to build them through experience."Adults who were coddled as children often have not experienced safe struggle or stress, so they may feel very challenged by ordinary life stressors," Dr. Saidi explains. "They may also tend to catastrophize small problems and shut down."Related: 10. Difficulty caring for themselves and others There's such a thing as caring too much—and it's the blueprint for a coddled child's upbringing. Unfortunately, and perhaps ironically, Dr. Hormats warns that these children can develop into adults who are unable to care for themselves."This includes emotional, physical, financial and psychological [care]," she explains. "I have a friend who bought new clothes every time his old ones got dirty because he never learned how to do laundry." 11. Emotional immaturity Dr. Hormats reveals that infantilizing children after they're infants can stunt their emotional growth. "Coddling may be a way of infantilizing someone, or treating them like a child, denying them a sense of maturity or autonomy," she says. "I have a friend who sometimes sounds like a 5-year-old girl when talking on the phone to her parents. I have the feeling that when they coddle her, as they often do, she regresses into a very childlike state."Related: How To Heal if You Were Coddled as a Child 1. Build frustration tolerance slowly Coddled kids often grow into adults with little to no frustration tolerance. However, it won't be built in a day—after all, you don't expect yourself to go from lifting no weights to 35-pound ones with one set of 10 bicep Saidi recommends developing the ability to cope with stress and setbacks progressively."Start with intentionally doing small tasks such as making a tough phone call or sitting with uncertainty," she suggests. "Journaling discomfort can help track growth."She also suggests reminding yourself that discomfort isn't dangerous but rather a normal part of growth. Dr. Todey also encourages patients to stay the course as their brain wires itself to manage frustration. "Each time you survive a challenge, your brain learns: 'I can do hard things,'" she emphasizes. 2. Practice emotional independence This one will reduce the chronic need for external validation."Learn to self-soothe rather than always seeking reassurance from others," Dr. Saidi advises. "Ask yourself, 'What do I need right now that I am hoping someone else will give me?'" 3. Learn to say no Boundaries are key, and you deserve to set and maintain them. Dr. Hormats suggests a mindset shift around the word "No.""NO means 'new opportunity,'" she says. "If you are feeling smothered with caretaking, learn to say 'NO' and walk away." Up Next: Sources: Dr. Crystal Saidi, Psy.D., a psychologist with Thriveworks Dr. Amy Kincaid Todey, Ph.D., a psychologist with Todey Psychology Dr. Catherine Hormats, LP, MA, GPCC, a psychologist, psychoanalyst and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor People Who Were 'Coddled' as Children Often Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say first appeared on Parade on Aug 17, 2025 This story was originally reported by Parade on Aug 17, 2025, where it first appeared.
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People Who Were 'Coddled' as Children Often Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say originally appeared on Parade. When people hold a newborn baby, they typically make a cradle with their arms. There's nothing wrong with this position—in fact, it's protective. However, sometimes caregivers can continue to "cradle" a child in a figurative sense long after it's age-appropriate, and psychologists warn this tactic can become coddling. "Coddling is essentially overprotecting a child from failure or discomfort to shield them from any emotional pain," explains , a psychologist with Thriveworks. "It is typically done out of love, but it can hinder their growth."Indeed, we learn from challenges and mistakes, which coddling can prevent. "When children are always coddled, it doesn't give them any room to learn problem-solving skills," Dr. Saidi continues. "They do not get to build any frustration tolerance or resilience. Even though the intentions are good, the result is often underdeveloped coping skills."As a result, people who were coddled as kids often develop certain traits. Psychologists share 11 common characteristics of adults who were coddled as children, along with tips for 11 Traits of People Who Were Coddled as Children, According to Psychologists 1. Low frustration tolerance As kids, some caretakers "snowplow" or remove hurdles so they can accomplish a task. One psychologist observes these effects decades later, revealing that her patients who were coddled as children now struggle to stand in line, sit in traffic or cope with unexpected weather conditions."People who were coddled as kids have difficulty persisting when tasks become difficult or uncomfortable in adulthood," explains ., a psychologist with Todey Psychology. "This is partly because they were not given enough opportunities as children to practice pushing through challenges on their own. Their threshold for discomfort is low, and they may give up quickly or feel overwhelmed by relatively minor obstacles." 2. Over-reliance on external validation Self-confidence comes from a strong sense of self. However, coddling can (often unintentionally) rob a person of that."Because they were praised often or rescued quickly, they may look outward to feel worthy," Dr. Saidi warns. "Without praise or applause, they may struggle to know if they are doing 'good enough.'"Related: 3. Dependency on others for emotional regulation People who were overprotected as children may require more than praise from others to feel whole. Dr. Todey warns that these individuals often didn't get much practice identifying, tolerating and managing big feelings."People who were coddled as kids may rely on others to soothe or rescue them, even in adulthood," she shares. "This can show up in romantic relationships, the workplace, or friendships and can lead to codependency or over-reliance on external validation to regulate emotions or maintain self-esteem."For instance, she has adult patients who have difficulties being single and may jump into or stay in unhealthy relationships to avoid being 4. Difficulty making decisions The big people in a coddled child's life often made decisions for them or didn't require them to live with consequences for poor choices."They may still expect others to make decisions for fear of making the 'wrong' one," Dr. Saidi warns. "They may also seek constant reassurance." 5. Lack of healthy boundaries A poor sense of self contributes to this one too, a psychologist warns."Coddling involves boundary violations that disempower the coddled," says Dr. Catherine Hormats, LP, MA, GPCC, a psychologist, psychoanalyst and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. "They are used to being misattuned to and may wind up in relationships where they are controlled or dominated, just like with their coddler."Related: 6. Entitlement Dr. Todey warns that rushing to meet a child's every need and prevent distress at all costs can lead to a sense of entitlement in adulthood."They may expect that others will accommodate their preferences or shield them from discomfort as adults," she says. "This sets them up for painful disappointment in the real world. At work, adults who were coddled as children may enter the workforce expecting a high starting salary, easy career progression or preferential treatment."Dr. Todey shares that it can extend to personal relationships too, such as expecting roommates and partners to do most of the household 7. Conflict avoidance Conflict isn't necessarily fun, but it's hard to coast through life without experiencing it. People who were coddled as kids may try, though—and it's a product of their upbringing."Coddling often means smoothing over any emotional tension quickly to avoid negative emotions," Dr. Saidi explains. "This may lead to never learning how to navigate disagreements. Adults who were coddled as children may be more likely to ghost, shut down or withdraw to avoid confrontation." 8. Difficulty with accountability Mistakes are learning opportunities. Yet, if people were overindulged as kids, they may not have learned how to sit with the discomfort of making mistakes—or even understand that they aren't perfect. "If parents constantly defend or excuse their behavior, these children may grow into adults who externalize blame or have difficulty accepting constructive feedback," Dr. Todey warns. "Adults who were coddled as children may have never been given the opportunity to build the emotional muscle to face hard truths. They may be prone to blame shifting and even gaslighting others who give them feedback." 9. Poor coping skills Life has its challenging moments, and effective coping skills help us navigate them—if you're given the chance to build them through experience."Adults who were coddled as children often have not experienced safe struggle or stress, so they may feel very challenged by ordinary life stressors," Dr. Saidi explains. "They may also tend to catastrophize small problems and shut down."Related: 10. Difficulty caring for themselves and others There's such a thing as caring too much—and it's the blueprint for a coddled child's upbringing. Unfortunately, and perhaps ironically, Dr. Hormats warns that these children can develop into adults who are unable to care for themselves."This includes emotional, physical, financial and psychological [care]," she explains. "I have a friend who bought new clothes every time his old ones got dirty because he never learned how to do laundry." 11. Emotional immaturity Dr. Hormats reveals that infantilizing children after they're infants can stunt their emotional growth. "Coddling may be a way of infantilizing someone, or treating them like a child, denying them a sense of maturity or autonomy," she says. "I have a friend who sometimes sounds like a 5-year-old girl when talking on the phone to her parents. I have the feeling that when they coddle her, as they often do, she regresses into a very childlike state."Related: How To Heal if You Were Coddled as a Child 1. Build frustration tolerance slowly Coddled kids often grow into adults with little to no frustration tolerance. However, it won't be built in a day—after all, you don't expect yourself to go from lifting no weights to 35-pound ones with one set of 10 bicep Saidi recommends developing the ability to cope with stress and setbacks progressively."Start with intentionally doing small tasks such as making a tough phone call or sitting with uncertainty," she suggests. "Journaling discomfort can help track growth."She also suggests reminding yourself that discomfort isn't dangerous but rather a normal part of growth. Dr. Todey also encourages patients to stay the course as their brain wires itself to manage frustration. "Each time you survive a challenge, your brain learns: 'I can do hard things,'" she emphasizes. 2. Practice emotional independence This one will reduce the chronic need for external validation."Learn to self-soothe rather than always seeking reassurance from others," Dr. Saidi advises. "Ask yourself, 'What do I need right now that I am hoping someone else will give me?'" 3. Learn to say no Boundaries are key, and you deserve to set and maintain them. Dr. Hormats suggests a mindset shift around the word "No.""NO means 'new opportunity,'" she says. "If you are feeling smothered with caretaking, learn to say 'NO' and walk away." Up Next: Sources: Dr. Crystal Saidi, Psy.D., a psychologist with Thriveworks Dr. Amy Kincaid Todey, Ph.D., a psychologist with Todey Psychology Dr. Catherine Hormats, LP, MA, GPCC, a psychologist, psychoanalyst and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor People Who Were 'Coddled' as Children Often Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say first appeared on Parade on Aug 17, 2025 This story was originally reported by Parade on Aug 17, 2025, where it first appeared.
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The Genius Kitchen Sponge Hack We Wish We'd Known About Sooner
The Genius Kitchen Sponge Hack We Wish We'd Known About Sooner originally appeared on Parade. As a mom of four young kids, I'm always out of ice packs. They go off in lunch boxes and just don't come back, or my house somehow swallows them after they were used to treat a minor injury. As the ice packs mysteriously disappear (maybe they're with all of the lost socks?), I'm left regularly buying new ones and feeling seriously grumpy about it. And that's why I was very excited when I stumbled across a DIY ice pack hack on social media. (It's the little things, folks!) All you need is a kitchen sponge, some water and a zip-top bag. I was instantly sold—and my monthly Amazon bill is about to go down as a result. Here's what you need to know to try this trick at your house. Related: 😋😋 SIGN UP to get delicious recipes, handy kitchen hacks & more in our daily Parade Eats newsletter. 🍳🍔 What Is the Kitchen Sponge Ice Pack Trick? TikTok is packed with these sponge ice packs. Some people (like @ cut them into small pieces, get them wet and freeze them, like the ones here. Others simply take a regular full-size kitchen sponge, get it wet, freeze it and use it the next day. Like this version shared by the @moms account. What Makes the Kitchen Sponge Hack So Great? There are so many reasons to love the kitchen sponge hack. For starters, it's cheap. Ice packs can run you about $9 for a set, while a set of kitchen sponges costs a fraction of that. Ice packs also tend to have unspecified ingredients that inevitably leak out at some point, whether from rough use or time. That makes me nervous when they're used next to food, skin and faces. But a baggie-covered sponge is a pretty harmless product. A big complaint with my kids is that ice packs are too cold or too hard, but a sponge is soft—even when it's frozen and thanks to its air pockets, it's not as cold as a standard ice pack. As it thaws, the sponge-pack also conforms to the shape of what it's touching, making it more comfortable for my kiddos. Finally, because my house (and kids) are a black hole for ice packs, I'm less annoyed when one of these gets lost because it ultimately ends up costing me less. Related: How to Turn Your Kitchen Sponges Into Ice Packs The kitchen sponge hack is pretty easy to pull off. Just take a sponge, wet it well and toss it in the freezer. When you need an ice pack for a lunchbox or an injury, pull it out, put it in a zip-top bag and use it. They're also super easy to reuse: Just wet them and put them back in the freezer. If you prefer to use smaller pieces, cut up your sponge with scissors, wet the pieces, and freeze them in a baggie. You can either redistribute those pieces in another baggie when you're ready to use them, or pull out the whole thing. Up Next: The Genius Kitchen Sponge Hack We Wish We'd Known About Sooner first appeared on Parade on Aug 17, 2025 This story was originally reported by Parade on Aug 17, 2025, where it first appeared. Solve the daily Crossword
